Untitled

by Courtney

RATING: PG
FEEDBACK: If you really want to.
SPOILERS: I don't think so.
DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" characters. I am borrowing them, without permission, and I mean no harm to them. They all belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, Fox, and Warner Brothers.

There has only been one time in my life that I have fallen completely in love and to this day that same person still has my heart. Even though he left me saying it was for the best because he could not give me everything I deserved, I still love him. He told me to move on and to try to have a normal life but I can never have a normal life, why couldn't he see that. I have never been normal and no other guy would except my destiny, they just would not understand. The only thing I ever wanted was his unconditional love and he walked away from me.

In my friend's eyes it looks like I have moved on and have forgotten about him but I haven't, I could never forget the times we shared together or the feelings that we have for each other. I carried on like nothing was wrong even though a part of me was missing. Every one of my friends told me to move on and they even pushed me into having relationships. It was not their fault that they never worked out, my heart was just not into it. All I could think of was my one true love and if he was all right. I have gotten use to putting up that imaginary wall and pretending like everything is all right and the only person that would be able to tell that I am faking it is not here.

I have tried to date other people and to get involved in a serious relationship but everything reminds me of something that we did together or of something we should be experiencing. I never wanted anything more then his love and now he is not even here to give me friendship.

I still have not figured out what I am going to do but I do know that I am not giving up on him or our love. He will see that us being apart is not right. Even though it has been almost a year since the last time I saw him, I will never forget the gift he gave me. I never fully understood how I became pregnant but I knew that it was his child that I carried inside of me. Just knowing that made me want to survive and live for our child.

I never told him about our daughter, I did not want him to have the chance to break her heart like he did to mine. The doctor assumed that our daughter was conceived on November 26. I know that I went to LA that day to figure out why he did not tell me that he was in Sunnydale. I have always had a weird feeling that something more happened that day then just us arguing but I could not remember anything. A couple of months after I got back from Sunnydale, I found out that I was pregnant. Even though I did not know how or why I knew that it was meant to be. Everybody was really curious about who the father was and since I would not tell them what they wanted to hear they finally gave up and just accepted what was happening. How could I tell them that I don't know how he could be the father, they would think I was certifiably insane. With their help my pregnancy turned out to not be a difficult one and it seem to just fly by.

On August 5 my daughter Oriana was born, she had black hair and the most sparkling baby blue eyes; I fell in love with her from the first time I laid eyes on her but what parent wouldn't with their own child. I have always felt bad that he is not in our life but it was his choice to leave and I am not going to make him come back to me just because we have a child together. I want him to come back on his own free will. Every day Oriana experiences something new and every moment is something he misses out on seeing. I can change the past and I can not predict the future but I do hope that I will find out what went on that day and why I don't remember.

I started to have the dreams when Oriana was a few months old. They were very unclear and I did not understand them at all. At first they were just short quick flashes of things that could not have possibly happened. But over time and putting the pieces together everything started to make sense. When they first started the messages were feelings or noises, the memory that they coincided with was just a scrambled picture.

The first dream consisted of the sound of a heart beating in the background and then the laughter of the man I love. After having the same dream over and over a new one would start to reveal itself as if on cue. Just as I thought I figured out what was going on or if my mind was playing tricks on me something would happen that would change my mind completely. The next dream that comes to my mind is dealing with the ice cream that my love said was cold and messy. I could not understand why he thought ice cream was cold considering that he is cold himself, but the sound of a heart beating did not make sense either. But when I heard what sound like a table breaking in half, everything started to make more sense, something did happen that day something amazing. Now if I could only be blessed with finding out what.

Then it happened I remember saying that "I will never forget", it didn't click right away but after remembering that, everything else just came flooding back. I remember how my love was turned human and how we made love and created our daughter Ori. But then it happened I also remember how he sacrificed our happiness to save the world and me. He gave up everything so he could fight against the evil forces at hand but how could he just make me forget one of the happiest days in my life. It's not fair how he made all the choices and how he thinks he is doing the right thing for me. For once in his undead life he could have let me make my own decisions. I can't believe he would give up the one thing that he always wanted me to have and he even could have given it to me just because he thought something bad was going to happen. I could have handled it, everything would have been fine and we would have been together with our daughter.

