Disclaimer: All hail king Joss et al. This rambling is strictly of the non-profit variety (and like this would even happen in Joss's evil world)

Summary: Close to five years after the Slayer's death, a chance meeting in a park brings past ghosts back to life.
Spoilers: BtVS - up to Season 4 "Pangs"/AtS - up to Season 1 "IWRY"
Rating: Um.PG at most.
Author's notes: I know the basic plot has been worked to death but I just couldn't get this story out of my head.so here it is for your daily dose of B/A escapism.
Distribution: All you have to do is ask...
AN2: < > indicates thoughts
Feedback: Yes.please! It makes me do the dance of joy!

"Waiting for you
All my sins...
I said that I would pay for them if I could come back to you
All my innocence is wasted on the dead and dreaming

Every night these silhouettes appear above my head
Little angels of the silences that climb into my bed and whisper
Every time I fall asleep Every time I dream
Did you come? Would you lie?
Why'd you leave us 'till we're only good for...

Waiting for you
All my sins...
I said that I would pay for them if I could come back to you
All my innocence is wasted on the dead and dreaming"

- "Angels of the Silences" Counting Crows

June 2004

Anne Donnelly poked her head into the living room and smiled when her eyes landed on the little dark-haired girl curled up in a ball on the floor sound asleep on her favorite blanket. Satisfied that all was well she headed back to the kitchen to continue preparing for their outing that afternoon: a
picnic in the park as promised.

She grinned to herself as she remembered her little girl's excitement when she had agreed to the three year old's insistent proposition.

"Shit!" She dropped the knife she had been slicing watermelon with and ran to the sink to run some water over the cut in her left index finger that was quickly oozing blood. < Nice going Buffy.> She snugly wrapped a paper towel around the cut and dug underneath the sink for the first aid kit that
was housed there.

As she sat down at the kitchen table to patch her wound she laughed at herself. < Funny how I still refer to myself as Buffy, even though I haven't been called that by anyone in years.> She grinned as she tightened the Scooby-Doo band-aid around her finger. < Guess in my heart I still know who I am.> She was drawn from her reverie by a cry from the other room.

"Mama where are you?"

"Coming Kitty Kat!" She answered her child as she stood and quickly made her way into the living room.

An hour later found them feeding breadcrumbs to the ducks down by the river and giggling through a quickly won game of hide and seek.

Buffy collapsed tiredly down on their blanket completely ready for a nap but the little one was still full of energy and tugged relentlessly at her mother's arm in an unsuccessful attempt to get her to play on the swings.

"Please Mommy!"

"No sweetie, not now maybe in a little while. Mommy is tired."

"Aww!" She let go of her mother's arm and crossed her own in front of her indignantly while putting on her best 'pouty face' complete with protruding bottom lip which only served to elicit tired giggles from her mother who was still laying on the blanket.

"Aw, now why you wanna go and get all 'sad face' on me. You know what? Maybe I wouldn't be so tired if I could get a big bear hug from my little Kitty Kat, do you think that would help?" Buffy pretended to seriously consider her proposition while she watched her daughter try and maintain her quickly crumbling resolve. She knew it was only a matter of time before she relented and came bounding at her a mass of dark curls and laughter.

"So here's where my two best girls have been hiding out. I thought you were lost for good."

"Uncle Jackson!" The three year old forgot her charade and leapt happily into the waiting arms that grabbed her tightly.

Buffy smiled and stood to greet the man who now swung her deliriously giggling daughter in high circles around his body.

"Hey Jacks, so you managed to pry yourself from the library during the daylight for once. You sure your GPA isn't going to plummet from all this slacking off?" She grinned and playfully punched him in the arm.

"Always the funny one Annabelle. It is summer break and even med students get some time off now and then. Isn't that right Buttercup?" He asked and grinned at the little girl in his arms as she nodded her head insistently in answer, completely oblivious to the actual topic of conversation.

"Ah, see that would be the NORMAL medical students. You know the ones who don't take on research projects and extra internships in their free time. And don't call me Annabelle - you know I hate it!"

"Ow!" He rubbed the sore spot on his left arm where she punched him again, although a little more forcefully this time. "Okay, okay you win ANNE! So, what was the little terror trying to convince you to do this time? Swimming with the ducks or."

"Swings!" The little voice interrupted the conversation.

"Katharine Donnelly now you know better than that! Uncle Jacks was talking. Say you're sorry and let him finish his sentence." Buffy waited for her daughter to comply.

"Sorry." It came out in a hurried whisper but it was enough. Every small victory was a cherished one when your child was as stubborn as this one.

The adults laughed in spite of themselves and Jackson continued.

"So the swings was it?? Well, I just happen to know that there are two little kids already on the swing set who would be delighted to see Miss Katharine join them."

"Who?" Katharine was definitely interested in this part of the conversation.

"Oh I don't know, I thought I saw Colby and Ashley over there just a minute ago."

"Oh let's go, let's go! Mommy can I go swing with Colby and Ashley pleeeeease!" Katharine earnestly tugged at her mother's shorts.

"I don't know Kitty Kat, Mommy's still really tired, I." Buffy stopped as her little girl leapt up to give her a hug. She leaned down and kissed her on the forehead. "I think that we could go swing for a while. But just a little while. It'll be time to eat soon."

"Yay!" Katharine jumped up and down with delight.

"You know Shelby and Chris are over there with the twins already, and I know they wouldn't mind if Katie joined them. I could walk her over there and let you stay here and rest." Jackson offered .

"Oh you are a Godsend. Thank you! She has been wearing me out all day." Buffy laughed and sank back down on the blanket to wave as her daughter pulled Jackson relentlessly in the direction of the playgrounds.

Alone with her thoughts she found that napping was out of the question. She sat up and dug furiously through one of their bags in search of the novel she had thrown in as an afterthought. She found the elusive book and pulled it out in triumph when a voice floated across the afternoon air and stopped her cold.

"Buffy? Buffy is that you?"

Buffy turned her head and met the shocked and disbelieving gaze of her dearest friend.

"Willow!" Buffy answered in spite of herself and was up off the ground and nearly suffocating her friend in rib crushing hug before she could give it a second thought.

