Forever Begins Again

by Isis FG

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Part 11– Craving Forgiveness
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Willow stopped abruptly upon entering the open area outside of Buffy’s room. Sitting there in one of the chairs was Angel, his head cradled in his hands. She immediately knew what must have happened. Sighing, she made her way over to him and sat down.

“You okay?” she asked with while placing a comforting hand on his shoulder.

Angel looked up at her, tear tracks visible on his cheeks. “I-I’ll be fine.”

“She just needs some time, Angel. I can only imagine how confusing everything is for her right now,” she stated, her heart aching for her two friends.

“I know, I just want to be there for her. But she told me to leave,” he whispered hoarsely.

“I know you do, but she needs time to accept that you’re here. It’s still fresh in her mind, you leaving and all that,” explained Willow. It was hard for her, she could understand how both of them were feeling.

“I wish I could explain to her why I left, but I don’t think she’ll want to talk to me,” Angel replied, his shoulders slumping at the prospect of not being able to make things right with Buffy.

“Give her a few days, then maybe try to talk to her. In the meantime I’ll see if I can get her to let you come visit,” offered Willow as she wondered how she would be able to do that without making Buffy feel like she was taking Angel’s side.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

In her room, Buffy sat slumped against the headboard of her bed, tears still streaming down her face. Part of her wanted so badly to have Angel hold her, but she just couldn’t let him. Not after what he had done to her. He was the one that left. What right did he have to just reappear in her life?

Her body shook as she recalled the night he broke her heart. She’d been so happy then. Graduating from high school, hanging with her friends, and she’d had the silent hope that Angel was going to ask her to marry him. And then it all fell apart. He cast her aside like she was nothing. There was no way she could forgive him for what he’d done. No way.

Shaking her head, Buffy tried to push Angel out of her mind. He wasn’t important. She didn’t need to think about him. There were other things she needed to be thinking about at the moment. Like the images that had popped into her head during the short argument with Angel.

She didn’t know what those images meant. They weren’t familiar, but she felt as if she should know them. As she had sat there, steaming with anger toward Angel, clips of another argument had swarmed in her head. She’d been in a stairwell, it looked like, crying as she argued with some guy she didn’t recognize. The images had been just that, images, no words or emotions associated with them. It didn’t make any sense. Who was the guy and what had they been arguing about?

Slipping down under of the covers of her bed, Buffy tried to fight the tears that were once again threatening to fall, but was unsuccessful. The recent events were just too much. Realizing that Angel had been gone and returned and then the confusing images were just too much to try and ignore. The tears steadily streamed out of her eyes and onto her pillow as Buffy cried herself into a restless sleep.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

Angel walked dejectedly back into his apartment. Just a few hours earlier he had been happy and excited about how things were going with Buffy now that she was out of the coma. And now everything had gone to hell. He had known that she would realize that he wasn’t supposed to be by her side or even in Sunnydale, but a small part of him had hoped that maybe she wouldn’t remember or if she did that she wouldn’t care.

She had, though, and she had kicked him out. Not that he could blame her. He probably would have done the same thing. After what he had done to her, he deserved nothing better than to be banned from her life. But he couldn’t just walk away. He had done that once and it had been the wrong thing to do. This time he wouldn’t let her go.

Now, he just needed to find a way to get her to understand what he had done, and he needed to apologize for doing it in the first place. But he couldn’t go back and try to talk to her. She was too upset and it would only make things worse. Would it be better just to give her time? Honestly, he didn’t know. He wasn’t sure she would ever speak to him long enough for him to say everything that needed to be said. So how could he go about trying to make things right?

Sitting down at his desk, Angel attempted to brainstorm ideas of how to win back Buffy’s love and trust. Flowers? Maybe, they would be a nice gesture, but they wouldn’t help her to understand his actions. Presents wouldn’t really work either; she would just thing he was trying to buy her affections.

As he sat there with his head resting in his hands his eyes caught site of some stationary his mother had given him before he moved. Of course! He could write her a letter. He could say everything that needed to be said without having to go to her and upset her by making her listen in a face to face conversation.

With a cautious smile, Angel pulled out a pen and a piece of paper and set about writing the letter to Buffy. He knew that he needed to explain everything to her, his feelings, his reasons, why he had returned, everything. It was the only way he could see that she might ever forgive him.

Long into the night he worked on the letter. Many crumbled up pieces of paper littered the floor around his desk, casualties of his attempts write the perfect letter. Finally, when he finished, it was near two a.m. Reading over the words, he was sure that he had said everything that he needed to. Folding up the paper, he placed it in the matching envelope. Tomorrow he would stop at a florist and get rose to send over with the letter. He just hoped that she would read it and not throw it away.

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Part 12 – Conflicting Emotions
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Angel sat in his office staring out the window as a heavy rain pounded outside. The weather matched his mood perfectly. His thoughts were on anything but work. He’d hardly slept the night before, most of the it spent writing the letter to Buffy. But even when he finally had gone to bed, he hadn’t been able to sleep.

His thoughts turned to the letter sitting on his desk. Was it the right way to go about explaining things to her? He wasn’t exactly sure, but at the moment it was the only thing he could think of. Hopefully she would at least read it and not just throw it away.

Glancing at his watch, Angel saw that it was almost noon. He was going to meet Xander for lunch soon at the deli across the street. The two had been getting along better recently, rebuilding the friendship they’d once had. Plus, Angel had the ulterior motive of asking Xander to deliver the letter to Buffy since it was likely that she wouldn’t want him anywhere near her.

Angel attempted to focus on his work until lunch, but found himself unable to. The only thing he could think about was Buffy. His heart was torn over what had happened the night before. He understood her anger with him. He probably would have been the same way. But it didn’t stop the need he felt within him of wanting to just take her in his arms and hold her.

