Spoilers : Movie & up through "I Will Remember You"...'tis sort of a sequel to "Tour of the Wreckage" b/c in my mental universe, Buffy knows everything that happened in "I Will Remember You"...and Doyle's alive. *snifflesob*. I can't believe They killed him.
Disclaimer: "Buffy" belongs to Joss Whedon. "Old Before I Die" belongs to Robbie Williams - a kick@$$ CD, by the way...go buy it, I command you :P.Notes: Hum de dum...general angst. This is for Moonpie and Raisin - and, as always, the 'holics {{{{{{{{}}}}}}} and the Spectrum kids.

I think I'm starting to be okay about it, though, to get over it.

We've agreed to forget, so I might as well try.

I'll never forget about him completely, I know that much. I don't think anyone ever forgets about the first person they fall in love with. Or, considering my life expectancy, probably my only.

Or not.

I mean, there were guys back in LA that I thought I was in love with, right? I wasn't, that's for sure...it wasn't painful enough, and if I've learned something here it's that love equals pain.

What about Pike, though? What the hell was that? I really cared about him. I don't know if I still do, it's been so long since I saw him. And, like Angel, my friends hated him. Like Angel, I'd never really noticed him before we fell in...whatever. Pike was, to ditzy-cheerleader-me, your average druggie-bum that everybody knows, if just vaguely. Except he was *my* druggie bum.

And now, now there's Riley. Riley, who I thought was maybe, just *maybe* a normal guy, a guy I could fall in love with.

But that just got shot to hell, didn't it. He ends up being some demon-fighting freak like myself. That's so my luck.

On the other hand, though, if there's only one person that somebody's "meant for", or whatever, I know it's Angel, it has to be.

That's why I think I have to do this.

Willow didn't know how badly she cursed me when she found me that spell.

One that could make Angel human again.

But not just human. I don't know how she knew. I didn't tell her.

That part of my past is done. Erased. And never coming back.

Unless this works. But wouldn't that just bring more pain, in the end? I know that the pain that already exists between us would make a real relationship hard - or at least the rational part of my mind thinks so.

I wonder, though. The last time he became human, everything, every worry, every problem just disappeared. I know it couldn't have stayed like that - probably part of it was just that it had been so long, that every dream we'd had over the past six months had exploded at the first chance. But the other part was the need that was always there, no matter how often we saw each other. The electricity.

I close my eyes, and I can feel his lips on mine. I can imagine what it would feel like to have him human, have him always with me.

To die loved. To maybe die old, because I he could help me. If he kept his strength, then we could be a team again.

That would be wonderful. Even if he didn't always go with me. He didn't before, either, and it was okay, because he'd *know* if I got hurt, just like I always did with him. Just knowing he was there if I needed help was a comfort.

God, I hate this! I should just go through with it, just do it. He's made enough decisions without me, I should be able to do this now!

But I don't know...I'd guess, judging by everything that happened, with the Mohra demon and all, that he'd want to. But I just don't know and it's killing me.

Because what if he says no? What if he doesn't want to be with me if the price is his immortality?

I hate not knowing what he's thinking anymore. Before the prom and everything, I felt like a part of him, like I knew what was in his heart, and now I don't.

I stand up and shove my chair back against the desk. I'm not gonna play this game anymore. This is stupid.

It's not fair! He *never* asked me what I want, what I think. Why the hell should I?

Grabbing the bag I always keep in my closet just in case, I race outside and towards Mom's house.

"Mom -
I borrowed the car. Went to LA - urgent. Back soon.
Love,
Buffy"

I shove the key into the ignition - Mom really shouldn't leave a spare around.

The radio plays.

"I hope I'm old / Before I die / I hope I live to relive / The days gone by / I hope I'm old before I die / But tonight I'm gonna / Live for today / So come along for the ride / I hope I'm old / Before I die..."

I just don't care anymore.

If fate won't let me have a little happiness before I die, then I'll make it for myself.

Screw Fate.

Screw life, screw responsibility.

I *need* this.

Fuck everything.