Disclaimer: Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel and all associated charcters etc. belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, Twentieth Century Fox...etc. If they were mine it wouldn't have been so depressing this last season, anyway. Oh yeah, I have to include this one as well...'The Family Man' is copyright of Beacon Communications Ltd and Universal. No copyright infringement is intended.
Timeline: It's about nine years since the end of season six. Eight years since the end of days and I've not mentioned either Spike or Connor because they didn't really fit into the basis for 'The Family Man'. Plus I like to think that Buffy was kind of unsane when she was with Spike, well she'd just been torn from heaven, wouldn't you be insane too? : )
Notes: Everyone who's seen 'The Family Man' will know which bits of dialogue and stuff I have borrowed. The other stuff is mine. You know, everybody who's not Buffy and everyone! The second time I watched this movie, it had much more of an effect on me than it had the first time and I thought that it was a story that kinda belonged in the Buffy/Angel universe and I had to write it. : )
Summary: What if Buffy had made some different choices? And had the chance to see what might have been.
Feedback? Does the slayer stake vampires? Yes I'd love feedback!

I thought I had the perfect life. I thought that I was finally happy in my finally normal life, boy, how wrong was I?

I like my life, it's what I wanted; I was so sure of it. I mean I occasionally got the feeling that there was more to be had, that there was something missing. What more was there? And then one image alone would flick across my minds eye and I got pissed off with myself and find ways to be distracted away from it till the feeling passed. It always did, except for.well now. But who doesn't occasionally get a little restless, however happy they appear to be?

There is something missing. Don't be ridiculous, of course there's not anything missing, my life's how I always wanted it to be. Finally normal, no more demons, either physical and metaphorical ones, I have a successful martial arts centre which I love, okay, so the initial buzz of teaching that I'd had seemed to have evaporated with the day to day running of the whole thing, the business side sucked the fun out of it a little, but I still loved it. There's no reason to feel like there's something missing, and there isn't. It's probably just the holidays. I mean, who doesn't get depressed at Christmas?

I unlock the door to my apartment and release a breath I hadn't realised I'd been holding. My apartment is just outside the busy city; there are seven apartments in the complex, secluded and apart from the rest, enclosed by several beautiful gardens. It's my haven, the only place I feel like myself, and it's my relief. I fell in love with it from the moment I walked in, how many years ago was that? I loose track, like I've lost track of so many things. They seem to escape me, or do I escape them? I don't know; I'm too tired for any in-depth introspection.

It's eight years, how did that happen? It doesn't seem that long since.. I snap out of it. There's nothing wrong with my life, it's perfect, just how I had wanted it to be. After all, time flies when you're having fun doesn't it? And I am, some of the time.

What time is it? Late, is all my brain will tell me, I vaguely recall that it's probably early Christmas Eve and will myself back to sleep with a groan. I didn't need Christmas.

Almost immediately I had the strange sensation of being lifted off my bed on which I'd inelegantly dumped myself several hours before after too much vodka. Weirdly, this didn't feel like the normal alcohol induced dreams I had, almost too regularly. No it was something else entirely. It couldn't be anything prophetic; I hadn't had one of those dreams since.well for eight years. Not after I was released of my slayer duties after it happened, the End of Days that is.

I wasn't allowed any more speculation as there was this sudden brilliantly white light that engulfed me. I could barely see anything, fear of being blinded by the light; the most I could make out was the outline of two people a slight distance away. And then it was over, I knew that I was back in my bed, that light the only thing in my mind and somebody saying,

"Prepare yourself." Or maybe my inebriated mind imagined it. No, I had heard it, what the hell it meant was beyond me in my current state and I decided to ignore it, if I could, sleep was much the better option and besides, what was I meant to be preparing for? It didn't make much sense; there were no more things to fight. Not many anyway. And though I still had my strength I didn't go looking to kill the last remaining creatures because there wasn't much need to. They didn't draw attention to themselves by being obvious and killing people. They laid low and this was why I didn't bother with them, why should I? I had my own life to lead.

The too cheerful winter sun woke me early. For a moment I was back in that vividly white place before reality took over and I woke up properly. Shaking off any niggling doubts I had about the previous nights 'dream' or whatever it was I got up, not bothering to dress specially. It wasn't like I was going to see anyone important today and that was if I was going to see anyone at all. Willow had predictably invited me to their traditional Christmas reunion of the Scooby gang. I'd gone the first few times but I found that their happy lives seemed to eclipse mine somehow. I wasn't even sure why, I was happy, I had all I wanted; yet there was still something about the reunions that got to me. This didn't stop Willow sending the invitations, even though they didn't know exactly where I was. I'd travelled around at first, not really sure where I belonged and any mail was sent to me via my bank. Then when I stayed here and started the centre I just never got around to telling them my new address. There's a part of me that really wanted to, the rational side at least, but the other side just helped to keep them all at a distance.

They'd be surprised if they knew I was so close, I imagine Willow would be cross with me, I write to her occasionally, she seems to be the only one I can still talk to. And Giles, but then he moved back to England and back to Olivia. I wasn't really surprised and I'm glad he found someone and has a life and is happy. He writes to me more than I write back, but then I never was very good at writing things down, how I was feeling and such. He understands, I think he does anyway.And then there's Dawn, I see her occasionally, she's as busy as I am, busier. She graduated law school last year, I was so proud of her, she'd got a full scholarship and now she's doing well at a good firm in LA, I wouldn't be surprised if she relocated to the East Coast, New York or Boston. She's in demand. And I do see her sometimes, out for lunch or dinner in the city, she's never been here and for a while I wonder just why. I don't need to ask really, I've never invited her. Something seems to keep me keep her at a distance as well. She's got a busy life now anyway; I doubt she's too bothered. And like I say, I see her sometimes.

I hear church bells ringing not too far away, always busy on Christmas, I prefer church when it's quiet; I guess I don't get the magic of Christmas anymore, it feels like a long time since I did. I better get out of here or I'll end up getting drunk again, at least if I'm out I'll stop myself from it until tonight. I was never much one for alcohol before, but now it seems to be the familiar comfortable pattern I've slipped into. It's only around the holidays, when my aloneness is so painfully obvious. The rest of the time I can concentrate on my business and my students and the friends who know me as a happy and focused Buffy Summers.

I hear the door knocked at just as I put on my coat and the guy standing there when I open it has a bunch of red roses and a gift and a wicked grin on his face. He sets the things aside on the small hall table and skilfully wraps me in his arms in a kiss that may once have turned my legs to jelly, but not now. My occasional boyfriend, Michael, I met him at a club in town one night and we got talking. He travelled around a lot on business, never in places for very long and as alone as I was, he seemed a good idea at the time, but that was a couple of years ago, and as the occasional visits went on, occasionally, my heart just lost interest. I guessed I didn't want that kind of relationship. I guess I should tell him that though. I pull away and he looks at me now. My expression must have said it better than I could because he nodded his head, told me to keep the gifts, he bought them for me and that he understands. I guess his heart was getting tired as well. We couldn't have worked out when it was like this. I remember someone else who used to know what I was thinking just by looking at me. Things never turn out how you think.

Somehow unaffected by Michael's brief appearance I drive to work in the still busy LA of Christmas Eve and say a silent thank you that the centre will be quiet in the afternoon. There are a few classes this morning but other than that it'll be quiet. I told everyone to start their holidays today and I'll have the place to myself. Hopefully there shouldn't be time for anyone to ask why I'm not going to be with my family or whoever. But then, I'm not even sure if I told them that, they probably know anyway. Dawn went to the Scooby Christmas last year but she might even be working tomorrow, lawyers are like that I guess. They're buried in their work and at least she enjoys it like I do mine.