Finally giving up on trying to get any work done, Angel got up from his desk and decided to head out to lunch. Grabbing his coat, and the letter off his desk, Angel left his office. He was still worried that the letter wasn’t the right thing to do, but at least he was doing something to try and make things better.

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“So what do you think?” posed Willow as she sat on one end of Buffy’s bed.

Lost in her thoughts, Buffy didn’t even hear the question. She was aware that Willow was talking to her, but she just couldn’t seem to focus on what the red head was saying. Her mind had been elsewhere that day.

As much as she tried to, she couldn’t get her thoughts off of Angel. Over and over she told herself to forget about him. That he wasn’t worth her time. That he had hurt her horribly. But it didn’t stop the thoughts.

Her memories were at war with each other. One half of her brain was reminding her of all the good times they’d had together, and how Angel had comforted her just a few days earlier when she had been so upset after learning of her coma and memory loss. The other half of her brain was replaying the night Angel had dumped her in repeat.

Each side brought on such strong emotions within her. She couldn’t just forget the love between them. She’d always believed that he was her soulmate. That was definitely not something that one tended to forget. But she also couldn’t forget the pain he’d caused her.

So what was she supposed to do? Her first thoughts were to stay as far away as possible from him. She didn’t want to be hurt again. And then she’d remember his comforting embrace and how he’d held her the other night and wish that he was with her again. It left her torn and confused. Obviously, she was going to need more time to decide what to do about Angel.

Buffy was snapped out of her thoughts when Willow tapped her on the shoulder.

“Huh? What?” a slightly dazed Buffy asked.

“Someone was off in their own little world,” smiled Willow knowingly. “I asked you a question a few minutes ago, but I think you were too busy brooding.”

“I do not brood!” Buffy disagreed hastily. “Anyways, what did you ask me?”

“I wanted to know if you wanted me to take you down to the salon tomorrow to get your hair done,” repeated Willow, remembering how Buffy had complained about how horrible her hair looked.

“Hmm, yeah. My hair could definitely use some work,” pondered Buffy as one of her hands reached up to her long blonde hair.

“I think I’ll get mine done too. Hey, I know! We can get manicures and facials and stuff too!” Willow exclaimed excitedly, thinking about how a day of pampering might help her get rid of the sluggishness she’d been feeling lately.

“Sounds like a plan,” agreed Buffy, her mind still not entirely focused on her friend.

After a minute, Buffy spoke again. “Willow? What was like when I was in the coma?”

“What do you mean?” replied Willow, not quite understanding Buffy’s intentions.

“I…well, I was just wondering how things were. Ya know, did people visit, how was Mom? Stuff like that,” explained Buffy further.

“Oh, umm, ok. Well, at first there was pretty much someone always with you in case you woke up. We didn’t want you to be alone if you did come out of it. But then as time passed we had to go back to work and stuff,” started Willow as she tried to think of how to tell Buffy about the time when she was in the coma.

“But Oz and I stayed here at the house most of the time. I think it helped your Mom that we were here, and I wanted to be here in case you woke up. Xander and Cordy came over almost every other day,” added on Willow, intentionally not mentioning Angel for fear of how Buffy would react.

“So you guys were here a lot?” Buffy asked, not sure why she needed to know.

“Yeah. It was hard to see you like you were, but we wanted to be here for you and your Mom and Giles,” explained Willow, a comforting smile on her face. “And you saw all the cards and stuff. You were quite popular in the gift receiving department.”

Buffy smiled at that, glancing to the corner of the room where various stuffed animals and trinkets had piled up. It was nice to know that people missed her and had worried about her.

Turning her thoughts in another direction, Buffy asked the question that she had been wondering about all morning. “What about Angel?”

“Umm, what about Angel?” prodded Willow, slightly taken aback by the question.

“Why is he here?” Buffy furthered, her voice tinged with anger at the man in question.

“Oh. Well, he moved back to Sunnydale about a month or so ago. We were at the Bronze one night when he just showed up. All of us were kinda mean to him, and then we realized that he didn’t know what had happened to you. So I brought him here and told him about your attack and the coma,” relayed Willow of how Angel had reappeared in their lives.

“How come he seemed to know where everything was in the house?” questioned Buffy as she remembered how Angel had known where everything was in the kitchen to make her breakfast.

“Umm, well…ever since he came back and found out about you, he pretty much spent every free second he had here,” answered Willow, not surprised by the stunned look on Buffy’s face.

“H-he did?” Buffy asked, the knowledge striking a chord in her heart.

“Yeah, he would just sit up here with you for hours. Sometimes he would read to you, or tell you about college. And other times he would just sit here holding your hand,” told Willow, wondering if maybe the information would cause Buffy to think about talking to Angel. “He would also help your Mom and Giles out with stuff.”

“Oh,” was all Buffy could think to say. She hadn’t expected to hear what Willow had told her. It didn’t make any sense.

Angel had dumped her. That meant he didn’t love her right? So why had he done so much for her while she was in a coma? Did he do it because he felt guilty for whatever reason? But what did he have to feel guilty about?

Buffy’s endless internal questions were interrupted when another person entered the room.

“Hey! Buffster!” grinned Xander, happy to see his friend awake after so long in a coma.

“Hey Xand!” Buffy smiled back

“How are two of my favorite girls?” he asked as he sat down on the bed next to them.

“We’re good, talking about how we’re gonna go get our hair done tomorrow,” answered Willow, referring to the plans they had made.

“Oooh, fun,” he replied with a little sarcasm at the girly outing.

“Xand!” Buffy chided with a laugh, the sound making her friends smile. It had been so long since they’d seen Buffy awake and laughing.

“I, umm, have something for you,” Xander stated nervously, thinking about the letter Angel had given him to give to Buffy.

“Ooh, presents!” Buffy said happily. Who didn’t like getting presents?

“Uh, not really. I, uh…Angel, he, uh, asked me to give this to you,” he replied, pulling the letter and rose out from the large inner pocket of his coat.