I was so sure of what was going to happen but now I have no clue, all I have are second guess and wishes that will never be coming true.

Even though I remembered what happened it did not change anything, I still was not going to involve him in Ori's or my life. I did not even want to tell him I knew and I was not planning on telling him until he showed up on my doorstep.

It had been a year and 3 months since I had saw him last and he still looked good. It was just like old times except when Ori decided to make her presence known by screaming at the top of her lungs. I left him standing at the doorstep when I went to get Ori, it really did not cross my mind that he need to invited in. After I picked up Ori I went back to the door where the love of my life stood. I apologized for not letting him in but when Ori calls one must see to her needs immediately. I think he was shocked to see me with a 7-month-old baby girl.

After we became comfortable in the living room, I had a feeling that he wanted to know the story behind my daughter but figured that it was none of his business to ask. To make him more at ease and just to get the conversation rolling, I explained that Oriana was my daughter and that she was 7 months old. I told him that her father was not involved in our lives and that he did not know that Ori even existed. I did not want to go into too much detail, so I changed the subject on to him and what he had been doing this last year. I was amazed when he told me about all the people he helped and how much good he had done in LA. I sort of understand why he had to go there now but I still don't see why he had to give up on us. While we were talking Oriana fell asleep and I excused my self so I could go and put her down in her crib. When I got up stairs I put Ori down in her crib and started to babble to her about who that man was and what he meant to me. What I did not realize is that I had been up there longer then I thought so when Angel went looking for me and found me talking to Ori about things I did not want him to hear, he kept quiet and just listened to the conversation I was having with my daughter. When I finally sensed that he was there it was too late, if he thought about what I had said and how old Ori was he would surely figure out that she was his child. Which scared me more than him finding out that I know about what happened that day.

It's not that I don't want him in her life and I do want her to know her father it's just I don't want him to be mad at me for not telling him about her. I can only hope that he will not put two and two together and figure out the obvious.

After I left the nursery and found him standing outside the door, I motioned for him to follow me downstairs where we would not wake my daughter. I thought I was in the clear when he did not ask any questions about what was taking so long but when he asked if what I was saying when I was talking to my daughter was true, I totally freaked out. What was I going to do or say, I could say that it is none of his business but that would not be the entire truth, I could just plead the fifth but that would probably make him more suspicious than he all ready was. I decided to play dumb and see if I could get away with it. Instead of just referring to what he was asking about, I asked him to clarify what he meant.

When he told me that he overheard me telling Oriana that he was my first true love and the only guy that I wanted in my life I thought everything was fine because he still really had no clue about being her father. But when he also said he overheard me saying that I wanted him to be Oriana's father, I was shocked so much that I must have fainted because the next thing I remembered was him hovering over me and asking if I was all right. I did not know what to do, I can't believe that I let him over hear my saying that. They only thing I could think of doing or saying was that I thought it would be better if we continued this conversation when I was feeling better. I could tell that he did not want to go but he did because I asked him to.

After he left I paced the floor trying to think of what I was going to do and what I was going to tell him. I was so confused about what was happening I did not even realize that I had picked up the phone and was calling Cordelia the one person that would somewhat understand what I was going through. When she answered the phone, I explained to her what was happening and how I did not know what I wanted to do. She told me to relax and to calm down and everything would turn out fine in the end. She would not tell me what to do because she knew that I need to make the decision on my own but she did tell me to follow my heart.

Talking to her about what was going on helped but I still did not have a decision on what to do. I could not decide whether to telling Angel that he is Ori's father or to just tell him that I said that. She deserved to have father and I know that he would love her no matter what but I did not want him to feel obligated to be apart of our lives. Maybe he would just drop this subject and go back to LA and forget about every thing.

When nightfall came I knew that he would come over looking for and explanation and I did not even have one to give him. When he arrived, I lead him into the living room where he surprised me by asking if he could hold Ori. When he picked Ori up he just looked at me like well is there something you want to tell me. I know he knew but he wanted me to tell him and to explain to him my decisions. When I did not start saying what he wanted to hear he just started asking questions that I was not prepared for. He asked when she was conceived and why I never told him that he had a daughter.