"Buffy! I can't believe it! I.I mean we.uh, we thought you were dead but now you're here and alive and oh my God Buffy I've missed you!" Willow stammered nervously and hugged her long lost best friend again not daring to believe this could actually be happening. She was sure she was dreaming. This couldn't be real. But then it had to be real because she knew she would never have dreamed Buffy like this, so much thinner and with long dark brown hair. So dark it was almost black. It stood out against her skin and made her hazel eyes sparkle bright green. She was lovely and Willow couldn't believe she was actually standing there. Alive and well.

Willow released her grasp on her friend and waited for her to speak, to explain, anything to kill the anticipation that was eating the redhead alive on the inside.

"I can't believe it's you Will! What are you doing here? Sit down! You have to stay and have lunch with us!" Before Willow could open her mouth Buffy had yanked her down onto the blanket beside her and was busily removing food from a cooler and arranging it in a spread in front of them. Willow was still in complete shock over this unexpected turn of events and her mind was reeling with questions so she simply sat there and watched in utter disbelief as Buffy, a living breathing Buffy, completed her task.

For her part Buffy was trying desperately to stall. She was more than overjoyed at this unexpected meeting with her best friend but none too anxious to rehash the last five years and risk the anger that she knew would inevitably surface as she answered all the questions she could feel swirling in the air between them. She quickly ran out of tasks to keep her hands busy and could see Willow watching her expectantly. Buffy sucked in a deep breath and turned to face her friend.

"So." She hesitated. Where to begin? A lifetime had passed between them both since they last saw each other and Buffy knew it wasn't going to be easy to mend the bridges she burned when she left.

When she ran.

"So." Willow said shyly, equally as nervous as Buffy. The two women sat and regarded each other sheepishly both fully aware of the irony of the moment. Best friends without a word to say to each other. The tense silence between them was abruptly shattered in the wake of an exuberant three-year-old girl who bounded onto the blanket and into Buffy's lap too wrapped up in her excitement to even notice the stranger seated next to her mother.

"Mama I did it! I swung all by myself on the big kid's swing with no one holding onto me!" She clapped her hands in excitement and waited for her mother's reaction.

"You did not!" Buffy squeezed her daughter tightly.

"She did so. All by herself and for a good three minutes before she got a little shaky." Jackson added as he reached the blanket out of breath. "You know you sure are a fast one Buttercup." He grinned in between gasps for air and sank down onto the blanket in front of Buffy. Katharine turned and ran to hug Jackson as Buffy snuck a peek over at Willow's face uncertain as to what her reaction to all this would be.

Willow was watching Katharine and Jackson intently a look of complete disbelief covering her face. Buffy thought that a feather could knock her over based on the stunned stare on the redhead's face. Too much, too fast. Willow's face softened and she grinned as Katharine began to relentlessly tickle Jackson and turned back towards Buffy. Her friend met her gaze with a look comprised partly of apprehension and partly of love. Willow knew what she was thinking and smiled reassuringly at her oldest friend.

"She's beautiful Buffy. How old is she?" Willow leaned over and whispered.

Buffy's features visibly relaxed at Willow's comment and a bright smile replaced her worried frown as she answered.

"She's three. She'll be four in August." Buffy's gaze returned to her daughter and Willow did the same. Intently studying the girl's features.

She had long dark brown hair, almost black, that fell well past her shoulders and ended in fat curls. She was fair complected, much paler than her mother, ivory fair was what kept coming to Willow's mind. But by far the most striking feature of the child was her eyes. They were emerald green and sparkled with mischievousness. Definitely shaped like her mother's but much deeper green. She was a stunning child.

Willow moved her attention from the little girl to the man who was playing with her. He was tall, definitely over six feet, and broad shouldered. His body reminded her of a certain someone but that was where the similarities ceased. He had golden blond hair cut short and bright blue eyes and not to mention the perfect tan and the cutest dimples. Willow smiled to herself as the thought occurred to her. She felt like a teenager checking out boys at the mall. She wondered who this man was to Buffy. She hadn't seen a wedding ring on either of their hands and he definitely did not resemble Buffy's daughter in any way though there was definitely a closeness between them. She turned her attention back to her friend as a thought suddenly occurred to her.

"Buffy, if she's about to be four then that means that." but Buffy cut her off before she could complete her thought.

"Not now Will okay? I promise we'll talk about it later just not now." Buffy's voice was quiet and pleading with her friend to understand and let it go for the moment. Willow shook her head in affirmation that it could wait and they turned to face Jackson as he spoke.

"So who's the pretty lady who has graced us with her presence this afternoon?" He stated looking questioningly at Willow.

"Jacks, this is Willow Rosenberg my dearest friend in the entire world, and probably beyond." Buffy laughed as she continued. "Willow this is Jackson Matthews medical student by day and by night." She stuck her tongue out at him when he protested and he threw a grape at her.

"It's nice to meet you Willow." Jackson offered his hand to her and shook it in kind.

"And you Jackson."

"Mommy I'm hungry." Katharine tugged at her mother's arm in protest.

"Well I guess that all this food won't go to waste then will it?" Buffy smiled down at her little girl. "Now let's see, what did Katie bring for lunch? I know you had the tuna fish right?" She laughed as Katharine scrunched up her nose in disgust.

"No Mommy! I had the peanut butter! Remember?"

"Peanut butter? No that can't possibly be right. Jackson, did you pack the bologna for Katie?"

"Bologna? Oh yes, Miss Katie loves her bologna." Jackson played along with their usual game.

"Yuck! No, not baloney!! PEANUT BUTTER!"

"Peanut butter?" Jackson and Buffy stated in unison.

"Oh we don't have that. All I have is this yucky old peanut butter and peaches and that couldn't be for you, could it."

"Yes Mommy." Katharine stood with her hand on her hip, though she knew this game as well as them all. "That is for me. Peanut butter and peaches with no crust!"

"Well then this must be yours." Buffy relinquished the sandwich into her daughter's eager hands.

"Thank you Mommy."