Buffy’s face immediately set into a frown. No matter what, it seemed like she couldn’t get away from Angel. It was utterly torturous.

“I-I don’t want it,” Buffy stated unconvincingly.

“Buff,” started Xander. “It’s just a letter. Maybe you should read it.”

For a minute she just stared at the letter, trying to decide if she should burn it or read it. “I’ll think about it,” she finally answered, taking the items form Xander.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

A few hours later, Buffy sat in her darkened room. The only light came from a small lamp next to her bed. In her hands she held the letter from Angel that Xander had delivered. The rose was sitting on her nightstand. She hadn’t yet put it in water because she was still debating about whether to keep it or throw it out.

And she still hadn’t decided if she should read the letter or not. She couldn’t help but be curious about it. What had he written to her? If she read it, wouldn’t she just be giving him another way to hurt her?

Eventually, her need to know what he had written got the better of her. Slowly, she tore open the envelope and pulled out the cream colored paper. She found herself staring at the flowing script in front of her, memories of other times he had written her letters flashing in her mind.

Snapping out of her daze, Buffy finally began to read the words on the papers in front of her.

“My Dearest Buffy,

I have been sitting here for over two hours trying to write this letter. I’m not even sure that this is the right thing to do. There are so many things that I need to tell you, explain to you. I understand that you are angry with me, and I understand why, but I am hoping that you will read this letter anyway.

First, I must apologize for upsetting you last night. That was the last thing that I wanted to have happen. But I knew it would eventually. I am sorry that my being there caused you pain. That is why I am writing this letter to you. I figured you would not want to see me, but I needed to tell you so many things.

I guess I should start with that day five years ago when I broke up with you. I have many regrets about that day. The foremost of which being that I made you cry, and that you thought that I no longer loved you. That was never the case. I have always loved you, and I always will.

Back then, I had so many reasons for doing what I did, but I’m not even sure they make sense to me anymore. A few weeks before we graduated from high school I started thinking about how I was going all the way across the country to Columbia and how you would be staying here in Sunnydale. I started wondering if it was right to try and continue our relationship when we were so far away from each other. I wanted you to be happy, to have fun and enjoy life. But I wondered how you could do that in a long-distance relationship. I began feeling guilty over thoughts of how you might not do things like go to parties and such because of me. It was too much for me. I didn’t want to be the reason you lost out on so much. That’s when I decided that I would break up with you before I left.

What I did never had anything to do with not loving you. All I wanted was for you to be happy. But I understand now that what I did was wrong. I shouldn’t have made the decision I did without talking to you. It should have been your choice as well as mine. And for that I am sorry. I never meant to break your heart. I will forever regret the pain that I caused you.

There was not a day while I was gone that I did not think about you. I had hoped that time would make the pain go away, that I would stop missing you. It never happened. I woke up every day wishing you were with me. I tried to move on, but I just couldn’t. Not when my heart still belonged to you. That is why I decided to return to Sunnydale. I knew that I could never move on with my life until I saw you again.

I won’t lie and say that I didn’t hope you would forgive me for all that I have done because I did. The entire time leading up to my move back home, I kept wondering what you life was like now. Were you married now? Did you have kids? The selfish part of me hoped for neither, but in the end, I just wanted you to be happy. And if you’d found someone else to be happy with then I would accept that.

It broke my heart when I found out what had happened to you. To see you lying lifeless in a bed like that, it was almost too much to bear. Every day I hoped that you would wake up, that I would be able to see your smiling face again. And I was so happy when you finally did.

I’m glad that I was able to be there for you after you woke up, but I knew that you would eventually realize that I should not have been there at all. Maybe I should have told you first, but I just wanted to savor the few peaceful moments I had with you. I’m sorry that my being there upset you.

I will stay away, if that is what you wish. I don’t want to cause you anymore pain. So if you don’t want to see me, I will stay away from you. I just had to explain everything to you. I wanted you to know why I did what I did. I know that it doesn’t change the fact that I did it, but I hope that you will at least understand why, and know that I never stopped loving you.

Yours Always,

Angel”

As Buffy finished reading the letter, the tears that had begun to flow after a few sentences continued. Her eyes closed as she clutched the piece of paper in her shaking hands. She wanted to hate him. God how she wanted to hate him! But she didn’t know if she really could.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^
Part 13 – Forgive and Forget?
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How long had she been sitting there staring at Angel’s letter, Buffy wondered when she finally snapped back to reality. Looking down at herself she could see the many dark spots on her shirt where her tears had fallen. She knew her eyes must be puffy and red as well.

Her eyes drifted back to the letter. Was everything in it true? Did he really still love her? Did it even matter to her if he did? She honestly didn’t know the answer to that question.

The memories of their breakup were still so vivid in her mind. Every aching second of that night was forever scorched into her memory. How could she just push that aside like it didn’t matter? Buffy didn’t think she could.

Angel had shattered her innocent belief in true love that night. He’d taken every dream she’d ever had and slashed a metaphorical knife right through them, tearing her heart into shreds in the process. Nothing would ever take away the pain that he’d caused her that night. Nothing would make her forget the sight of him walking away from her and their love.

Did it matter that he’d only thought he was doing what was best for her? That is if everything he’d written was the truth. What’s that old saying? She wondered. The road to Hell is paved with the best of intentions? Or something like that?

Well, Angel certainly paved our way to Hell then, she thought with a sarcastic internal laugh. It didn’t sound like his life had been all that great the last five years. And hers, well, the six months or so she could remember from after Angel left had royally sucked, and then, of course, she’d somehow ended up in a coma. So her life, obviously, had been lousy. Yeah, he sure paved the way to Hell.

Buffy sighed and fell back against her pillows. What was she supposed to do now? Did he expect her to just say ‘you’re forgiven’ and fall back into his arms? As much as she wanted to return to his loving embrace, she just didn’t know if she could. The pain was just still to strong in her heart.