The first question I could handle answering but the last question he proposed to me, I knew that if I answered that one then there would more questions that I was not prepared to answer. By the time I was done rationalizing what I was going to say in my head I had tears in my eyes. I explained to him that the doctors believed that she was conceived on November 26 and that I did not know that I was pregnant until way after I got back from LA. I also explained that I had no clue how or when I became pregnant, but I knew that it could not be Parker's because the timing was off. At first I thought it was a gift from "the powers that be" because they wanted me to have something that I never should have had. But as time went by and after Oriana was born I remembered that day that we spent together and how we made passionate love and how we made this child together and how you gave it all up. I remember feeling loved, cherished, happy, like I did not have a care in the world and I remember loving you.

I explained that I just put everything together very recently. When I looked up from the floor to stare in his eyes I knew that he did not like the excuses that I was giving him but he had no choice but to accept and deal with them. After I finished explaining all this it was my turn to ask the questions, I wanted to know why he gave it up he should have had faith in me and why he did not tell me about everything and why he did not come to me sooner.

He tried to turn the conversation back towards me when I asked those questions but I was having none of that. If I had to answer his questions than he better well answer mine with out giving me a hard time. He went on to explain his reasoning behind his choices after he realized that I was not letting him off that easily. I could not believe that he was telling me that he made those choices for my own good so I could have a better life. He tried to explain that he had no choice about giving up his humanity to save the world and my life. I lashed back at him and told him that he could have had a little faith in me to carry out my responsibility. He said the reason that he had not come to me sooner or told me about that day is because he did not want me to have to live with knowing how special that day was for the both of us. He said if he would have known that I was pregnant he would have been there for his daughter and me, not matter what the consequences were.

All the things he was saying did not change the fact that he walked away from me and that he really did not want to be with me, all he wanted was to be apart of his daughter's life. I could understand that and I would not stop him from being apart of her life but as for coming back into my life I just didn't see that happening right away. I did not want to rush into anything and risk getting hurt again, I don't think I could take it. Even though we talked about a lot of things and came clean about the secrets that we both were keeping there was still a lot of things that need to be worked out.

One of the major issues that we had to discuss is where he would be living and what he expected from me. He explained to me that he would like it if we all moved to LA for he could take a more active part in Oriana's life. He went on to say that since the Hellmouth was closed there was really no reason keeping me in Sunnydale besides my family and friends. I could see his reasoning but I was still skeptical to leave and follow him there in case none of this worked out. Even if we did go to LA and live I still would have friends there and since she knows what's going on I guess it would not be too bad. If we did move to LA it would be better for Ori because she would be near her father and she would get to have him in her life. He told me that he did not expect anything from me. He said that if I wanted him to be apart of my life then he would be but if I just wanted to remain friends that would be all right too but he wanted me to know that he did love me. I was relieved that ! he did not expect me to make a decision on what I wanted right then and there but he was always good about giving me space.

Over the next few weeks we talked and got to know each other all over again and we spent time with our daughter. I realized that not much has changed, we were still the same people, with the same feelings, the only difference is our daughter. We now share a bond that is unbreakable, she is the reason we both fight in this world, she is our strength and our destiny. We even spent time with the Scooby gang, everything seemed to be just like it was before he left except we have a new addition to the gang. Before we moved to LA, the gang threw us a going away party. It was really sweet of them. Giles had a camera and was snapping pictures left and right, he said he wanted to have a lot of pictures to remember us by when we were gone. Giles asked if he could take a picture of the three of us standing together. I did not think it was a big deal, Angel was holding Ori but when Angel would not smile for the picture, I knew something was wrong. I figured he was feeling uncomfortable posing as a family since we were not a family. I wanted Giles to have the picture that he wanted and the only way I knew how to do that was to kiss Angel. He was totally shocked at first by the kiss but after a second he responded back, like when we were dating. What I did not realize is that Giles decided right then was the perfect time to take the picture. We were so wrapped up in the kiss we forgot about everyone else in the room until Xander yelled at us to get a room. It was just like old times.