"Your welcome Kitty Kat." Buffy handed her daughter a cup of juice and passed a coke over to Willow.

"I know it's a weird combination but it's her favorite. Jackson says it's my fault. It was one of my cravings when I was pregnant with her. Peanut butter and peaches. I couldn't believe she would eat it, but she loves it. Are you hungry Will? There's more than enough. I packed for an army it seems. Speaking of armies, where are Shelby and Chris and the twins?"Buffy turned toward Jackson as she dug through a bag for the fruit.

"Oh, Chris was paged into the ER and Shelby had promised mom that she could have the twins for the rest of the weekend, but she made me promise to tell you that movie night is still on, even if she has to bribe me to be the babysitter." Jackson explained and Buffy grinned as she bit into an apple.

"Well, as long as they knew they were invited to this feast then I guess you're forgiven."

Willow ate her sandwich in silence, deftly observing the exchange taking place between the two. She had hoped to remain unnoticed, still feeling awkward, out of place and more than a little overwhelmed, but it was not to be for Jackson seemed to remember her presence and turned his attention towards her.

"Willow, you have been awfully quiet. What you brings you to our happy picnic?" Jackson smiled warmly at her as he bit into his sandwich.

"Well, I uh.well I am here looking for an apartment. I start graduate school at Harvard in the fall and."

"Really?" Buffy squealed, "Oh Will this is great, we'll be in the same city!" Willow smiled in response to her friend's enthusiasm and nervously fidgeted with the rings on her hand.

"What are you going to be studying?" Jackson kept the conversation rolling.

"Social history. Medieval and women's history more specifically."

"Wow, heavy topics. Where did you do your undergraduate work?"

"Uh, U.C. Sunnydale." Willow was uncomfortable being the center of attention but stuttered on.

"U.C. Sunnydale? I've never heard of it." Jackson answered.

"Really? I mean Buffy went there for almost a semester and." She stopped as Buffy's eyes widened and she shook her head in warning at her friend. "What is it Buffy? Didn't you tell him that."

"Buffy?" Jackson looked over at her the confusion evident on his face. "Why does she keep calling you Buffy?"

"It's a childhood nickname that everyone used to call me." Buffy stated matter of factly telling Willow with her look not to say anything else.

"I like Anne better. ANNABELLE." He grinned as he said the last word knowing it would set her off. Buffy frowned in mock protest at the name she hated and turned back to her friend.

"Did you just graduate Will?"

"No, last year. I took a year off before starting graduate school. I mean, we took a year off actually." She shyly held out her left hand for Buffy to see. Buffy gasped and grabbed her friend's hand in delight.

"Oh my God Willow! Congratulations! When did it happen?" Buffy studied the diamond ring intently and looked up at her friend. "And who is the lucky person?" Buffy waited as Willow hesitated, not wanting to bring up the past with her friend.

"It's Oz actually." Willow couldn't help but smile when she said his name. "He asked me on graduation night and we've spent the past year traveling with the band. They are gaining quite a following among the college set. So I spent the year on the road with them and will start graduate school here in the fall and Oz will join me then. We haven't set a date yet, things have been too hectic lately."

"Oz? How did it happen Will? When did he."

"Come back?" Willow answered and smiled at her friend. "Junior year. He'd done a lot of soul-searching and said he realized that it didn't matter what all the reasons were that we should be apart, because as long as we were together there was nothing we couldn't get through." Willow stopped as she saw a single tear make its way down Buffy's cheek. Buffy looked away and quickly wiped it off. Willow snuck a glance over at Jackson and if he noticed he didn't show it.

"Oh Willow. I'm so happy for you!" Buffy smiled earnestly at her friend. "Where are you staying in town?"

"The Hyatt. I just got into town this morning and was wandering around trying to get a feel for everything."

"Nonsense. You are staying with us. I insist. I can help you search for a place and you can spend some time with Katharine. Please don't say no Will.please!"

Willow smiled at her friend's insistence and relented to her demands once Katharine joined in the chorus.

"Okay. I give up. I will stay with you."

"Yay! Now, who are you?" Katharine asked, studying Willow's face intently as she laughed at the insistent little girl.

"I am Willow. I am a friend of your mommy's." Willow answered.

Katharine turned to check with her mother on the answer and Buffy nodded her agreement with Willow's statement. Satisfied that she was telling the truth, Katharine stuck out her right hand and introduced herself.

"I'm Katharine Angel Summers Donnelly, it's nice to meet you Willow."

"That certainly is a long name Katharine. You must be awfully important to have such a long name."

"That's what mommy always says!" Katharine giggled.

"You know Katie, Willow isn't really just my friend." Buffy stated watching her little girl's eyes go wide.

"She isn't?"

"Nope. She's also your Aunt Willow." Buffy finished.

"She is!" Katharine eagerly turned to study Willow's expression and leapt with joy into her open arms when she nodded her indication that it was the truth.

Buffy's heart swelled at the sight of her dearest friend and her daughter laughing and talking. She smiled over at them and sighed. She had so dreaded the collision of her past with her present fearing that all she had worked to build up would unravel and crumble like dust in the aftermath.

"I have an appointment with Dr. Reynolds in a little over an hour to go over some bacterial stains but if you lovely ladies would allow me the honor I could swing us all by the Hyatt to gather Willow's things and deposit you three at the house."

"Oh that would be great! So much easier than having to hold onto both Katie and luggage on the train!" Buffy answered and they quickly packed up the remnants of the picnic and piled into Jackson's car.

An hour later Jackson honked and waved as he pulled away from the curb in front of the townhouse where Buffy lived. All three waved back and set about moving Willow's things inside.

"You can stay in Katie's room, she never sleeps in here anyway and you should have plenty of room since it has a full-size bed, that is if you don't mind all the toys which someone was supposed to pick up before she went on the picnic this afternoon." Buffy glanced knowingly over at her daughter who hid behind Willow.

"I don't know Buffy. I don't want to be any trouble.I could just stay on the couch." Willow offered, uncomfortable to be given Buffy's child's room.

"Nonsense Will, I'm serious she has never slept in this bed. She always ends up with me. She doesn't even nap in here, she usually passes out on the floor or wherever she happens to be when her batteries finally run down."