As she laid there thinking about Angel, her eyes started drifting closed. She was emotionally exhausted from the revelations in the letter and her brooding session afterwards that left her no closer to knowing what to do. But as she began to fall asleep, she couldn’t help but wish that Angel was there to hold her.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

For most of the early evening, Angel found himself sitting in his apartment staring at his phone. Every minute that passed without anything happening sent his hopes further spiraling downwards. Had he really expected that she would call him? No, not really. But part of him still had the useless expectation that she would.

He knew that she must have received the letter by now. Xander had said that he was going over to the Giles’ right after lunch. So Angel knew that she had it. Whether or not she had read it, he didn’t know. He wouldn’t have been surprised if she had torn it into little pieces and flushed them down the toilet.

But, still, there was that small part of him, somewhere in the back of his mind, that had thought she would call. The phone stayed silent, however. He’d been staring at the damned thing all night and it had done nothing but just sit there.

Had she read the letter? Had she not accepted it? Had she destroyed it? Angel just wanted to know something, anything. The not knowing was killing him

A sudden noise snapped Angel out of his internal thoughts. When the noise repeated itself, he realized that someone was knocking on his door. Jumping off the couch, he practically ran to the door. His heart seemed to be in his throat. Was it possible she had come to see him? He could only hope.

Taking a deep breath, he pulled the door open. To his dismay, it wasn’t Buffy who he found on the other side.

“Xander,” he spoke, disappointment obvious in his voice.

“Gee, what a welcome,” joked Xander with a shake of his head.

“Sorry, I was just…,” started Angel, swiftly looking away from his friend.

“You were just hoping that I was Buffy, I know,” Xander stated, reading Angel’s thoughts.

Angel just shrugged and moved back from the door, motioning for Xander to come in. The two walked into Angel’s small living room where Xander sat on a chair and Angel on the couch.

“I figured you’d want to know how she reacted,” Xander finally said when Angel made no attempt to say anything.

“She didn’t want it, did she?” replied Angel, knowing it was probably true.

“No, she didn’t it. She wasn’t going to take it from me, but I convinced her too,” he explained gently. He hated being in middle of his friends problems.

“Do…do you know if she read it,” Angel asked softly, not sure if he wanted to know the answer.

“I don’t know. She took the letter and set it aside. I didn’t stay very long and she didn’t read it while I was there,” Xander answered, wishing he had something better to tell Angel.

“Oh.” Angel looked down at his hands, not wanting Xander to see the pain in his eyes. He understood Buffy’s reluctance to even accept a letter, but it still hurt.

“I’m sure she will, Angel. Maybe not today, or tomorrow. But she will eventually. She just needs to cool down a little bit. You know the temper and stubborn streak she has,” offered Xander in consolation.

“Yeah,” responded Angel, although he couldn’t help but feel like he’d already lost her for good.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

Buffy was not happy. Not only was it nine in the morning, after a night during which she had slept restlessly, but she was also being forced to exercise. Well, not quite exercise in the strictest sense. Technically, she was doing her physical therapy but it felt more like exercise to her and they’d been at it for the last hour.

At seven that morning her Mom had come in to wake her and tell her that she was to have her first ‘post-coma’ session with her physical therapist. Willow had told her how the therapist had worked with her while she was in the coma and that now that she was out he’d help her get back into shape. It made sense, really it did. But that didn’t mean she liked the fact that he had to come at eight in the morning.

And, of course, there was also the fact that some simple stretching and weight lifting were utterly exhausting. After nine months in a coma her muscles were severely under-used and therefore protested violently to the strains.

“One more set,” the man, now known as Riley, told her as she lay on the mat in the gym in the basement of the house.

She groaned inside her head at the order, but complied and began doing ten more raises per leg. Out of the corner of her eye, she watched this Riley person. She didn’t know why, but he bugged her. All through their workout he kept asking her questions. And she had caught him staring at her more than once. It was rather creepy, but she pushed it aside.

“Ok, that’s all for today. You did really well, Buffy,” spoke Riley, flashing her a smile.

“Thanks,” Buffy mumbled as she picked up her towel.

“Don’t try to do too much, your body isn’t ready for it yet,” he advised her.

“Ok, I won’t,” she half-heartedly promised.

“So I’ll see you in two days then,” he told her while packing up his bag.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

Later that day, Buffy finally managed to get some time to herself. After her physical therapy session her Mother had wanted to spend some ‘quality time’ together. So they ate lunch together and then attempted to have a conversation, but it was more like uncomfortable small talk.

Then after that she’d met her psychologist for the first time, a man named Wesley Wyndam-Pryce. He was nice, but a little on the stiff side. The whole session had been spent with Buffy telling him about her situation and what memories she did possess. It was more of an information gathering session versus actual therapy.

So now Buffy was finally alone. Instead of going back to her room, she went out into the gardens and found a nice patch of grass to sit on under the sun. After a long day she was enjoying the just sitting there doing nothing in the peaceful quiet of the gardens.

Of course, her mind was anything but peaceful at the moment. She still couldn’t get her thoughts off of Angel. The words in his letter kept running through her head. As much as she told her self she didn’t care, she couldn’t stop wondering if what he had said was true. And if they were true, then what did she want to do?

Sighing, she lay back in the grass, staring up at the blue sky. She watched as the clouds shifted shape and floated across the sky. Unconsciously, her thoughts drifted back to a picnic on the beach Angel had taken her on the summer before their senior year of high school. They’d spent the whole day together laughing and enjoying themselves. It had been perfect.

She had so many memories like that of them together. Not even the images of their breakup could block out all the good times. She hated to admit it, but she missed those days…and she missed Angel. She missed the way he could always seem to read her mind, she missed the way his arms held her, she missed the peace he brought to her soul. There was no doubt in her mind, now, that she still had feelings for him. Maybe she even still loved him. But the bigger question was whether she could get past the broken heart he’d been the cause of.