After we broke the kiss, we got to listen to Xander rant and rave about us making out in public and then he did his whole lecture about us not even being together. We just looked at each other for the longest time until Ori started to cry. I took her from Angel's arms and went to change her in Giles's bedroom. Cordelia and Willow decided to follow me in there and give me the third degree about kissing Angel on the spur of the moment. They both wanted to know what made me kiss him. I did not even have a reason for them it just seemed right at the time. They asked me if I wanted to get back together with him. I told them I did not know what I wanted but I did know that I still love him.

When we went back to the party Angel just looked at me with this confused look on his face. I think he was as confused as I was but he looked happy about the kiss. He smiled at me and then gave this funny look to Cordelia. I think she knew what he wanted since she took Ori from me and pushed me towards Angel and told me to dance with him. He took me in his arms just as a slow song started to play. We did not even need to talk while we danced everything that need to be said was done by the looks in our eyes and the way our bodies moved together. Just as the song was about to end Cordelia brought Ori to us for we could dance as a family. As the three of us danced together Ori decided to say her first words, it was a combination of mommy and daddy together. She has been hinting for the last couple of weeks that she was ready to say them but she never did I guess she was just waiting for a special moment like this one.

The party ended shortly after the whole situation, the hardest thing was saying goodbye to the people that have been there for me in the last year. I know that I am not going to be gone forever or that they can't come visit it just they have been there everyday of my life and now they won't. I am glad that I am moving to LA because it will give us a chance to start fresh and we also won't have everyone trying to interfere all the time.

The trip to LA was made in complete silence, we both were thinking about what was happening between us. I know he wanted us to be a regular family and he wanted us to get married and to raise Ori together. I did not have any problem raising our daughter together but as for us getting married I thought it was a little too soon for us to just jump into that decision. I did want to spend time with him and to get to know him and the person he has become, but I also wanted to fall head over heals in love with him again.

When we arrived in LA, we spent the next couple of days settling in, we really did not have time to talk to each other to sort our feelings and thoughts towards what happened in Sunnydale. When we finally did settle down, Cordelia planned to come over and baby-sit Ori while we went out to dinner, she thought that maybe we could get some issues resolved if there were no interruptions. Dinner went smoothly enough, we spent most of the time talking about our daughter, and the conversation did not stop on us until we got ready to leave the restaurant. That's when we decided to take a walk in the park, it was a peace full night, not much was going on in the area that we were in. We walked for awhile until we reached the swings then we both sat down and waited for the other one to talk about what they were feeling.

When neither of us started Angel took it upon himself to just go ahead and tell me what he was feeling. He said that he was very shocked when I kissed him, but he was glad that I did because it showed him that we still had a chance to be together. He also mentioned that he had wanted to kiss me for awhile. He told me that he knows that I am not ready to go into a commitment right now but he wants to start to date like we use to. All the time that he was talking I just sat there and listened carefully to what he had to say. When he was done I took a few minutes to think about how I wanted to word what I was feeling, I did not want to babble just to get my point across. When I was sure that I was ready to tell him what I wanted from him and us, I started to say that I did not know what possessed me to kiss him but I too was glad that I did it. Then I went to tell him that I also wanted to see if we could have a relationship for us not for our daughter. I knew that even if we could not be together romantically that we would always be there for her but I wanted him to be there just for me. I also explained to him that he was right I was not ready for a commitment but maybe some day I would be and that he would just have to be patient with me. After we both were done speaking he did something that I did not think he would do but I was glad that he did it, he leaned over and gave me the sweetest kiss that I ever thought was possible. The kiss did not last very long but it seemed like it lasted for days in my mind. When we got back home, Ori was sound asleep in her crib and Cordelia was looking like she was going to fall asleep from boredom.

Over the next few weeks, we went out on several dates by ourselves but also some with our daughter. We had become the happy little family and the time we shared together is something I would always cherish. We solemnly did things with out each other, when he worked I helped out and Cordelia watched Ori for us, when something came up that regard Ori we both went, and when it came to my family he was involved as much as they would let him be.