The turkey sandwich I made for lunch isn't too appetising but I eat it anyway. I sit cross-legged in the centre of Studio A and feel a bit better. Everyone's gone home after this morning's classes. Maybe it's the promise of the classes I have the day after Christmas; I have a few, that keeps my head above the ocean of mess that is my mental and emotional state. I can at least recognise that it's a mess. Someone decorated the centre; it was probably Phoebe and Julia. Jules is my deputy manager and they're both my friends. Of course they don't really know me but this way they think I'm normal and that's always good. My eyes are drawn to the angel that glitters at the top of the Christmas tree in the corner, I told them to use the star but I guess I was ignored; they liked the angel better. I don't like to be reminded is all. I almost hate him for affecting me the way he still does, invading my mind. I hate myself more, because when I think about it, it was my fault; I pushed him away. I thought I couldn't love him anymore but I couldn't think properly after it happened, after the End of Days battle. Somehow we all survived, we'd added to the wealth of emotional scars that we'd collected over the years but we were alive, breathing; and so was he. He was breathing, for the first time in almost two hundred and fifty years. How many times had a dreamed of that moment, of us being together and having a chance for a real life? How wrong can a person be? It just wasn't meant to be. Not then anyway.

Caught up in the heat and exhaustive aftermath of the battle we made love. Two bodies and souls celebrating victory and redemption and searching for the release that we had both desperately needed. A release from the pain and the waiting and one that only our love could give us. But like I said, it wasn't meant to be. I woke up hours later a different person, I honestly thought I was, the battle still fresh in my mind, all I could see and hear around me was pain and suffering and death. Yes, we had all survived but many hadn't many were to die later. It was all I could breathe and I saw the misery that I had brought to everyone. People would always die, but these people had died because I wasn't good enough to save them all. All I could think about was the pain I caused others and it hit me. Why should I be happy when they couldn't? I didn't deserve to be happy. Angel deserved better than me, he deserved someone who wouldn't bring misery to his human existence. So I walked away. He tried to talk to me but by then I wasn't listening. Something inside me stopped because I couldn't be with him and be happy so I stopped being me.

I can still hear his yelling and then gentle pleading, his eyes full of unshed tears. "I've never wanted anything more than I want you, than I love you and I choose us." My tears were never cried; I wonder whether his were. None of them really understood this. I guess they just saw a different person and assumed I didn't love him anymore. I don't think Xander was too sorry about it; even human Angel bothered him. My friends stayed in Sunnydale, they rebuilt their lives and they expected me to join in. Angel had been everything and then there was nothing. I couldn't stay after what had happened with him, so I didn't.

I left, I almost didn't, almost went back to his arms. I turned round for one last look before I boarded the plane and there he was. Standing a short distance away and my heart leapt. I shut it down and turned back to the plane and my future.

He must have hated me, I don't blame him but he must have got over me, us. One particularly shitty and lonely Christmas, the one after the battle, I went to see him. I still loved him and a little drinking session had released some inhibitions so I went to see if he could.still.I don't know. Whatever it was that I went for I didn't get it. I just got an eyeful of him and his new girlfriend. I knew I'd pushed him away but I hadn't really thought he'd have found someone so quickly. It hurt me like I'd hurt him and I guess I deserved that but I suddenly felt like we hadn't had anything special anyway. I know he saw me on my way out. I didn't say anything and he didn't try to speak to me so that's when I knew it was over. It actually helped me, he had someone like I'd wanted him to and I put him out of my head. Well, as much as I could anyway, its just times like now that I can't stop from thinking. I wonder where he is; he might still be living in LA. Maybe he kept up the agency; he still had his strength; but then there's probably less call for his agency's specific area. I can't even feel him anymore, I used to know when he was around but now.well if he is in LA I can't feel him. I guess I switched that off too. I'm too detached from him now. He probably doesn't feel me anymore either. No more demons eh? Okay so I still have issues, who doesn't? Stupid angel; I stare daggers at the one on the tree. Where was my guardian Angel? Did I even have one?

The clock says I've been here too long, frighteningly long actually. When I go into myself like that I really loose awareness of what's happening in the real world. I pack up what I need to take home and leave. It's actually cold for once, it won't snow though; it won't snow.

I stopped at the church on the way home; it was lit up and seemed to beckon me into its warmth. The only others I saw were an elderly couple, enjoying the peace as well as me. I didn't stay long, I never do; I just take a brief visit now and then. It's hope that lives there, hope that I visit, though it seems to leave me at the door as I leave. Either that or I bury it to avoid inevitable disappointment.

I have a walk to the open grocery store a little later. My head is too full of things and I think maybe the cold air will clear it. What happened did anything but that. On my way back I hear a muffled cry ahead of me and unable to just leave it alone I walk forward to investigate. Some guy was trying to take this girls bag and though she seemed to be keeping hold of it okay I didn't think she'd come out of it very well.

"Hey, you want to give that back?" I asked as I stood in front of him and the girl, my arms folded.

"Well, look what we have here, you want to play too huh? Well I think that can be arranged." He abandoned his pulling party with the girl and let go. She ran off and I was left with the mugger. He was way too cocky so I decided to teach him something. I dodged all his attempts to punch me, I hit his face a couple of times kneed him in the stomach and flipped him over. He looked at me like I was crazy when he came around, that was before he legged it down the street.

"Hey, thanks." I turned around and saw the girl whose bag he'd tried to take. I could have sworn she'd run off in the other direction.

"That's okay, are you okay? What's your name?"

"Hope, and yes I'm ok."

"Well, Merry Christmas Hope." I turned to go but she grabbed by coat sleeve, stopping me.

"That was a good thing you did, you know." She seemed to be trying to tell me something.

"Yeah. Do you need anything? Can you get home okay?" She looked at me for a second,

"Yeah, it's no problem."

"Everybody needs something."

"Yeah? What do you need?" The way she asked the question told me there was more than one meaning to her words.

"Me?"

"You just said everybody needs something."

"I've got everything I need."

"Wow, are you sure? It must be great being you."

"Yeah, okay." This was getting a bit weird, even for me. "You know you really shouldn't be walking alone so late, you might regret it someday."

"You're talking to me about regrets?" I looked at her, slightly puzzled while she laughed to herself. Did I know her? "I'm gonna really enjoy this, you just remember that you did this Buffy, okay, you brought this on yourself." She told me as she walked away. I was going to ask how the hell she knew my name but she just repeated, "You brought this on yourself." I stood there for a second, trying to process what had just happened; it was the second weird occurrence within a day. When I looked up she was gone, I couldn't see her, not even faintly in the distance. Either I was going crazy, again, or something very strange was going on. I was still standing in the exact same place when a single snowflake landed on my nose. When I looked up, all I could see was snow. It was actually snowing and I walked home, my head even more full than it had been when I set out.

I groaned slightly as I stirred, that damn sunlight again, I'd have to do something about those curtains. I lifted one eye to look at them and shook my head a little after closing my eyes again. The window seemed to be in the wrong place and the curtains were totally different. No, it's just me, I shift a bit as I prepare to go back to sleep when I become aware of an arm draped across my body. There's some guy in my bed and then somehow, I know its Angel; I can smell him, a slight musk and something that's undeniably Angel's scent. I breathe it in and smile, savouring this particular dream. I hadn't dreamt of him for a long time, I'm too good at shutting him out of my head. It must be all that drink last night; this feels so real. He stirred slightly next to me, tightening his hold around me and drawing me to him.

Wait, I didn't drink anything last night, I'd been too tired to do anything except sleep, thankful for it. The only things in my head were that strange girl and the inexplicable echoing words of the previous night's drunken dream. "Prepare yourself." I hadn't drunk anything and now I was pretty sure I was fully awake. What the hell was going on? Angel moved even closer, now waking up as well. He nuzzled into my neck, kissing my shoulder as he held me to him. Something very weird was going on, Angel didn't seem to think it was though; he seemed very.at home, completely relaxed. Which was far from what I was.