“Let me guess. You’re thinking about…hmmm…Angel?” a new voice spoke from behind her.

Internally, Buffy groaned at having her alone time interrupted. It always seemed to happen. Nobody seemed to be able to leave her on her own for too long. Begrudgingly, she opened her eyes and tilted her head so she could see who had spoken.

“Hey Cordy,” she greeted after seeing that it was one of her friends.

“Hey,” Cordy answered back before taking a seat on the grass next to Buffy. “You didn’t answer my question.”

“What questioned was that?” Buffy feigned in ignorance to what the brunette was referring to.

“Were you thinking about Angel?” she repeated with a knowing look.

“Maybe,” grumbled Buffy, unhappy that her thoughts had apparently been so transparent.

“Thought so,” smirked Cordelia. “So how are you doing?”

“I’m okay,” shrugged Buffy, feeling anything but okay.

“Xander told me about the letter Angel sent you,” the brunette blurted out, causing Buffy to turn and glare at her.

“So?” Buffy questioned angrily.

“So…did you read it?” Cordelia wanted to know.

Buffy stared at her for a few seconds before answering. “Yes, I did.”

“And?” prodded Cordy, wanting to know what was going on with her friends.

“An what? I read it. But it doesn’t change anything,” Buffy snipped out, not happy about having to discuss Angel when he was already constantly on her mind.

“Uh huh,” replied Cordy with a pointed look at Buffy. “You can say that, but I know you are thinking differently. It’s gotta mean something to know why he left.

Buffy sat up from her spot on the ground and stared at her hands. Did it mean anything to know Angel’s reasons? She still didn’t know the answer to that.

“I don’t know, Cordy,” sighed Buffy, looking up at one of her long-time friends. “I mean, yeah, it’s nice to know that he didn’t just up and dump me because he didn’t love me anymore. But at the same time, it doesn’t change that he still left me.”

“No, it doesn’t,” conceded Cordy. She’d never been in a situation like Buffy’s, but she could understand how it would be hard to get past what had happened with Angel. Still, she wanted to see them get back together. She wanted to see Buffy happy like she had been years ago. “So what are you going do?”

“Maybe nothing. Maybe…I,” Buffy ran a hand through her hair and then continued. “He hurt me so badly, Cordy. That’s just not something I can forget. But at the same time, I wish he was here. This is all so hard to deal with, the coma, the memory loss. And sometimes I just wish he was here to make me forget about it all.”

Cordelia watched her friend as she spoke. It was obvious how much pain Buffy was in because of everything going on, and not just Angel. She couldn’t imagine how hard it must be to have lost four years of memories. However, it was quite easy to figure out that Angel was Buffy’s biggest problem at the moment.

Taking a minute to think, Cordelia smoothed out the wrinkles in her skirt. She was trying to think of something she could say to help Buffy.

“Do you remember the summer after graduation when I started dating Xander and how everyone reacted?” she asked and when Buffy nodded she went on. “My parents were horrified, and all the other supposed ‘society princess’ thought I’d gone insane. They treated my horribly.”

“You almost broke up with him,” Buffy stated wondering why Cordy was talking about this.

“Uh huh. I avoided him for almost two weeks,” the brunette remembered. “I let everything they said get to me. I wondered if they were right, that he was just a loser. But eventually, I got over it.”

“Is there a reason you’re telling me all this?” Buffy asked while looking at Cordy oddly.

“Do you know what made me make up my mind?” Cordy replied and when she didn’t receive and answer she explained. “I know Xander and I hadn’t been together long, but there was just something that felt so right about it. When I would think of five or ten years from then, I could see myself still with him, and happy.”

Cordy noticed that Buffy was still staring at her, not understanding what she was trying to say.

“My point being, is that I didn’t want to lose out on a chance to be happy because of things that I couldn’t change like the fact that he was poor or could be a bit of a spazz,” Cordelia let out a slight growl-like sound. “I’m not saying this right. What I want to ask you is, do you want to give up the chance for a future with Angel because of what happened in the past? He can’t change what he did, but you guys can still have a chance to be happy. When I look back now, I’m so glad that I didn’t let the things I couldn’t change ruin my relationship with Xander. If I had I wouldn’t be as happy as I am now.”

“It’s not that simple, Cordy,” Buffy answered hesitantly. “I can’t just forget what he did to me.”

“No, you can’t. And I wouldn’t expect you to. I’m sure he doesn’t either,” agreed Cordy. “But the question is, can you get past it?”

“I don’t know. I just…I honestly don’t know. I’ve been asking myself that all day” Buffy said sadly. Could she get past it? As she told Cordy, she just didn’t know if she could.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^
Part 14 - Perspective
^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

~One Week Later~

Angel sat at his desk staring at his computer, trying his hardest to get something accomplished, but not having much success. The only thing that his mind could focus on was a certain petite blonde. He just couldn’t seem to think about anything else. Not that constantly thinking about her was unusual for him, but for the past week it had been even worse. It had been a week since he’d sent the letter to her.

One week. Seven days. One hundred and sixty-eight hours since he had poured his soul out in the letter. A letter which he hoped would persuade her to give him a second chance. But a week during which she had made no attempt to contact him.

He knew she had read the letter. At least he knew that. Xander had provided him with that information courtesy of Cordelia. Other than that he knew nothing. Cordelia had only told Xander that Buffy had read the letter, nothing else. It was killing him to not know what she was feeling or if she would forgive him.

To know that she had at least read it was only somewhat comforting. He knew it was unrealistic, but part of him had hoped that she would come running back to him. With each passing day that he did not see or hear from her it became harder and harder to hope that she would forgive him at all.

And so he found himself, seven days later, unable to think about anything other than her. He was tempted to go see her, but he knew that would possibly make things worse. She would come to him on her own, when she was ready, if she was ever ready. Still, the waiting was likely to drive him insane.