With all the time that we were spending together I found it harder and harder every day to even imagine my life without him in it. We started getting more and more serious as time went by as everyone expected but what they did not expect is for me to pull away every time we started to get to the point of no return. I could not explain what was happening to anyone, I thought I was ready to have my life with him but my heart was not ready to get hurt again. I wanted him in my life more than anything but I was not willing to get my heart broken again. I had fallen in love with him all over again and I was so scared that he was going to walk away again and break not only my heart but also our daughter's. I tried to rationalize that he would not do that because he said that he wouldn't but he also said that one time before. I knew he sensed my apprehension and he was willing to give me as much time as I needed but I also knew how much he wanted us to be together. I thought everything would be better if we just committed to each other but the feelings that I was having did not go away and he noticed this. Instead of pushing me into something I was not ready for he backed off and let me just sort out all the mixed emotions I was having.

We decided that it probably be better if I went away for a couple days and tried to sort out everything, he said that I should do it because I would have time alone and no one would be constantly asking what I was going to do. Going away was a huge deal because it would be the very first time I was away from Ori since she was born but I completely agreed that I need to get away. I decided to just go to a little bed and breakfast place that was not too far from home in case something happened. What started out as a couple of days away from everything to sort out what was going on with me turned out to be the most extraordinary weekend. It did not take very long for me to realize that I did want Angel in my life and that I could not live with out him or his love and no matter the consequences were I was willing to risk everything. I knew what I wanted and I wanted him and the only way to prove that was to show him in the only way I knew how. The first thing I did was call Cordelia and told her that I need her to get Angel to come up to where I was staying with out giving him too much information, then I told her that I needed her to watch Ori for the weekend. The next part of my plan all depended on Angel and if he would come. When he arrived I had the front desk show him to my suite, they even let him into the room. When he entered the room he saw the romantic setting that I had arranged. He did not even have to ask what my decision was, he all ready knew by the look in my eyes. That day was the first time in all most two years that we said I love you to each other and it would not be the last time either.

The rest of the weekend was perfect we spent the rest of the time with each other and having no worries about anything. We both did miss Ori tremendously but we were glad that we got some alone time. When we finally made it home we found our house still standing which we were grateful for. Cordelia was not at all surprised to see that we had gotten back together and that Angel wanted to talk to her about something very important. I did not even give it a second thought that Angel wanted to talk to Cordelia, I just wanted to see my daughter.

It felt like everything was different but the only thing that was different was that we were together as a family and that we loved each and that nothing was going to stop us from being together. Angel told me about what my mother did to get him to leave me the first time and he promised that nothing was going to keep him away from our daughter or me ever again, I knew that he would keep that promise just by looking into his eyes. I knew that he would never hurt our daughter or me, unless it could not be helped. Life to me could not get any more perfect but then I did not expect him to propose to me so soon after just getting back together. But I should have known better to put anything past him, he always knows what he wants and he just goes right at it not matter what the consequences are.

We went out to dinner like we did every week, he waited until after dinner and when we were taking a walk in the park and he got down on one knee in front of me and asked me if I would do him the honor of becoming his wife. I could not speak, I was not shocked but I was just so happy that there were no words that could express the way I was feeling. Instead of making him feel like a complete moron, I jumped into his arms and just kept on saying yes over and over again. I repeated the word so many times that he finally had to shut me up by kissing me, I just could not believe it. I have been waiting for that day ever since I fell in love with him so many years ago. We spent the rest of the evening just holding each other and talking about our up and coming wedding. We had so much to plan and we both wanted to get married as soon as possible so that meant that we had very little time to make the arrangements and knowing our family and friends they would want some big extravagant! wedding when we were looking for something simple.

When we did finally make it home, Cordelia was waiting for us and before I could even tell her the big news she just grabbed me and hugged me and congratulated us. I gave Angel a funny look like what did you do and why was Cordelia involved. He told me later that he asked her to help pick out my engagement ring and that she was threatened to keep it a secret. He figured that she would not be able to stop from telling me but she surprised him by keeping the secret and letting him do it his way. I was not mad that he involved her or that he did not plan it on his own because I knew that the proposal came from the bottom of his heart.

We decided to tell everyone that we were getting married all at one time, so we could deal with any backlash together. Most everyone was extremely happy for us and they were also glad that we were making a permanent home for Ori but there were a few that did not like us being together any more then they liked me moving to LA. These people were more or less not even a big factor in my life any more but we were family so I did let them in my life. They never thought that things would go this far, if they did I know that they would have tried to stop us from getting this close. But they could not stop us now, I knew what they had down in the past and I knew how they were and they sure as hell were not going to interfere in our life now. We could not make them accept our decision or the life we wanted to lead but it was their choice and if they did not want to be apart of it, it was their loss.