"What time is it?" He asked sleepily, muffled by my hair. I didn't answer right away, getting way past freaked out I only remembered he'd asked a question when he murmured, "Hhmmmm?" Deciding I better say something, you know before I ran for the hills, all I could manage was,

"E-early I think." He kept his hold on me and moving his head a little he whispered in my ear,

"Ten more minutes." And then after hearing a thudding noise from somewhere else; "Never mind, prepare yourself." Though I could hear the humour in his voice I found none in what he'd said. I pulled away to look at him properly and my breath caught. He was still gorgeous, my gorgeous Angel. What the hell was going on? He looked at me quizzically for a second but was prevented from saying anything by the small person that suddenly appeared on the bed. Bouncing up and down above us was a small girl, maybe four or five. She had blonde hair and unmistakable brown eyes. She couldn't be.yet I knew that she was and she confirmed my thoughts when she then started shouting,

"Mommy, mommy! Daddy, daddy! It's Christmas! Christmas! Pwesents! Get up mom, lets have pwesents." At which point she stopped shouting and continued bouncing by our heads. I closed my eyes; I'm still asleep; that's the only answer. I was having a very real dream about Angel and our daughter. Distantly I thought I could hear a baby crying and Angel nudged me,

"Come one sleepy head, its Christmas and it sounds like James wants his mommy." I opened my eyes in alarm, two kids, not just one. Angel must have taken my expression for something else since he then said quickly, "Okay, his daddy, he wants his daddy then." He climbed out of bed leaving a cold draft and picked the little girl off the bed. "Come on Ash, let Mommy get up and I'll go make us breakfast." She looked back at me and I managed an awkward smile.

"Pwesents?" She asked.

"Yeah, we can do presents then." He told her and she seemed satisfied with this and left the room, I could hear her running down the stairs and Angel calling after her. I sat up, what was I going to do? This isn't my life; something really serious was going on. I didn't recall any run in with a demon that could have somehow transplanted me into a different world or me into crazy Buffy. I was vaguely aware that the baby's crying had stopped and a minute later Angel was back with the baby on his hip. He couldn't have been much older than a year. "I almost forgot," Angel said as he leaned in towards me and kissed me softly on my lips. "Merry Christmas my love." And then at the door, "I'll make us some coffee. Don't be too long or you'll miss all the fun." And with that he was gone. What a relief, I jumped out of bed and began rummaging in the wardrobe on the other side of the room, it sure wasn't a big room, and I pulled on some jeans and a random top.

As I reached the bottom of the stairs I could hear the excitement from the little girl in the living room. I grabbed the jacket by the door and with little regret I grabbed the keys that were thankfully on a hook by the door and I got out of the house. It was like escaping, after all, I didn't belong there, I didn't even know where here was. I looked at the van in the drive and almost laughed. Why wouldn't we have a van like that, it's a perfectly typical car for a typical family. That was forgetting one thing of course, that this wasn't my family; I didn't have a frigging family.

When I started the engine Angel must have heard because he appeared at the door, the most confused look on his face. I imagine it's still there as I back out and drive away. It doesn't take me long to figure out that I'm in Sunnydale, eugh Sunnydale. I haven't been here for eight years. It's changed, it looks more normal now, not that it looked weird before but it always had this atmosphere and I can tell just from the sitting in this car that that's gone. I don't know where I'm going, I can't try and talk to anyone because if this really is a different world, they'll be living in it as well, they'll think I'm completely insane. Maybe I am, maybe I'm back in that institution. Why has this happened? I didn't ask for this, I was doing fine. I stop by a park and make my way to sit on the swings; the ones I remember pushing Dawn on. Something flickers in the corner of my eye and when I turn around I see two figures standing a small distance away. They're actually gold and blue, they aren't solid I can see through them but this doesn't make them any less there, right in front of my eyes.

"I know you." I tell them as I stop nearer to them than before. They do seem familiar, but there's a memory block in my head and I don't know why they feel familiar.

"Indeed warrior, or former warrior, whichever." I think it was the female who spoke.

"Do you know what's going on? What's happened to me?"

"We do know yes." The male one replied.

"You need to learn some things Buffy Summers." The female continued.

"Learn? Learn what things? This isn't my life, I want mine back."

"Silence! You will listen to us. You have to learn." She said impatiently.

"This is a glimpse Buffy Summers, you have to see it, have to learn; for some things are not as they should be. You have to see and you will. This is a glimpse of what your life would have been like should you have taken a different path. You have to figure out the rest for yourself." Here he seemed to pause, waiting for me to say something?

"So, this is what my life would have been like? How am I meant to stay here, I don't know this life, it isn't mine."

"You will learn."

"Take me back, please." I asked them, too tired to really shout or yell.

"When it is time, but first you have to see." They turned as if to leave and I could see them getting even more faint. They were going.

"Tell me more, I need to know more. You can't just leave me here. How can I talk to you.?"

"You cannot." The male one said, replying only to my last question.

"Wait, how long exactly?" Desperate to know more before they completely vanished.

"As long as it takes." I turned around to see the owner of the third voice. I knew her,

"It's you."

"It is Buffy. You remember you brought this on yourself."

"Huh?" I asked, remembering her words to me.

" 'I've got everything I need' sound familiar Buffy?"

"So because.because I was a bit full of myself I get stuck having a permanent trip, and a much less fun one at that! I'm freaking out here!"

"It was that mugging situation that did it. That was a good thing you did Buffy, and it impressed them, it's been a while since you did anything like that. Put someone else first."

"I saved the world for goodness sake, I think I earned my time away from fighting."

"Yes, but it made an impression." I didn't say anything, just stared at her. The Powers sure were messing about with my life. "This is a glimpse Buffy."

"I know they said." I gestured to where the oracles had been a few minutes ago.

"As long as you know, like they said, you've got some things to figure out."

"But how long, I can't be here."

"As long as it takes, and in your case, that might be a while." I was about to reply but when I looked up she was gone as well, leaving me alone here. I sat on the hard ground thinking. Despite the 'family' that would be waiting for me, I felt alone, completely alone.

When I got back to the car there were three presents sat on the passenger seat. I supposed I could use them as my excuse for when I got back. I really didn't want to go back but it didn't seem like I had a choice, I didn't have anywhere else to go and if I couldn't get back to my life without going back there I might as well. That way I'd get back to my own life quicker. I couldn't remember where the house was but when I finally got back, I walked quietly to the kitchen. Angel was on the phone and when he saw me he looked relieved.

"Never mind, because, because she's just walked in. Yes, thank you, goodbye." He came over and pulled me to him in what could have been a painful hug, had I not had slayer strength. "I was so worried. Where were you Buffy? I've been calling everyone, our friends, the police, and the hospitals. What's going on?" He looked terrible and I felt bad for the first time for leaving that morning.

"I'm sorry, I.." I couldn't think of anything that I could say that would help. I couldn't be his Buffy, I wasn't his and I couldn't be me either. What could I say to explain? I knew I couldn't so I opted for non-explanation, of both my problems; being stuck here, and also the other thing; why I had disappeared.

"You missed everything; the pancakes and the presents; you were so excited about getting Ashley that bike but you didn't even see her face when she opened it; you missed Christmas Buffy." There wasn't too much I could say really, maybe I could get through this if I didn't make a fuss, plus then no one would have to declare me insane.

"I know," I said quietly, "Did they have fun?" I asked, positive that his Buffy would have wanted to know.

"Yes, Ash loved her bike and I know James won't remember it but he had fun just the same, though he was mostly taken by all the wrapping paper." I smiled, babies were always like that, the paper was always more interesting to them, and I didn't want to seem even stranger. Everyone likes babies, though I'm not sure about being a mother to one myself, it's easier when they're someone else's, but I suppose that his Buffy is good with them.she's had two.

I'm not sure whether I was jealous of her or what exactly. She had everything I didn't have but I was sure that I hadn't wanted this yesterday. Or maybe I did want a family at some point but then, I wasn't really looking for a guy in any real way. It was my fault. Before, I'd only ever imagined having a family with Angel but since I'd lost that chance by running away from it I couldn't seem to see a family anymore. I hate how he still affects me, even though I try to pretend he never existed. "You remember how he liked the paper last year too?" I nodded, what else could I do, the baby probably hadn't been very old at the time. Angel gave me the answer to that, "He was only two months old then."

"It doesn't feel that long." I decided on a bland obvious statement.