Shaking his head slightly, Angel forced his focus back on the computer screen in front of him. He needed to get some work done. It wouldn’t do him any good to lose his job because he had been slacking off. Plus, maybe doing some work would keep him from thinking about her for even just a few minutes.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

Standing at the top of the stairs, Buffy looked up and down the hallway. Which direction was the damn study? All she wanted to do was use the computer that Willow had shown her a few days ago, but she couldn’t remember where the damn room was. Her brow scrunched as she tried to remember if it was even on the second floor.

She looked toward each end of the hallway once again, trying her hardest to remember where the room was, but it was no use. She had no clue where the study was. For a moment she contemplated searching each room until she found it, but she quickly vetoed that idea. Her body was still weak and tired easily and the house was just too big to search. With a sigh, Buffy walked slowly back to her room. At least she knew where that was.

Once inside her room, Buffy flopped down on the bed. Unwanted tears formed in her eyes as her frustration over her memory loss became too much. She hated having such a big part of her life missing. In a way, she didn’t even feel like it was her life she was living. Nothing was familiar. It was like she had Quantum Leaped into someone else’s body where she knew nothing about what was going on around her.

[AN: for those of you who don’t know, Quantum Leap was a TV show…if you don’t know it and want to know what it was about, email me and I’ll tell you]

Pushing herself up to sit at the head of the bed, Buffy glanced around her room. Outside of her memory loss, she couldn’t get past the feeling that something else wasn’t quite right. Her room itself had initiated the feeling.

She studied the room as she sat there on her bed. It was, by all means, a very nice room. The walls were off white, the matching furniture was lightly stained oak, the bed was covered in a very pale peach soft down comforter, and the large windows provided lots of light. Yes, it was definitely a nice room. But it just wasn’t…her.

There were no pictures or posters on the walls. The dresser and closet had the bare minimum of clothes. There were few personal momentos, and the bathroom lacked her usual wide variety of toiletries. In essence, it felt like she was living in a guest room rather than a room that was hers.

Of course, it had occurred to her that maybe her things where in an apartment that was hers, but even so, wouldn’t they have moved the stuff to her room at the house? It wouldn’t make any sense to keep an empty apartment when she was in a coma. And even if her things were in an apartment somewhere, wouldn’t she have made her room at the house a little more homey?

The whole thing just made no sense. She also got the feeling that there were things that the others weren’t telling her. Whenever she would ask them about something from the previous four years there would be this look on their faces and they would tell her it was important for her to remember on her own. The look told her that they were hiding something. What could they possibly be hiding and why?

With those thoughts in her mind, Buffy’s eyes began to drift shut. She wondered if sleep would give her some peace of mind. The last week had been an endless parade of stresses and it was beginning to wear on her already depleted body. But she knew that sleep wouldn’t provide any release for there was a certain sexy, dark haired man who always visited her dreams.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

~somewhere else in Sunnydale~

Hidden in the shadows of a dimly light alley stood a tall, nervous man. He glanced down at his watch, pressing the button to light the face so he could tell the time. It was fifteen minutes past when his contact was supposed to show up. He wasn’t normally one to be easily scared, but the alley was giving him the creeps.

As his eyes looked upwards he caught sight of headlands coming down toward him. Letting out a restless sigh, he waited for the car to come to a stop next to him.

“Your late,” the man growled at the occupant of the car.

“Yeah, your point?”

“You were supposed to be here fifteen minutes ago!” the man stated sharply.

“You’re such a fucking stiff sometimes.”

“Let’s just get this over with,” he answered, running a hand through his hair.

“Fine, whatever. Just tell me what I need to know.”

“She doesn’t remember anything. Apparently, her memory for the last for years is gone,” the man explained.

“Is it permanent?”

“Don’t know. It might be and it might not be,” he replied hastily, wanting nothing more than to get out of the alley.

“She better hope it is. Anything else?”

“No, that’s it,” he stated anxiously.

Without another word, the car sped off. The driver thought about the new information. She was a loose end. But which risk was greater? Tying up the loose end or hoping that she’d never remember?

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

The slight noise of her door closing startled Buffy out of her sleep. She glanced around and saw no one in the room with her. Someone must have been checking on her. They did that often, as if they expected her to just disappear or something. It was annoying to a certain degree, but it also told her they cared about her.

Her eyes gazed out the window for a few seconds, noticing the orange and pinks in the sky she realized that it was almost night. Slightly shocked that she had slept for almost two hours, Buffy rolled over onto her side. The moment she did, she found herself staring at a few sheets of cream colored paper with a wilting rose sitting atop them.

The sight caused her eyes to water. Hesitantly, her fingers reached out to lightly touch the dying edges of the once beautiful flower. She hadn’t found it in herself to put it in water, but she also hadn’t been able to throw it away. So it had sat on her nightstand for the past week, dying a little more each day.

As much as she tried to, she hadn’t been able to force Angel out of her mind. Over and over she told herself that he’d broken her heart, that he would only do it again. But each time she did, she also remembered all the times they had laughed together, all the times he’d held her safely in his strong arms, all the times he’d surrounded her with his love.

She didn’t want to believe that he still loved her, didn’t want to believe all that he had said in the letter. It was easier not to believe than it was to allow her heart to open itself up to him again. But deep down, she knew everything he had written was the complete truth. Just as she knew that she would always love him.

Did it matter, though, what she felt? Or what he felt, for that matter? Could she allow herself to fall into him again? That was what she didn’t know. And the week spent mulling over, and trying to ignore, the letter had yet to provide any clarity on the situation.

Her thoughts drifted back to the conversation she had had with Cordy a week earlier. The brunette’s words had stuck in her head. A couple times she’d caught herself during the past week watching Cordelia and Xander together. They looked so happy even though they tended to bicker a lot. It was just part of who they were, but they were happy with each other. And they almost hadn’t had that because Cordy had almost given up on them years ago. But her friend hadn’t given up, and now she had a life and a companion she was happy with.