"Oh yes Aunt Willow, please sleep in my bed! It will be fun!" Katharine stated insistently and Willow found that she was powerless to resist. She nodded her acceptance and Katharine happily disappeared in search of something terribly important to show her new Aunt.

Willow quickly deposited her things in the room and made her way back down the stairs to the kitchen where she found Buffy putting away the remains of the picnic.

"Can I help?" Willow offered.

"Actually, I'm just about finished. And I put on some tea, take a seat and I'll join you in a sec." Buffy disappeared into the pantry and Willow grudgingly sat at the kitchen table.

A few moments later Buffy returned and sat nervously across from her friend. The silence hung between them awkwardly and was only broken by the whistle of the teapot on the stove. Buffy stood to retrieve it and the tea tray and was silently glad for the interruption. She just didn't know what to say to her best friend. She had caused her and everyone she ever loved so much pain, she knew they deserved an explanation, it was just their reaction to it that frightened her the most and always kept her from picking up the phone and letting them know she was alright.

She sat the porcelain tea service between her and Willow and busied herself preparing their cups. She could see out of the corner of her eye that Willow was just as unnerved by the situation as she was, a fact that offered her surprisingly little comfort.

She set the cups down and hesitantly met her friend's gaze. Willow offered a thin smile in response and Buffy relaxed a hair.

"Mama?" Katharine's voice traveled down the stairs.

"In the kitchen Kitty Kat." Buffy answered.

In a flash Katharine was in the room and in Buffy's lap whispering in her ear.

"I don't know honey, why don't you ask Willow yourself?"

Katharine regarded her mother's expression for a moment and then turned and walked over to stand next to Willow.

"Aunt Willow?"

"Yes Katharine?"

"Would you like to see my drawings?" Katharine asked expectantly.

"You do drawings?"

"Uh-huh. Mommy says they are really good too."

"I bet that they are if your Mommy says so. I would love to see them, will you show me?"

Before she knew what hit her, she was being dragged through the kitchen and up the stairs into a small room covered completely in pictures. Buffy appeared behind them in the doorway a few moments after, watching in amusement as her daughter paraded her treasures for her aunt.

"And this one is of my puppy. His name was Spike. He died though. Mommy said that he got hit by a car. Mean old car." Katharine rambled on as she dug around for another picture while Willow turned to Buffy.

"Spike?" Willow asked eyebrow raised.

Buffy shrugged. "He was a demon dog. Jackson gave him to her last year. Rotten thing. The name fit him perfectly."

"And this one is of me and my Mommy. I drew it in Miss Franklin's class. She was my teacher and Mommy says that next year I will have a new teacher, but I don't think so because I love Miss Franklin."

"She's in preschool two days a week." Buffy added seeing the confused look on her friend's face.

"And this one is me, my Mommy and my Daddy." Willow looked at the picture and then at Buffy who looked away. Katharine continued chattering on, oblivious to the loaded glances being exchanged between the two women.

"You won't get to meet my Daddy though. Mommy says he had to go away because he loved us so much. Mommy said that he had to go protect us. He never got to meet me but Mommy says he loves me very much. Oh and this picture is of me and Ashley and Colby. They are my bestest friends."

Once Katharine had showed Willow every drawing in her collection, Buffy suggested, as only a mother can, that she snuggle down and watch Animal Planet and let her and Aunt Willow talk in the kitchen.

Buffy positioned herself at the table so that she could see her daughter in the living room and Willow sat at angle across from her careful not to block her view.

"She watches Animal Planet?" Willow asked.

"Yeah, anything but cartoons. She hates them. She can see right through them and they bore her. I had to learn that one the hard way. At least she doesn't like Barney either. I swear she'd watch the History channel 24 hours a day if I'd let her, but Animal Planet is the safest. Though don't get her started on the 'Crocodile Hunter.'"

"Wow, she's three and already she's more intelligent than Xander." Willow laughed and then stopped as she noticed the hurt look that passed across Buffy's face.

"Willow I'm so glad to see you." Buffy said quietly as she stared down at her hands.

"Me too Buff, me too. I still can't believe that I'm actually sitting here with you and you're alive and.how are you Buffy?" Willow asked quietly.

"Great." Though both of them knew it wasn't the truth.

"Buffy, can I.I mean is it okay to ask, you know, about stuff?" Willow fumbled for the right words to say, wishing she wasn't so unprepared for this.all of this.

"Of course you can. You can ask me anything Will, although I think that if I just start from the beginning it will make more sense and maybe answer most of your questions as well. Would that be okay with you?"

Willow nodded silently in agreement and Buffy took a deep breath and let it out slowly before starting the story she'd told herself so many times in her head. Never believing that she'd actually get the chance to say it to another person.

"I know it sounds clichéd but it's a long story and I guess the best place to begin is back in freshman year during that first semester. Remember when I returned from confronting Angel in L.A. about coming back to Sunnydale uninvited over Thanksgiving and I got really sick about three weeks later. I stayed in bed for days and could barely move without throwing up and you and everyone were worried sick about me and then that last night I passed out cold and you were so afraid I'd caught mono or something that you had Giles take me to the ER where they did all those tests to check for mono and the flu and everything." Buffy paused in her nervous babbling as Willow nodded in agreement.

"Yeah, I went with you and waited outside with everyone and they took you into that room and wouldn't let anyone in, not even your mom." Willow added shuddering at the memory.