"No, it doesn't. Buffy are you okay, you aren't sick are you?" I looked up at him and he looked worried, he looked sweet when he was worried. I half wished that someone could be that concerned about me in the real world but stopped myself. I didn't need Angel and even if I did, he wouldn't want to know so it was a pointless idea. He wouldn't want to know. And he probably had someone anyway. "Buffy?"

"Oh, yeah I'm okay, I think."

"You just don't seem like yourself. Is there anything you want to talk about?"

"No, there's nothing." It wasn't as if I could even try to tell him the truth.

"Would you like a coffee then? We can curl up on the sofa for a while?" He seemed so earnest and I couldn't help but return his smile, I nodded.

"Are the kids asleep?" I asked a little while later.

"Yeah, they were tired out, way too much excitement. He pulled me closer to him where we were on the couch and I relaxed in his arms. All snuggled together like that I was relaxed for the first time since this had happened. My mind was trying to tell me not to get too comfortable here, not to let Angel back into my head because it would be so hard when I did leave. But that was easier said than done. Who knew how long it'd be before they take me back? It was going to be impossible to be this near to Angel, actually being his wife and the mother of his kids and to not accept that I wanted and needed him with me forever.

"Are you sure you're okay Buffy?" He asked a bit later. I studied him carefully, wondering how much he could tell about what I was thinking; obviously it wasn't too much because he wasn't acting like he thought I was crazy, just as if I were ill or something.

"Yeah, I'm okay, tired; just tired."

"Yeah I am a little, we better get to bed else we'll never be up for tomorrows madness." He said, clearing the mugs of half drunken coffee from the table and taking them into the kitchen.

"What madness?" I asked when he returned a second later.

"Come on, there's no way you've forgotten. You arrange this every year. The day after Christmas with all our friends and their families, which I've come to term the 'madness'." I smile trying to look like I know what he's talking about.

"Right, I'm just tired you know."

"Are you sure you're not sick or anything?" He asked again as I made my way to the stairs. I turned round and saw his face full of concern, and the love in his eyes. My heart was doing little jumps, it really wasn't going to be any good when I got back to my life and had to remember how to forget him all over again. I nodded and began climbing.

Breathing hard I sat bolt upright in bed, my bed, and breathed relief. I was at home; it had just been a dream. But then, if it had been, why was there somebody moving beside me?

"Buffy? You okay?" He mumbled sleepily and I fell back onto the bed with a thump that woke him completely, though I hadn't meant to. For a second I had truly believed that I had dreamed it all and that I was waking up on Christmas morning at my apartment. I let out an involuntary sob and worked very hard not to break down. "Buffy?" This time his voice had more than a large amount of concern in it and I let him take me in his arms. "Bad dream?" I just nodded and tried to compose myself. I just couldn't help it. I didn't belong here, but then, 'here' was comforting. I was with Angel, in a way I would have loved to be with him, at least before. I wanted to go back but at the same time I found myself wanting what I didn't have there. Despite the fact that I didn't have this for the precise reason that I'd thrown it away, I couldn't help but wonder and wish things were different. It was only for a second, and then I told myself to get a grip, I was doing fine by myself. But even then there were these annoying little niggling voices telling me that I wasn't fine, that I was far from fine and in need of something in my 'world' that I knew I couldn't have any more. They were saying that I didn't belong here, but that I needed what I had here, Angel and the children.

"You aren't my mommy are you?" Ashley asked as I attempted to change James' diaper. It was pretty gross. I turned around. She was very clever; I supposed that children were more open to different possibilities. I signed and decided I couldn't lie to her.

"No, I'm not, but your mommy loves you very much and I'm sure she'll be back very soon."

"When will she be back?"

"I'm not sure, it shouldn't be too long." Her chin quivered and I knew she was going to start crying at any second.

"Please don't cry she'll be back soon." She seemed to be thinking,

"Can you make chocolate milk?" I smiled; I'd loved chocolate milk when I was little.

"I think I can manage that." She nodded and slowly made her way toward me and then proceeded to instruct me on how to change James.

"So, Ashley, can you tell me exactly who's coming today?" I asked her later as I stood in the kitchen preparing food. At least I could do that okay.

"Well it's all your fwends and their kids who are my fwends, well some of them."

"Is it.Willow?" I asked, hoping that it was. Maybe her life here was a bit like hers in reality and then at least I'd know something about it, about her.

"Yep, Aunt Willow and uncie Oz." Okay so that was the same, Oz had come back for the End of Days and I think Willow didn't want to endanger anyone else who didn't know about the hellmouth by involving them with the monsters, I think she blamed herself for Tara. And she still loved him so.

"Do they have a son called Giles?" I asked her, he'd have been five years old this year.

"Yep he's six and he's vewy annoying." Huh, he was a bit older here. "They have a girl too. That's Anna she's five same age as me and she's my fwend." I smiled at her, they have a girl, I don't remember Willow telling me that, and I'm sure she would have. I guess they didn't have a girl.in my world.

"Who else? Xander and Anya?"

"Yeah, you're vewy good at this. They have a boy too, that's Will, and he's six too."

"That's it right? No one else?" I asked, not expecting anymore, I was trying to calculate how much food I needed to make.

"No there's more there's more!" She told me, obviously worried that I didn't know.

"Really? Okay who are they then?"

"Wellw, there's Grandpa Giles and auntie Olivia." I stopped dead; they were here? Were they visiting from England or.

"Ashley, do they live here in Sunnydale too?" She nodded, chomping on a piece of carrot that I'd left on the side. "They don't live in England here." I said quietly to myself. "Do they have any children?" They did in my life. And she nodded again,

"Elizabeth, she's only three but she's sweet." I smiled; huh, she was two in 'my' world. Giles had written that he'd wanted call her Buffy for short but that Olivia wouldn't let him. I'm glad she did, poor girl, she didn't have to get stuck with the name as well.

"Okay, so we've got, Willow, Oz and Giles and Anna. Xander, Anya and Will and Gi.Grandpa Giles, Olivia and Elizabeth. That's it right?" Ashley shook her head, "No? Who else?" This was getting stupid. No wonder Angel calls it the 'madness' with that lot and more coming. How do they all fit in this house?

"Aunt Dawn." She told me before jumping off her stool.

"She's not working?"

"No, she couldn't come yesterday so she's coming today. I fink that's what it is. Is that okay?"

"Oh yeah sure honey, thanks, you can go play.or whatever." I added to myself. I had a sudden thought and went to find Angel who was clearing the living room so that there was more space in the centre of the room. James was sat in his bouncer watching him intently.

"Angel? Do you remember whether anyone was gonna bring food this year?" He looked up at me, a bit distracted by the sofa. "Would you like some help?" He shook his head.

"No it's okay. Um, I'm not sure doesn't Willow normally bring some stuff? You always insisted you could do it all by yourself for the day after Christmas get together but."

"She brings stuff anyway." He smiled in affirmation and I returned to the kitchen. Thankful that Angel hadn't thought my inquiry was anything out of the ordinary.

I'd dressed in the nicest dress I could find and Angel watched me walk down the stairs, smiling in that way he has that made me feel like million dollars.

"You look beautiful." He said kissing me and I thanked him. "So do you sweetie." He told Ashley when she appeared behind me. I'd helped her pick out her dress and she did look adorable. He passed me James; I was getting a bit more comfortable holding him and being with Ashley for that matter. The doorbell rang and we were suddenly invaded by a lot of bodies, both large and small. Willow and Oz and their two children were first through the door.

"Hi Buffy! Hello James." Willow said as we hugged and as she started talking to James in some very silly sounding baby talk. She still looked pretty much the same. I'd decided that acting like everything was normal would be easiest; just as long as none of them brought up events I'd never been to.

"Hey Will, you all okay?" She nodded but was prevented from answering when two small people came running in and hugged me at the same time. "Hi guys!"

"Hi aunt Buffy." I tried to get a better look at them but they seemed to disappear as quickly, when they went off with Ashley down the hall. I said hello to Oz, who was thankfully still a man of few words and a second later. Xander came through the door. I kissed him and Anya hello while their son Will who was obviously dying to join the other kids, said a very quick and muffled hello and then raced off.