Did she want to give up her own chance at happiness? And was her happiness tied to Angel? Buffy thought about those two questions intently. She thought about her dreams for the future, the things she wanted, and the person she wanted them with. Images flashed within her mind, filling her with desires she thought long dead. She craved to reach out and grab them before they disappeared.

The clarity over the situation hit her suddenly. She knew what she needed to do, what she wanted to do. There were still doubts. How could there not be? But she now knew in her deep in her heart what it was that she wanted.

With a steadfast determination, Buffy picked up the phone, there was someone she needed to ask a favor of.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

Angel stood in his kitchen mindlessly stirring the chicken noodle soup he’d opted to have for dinner. He could have eaten cardboard he wouldn’t have cared. Nothing mattered. Not when he believed that he’d lost his true love, forever.

He moved around the small kitchen with sagged shoulders. His movements were dull and void of emotion as he pulled out a bowl and spoon. After pouring the contents of the pan into the bowl, he sat at the table. As he waited for the soup to cool, his mind thought back to the first time he had seen Buffy.

The gang had designated him to go pick up some videos for their movie night. And as he walked around the store he’d bumped into her as she came out of one of the aisles. The moment he saw her, his heart was lost to the enchanting blonde beauty. They’d stared at each other for nearly five minutes before he had snapped himself out of his daze and introduced himself. She had smiled shyly at him before saying her name. And when he had shook her hand he had known somewhere in his heart that she was his future.

Memories of Buffy swept through his mind causing his heart to ache even more. Words couldn’t even begin to describe how much he missed her presence in his life. Through the din of his thoughts, the knocking at his door barely registered in his mind.

Shaking the images of years past out of his consciousness, Angel slowly ambled to the door, not even bothering to put on the shirt that was slung over the back of a chair. He figured it was probably Willow, Xander, or Cordelia coming over to check on him as they had been doing the past week.

He swung the door open, planning to tell his unexpected guest that he was fine and that they could go home, when his eyes landed on the person on the other side of the door.

“Hi…,” spoke a soft, beautiful voice.

“Buffy?” he gasped out in response, almost not believing that she was really there.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^
Part 15 – Second Chances
^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

The second he opened the door, all thoughts left Buffy’s head. The only thing she could focus on was Angel’s shirtless chest in front of her. She unconsciously licked her lips at the sight. He’d obviously been working out the past few years. He was still incredibly sexy though.

Somehow she managed to say ‘hi’ and barely heard him say her name in surprise. Finally, she snapped herself out of her lust induced hazed. Not that she didn’t love staring at his body, but she’d come for a reason other than that.

“Umm, hi. I’m, umm, sorry for just coming by,” she spoke nervously, trying to avoid looking at his chest.

“That,” Angel cleared his throat. He couldn’t believe that she was here. “That’s okay. Uhh, why don’t you c-come in?”

“Okay,” she answered softly before walking into the apartment.

After entering the apartment, Buffy looked at its interior. She was curious about where Angel lived. She wandered around, looking at the pictures on his bookshelf and took in the furniture and decorations. The place was homey and not over-done. It was just like she had imagined a place he lived would be.

Angel watched her study his apartment. He would have spoken but he was too shocked that she was only few feet away from him. So he just let her look around. But when he saw her wince and grab the edge of his desk he moved into action.

“Are you all right?” he asked, rushing to her side.

“I’m fine!” she responded more harshly than she meant to. “Sorry. It’s just a cramp in my leg. My physical therapist said they’re normal. I usually only get them when I’m standing for too long.”

“Oh, uhh, why don’t you sit down then?” he offered while pointing to the comfortable looking couch in the middle of the room.

“Sure,” she shrugged. For a moment, Buffy was regretting her decision to come see Angel. She knew what she wanted now, but there was still a large part of her that was angry with him.

For a long few minutes, Buffy sat on the couch while Angel sat on a chair with neither of them speaking. Angel was too afraid to say something, and Buffy didn’t know what exactly it was that she wanted to say to him. So they just sat there until Buffy finally spoke up.

“I got your letter,” she told him while staring at her fingers.

“I-I’m glad,” Angel stuttered. He was beyond nervous, and intensely afraid that he would say something that would make her leave.

“Thank you for writing it,” Buffy praised awkwardly. She was wracking her brain for the right thing to say to him.

“You’re welcome. I just...I wanted you to know everything,” he explained quietly. So far, Buffy was not giving away anything. He had no idea if she was here to give him a chance or to tell him it was over for good.

“I appreciated it,” she said before lifting her head up to look him straight in the eyes. “But I need to know one thing.”

“What?” he asked, matching her gaze.

“Was everything you said in it true?” Her voice was solid and determined. This was the one thing she needed to know, first, before anything else.

“Every word,” he stated simply. And it was the truth. He had been completely honest in the letter.

“Good,” Buffy responded succinctly.

Silence followed. Angel knew that Buffy needed to be in control of whatever was to happen. He had to just let her do or say whatever she wanted.

Buffy, for her part, was struggling with conflicting emotions. There was the part of her that just wanted to leap into his arms and have him hold her. But there was also the part of her that still was not quite ready to forgive. That part was the louder of the two. So she just sat there trying to gather her thoughts.

“I’m still angry with you,” was the first thing that came to mind to say.

Angel looked at her for a moment, catching a possible hidden meaning to her statement. “I wouldn’t expect you not to be.”

“You’ll never know how much it hurt when you left like you did.” Her voiced wavered slightly, her eyes misting at the memories.

“I know,” Angel looked down shamefully. “I’ve regretted what I did almost since that day.”

“I wish you would have talked to me,” Buffy spoke in a whisper. “We were in a relationship. We were supposed to make decisions together.”

Angel’s shoulders sagged. He knew what he did was wrong, but it hurt even more to hear her say it.