"Yeah well there was a reason for that. Turns out I didn't have mono Will, and I didn't have the flu either. The doctor sat me down and told me straight out that I was pregnant. About one month pregnant to be exact, and since I was over eighteen he didn't have to tell anyone but me, it would be my choice who I shared the news with. He said that my body was reacting badly to the pregnancy and he didn't think that the baby would survive much longer. He tried to talk me into aborting it right then and there, telling me that I put my life in danger should I decide to try and carry this child to term. Can you believe it? I mean here I am a scared out of mind and not to mention sick eighteen year old girl and he's trying to convince me to kill my child ten seconds after he told me I was having one. I told him that I would think about it and he left. And for a while I just sat there in shock. I mean pregnant? I thought for sure he must be wrong but somewhere inside of me I knew he was right, the only problem was the timing. He said I was one month pregnant, and I hadn't slept with anyone since that ill-fated time with Parker and that was a good deal longer than a month. I just sat there going over and over the possibilities in my head and nothing fit. I felt like I was losing my mind. For a brief moment there I thought that maybe this was a Hellmouth related pregnancy, but it just didn't feel right and I figured that the doctors would have picked up on anything.non-human. So that left me back at square one. Pregnant and fatherless. So I made a decision right there. I promised my child that if she would hang in there and get stronger that I would fight for her and protect her no matter what it meant I had to do. And as soon I as I did it I knew it was the right thing to do. Don't get me wrong Will I was scared out of my mind. I didn't know what to tell you guys, I knew that the truth was too confusing and not to mention the little fact that I had no idea what the truth was. So I just decided to wait and not tell anyone at first. I changed back into my clothes and told you guys that I was okay, that it was just a viral infection, possibly the flu and that I had let myself get dehydrated that was all. I hated lying to you Will but I didn't see any other way and the longer I went without telling you the harder it became to do so. As my body started to adjust to the baby I realized that she wasn't safe in Sunnydale. I couldn't be pregnant AND the Slayer, even if you guys pitched in to take over the patrolling for me, which I know you would have done, it still wouldn't change the fact that every baddie within a hundred miles would be gunning for the Slayer and her child and I couldn't risk it. I couldn't ask you guys to give up your lives to take on my burdens. So I made up my mind right before winter break that first semester. The Hellmouth was no place to raise a child, especially for the Slayer. I had to leave. I wasn't naïve enough to think that I could run from being the Slayer, I had already tried that, twice, and it never worked out. But what I could do was put some distance between me and the demon community that knew me. I could stay out of the graveyards and the sewers and stay inside at night and hope that it was enough. So I did it. When you left for your last final that Wednesday morning I pretended to be asleep and when I was sure that you weren't going to be coming back for anything I stuffed some things in a bag and I took off. I left and I didn't look back."

Buffy paused and looked down at the table, ashamed at the pain that she knew her actions had caused her friend and afraid to look her in the eye.

"You should have told me." Willow said quietly, her voice not betraying her feelings.

Buffy glanced up at her friend and saw that tears were steadily streaming down her face. Buffy reached across the table and grabbed Willow's hand.

"I would have understood." Willow continued though she gripped Buffy's hand in return.

"I know you would have Wills and I know you would have done everything in your power to help me and to try and protect Katharine but I couldn't ask that of you. Don't you see? It was too much."

"You didn't even say goodbye, not even a note. Not to anyone. Not even your mom." Willow's voice had dropped to a whisper as if by barely saying the words it made them less true, less painful.

It was Buffy's turn to cry. "I know. I couldn't. I knew that if I left a note you would know that I had left and that you would try and find me, but if I just disappeared with no notice you would look for me and then Giles would search the Codex or some other ancient book and you would eventually just think I had been killed by some demon. I know it was cruel and it tore me up every moment I was away but I had to keep going for her sake I had to get away."

"We did look for you, for weeks and weeks." Willow's voice was small as she spoke. "Giles sent out search parties and even contacted the Watcher's Council who confirmed that you hadn't died, which wasn't nearly as comforting as you would think considering that meant that you were still out there somewhere. Xander lost it and tried to stake Spike, convinced that he had finally done you in. You mother was inconsolable. She blamed your father for everything and even then he came to Sunnydale and helped with the search though he was suitably at a loss for what was actually going on. Giles practically had the entire town searching for you at that point. The worst part was when Cordelia, Doyle and Angel arrived. They had been searching L.A. for weeks and found no trace of you, by that time we had narrowed the search back to Sunnydale since that was the last place anyone saw you and started over thinking that we had missed something somehow. Angel was a wreck. Cordy said he hadn't slept or fed since you disappeared, he looked so old. Spike had to hold him down while we force fed him so he wouldn't die. He didn't speak to anyone after that but he fed at least once a day from then on and everyone just left him alone. I don't know how he managed but he never rested, just kept searching non-stop, even during the day. Spike had to keep him from running out into the sun from the sewers more than once when he swore that he could smell you on the street. I've never seen anyone react the way he did when the search was finally called off. He just lost it. He kept insisting that you weren't dead, that you were still out there, that he could feel it. Everyone left, everyone except the small group of us who knew you best. We never stopped searching Buffy. Everyday I would walk to class and search the crowd for your face. All of us did it whether we realized it or not. Angel stayed on in Sunnydale for a while, he and Spike never ceased actively searching for you. Combing the demon community for news of the Slayer and finding nothing. They even put Willie in a coma once but it didn't do any good. It was like we were all in suspended animation, constantly doing the same thing over and over each day in slow motion, that is until the day the new Slayer showed up."

Willow stopped as her voice cracked with emotion and she had to struggle to regain her composure to continue.

"It was about eight months after you left that she showed up and we knew you had died. Giles checked and Faith was still very much alive and very much in prison. I hated that day more than any other. It destroyed us all. Seeing that girl show up and announce that she was the Chosen One was like pouring salt into an already raw wound. Worse still was when the Council practically rolled over trying to coax Giles into agreeing to be reinstated and becoming her Watcher but he would have none of it. He flat out refused and we were all terrible to that girl. The Council had to send in another Watcher all the way from Britain to help her as none of us would and Angel."

Willow hesitated, partly to block out the memories that were surfacing and partly in fear of saying what came next.

"When he and Spike came back from searching that night and she showed up.he lost it Buffy. He tried to kill her. Spike and Giles had to pull him off her and she nearly staked him in the process."

Willow looked away as she said the last sentence and heard Buffy's choked sobs in response.