We started making plans once everyone was aware of what was happening. Before we knew it most of the plans for the wedding were done and there were just a few things that were left to be done. I could not believe it that I was getting married to my one true love, to the father of my child after everything we had been through it was a complete miracle. I had a feeling that from that point forward our life would only get better with time and that nothing could go wrong for us.

Our wedding day came up faster than both of us thought it would, we were so happy that it was here but we were both scared out of our minds. We did not know if something was going to happen, we hoped that it would go off with out a hitch. We were surprised that the few people that had a problem with us getting married and being together showed up and did not even cause a scene when the priest asked if any one objected to us getting married or when we exchanged our vows. I did not want that day to end, it seem to fly by and all we wanted to do was to stop time and just relax in the pure moment of being together and knowing that we would always be together. Not only did we exchange vows in front of everyone but we also made some promises to Ori and to each other that were private. We promised Ori that we would always be there for her and that we would try to be good parents and that we would accept her for who she was. We promised each other that we would be honest with each other and that we would never keep secrets and that we would never let any one come between us ever again.

Life for us could not get any more perfect, at one point in time I would not have even dreamed that we would have been together. I only could have wished that Angel was apart of our lives and now to have that I believe that it is a miracle and that we are finally getting what we deserve.

Our perfect life lasted only a few short months than it happened, I never thought that it would happen, I thought that everything would be all right since we were together but I was wrong. We were trying to rid the world of a big bad evil when it happened, it was bigger then we thought and we thought we could handle anything together but when my love died I thought my world was over. I could not believe that it really happened and then I remember our daughter that had just finally gotten a chance to meet her father and now he was taken away from her and a surge of anger rushed through my body and made me carry on with the fight. After it was over I broke down and cried for the lose of my love and for my daughter that would never really get the chance to know her father. The only thing that made me pick myself up off the ground was knowing that our daughter needed at least one of her parents in this world.

When I got back to the house I thanked the lord that Ori was asleep in her crib, I did not think I could deal with looking into her adorable face at that particular moment. I took one look at Cordelia and she knew what happened and she tried to comfort me as much as she could but I knew that she also was suffering in the lost of her friend. When she finally left after a couple hours of grieving I knew that neither of us were done but there was really no reason for us to be with each other, she had to go home and tell Doyle and I had to be strong for my daughter. I tried to look somewhat presentable when Ori woke up but it was hard since all I wanted to do was cry, I could tell by the look on her face that she knew that something was wrong. I did not know how to tell her that her father, the man that she just meet and bonded with will not be in her life any more because he was killed, trying to save the world.

I lost track of time, I sort of just sat there holding Ori remembering all the good times that Angel and I had spent together and all the times that we should have to come but that is all a dream that will never come true now. The only thing that brought me out of my trance was the constant pounding at the door. It seems that Cordelia after leaving last night went and called everyone and explained what had happened and that they should come to LA immediately. My whole family was here except the one person that I needed the most and he would never becoming back. I was not sure how I was going to survive without him in my life, when we weren't together before I always had that hope that one day we would be together. Everyone kept telling me that I need to go on with my life and that it would get easier with time but they said that about when we were apart before and that was a lie. I did not need them telling me what I should do, what did they know, they did not know what my feelings were and how this affected me, they were just telling me what they thought I should hear. But that did not help the matters at hand.

Days went by and the days just seem to blend together, the only thing that kept me going was Ori, without her I would have given up long ago. I put on this show once again just so my family and friends would go back to their lives and leave us alone, I never thought that I would have to be dishonest again but that is when Angel was here with me. Everything was even getting to Ori, she distanced herself from everyone except Cordelia, Doyle and me. Every time I looked at her I was reminded of Angel and then I found out I was pregnant with our second child and then I came to the realization that Angel was also going to miss out on this child's life. I had no idea what I was going to do, I was having a hard enough time surviving, I was just making it through the day with Ori and then to find out I had our child growing inside of me, gave me something else to worry about. I did not want to tell everyone that I was pregnant and I figured that I did need someone to tell and I decided to tell the one person that had always been there for me. Every time I told Cordelia something she never told me what to do she just pointed out things that I was over looking and when she did that it made making my decision that much more easier.