"Buffy, I'll just put these in the kitchen." Willow told me before she disappeared, though briefly in her case.

"Okay," I said smiling; it was strange how much effect just being around them for a few seconds had on me. "Guys, make yourselves at home."

"When do we not?" Xander joked. And they went straight into the living room where I could hear Angel offering drinks, both alcoholic and not, depending on who was driving. I didn't have too much time to think about anything else because I felt a tap on my shoulder and Dawn was stood right there when I turned around. I quickly pulled her into a hug, which she returned.

"Hey Dawnie, I missed you."

"Missed you too, you know if I'm going to get a greeting like that I think I'll come more often. Hey James, you've got so big." She cuddled him for a minute and grinned as we looked at each other.

"It would be great to see you more, we all miss you. I suppose you're working hard as usual."

"Oh yes, I love working at the firm, it is a lot of work but I love it all the same." She was a lawyer here too; she was obviously doing what she was meant to be doing.

"I'm glad, so, met any interesting people?" I asked; she knew what I was getting at.

"No I haven't met any particularly interesting guys lately but when I do I'll be sure to tell you immediately." I could hear the slight sarcasm in her voice but one look at her grin told me she was joking.

"But you would tell me right?" I found myself unable to stop asking her the things I wished I did ask her. I do wish I saw her more.

"Where is my favourite niece then?" She passed James back to me where he was placed on my hip and actually stayed in that position for most of the day; when he wasn't sleeping. I think it was because he was Angel's son, our son, that I suddenly wanted to keep him with me most of the time. Maybe it was knowing that once I left I'd never get to hold him again, I don't know. I directed Dawn down the hall to where the kids were making a lot of noise. The last to appear at the door were Olivia and Giles, who was carrying Elizabeth.

"Buffy!" Giles exclaimed, and we hugged, as much as we were able to, holding the babies. I hugged Olivia hello too, which felt completely natural as well. And I got a good look at Ellie, as she was called, much better than Buffy in my opinion but whatever. She was beautiful and I again regretted only ever seeing her picture before, in my world that is.

"Hi Ellie, wow you got so big!" Not original but there you go and Giles and Olivia didn't seem to notice anything odd about it.

"Yes, she's growing so quickly, I sometimes feel she grows out of clothes every other day!" Olivia told me and I nodded, feigning understanding.

"You look great," I told them as they came in.

"As do you, you look very well Buffy."

"Yeah, thanks, I am." Well? What was I supposed to say to that? Actually Giles I've been feeling a bit funny since I woke up yesterday in what to me is a completely different reality? I actually live by myself in LA and have my own martial arts school. I don't think so.

"And James, he looks like his father every day." I smiled and nodded, this time really agreeing. James did look just like Angel. He had the same deep brown eyes and dark hair. He was quite happy with all the attention, and then even happier when his daddy appeared.

"Someone mention me?" He said smiling and saying hello to Giles, Olivia and Ellie. They too were ushered into the living room where everyone seemed to be having a good time. Laughing at what I suspected was a bad joke of Xander's.

The day went pretty fast, and I think it was partly because I was actually having fun. I was with my friends, people so close to me that they had become family and who I'd cut out of my own life too many years ago. I missed being with them and the party was fun because I was there with them. Yes, I felt slightly out of their group but that was only from my perspective because I didn't think any one of them noticed anything strange about my behaviour. I guess all the difference was on the inside and I was very good at acting like Angel's wife and mother of two children Buffy.

And very thankfully, there weren't really any moments when I had no idea what they were talking about. If there were separate conversations going on I'd join one in the middle and have someone tell me what they were talking about. And fortunately for me there weren't too many instances were I knew nothing about what they were saying. I steered clear of a conversation Xander and Willow were having about the children's schools and then there was one awkward moment when Anya mentioned having another baby and said they might try IVF and expected me to remember that fact and why but I got past it by telling her of course I remembered, that I was just distracted and told her to carry on. She didn't really need any more encouragement. Anya never was one to turn down an offer to carry on talking about her or this case her and her family. But she seemed happy and I was glad she was. In fact they all seemed happy.

As I had done too many times before I saw the differences between their lives and mine, alone. When I usually started thinking about that I distracted myself with work and told myself that was the reason I hadn't seen them or their families for so long. I know it was selfish, I did want them to be happy, I guess that it was subconscious telling me just how much I envied them and I hated myself for it.

However, it was a bit easier to see them here. Here, I had everything, the family I always hoped I might have and I didn't need to be as jealous as I might have been. But still, there was this voice telling me this wasn't my life, I didn't belong here and the differences between our lives were still just as big as they ever were. It just seemed easier to pretend that wasn't the truth while I could hear our daughter playing with the other children and while I held our son on my hip.

After Angel and I cleaned much later, the children put to bed a while ago, I collapsed on the couch. It's surprising how a party like that can take it out of you. I really wouldn't have thought it could. Then again, those who know what I'm talking about will have thrown numerous similar events. I hadn't. For no conscious reason I find myself sobbing, not crying, just trying to. And I knew why, it was because however different or similar my friend's lives are here to what they are in 'my world' I've missed too much. Missed too much of not only what I could have had but of their lives as well. And it's highlighted how much I don't have in my life. I don't have a family like this and I don't really have my friends anymore. I left them too and I've missed out on their lives as well as my own.

I'm vaguely aware of Angel sitting down and holding me. He's rocking me back and forth and asking what's wrong. What's wrong? What a good question. But I can't tell him the truth. I shake my head.

"Sweetheart, if I don't know what it is I can't help. I love you, tell me what it is."

"I don't know." I finally tell him and I know he's confused, but it's less complicated than the truth. He continued rocking me, kissing me and however much I fought it I found myself feeling increasingly at home. I'm not sure whether it was being in Angels arms or him kissing me or telling me how much he loved me, I suspect at was all of those things, I felt more and more at home. It felt so natural, I felt like it was where I belonged and I stopped fighting it. I felt alive, more alive than I had for.well I felt happy and alive and though those annoying voices were still there, they were getting more and more distant by the minute. I was home.

BBBBBRRRRRRRRGGGGG! The sound woke me abruptly and it pissed me off. What the hell was it? In the dream I'd been having it was an amazingly loud and annoying bird but knowing that it was really the alarm didn't compel me to be any less annoyed. I felt Angel get out and make his way to the bathroom.

"Come on Buffy, you know it's your turn today." He said sweeping the covers off the bed. Now I wasn't so as annoyed at the alarm bird as I was at Angel. Grudgingly I opened one eye to see Angel standing there with his arms folded. "Come on." He said again, this time picking me off the bed and making me stand up when he put me down. I glared at him. "It's your turn." He told me again when James started crying.

"My turn for what?" He looked surprised.

"Your turn for taking Ash to school and James to day care. You forget huh?" I smiled a little and nodded.

"Sorry." He flashed me a big smile before disappearing into the bathroom. I changed James and got them both up and ready to go. Ash was very helpful directing me to day care where I dropped James off with one of the staff. It felt a bit strange to do it, to leave him there but I reasoned that I'd be picking him up later so. Then she showed me the way to her school and told me not to be late because she didn't want to be the last one picked up.

"Ashley, where do I go now?" I asked, I thought she'd know where I worked.

"To work."

"Where that?"

"The sports centre." I smiled.

"Do I teach like, martial arts?"

"Yep, self defence stuff." I smiled and told her to have a good day. When I got to 'work' it was a little strange to walk in and have no idea where I was going, all the while people greeting me like I knew them. I'd discovered a bag of my sports stuff in the car, which was lucky, and I tried to look like I knew my way around. I spotted a woman with a receptionist's name badge,

"Hi, err Maggie, um could you remind me what classes I have today?" She looked a bit put out but told me that I had two basic self defence classes this morning and two more advanced classes after lunch.