"After that he left town and never came back. Cordy and Doyle left shortly there after and we all sort of went our own ways. Giles was the first to go. He couldn't take the memories and having to be in the same town with the new Slayer and her Watcher was too much to bear. He packed up everything, shut down the magic shop and moved to the Seattle area where he teaches a class in Demonology and Myths. Your mom was next. She never really recovered from your disappearance and your death was the last straw, well, she put the house on the market and moved back to L.A. with your father. They got back together Buffy. It was weird at first when Cordy told us but they seemed to be happier that way so who were we to judge? Xander stayed in Sunnydale until my Junior year when Oz came back and I know he felt left out again but I was so happy to have someone who hadn't been there when you were missing, who didn't have the same suffocating memories constantly eating away at them on the inside. Oz came back and Xander left. He travels a lot, doing odd jobs here and there. Last letter I received from him was before graduation. He was in Colorado and was considering settling down. And well, you know about me. I graduated, got engaged, and am starting graduate school in the fall."

Willow fell silent and looked up at Buffy who was covering her face with her hands as she cried, her body shaking violently with each sob that broke free from her throat.

"Oh God Will, I'm sorry, so sorry.I couldn't, I just couldn't stay. I couldn't." She broke back into to tears and was surprised when she felt Willow's arms around her and heard her friend crying too.

"Shh.Buffy. It's in the past. I didn't understand then, I'm still not sure I completely understand everything now but I know that whatever you did you had your reasons and you're alive! My best friend is alive and here with me! Please, it's okay. It's okay if you don't want to finish telling me
what happened."

Willow stroked Buffy's hair and tried to calm her down. There was still a lot of information that she was missing and a lot that just didn't add up. It was a good while before Buffy was able to compose herself enough to speak. She smiled gratefully up at her friend and excused herself for a second to check on Katharine in the living room. Satisfied that she was alright she returned to her seat to face her friend and finish the story she had started. She at least owed her an explanation and really so much more than that.

"After I left Sunnydale I kept moving everyday until I was out of California. I slowed down then but only by a little. Instead of staying in each place one night, I would stay two or maybe three at the most but that was it. I didn't want to take the chance that someone or something would recognize me and I just figured if I kept moving then I would be safe. It worked well for a while, I traveled mostly by bus, but as the baby grew it became harder and harder to blend in. I had made it all the way to the east coast by the time I was over eight months along and had to stop. I was too huge and too tired to keep moving. I got off the bus in Boston not knowing anyone and not having anywhere to go. I just walked around parts of the city for a while and stopped for some food in the late afternoon as I was starving. I needed to find some place to stay and soon as I didn't want to be out at night almost nine months pregnant and alone in an unfamiliar city. Worse still I was running out of money. I had existed on next to nothing but had still managed to blow through most of my savings. I walked into this diner and promptly passed out as pain ripped through my body and Katharine decided it was time to make her debut. The next thing that I remember is waking up in the hospital in serious pain and surrounded by more medical personnel than they have in the entire hospital in Sunnydale. I wasn't in labor very long, according to the doctor it was more like forty-five minutes but you could have fooled me, it felt like an eternity on my end. Katharine was born without incident and she was completely healthy. The problem was with me. I apparently had lost a lot of blood between my little scene in the coffee shop and my regaining consciousness in the hospital so when Katharine was born my body went into shock and my heart stopped. I died. For a good five minutes I was gone. And that's not the most unbelievable part. It was what happened while I was gone. I saw it Will. I saw the day that Katharine was conceived. I relived the entire day right there. It wasn't like I was watching it. I was there. I couldn't believe it. At first I didn't understand, I didn't know what was going on until the end. Until I clung to him crying and swearing I would never forget and then ten seconds later I turned right around and walked away. I wasn't supposed to know. It wasn't supposed to have happened. Katharine should never have existed. They were supposed to erase the entire day and they didn't and she survived. My child is a miracle."

Buffy broke down sobbing at that point. She knew that she wasn't making any sense but this was the first time that she had told anyone about that day and talking about just caused the memories to come flooding back. Willow was back at her side in an instant.

"Shh. Buffy it's okay. I'm here for you. Shh." Willow wasn't sure what Buffy was talking about but she knew enough to let her get to it in her own time.

"I'm sorry Willow." Buffy said quietly. "I've never told this to anyone and it's hard.so hard to let it all come to the surface, to let go of all the things I kept locked away for so long. I'm sorry. I'll get it together in a second." She wiped at the tears that stained her face and was quiet for a while trying to find a suitable spot to begin again.

"Okay, I can do this. I know that this must seem like a big huge mess to you right now."

"No, it's all pretty clear up until the part where you relived the day that Katharine was conceived. I thought you didn't know how it happened?" Willow spoke calmly and slowly letting her words sink in to give Buffy a starting point.

Willow listened in disbelief as Buffy recounted the details of the day that Angel was human. The day that never was. The day that she wasn't supposed to remember.

"As I turned and walked away from him, completely oblivious to what we had both been through just twenty four hours before and both of us equally unaware that I was now pregnant with a child from a day that never happened, the doctors revived me and I woke up with tears streaming down my cheeks. I still remember vividly everything I was feeling at that moment. I didn't know I had died, they didn't tell me that until later. I just remember being completely overwhelmed by relief and anger and sorrow and love all at the same time. I couldn't process it and the next thing they did was place that little baby in my arms and I cried and cried. She was so perfect and so beautiful. And she looked so much like Angel and she was real. A little piece of him and I was alive and in my arms. I've never had so much pain and so much joy in one single instant than when I held our daughter while knowing that I couldn't tell him about her."

"What? Why not Buffy? If you knew that she was his why wouldn't you want him to know?" Willow questioned, not sure she understood Buffy clearly.

"Because Will, he gave up his life for me again. He gave back his humanity so that I wouldn't die. And though I am still furious at him for it, I understand his reasons. I couldn't tell him about Katharine because I know he'd come back. He'd come back for her and I know you must be thinking 'what's wrong with that?' but I was afraid that every time he looked at her he'd feel guilty for his choice, and I never want my child to make anyone feel that way. She's not a mistake. Angel did what he thought was right, though he did it again without ever asking me what I thought on the matter. Then there's the little fact that he is a vampire, and I know him, he'd beat himself up every time she wanted to do something in the daylight, or when she starts sports and he can't go to the games. He can't take her to the park or to the beach and it would kill him everyday. I couldn't do that to them, to either of them. It was better just to move on and try and build a life for the two of us alone."