Even though I could not have Angel in my life, I was lucky enough to have his children in my life. They were a symbol of our love, dedication to each other, and our life together that we were always meant to have. I had to survive for them and to let the world know what he sacrificed for them.

My pregnancy went smoothly enough, I had Cordelia and Doyle there to help me out when I need it and Ori was the perfect daughter and waited anxiously for her new brother or sister to arrive. I had went on with my life for the sake of our children but every night I prayed to "the powers that be" that they would give my angel back to me and let my children have the father they deserved. Before I knew it our son made his presence in to this world, he was a tiny replica of his father. When I looked at him I felt the tears start to roll down my cheeks and when the doctors took him away from me I started to panic; I was so afraid that my last connection to Angel would disappear. After I got settled into my hospital room, the nurse brought my son back to me, I was relieved to have him back by my side. A few hours later Cordelia and Doyle brought Ori by the hospital to meet her new baby brother. When they entered the room, Ori was happy to see me and when she saw that I was holding something she asked if that was her brother, I had Cordelia bring her to the bed for she could meet Kyle properly. When she first looked at him, she said that he reminded her of daddy that's when the tears started to fall again. I knew that both of my children would remind my of the one thing that I lost and that I could never have but I thought that it would get easier with time.

When we were finally released from the hospital, Cordelia was there to help out for the first few days but I told her that I could manage by myself and that I really did appreciate her help but it was time for me to do it on my own. It was difficult at first doing everything on my own and I tried my hardest not to think of Angel and to get lost in my dreams that he was going to walk in any second. With each day that came and disappeared everything became a routine. My family tried to convince me to move back to Sunnydale with the children but I would not go because this was our home and this is where we were going to raise our children and this is where I plan to spend the rest of my life.

Cordelia came over after Kyle was a few months old and told me that she was watching the kids tonight and that she wanted me to go out and have a little break from everything. I was reluctant to go at first but I knew that she would argue with me if I did not. I went for a walk that night and I really had no destination in mind but I seem to end up at the one place that I was not ready to face. I thought I need more time but some thing was pulling me to the place that I lost my love. When I entered this place I felt that sadness that I thought I was putting behind me crawl back into my soul and the tears started to flow down my face once again. I guess it was time to say goodbye and to move on with my life, I did not think I was ready for this but something else was telling me that I was and that I just need that little push to get me going. A few hundred tears later I was ready to move past my love, I would never forget him and no one would ever take his place in my heart but I was ready to stop living in the past and to look towards the future with Ori and Kyle. When I arrived home that night, I thanked Cordelia for knowing what I needed and for giving me that little push that I needed.

I knew that each day that was to come would be a challenge and I knew that I had to fight to survive in this world that is full of heartache but I had to do it for my children.

We have managed without him for a year now and nothing has gotten easier, I watch our children grow up everyday without him in their lives, I see Ori hoping that her father will walk through that door any minute. Even though I have told her the truth about what happened she does not want to believe that it happened and she lives in denial that he will return one day. She is even telling Kyle about their father and that he is going to come back and we all are going to be a family one day. She does not tell me these things because she is afraid that I will become sad again. When I asked her why she believes that her daddy is coming home, she tells me that the people in her dreams tell her he is. I asked her what she meant by that and she explained that every night when she goes to sleep the same thing happens, the people are there and they say that he will return when the time is right. At first I did not understand what she was saying and the only thing that I could think of to figure out if the dreams would come true was to talk to Doyle. Doyle still had his connections with "the powers that be" and I figured he could find out some useful information. When he inquired about the dreams that Ori was having, everyone either said that they knew nothing or that we would just have to wait and see. I had no patience to wait and see what was to come; I wanted to know now if Angel was coming back. I did not want any one to set themselves up for any more heartache and I did not want my children to suffer any more then they had to.