"You're in Gym two." She called after me as I walked on. A couple of girls who obviously my students greeted me in the changing room and everything else was fine once I'd found my way around the place. It was pretty big. My classes went as smoothly as they usually did and nobody said anything so I guess my teaching methods weren't much different, if at all. They all seemed to enjoy themselves and I had a blast just teaching and not having to think about running the place as well. But then, I did miss my own school a bit; it was my own after all. I had a fun day all in all. Teaching had never felt like work and it wasn't any different here, probably because I still had my slayer strength and everything.

"Hey Ashley, you have a good day?" I asked her as she got in the car. I wasn't late so she wasn't the last one to be picked up and was in a good mood.

"Yeah, we did painting and I got it all over me." I gaped in mock horror while she giggled. I'd already picked up James from day care and I'd actually missed him. When we got home Angel wasn't there so I asked Ashley when he normally got home.

"He won't be long." She told me, her eyes glued to the cartoons on TV. Before I knew it I'd told her not to sit too close and laughed to myself in a weird kind of way, I'd turned into my mother. My laughing didn't last long after that. I pushed away any thought of tears but the thoughts didn't stop coming. My mom would have loved to have grandchildren. She would so have loved Ashley and James. I watched Ashley watching the TV as I cuddled James; he giggled and my heart took him in. Mom would have totally spoiled them. Angel came in a second later and said Hi. He didn't get too much of a response from Ashley, still watching the cartoons, but he came and kissed James and then me. I must have had a strange look on my face because he immediately knew there was something up.

"What's the matter?" He asked, instantly concerned.

"It's okay, I just.I was just thinking about Mom. She would have loved having grandchildren you know." I said barely audibly but he must have heard because he enveloped me, and James in his arms and kissed the top of my head.

"I know, I know."

"I feel stupid."

"Don't, yes, your Mom would have loved the kids, but I don't believe she hasn't seen them." I smiled and sat up, feeling a little better. Just being here with Angel and the children made me feel better anyway. More complete I think.

"Did you have a good day then?" I asked Angel as we ate dinner.

"Yeah, we got a new shipment in, it's pretty interesting stuff." I smiled and suddenly thought of how I could find out exactly what he did.

"You sound like Mom, she used to get really excited about shipments. Of course I made fun of them. Some of it was pretty nasty stuff." I said grinning, hoping he'd take the bait.

"Yeah well, my gallery isn't the same as Joyce's and I know you'd never make fun of the stuff I show." He took it.

"Of course not." I said, in mock scandal.

"Especially not my paintings." He carried on.

"Certainly not, I love your work, though I could be a little biased." Okay, I knew he was an artist, and he shows some of his stuff in the gallery. I wonder if he has it exhibited anywhere else. "So, what about getting other gallery's to show your stuff?" I asked, careful to word my question right.

"You know I'd like to Buffy but you also know I don't have time to try and sort it out. The gallery is so busy and I just don't have time. I not too bothered Buffy, you know I'm happy doing what I do." I also thought that he was a little afraid of rejection; well I wasn't since the work was his and not mine.

"Where do we need to go first?" I asked Angel one Saturday on a family shopping trip to the mall.

"Well, I need a new tie, for that art exhibition evening next week." He leaned nearer me and whispered, "You know, since you know who spit up on my last good one." I grinned at him and looked down fondly at James who was in his stroller.

"And Ashley needs some new shoes, I know that." I told Angel while Ashley giggled and I pretended to look annoyed with her. Some how she'd managed to pull half of the sole off her best shoes, who knows what she'd been doing. "You like those?" I asked Ashley as I was fitting her shoes. Angel looked suitably bored in the women's department, though we were actually in the children's bit right now. We bought Ashley her shoes and made our way to get something to eat when we passed the front of another shoe store where something caught my eye. I changed direction to look in the window. They were such a great pair of shoes. They were simple black and strappy but there was something about them. I realised it was probably because they were designer that they looked a little different. I had some similar ones at home in LA but these were gorgeous. "Wow, I love those shoes." I said, I could hear Angel chuckling. "Something funny about that?"

"No, they're great shoes Buffy, come on." He said starting to walk away.

"I'm going to get them." I told him. I heard what sounded like. "Ppfftt." From Angel.

"Buffy, they're too expensive you know that. If you need some new shoes I'm sure we can find some like that, you know, ones that won't bankrupt us." He sounded amused, as if it was a joke. I didn't think it was so funny though.

"No Angel."

"Buffy, I'm sure they'd look great, I have no doubt but we can't afford them." I wasn't in such a great mood after that. I'd have been able to afford those shoes at home but no, I couldn't have them here. I suppose it didn't really matter, they were only shoes after all. After a while I was back in a better mood, we had a bit to eat at a café and James entertained us all when he started throwing food, though we told him not too. We left pretty quickly after some had hit the back of this old lady's head.

I felt a tug on my jeans and looked down from the kitchen side where I was preparing the meal to where Ashley was standing pulling gently. I smiled,

"Hey Ash, what's up?" I asked and she took my hand, leading me over to where the calendar was hanging on the other side of the room. She stretched up as far as she could and pointed to the date a week and a half away. It had the simple letter 'A' marked on it and I frowned what was that meant to mean. "Is that your birthday?" I asked her quietly and she shook her head. She pointed to Angel who was sat on the couch in the living room next door and then back at the calendar. "Angel? Anniversary?" I asked, realising and she nodded at me and confident that her little mission was done she went back to playing with her doll. It was our anniversary next week. Thank god, Ashley had told me, it would have been pretty bad if I hadn't known. I'd have to think about what to get him. But when I went back and put the roast in the oven for Sunday lunch I knew what I'd do. I smiled to myself, forming a plan.

The morning of the anniversary I woke up early. I couldn't really sleep, going over in my mind exactly what was going to happen. After a while I couldn't wait and got up to organise a special breakfast.

"Morning." Angel said sleepily coming into the kitchen.

"Happy anniversary!" I told him as he set eyes on the table, set with fruit salad, fresh croissants and other bread, some exotic fruits, coffee and orange juice and the usual cereal and toast for Ashley and James. His face went ashen and I had this sudden horrible feeling.

"You forgot?" I asked quietly, not sure if I was even allowed to get mad or feel hurt by it; I wouldn't have known if Ashley hadn't pointed it out to me. A wicked grin appeared on his features and I knew he was messing with me. "That's not funny!" I told him, playfully swatting him with the hand towel before he took me in his arms, kissing me in the way Angel has that makes me forget everything else. That was until there was a,

"Icky!" That came from Ashley who appeared at the doorway to the kitchen, she was already dressed and gave me a little knowing smile before she sat down at the table. Angel still had a mile wide smile on his face,

"Happy Anniversary." He whispered. I heard James start to cry so I started to go,

"I'll go."

"No, have a good breakfast, we won't be long." And I went to see James.

"Do you want to open you present now?" Angel asked a bit later, his face betraying his excitement.

"Well, since you can't get yours until tonight when we go out I don't know if it's fair." I told him, sipping my morning coffee.

"I'm still not sure about you organising this evening out. I should be doing that, I'm the guy."

"Angel" I chided him, "That's so sexist!" He grinned, I'm not sure whether he'd been joking or not, but I let it go.

"Anyway, since we are going out tonight, I want you to have the present now." He got out a beautifully wrapped box and I wondered how it had to do with going out. I unwrapped it to discover the shoes that I hadn't been able to get that weekend at the mall.

"Angel." I hugged him, "Thank you." I said into his ear and kissing it lightly. "So, are we bankrupt?" I asked, half joking but knowing that the shoes were very expensive.

"No, I've been saving for your present." I smiled and admired the shoes a little more. We both went into work briefly, I had one class and Angel had to make sure his employees were okay by themselves; I think it was a new guy he'd hired.

"So, where we going?" Angel asked me as I drove through Sunnydale.

"I'm not telling you, you'll figure it out soon enough." I told him, "And that cute puppy face isn't going to work either. "I hope the kids are okay."

"They'll be fine, they always have been when we've been out before. It's because it's a new sitter isn't it?" I nodded, aware that Willow had recommended her but I was still feeling a bit weird about leaving them. "They'll be fine, Willow said she's a good sitter." I knew he was right and let it go.