"Oh. But Buffy, don't you think that it will hurt him just as badly to find out that he has a daughter, a daughter with you, and never knew about it?"

"Yes I know it will, but we all have to make a choice Will. He made his choices and I made mine and we have to live with the consequences. I love him Will, I try to stop it but I still do. And she reminds me so much of him, it seems like more everyday. She has his mannerisms and his little half smile. She even has his seriousness though she is quick to laugh, which was a relief. I can't tell you how worried I was that she would be a little serious brooder."

"Do you think you'll ever tell him? I mean she's bound to want to meet him."

"Maybe some day when she's older and really starts asking about him. For now she's pretty content with the explanation I gave her."

"Yeah, speaking of that Buffy, what do you tell everyone else? I mean like Jackson for instance, where does he think Katharine's father is?"

"See that's where it gets complicated, it started back when I was still in the hospital after having Katharine. They had to admit me after the whole dying fiasco and I didn't have any ID on me, so they asked me what my name was and I almost said Buffy Summers, but I stopped myself. I couldn't leave a trail like that and I wasn't sure what I was going to do now that I had the baby. I think that part of me had always assumed I would give her up but once I saw her little face I couldn't do it. She was mine Will and I wanted her. I always wanted her. So I had to think fast, I knew I could use Anne as my first name but I needed a new last name, and I know this is going to sound stupid but I wanted to use Angel's name. The only problem was that I didn't know it. So I tried to think of an Irish last name so that way our daughter would at least have a part of her heritage. But I didn't want to be completely obvious and go with something like O'Shaunnessy, and as I was thinking about it the name Donnelly just came into my head. I don't even know where I'd heard it before but I liked it and it sounded okay with Anne so I told them my name was Anne Donnelly and left it at that. The hardest part was naming Katharine. I fought the urge to call her Angel, though I really wanted to. Katharine just seemed to suit her and she seemed to like it though the nurses thought I was just imagining things. So Katharine Donnelly it was. I added the Angel and Summers for my sake. I know the nurse thought I was insane then, giving this poor little child such a long name but it was important to me. I needed for her to have some ties to my former life, to who I really was. So she became Katharine Angel Summers Donnelly."

Buffy paused and looked down at the table for a second, regarding it seriously before looking up at Willow again and continuing.

"I put his name on the birth certificate Will."

"You did?"

"Yup, they asked for the father's name and I heard myself saying 'Angel Donnelly' before I could stop myself. I know I shouldn't have but it was important to me, I wasn't going to let the little fact that he was technically dead stop me."

Buffy laughed as she remembered the moment.

"You should have seen the look on that nurse's face when I told her my husband's name was Angel. I know she took one look at me and thought that I was a nineteen-year-old street kid with a gang-banging boyfriend. It was probably easier to swallow than the truth. I wasn't in the hospital very long, seems the Slayer abilities were still functioning at full power so about three days after Katharine was born we walked out of the hospital together to start our new life. I figured my little vacation from the land of the living would take care of there being a Slayer available for world saving and that you guys would think I was dead. It was the strangest feeling not to have that burden on my shoulders anymore. I mean don't get me wrong I was still completely paranoid that any second some big bad would show up and ruin this new life I was building for myself but as time passed and things remained more or less normal I relaxed a bit. There have been a few times here and there where my 'spidey sense' has gone off but I ignored it and walked away. I didn't want the attention. I tried so hard to protect Katharine from that world there wasn't anything that would make me go back."

Buffy paused to give Willow a chance to catch up before continuing.

"I won't bore you with the details but I managed to get myself a job at a coffee shop, and the owner, Frank, was so nice he let me bring Katharine to work with me and she stayed in the back office with his wife, Marie, who just adored her. They are an older couple who never had children so they doted on Katie as if she were their grandchild. They let me stay in the office until I made enough money to get a place of my own. They were so good to me. I would have never made it without them. I had worked there for about a month and was really starting to get depressed because the money was not adding up, when I met Jackson. The coffee shop was a popular hangout for the college kids and Jackson came in a lot and usually studied in the corner by himself and we would talk off and on. He met Katie when she was about three months old one night when he was the last person in the shop as we were closing up. He offered to help me clean up and Frank let him stay. I was really nervous about him finding out I had a child. He knew how old I was and I didn't want him to give me that look that I got from strangers on the street whenever I was out with Katie. But he didn't, he just adored her. He started coming by a lot after that and would go to the park with us sometimes in the afternoons when he didn't have class. We became friends and when I had worked at the shop for about six months he asked me why I lived there and I told him and that was when he did the most generous thing I have ever seen anyone do. He told me that his grandmother had a townhouse here that she and her husband had had built when they were first married and he said that it was where both he and his sister had lived when they were in college and that it was about to be vacant since he was going to graduate in May and would be moving in with some friends when he started medical school in the fall. He said that he had told his family about me over Christmas vacation and that his grandmother had insisted that I take the townhouse. She and Jackson's grandfather have retired and live down in Florida so they wouldn't be needing it and Jackson was the youngest grandchild so there was no one else who would be needing it for a good while. It took a lot of convincing on his part and when he showed me this place I just burst into tears. I was so overwhelmed. So I reluctantly let him talk me into it and we have lived here ever since. Not having to worry about paying rent has really helped me save some money. Jackson introduced us to his family and they have sort of adopted us. He has an older sister, Shelby, who is twenty-nine and she and her husband Chris have twins, Colby and Ashley, a boy and girl, who are about a year older than Katie. Chris is a pediatrician and is also Katie's doctor. He has his own practice and is constantly trying to convince Jackson that he should be his partner once he's through with med school, but he still has a long way to go. He's just starting his fourth year this fall and will still have internship and residency to go. Their parents live here also and are some of the nicest people I have met."

Buffy yawned and Willow took the opportunity to ask some of the questions that were still unanswered.

"So what did you tell Jackson about Katharine's father?"