Time seem to fly by and every day I hoped that Angel would come walking through the door just like in Ori's dreams. Before I even knew it, it was Kyle's 1st birthday and everyone was in LA to celebrate. We were having a huge party for him and that's when it happened. There was an unexpected guest at the party but everyone was happy to see him. I was overwhelmed at first with making sure Kyle did not get cake all over himself, but when I heard all the commotion that was being made I had to turn around and see what was going on. When I finally turned around I was holding Kyle and I saw my love holding a very happy Ori in his arms. I could not believe that he was actually here and that he was holding our daughter. When he saw me looking at him, he started to walk towards me, when he finally made it to his destination he reached out and touched my cheek to show me that he was really real and that he was not going to disappear anytime soon. I did not even realize that I was sobbing uncontrollably and before I knew it I was in his arms and he was trying to comfort me with out hurting the children that we held in our arms. When I started to calm down, I remembered that I had not introduced Angel to his son yet.

We were all extremely relieved to have him back in our lives. There were so many things that we had to work out but now that he was back I had this feeling that deep down in my gut that everything would be all right. The dreams our daughter was having turned out to be the truth and we figured that she was having them to make sure that she did not lose hope that he would return. Angel was shocked to see that he had a son and he was disappointed that he missed out on certain things again but I told him the way we were going he would have another chance at being involved in the whole miracle of birth. He just gave me a funny look at that comment, like right now was not the time or the place to be making comments like those. The party that started out for our son turned out to be a welcome home party for my husband also. For the first time in Kyle's life he was able to meet his father, he seemed so excited to have him in his life and I know Angel was jumping for joy over having a son.

After everyone went their own separate ways he started to tell me what had been happening over the last year and why he could not come back sooner. He told me that it was destined for him to die that night and that at first he was not suppose to be brought back from the dead but when the "powers" found out that I was pregnant, they had no other choice to alter destiny once again. That is when they decided to let Angel have a second chance at life but he could not come back sooner than that because the timing was not right. He said he could not explain what that meant because he truly did not know but he was grateful for being allowed to come home. He was not the only one that was grateful that he was home were he belonged.

Now with Angel back in our lives, everything that seemed to be missing was now complete and we seemed to be the perfect little family once again. I could not be sure how long that would last and I wanted to make the most of it and that made me want to live life like there was no tomorrow. No one could predict what would happen in our future and it had all ready been stated that we had a way of changing destiny in more ways than one. Life for us seemed to be going pretty good, no one had any trouble adjusting to having Angel back. Ori and Kyle were both happy just to have a father in their lives and they were also happy that their mommy was not sad any more. I think they could actually sense that when he was not there that I was missing something. It was not visible to a lot of people but to the few people that I did let behind my mask knew that without my love I was missing my heart and soul. Even though my children are apart of me, I am nothing without Angel. I was extremely ! grateful to the "powers" for giving me back my angel and I figured that this puts us pretty even now. They had taken away my childhood and innocence but had given me my soulmate and the happiness that I had always wanted.

I could tell there were a few things that still bugged Angel. I could tell that he was upset that he missed out on time with Ori and my pregnancy with Kyle and his 1st year. No matter what I told him and how I explained to him that what was important now was that he was here with them and that he was not going to go anywhere ever again. But he still felt bad for not being there for us. I know there was no way to make him feel better, he had to deal with it on his own but I really wanted him to understand that I did not hold any of it against him.

Even though neither Ori nor Kyle were planned but we were grateful we had them. I knew that he wanted to at least be there for one of his children's birth and so we planned to try and get pregnant. Having another child to us was no big deal because we both loved children and we would always have enough love to go around. With all of our love it did not take much to get me pregnant, Angel was extremely excited to be able to participate in this child's whole life. To our total surprise we did not just conceive one child but we made two precious miracles. This pregnancy was different from Ori's and Kyle's and I had no idea what really to expect but everything seemed to be turning out fine. Angel was enjoying helping me throughout the pregnancy he really loved going to the doctor's appointments and seeing and hearing our children while growing inside of me. Nothing could have made this more perfect. Time flew by and we were sad to see that the babies were all ready set on making t! heir first appearance into this world and early one. After a few hours of extreme pain, we were blessed with the birth of a Chailyn and Axel, our twins.

From that day forward we lived happily ever after with our children.

END.