By the time we got to LA and I'd parked the car I finally told him we were attending an art exhibition evening at one of LA's finest gallery's.

"You're kidding, the tickets to those are so hard to get." He looked at me as if I'd worked a miracle or something, while I tried to look completely unknowing. The owner of the gallery made comments about the artists and individual pieces as we were guided around the gallery, while we sipped champagne. Angel looked to be having far the better time than I was, but that was what I'd hoped. As an artist himself he was far more interested. As we entered a different room the owner gave me an almost imperceptible nod and I smiled in anticipation, careful to make sure I'd see Angel's face when he realised.

"These next pieces are by a relatively new artist with huge potential. As you can see Liam Leighton has amazing talent and.." I didn't quite catch the rest of what he was saying because Angel had stopped dead and since my arm was in his I also stopped; a little too quickly as I almost spilt the champagne on my new shoes. I turned my head to look at Angel whose expression was a mixture of both shock and disbelief as he looked at his own work. He looked at me as the huge grin I'd been trying to suppress all evening burst onto my face. He looked from me to the paintings and repeated the gesture, making sure what he was seeing was reality. Liam Leighton was his artist name.

"You did this?" He whispered, a smile taking over from those other expressions. I nodded, not able to trust my voice to tell him right now. The smile was the last thing I saw before he took me in his arms and proceeded to care less about having a public display of affection; not that it bothered him normally but we were at a prestigious art gallery's special evening. That smile remained on his face for the rest of the evening, and then some.

"Happy anniversary darling." I told him as we carried on with the rest of the party. He squeezed my hand and still continued to look at his own work in something very close to disbelief as we saw them on exhibit. It turned out that they and Angel were very popular. During the beautifully prepared meal and after, Angel talked art with a lot of people. Some were fellow artists and other dealers and gallery coordinators. I had fun just watching Angel talk about the art that he loved and then his own work. Several people were interested in exhibiting or buying his work, and by the end of the evening, a lot of business cards had been exchanged. Angel gave me that great smile again when I handed him a small wad of his own cards that I'd brought with me just in case. It was an amazing night.

"I love you, thank you." Angel told me as we stood on the steps outside after we left.

"I'm glad you approve, there was this little bit of me that said you might be mad."

"No, I couldn't have done it myself but I'm so glad you did." For an anniversary that I didn't remember the event that had given us it, it went very well, beyond that. Before I even knew it two months had passed by. It barely even registered that this wasn't my world anymore. I loved it too much. I loved Angel, when did I not? And I loved the children, my children. It felt so right and I stopped wondering about the reason I was here. It was where I belonged, what more did I need to think about? The truth was that I didn't want to think about it at all. It was harder to accept the notion of non-permanency the longer I was here. On one of our regular trips to the park Angel had been sitting with James on a bench and Ashley and I had been playing tag. When she managed to catch me we both collapsed on the grass giggling and I hugged her. She looked at me with those big brown eyes and my hair and with an expression on her face well beyond her years she told me,

"I knew you'd come back." I smiled and hugged her again. I was 'back' and I almost felt like I'd always been here.

"I love you Ashley." Being a Mom was nothing like I thought it might be. But then I'd kind of given up on the idea after I wasn't with Angel anymore. I loved those children so much; I'd never imagined that I could love my children so much. Ashley and James showed me that being their mother was better than anything else in the world, well being with Angel was right at the top of the list as well. I had my family, it wasn't perfect but life never is and I couldn't have imagined it being better. I finally realised what being happy was and I wasn't letting it go.

Things never last I guess. I should probably stop trusting the world to allow us our happiness'. Then of course, those who do get it have to go through inevitable heartbreak and pain and everything just to have a chance at happiness. The system sure doesn't work for some people, or if it does; it's damn screwed up.

"Hey Angel, did you get any more diapers when you did the shopping today?" I asked as I carried a sleeping James to his crib. I heard Angel breathe in sharply,

"I'm sorry love, I knew there was something I forgot, I'll go to the store tomorrow." He said, popping his head round the door of the nursery.

"We kind of need them now-ish, I'll go get them. Get some air before bed."

"Still a night person." He stated smiling.

"Always I think. See you in a bit." I drove to the nearest store and bought the exorbitantly priced diapers. When I got back outside I tightened my coat around me, as the air seemed to get colder with every passing minute.

"Well look at you, got all domestic huh Buffy?" I froze, though this time not because of the weather. I knew that voice and even though I knew it was pretty pointless I prayed that it wasn't who I knew it was. My worst suspicions were confirmed when I turned and saw her. Even the possibility of her presence was enough to make me feel both sick and desperately sad at the same time. I knew why she was here but I so didn't want it to be true.

"Hope. I can't go back, I can't do it. You can't do this to me."

"You figured some stuff out huh?"

"You can't do this, you can't keep coming into peoples lives and messing them up like this, it's not right."

"A glimpse by definition is an impermanent thing Buffy, an brief, incomplete view. You've had your time, you've figured things out and now it's time."

"No." I walked past her back to the van and drove home. It was snowing again, like it had that night and I couldn't believe it. I put the newly bought diapers in the cupboard in the nursery and gazed at James, my beautiful baby. I couldn't bear to leave, it felt like my heart was being ripped out and being placed through a shredding machine, over and over again.

"Bye Ashley, my baby, I love you." She stirred slightly as I sat on her bed.

"Is it morning yet?" She asked though practically asleep.

"No baby, go back to sleep." She smiled,

"See you soon mommy." She mumbled before she went back to dream land. I wished that she were right. I wanted to stay here forever but I knew that I couldn't. I got up and walked from her room. When I got to our bedroom, he was reading.

"Hey, everything okay?" I nodded and sat by him.

"I love you."

"I love you."

"Angel, I need you to remember me like this forever. Like I am now, because if you don't, it's like this never happened and I don't think I could live with that." He nodded though I don't think he really understood what I was going on about. "Promise me?" I think he just thought I was tired but I didn't expect him to understand. I didn't really.

"I promise Buffy, are you okay?"

"Yes, I'm okay." I smile and lean in for a quick kiss, a last kiss. "Promise me again?"

"I promise you Buffy." I smile at him and give him a hug.

"Come to bed?" He asked as I paused at the door to our bedroom.

"Not long." I tell him and he went back to his book. I stare at the TV for hours, and I know I'm going to fall asleep, I'm just trying to hold on to this when I know I can't. It would be too hard to go to sleep with him in the same bed and then wake up.alone. The endless cups of coffee don't seem to be helping. At least this way I'll know I held on for as long as I could, I'd have that.

The phone woke me; it was Jules, saying something about my class today, too many people had said that they couldn't make it so she cancelled it. She thought I'd be mad but I wasn't. For a while I wondered why she was calling me so early but apparently she'd tried the night before but hadn't had any answer. It was only when I put the phone down that it hit me. What had really happened and it felt like my heart fell about a hundred feet. I didn't have that anymore, I didn't have Angel or Ash or James or anything really.

Wait, what was Jules going on about? My classes for Christmas Eve, that was months ago. And realisation dawned on me; they just put me back where I left. Nothing had changed for anyone else, but everything had changed for me and things are going to be very different.

I fell over myself getting dressed, this time taking care over what I wore and I was just putting on my coat when there was a knock at the door. I hoped beyond hope that it was Angel but when I saw Michael I realised how stupid that was. Why would he be here? But then, what was Michael doing here? I saw the familiar depositing of his gifts on the table and his advance on me but I stopped him.

"I thought we all ready did this?" I ask him though a second later I realise he hadn't been back here this Christmas, to him at least.

"Did what?" He asked, looking a little dejected.

"Ended it." I regretted saying it so harshly but that's how it came out, I was too impatient to get out of the door. I told him I was sorry and to keep his gifts, and like before he didn't seem too surprised or hurt. It had never been serious.