"As close to the truth as I could manage without putting his whole worldview asunder. He only asked me about it once and I told him that Katie's father and I had been madly in love when we were young and that we had gotten married when I was seventeen but that things didn't work out as we planned and he left me so that I could have a better life and then when I found out I was pregnant I left town without telling him. It's pretty much the truth. He knows that Katie's father doesn't know she exists, that it was my choice for things to stay that way and that he would come back if I told him about her."

"Are you two, you know, dating?" Willow asked shyly causing Buffy to laugh at her.

"No, we never have. I wouldn't let him get that close at first. But he loved Katharine and she adored him so he sort of became her Uncle Jackson and we left it at that."

"But he's in love with you." Willow pointed out.

"Yes he is." Buffy replied quietly and paused. "He asked me to marry him Will."

"He did?" Willow's eyes widened with surprise. "When?"

"About a year ago. It was really very sweet of him. He had planned everything out, had Shelby watch Katie and had planned this whole day of fun for us and he asked me that night at dinner and I freaked. I got up and left the restaurant and he found me crying like a baby on the sidewalk. God I'm such an idiot, but he was so understanding. He just stood there and hugged me until I stopped bawling and then listened as I made a fool out of myself telling him that I couldn't marry him because I had a child with someone that I am still in love with and that it wouldn't be fair to him because I couldn't be the wife that he deserved and then I started crying all over again when I told him that I was so upset that he wouldn't be my friend anymore and he started laughing at me and told me that there was nothing I could ever do that would make him stop being my friend. And he meant it too. Never once has he acted differently and he never stopped being there for us."

"Wow, that's.that's." Willow fumbled for the right word.

"I know. The problem isn't that I don't care about him, it's that he doesn't know me. Not really. He doesn't know Buffy Summers, he knows Anne Donnelly and they aren't the same person. I'm still Buffy on the inside and with my daughter. I'm only Anne to the outside world."

"Wow. I see what you mean." Willow said at a loss for how to continue.

"I'm sorry Will. I didn't mean to talk forever, but it was such a relief to finally tell someone the truth." Buffy paused weighing her next question carefully but knowing that she had to ask it. "Can you ever forgive me for what I put you through Willow? I'll understand if you can't but I had to ask."

Buffy dropped her gaze to stare intently down at the empty tea cup in front of her anxiously awaiting Willow's response while preparing for the worst.

"Of course I can Buffy. You're my best friend and always will be. You didn't do what you did to intentionally hurt us, besides have I ever been able to stay mad at you?" Willow grinned broadly across the table at Buffy who responded in kind.

"I'm so glad to have you back! Tomorrow we can show you around the city and get started on your apartment search."

"Sounds good to me. What time is it?" Willow searched the room for a clock and Buffy answered.

"It's late and I think that I've just about talked myself into a coma tonight. What do you say we call it a night and start over in the morning?" Buffy stood to put the dishes in the sink.

"Sure. Uh Buffy, would it be okay if I woke Katharine up to tell her goodnight? I mean." Willow stopped abruptly as the sound of Buffy's laughter from the sink threw her off. "What? What did I say?"

"I'm sorry Will, it's just the idea of Katie being asleep this early is funny to me. That child is definitely a creature of the night. Sorry to say that she probably gets that one from both her parents. I guarantee you she is still awake. C'mon."

The two friends exited the kitchen to find Katharine wide-awake and intently focused on a sketchpad in front of her.

"Whatcha doin' Kitty Kat?" Buffy asked as she leaned against the doorway of the living room.

"Drawing." Came the short reply.

"Whatcha drawing?"

"Me and Aunt Willow at the park, wanna see it?" Katharine asked but didn't wait for a reply as she was up and across the room holding her picture up in front of them for inspection.

"My goodness that is a good one. Do you want to put it up on the fridge?" Buffy asked.

"Uh-uh. I want Aunt Willow to have it." Katharine handed the picture up to her aunt who took it proudly.

"Thank you Katie. I think that I am going to put it on my fridge when I get home. Would you like that?"

"Yes!" Katharine squealed as she wrapped Willow's legs in a giant three-year old hug.

"Okay little one, its time to let Aunt Willow get to bed she's tired and so is Mommy."

"Aww! Do we have to go to sleep now?"

"Yes, because if you don't then you won't be awake to spend the whole day tomorrow with Aunt Willow and me."

"Alright." The three year old reluctantly relented and made her way upstairs stopping half way up to turn around and face the two women in the hallway below. "Aunt Willow will you come say goodnight to me before you go to sleep?" She asked hopefully.

"Of course I will. I will be right up in a second." Willow answered smiling at her little niece.

"I can't get over how much she loves you after one day. I swear sometimes it's like she can read my mind." Buffy stated as she watched her daughter climb the rest of the stairs.

"She's perfect. Absolutely perfect." Willow answered. "Oh God Buffy Oz!"

"What? What's wrong?" Buffy answered unsure what her friend was suddenly so concerned over.

"I need to call him before I go to bed and well.he thinks that I am still staying at the hotel. What if he tries to reach me there and they tell him I have checked out, he'll freak. I can't lie to him, what do I do?" Willow looked over at Buffy anxiously while Buffy bit her lower lip considering her options.

"I don't know Will. I honestly never thought that this day would come. I don't know what I want to do. I'm not ready for this, for everyone to know. I can't ask you to lie to him, so I guess you can tell him whatever you feel is best, but Will.if you tell him about me please tell him not to share it. It's something I need to do for myself. Okay?"

"Okay. How about I tell him that I met an old friend from Sunnydale and that I'll explain the rest to him later. That way I won't have to burden him with such a secret but I won't be lying to him."

"I appreciate it. Thanks Will."

"Let me go say goodnight to the little one and then I'll call Oz before he tries to reach me and can't."

"Sure, see you in the morning Will."

"Good night Buffy." Willow smiled as she made her way upstairs and Buffy sank down into the couch the events of the day still swirling in a dense fog around her consciousness.

She smiled to herself when she remembered the look on Willow's face when she saw her daughter for the first time. Buffy sighed and felt like for once in a very long time it was alright to be herself, to stop hiding from the world. She reluctantly climbed off the couch and made sure the doors were locked before turning out the lights and heading upstairs to bed.

Next Part