The drive into LA seemed to take forever. I actually had this over whelming urge to go to Sunnydale, to our house. But I knew it was stupid, it wasn't there, so I was going to see if I could find someone who was here. Angel. I rang Jules on the way to tell her I couldn't come in and to ask that since I didn't have any other classes could she close up the centre. I said I had something to do and told her to have a great Christmas. She seemed a little surprised; I'd never been very Christmassy before. I guess I was regaining some magical Christmas hope.

Thankfully the library was open, and I decided that was the best place since their computer network had access to things I couldn't get on from a remote server. I began searching for anything that I thought could lead me to him. His address, anything that might be helpful, unfortunately there was no records that linked him to his previous residence, the Hyperion Hotel so then I began thinking that maybe he was using another name now that he was human. I vaguely remember Willow telling me he was an artist and that he wasn't going by Angel anymore, at least as far as his work was concerned. Well maybe he was using Liam Leighton as well, since it had been his name originally. I realise I've heard of him, I guess I just never thought about it enough to link them, to realise that he was Angel. I'm too good at blocking everything out I guess. He's so going to think I'm crazy. What am I going to say? I don't think I'll think about it and see what happens, I'll only make myself very nervous if I try to prepare what to say to him.

I just knew I needed to talk to him. You know I think I really messed up somewhere, who was I kidding? I wasn't happy, not like I'd imagined I could be before, not like I'd wanted to be with Angel. Not like I was there. That was what I wanted, wanted more than anything.

Yes, I'm successful, I have my own business and I'm proud of it I guess, but what is success when you have no one to share it with? What I do know though is that I cannot go on like I have been doing. Even if he won't listen to me or if he doesn't want to or can't try again with me, and I wouldn't really blame him after what I did, I know I have to change my life. Even if Angel weren't in it, though I don't want to think about that either, or maybe I should, maybe it would make rejection easier to take, though I doubt it. Anyway, I needed to find him first.

And then there he was, his address and personal gallery and other places his work was exhibited. The number of people I almost knocked over on the way out of the library, I'll be lucky if I don't get sued, but then I have a lawyer for a sister. I suddenly feel very guilty about Dawn and not trying to see her more and be in her life more, but I decided that everything was going to change and it will. I just needed to talk to Angel first.

It's a nice building. I park up and don't have any trouble getting in because the door's open, there's removal men with boxes and I suddenly know that it's Angel who's going. When I get to his apartment I was greeted abruptly by a small man in a black suit, he was on the phone.

"What do you want? Are you from the.?" He takes a closer look at me and something flickers across his face. Recognition? Well I don't know, I'd never met him before.

"Hi, I'm looking for Liam, I'm.." Instead of letting me continue or continuing himself he turned to another guy taping a box up.

"Hey Danny, there's some girl here to see Liam." The way he said 'some girl' told me again that he knew who I was. Danny then rounded a corner and told him,

"Hey Liam, there's some girl here to see you." And he came into my view. Still as gorgeous as ever, aging was being kind to him.

"Buffy."

"An.Liam." He smiled at me, though in a vague distracted kind of way. "Can you be careful with that?" He asked two large removal men as they attempted to move a big box. And then he turned back to me. "Buffy, what are you doing here?"

"Um, I, what's going on anyway?" I asked, gesturing towards another pile of boxes.

"I'm moving, to Paris." He announced smiling; I forced a smile to conceal my shock.

"Paris? Paris, France?"

"One and the same, I think Europe will inspire me and my publicist thinks it's a good idea, but then he loves the money." He paused, his smile fading, "I don't mean to be rude or anything Buffy, but why are you here?" Okay, direct and to the point. I could handle that.

"I thought that maybe.would you like to get a cup of coffee?" I stopped not sure whether I could actually do what I came to do. He was moving to Paris, wasn't that a huge sign that I was too late? But then, I'd come this far and I couldn't give it up unless there was no chance anymore. I walked a little nearer him. "Do you ever think about us Angel, sorry Liam?"

"You can still call me Angel, Liam is just for the work really. I'm not sure whether the world was ready for a guy called Angel."

"Oh I don't know I never thought it was weird." Okay, banter was good, but he'd totally side stepped my question. "Angel?" He knew that I was asking the question again. He looked slightly conflicted before replying,

"If you're ever in Paris, give me a call and we'll go out for that coffee." Well it wasn't the answer I'd been looking for but what did I expect him to do? Let me fall into his arms and tell me how much he still loved me. Well it wasn't likely after what I'd done. And how likely was it that I would ever be in Paris? He knew it wasn't very probable.

"I got you on the 7 o'clock flight." I vaguely heard someone say and I decided I'd better go before I made a fool of myself.

"I hope you like living in Paris." I tell him before slowly making my way out. I actually felt a tear roll down my cheek. I hadn't cried in so long, well it was a start, though it wasn't exactly the one I'd hoped for. But he seems happy so that's good.

At home I let the tears come freely as I went through some old pictures and things. A movie ticket stub, the book of poetry he gave me for my eighteenth birthday, I remember what he said.

"Why'd you seem more excited last year when you got a severed arm in a box?"

He said he loved me from the first moment he saw me. I was just hoping.. I love those poems. I used to read them all the time when we were apart. I've missed them since I locked him away in the back of my mind. When I next look at the clock I realise how late it is. And all I can think about is getting to that airport before it really is too late. When I finally made it to the airport, I parked very badly and I ran, looking for the flight to Paris. They were already boarding when I got there.

"Angel! Don't go; don't get on that plane." I shouted across to him in the boarding queue, he looked around in surprise. "There'll be another flight tonight, just, a cup of coffee that's all I'm asking." He reluctantly moved out of the queue and walked towards me. Looking slightly puzzled.

"Buffy, what are you doing here? Do you need closure? 'Cause if you do.I'm okay, I'm fine. I wasn't for a long time, I was heartbroken but I'm moved past it somehow. You should have that too. You can have that." He turned around and headed straight for the front of the queue. For a split second I turned away, almost defeated but I knew if I was going to do something, it had to be now.

"I did, I did have it Angel, I didn't think about it, but then. I had a glimpse." Shouting again over a load of people to him. He looked at me quizzically for a minute and I heard him sigh; the kind that comes from very deep inside. When he looked back up at me I could see into his eyes again. He was going to go, and I couldn't let him, I knew we could still have something if only.. "We have a house in Sunnydale," I said loudly, he stopped walking and turned around, his eyes questioning. "We have two beautiful kids, Ashley and James. Ash is five, she has your eyes, she's full of mischief and she's so clever, though only when it suits her. And when she smiles." I continued just as loud since he wasn't moving. Now I seemed to have his full attention, and most of that of the terminal but I didn't care. "And then there's James, he's only fourteen months but we know he's just as smart, he's always listening and watching us. They're our two angels and watching them learn more everyday is like witnessing a miracle." Angel was now a little nearer me; he seemed transfixed. He didn't say anything so I continued. "You run a gallery, you didn't even have you own work anywhere else until I submitted it for you. You were happy I had but you didn't need to do it, I think you were happy with the gallery and with us. I teach martial arts, and I was happy. And we have our house, after a load more payments it'll be one hundred percent ours." He was still getting a little nearer and I started walking towards him as well. "And we're in love, after eight years of marriage we're still as in love as we ever were. It isn't the perfect life, we have money issues and other stuff like everyone, but it's our life and we're happy." We were now stood right in front of each other and he silently told me to go on. "I don't know, maybe I did dream it all, maybe I just went to sleep one lonely night in December and imagined it all but.I swear to you.nothing's ever felt more real. And if you get on that plane I know it'll disappear forever. I know we could both go on with our lives and.you'd be fine anyway, but I've seen how great we can be together and. I choose us." I paused to try to stop myself from crying, "Please Angel, just one cup of coffee, you can always go to Paris, just, please, not tonight." It seemed like he was thinking, "Just a cup of coffee, that's all I'm asking for, one cup of coffee." He smiled at me and nodded, moving out of other people's way.

"Okay," He told me and I was happy with that.

"Okay." If I'd been able to tear my eyes away from Angel I would have realised: it was snowing again.

END.