Buffy watched him intently. She needed to know that he understood. And a small part of her wanted to make him suffer just a little bit.

“I’m sorry,” Angel apologized hoarsely. “Nothing I can do can take back what I did. If I could do it all over, I would not have left like that. But I can’t change anything. I can only say I’m sorry. I know you probably can’t forgive me,” he finished dejectedly.

“I didn’t say that,” Buffy countered quickly, surprised at her own words.

“What?” he responded in astonishment She couldn’t be implying what he thought she was implying. Could she?

Buffy closed her eyes. This was the moment she was dreading. The proverbial ‘moment of truth’. Unable to stay seated any longer, she got off the couch and slowly paced the room. When she had calmed herself a little she spoke.

“I’ll never forget what happened, Angel. It’s just not something I can push out of my mind. But I think...” she trailed and took a deep breath before continuing. “No, I know...that I can forgive you.”

Buffy stopped pacing after finishing her sentence, but kept her back facing Angel. She couldn’t look at him just yet. She was still a little unsure of what she was doing. Could she really open up her heart to him again? Could she take the chance of getting hurt again?

Her eyes closed as she took a few deep breaths. Yes, she could take all those chances. She didn’t want to lose out on the possibility of happiness because she was afraid to give him a second chance. That was what she had realized earlier that day. She wanted a chance at happiness...happiness with Angel.

Angel sat on the couch in shocked stillness, his mouth hanging open. Had he really just heard her say that she could forgive him? He couldn’t possibly have heard that. But he had. She had just opened the door to giving them another chance.

“You can?” he spoke in disbelief.

Buffy turned to face him finally. “Yes.”

He stared at her for a moment, not knowing how to react. “I-I don’t know what to say. I never expected you would forgive me.”

“I’m not saying we can just jump back into what we had before. It’s going to take a while for me to rebuild the trust I had in you,” she told him honestly.

“I know, and I understand. I-I...” Angel stopped speaking, his emotions becoming too hard to control. His eyes grew moist with tears at the realization that Buffy was going to forgive him and let them try again. “I-I’m sorry...I just didn’t expect this. When I didn’t hear anything from you, I thought you hated me.”

Buffy took a step closer to him. “I could never hate you, Angel. I just needed some time to think about everything. I had no idea what I wanted. But I know that I miss you. And this...everything that’s going on with the coma and the memory loss is so hard,” she choked back a sob. “And I wake up everything morning wishing you were with me. That you would just hold me and tell me that everything is going to be okay.”

Angel’s heart broke as he saw the tears streaming down Buffy’s cheeks. Without thinking, he got up off the couch and walked over to her. His arms wrapped around her now shaking form.

Buffy fell into his embrace, instantly feeling safer. Her senses were overwhelmed with the feel of his arms on her body, and the spicy scent of his cologne. She wrapped her arms around his waist, her tears falling rapidly onto his unclothed chest. The stresses of her situation were suddenly overtaking her and the only thing she could do was cry.

His hands soothingly rubbed her back as he gently held her to his body. He hadn’t seen her in a week and had no idea that she was holding in so much because of the coma and memory loss. As her body sagged further against his, he went against his logical reasoning and picked her small body up.

Walking over to the couch, Angel sat with Buffy in his lap. His hands continued to rub her back as he let her release her pain.

“Shh, baby,” he whispered into her ear. “Everything will be okay. I promise.”

“It’s...so...hard, Angel,” she said between sobs. “There’s so much I don’t know. I hate it.”

“I know. I wish I could promise you that will get back all the memories, but I can’t. But I can promise you that I will be there for you,” he assured her, lifting her chin to look into her eyes as he spoke so that she would know he was serious.

Buffy tucked her head back down onto Angel’s chest. She wanted to believe his words, but she was still afraid. So she just continued to cry, taking comfort in his embrace.

Finally, after almost twenty minutes, her sobs quieted.

“I’m sorry for crying all over you,” she apologized softly, wiping at the wetness on his bare chest.

“I didn’t mind at all,” he answered with the half grin that she loved.

Buffy smiled weakly in return, feeling exhausted all of a sudden.

Noticing her tiredness, Angel spoke. “I should get you home so you can get some sleep. How did you get here anyway?”

“I had Xander bring me over,” she explained with a yawn.

“Come on, I’ll drive you home. Your Mom, Giles and Willow must be wondering where you are,” he stated, hating that he would have to let her out of his arms.

“No one’s home. Mom and Giles are away until tomorrow, and Willow went up to LA with Oz for some gig that the band had,” she told him, snuggling deeper into his arms. The last thing she wanted to do was leave him, not after it had taken her so long to come to him.

“Oh,” he muttered, not liking the idea of leaving her alone at the house.

“I want to stay here with you,” Buffy mumbled against his skin, knowing full well that staying with Angel was rushing things a little.

“You do?” he asked, surprised.

“Yeah,” she whispered, her arms holding him tighter. “Could you just hold me until I fall asleep?”

Angel smiled at her. “I would love to.”

“What are you doing?” she asked when Angel started to get off the couch with her in his arms.

“I don’t think the couch would be very comfortable to sleep on. We should go into my bedroom,” he explained as he stood up, still holding Buffy.

“Oh, okay,” yawned Buffy, resting her head on Angel’s chest.

Angel carried her into his room and laid her gently on his bed. Buffy snuggled underneath the covers as Angel went into the bathroom and changed into a pair of sweatpants. When he return he crawled into the bed next to Buffy and pulled her body against his, wrapping his arms tenderly around her.

“Thank you,” Buffy mumbled before drifting off to sleep.

“You’re welcome,” he answered although he knew she was already asleep.

The sight of Buffy in his arms, in his bed, caused Angel to stay awake long after Buffy had fallen asleep. It was almost too much to believe. When he had woken up this morning he hadn’t expected this at all. But he was so very glad that it had happened. Having Buffy back in his arms was a dream come true.

“I love you,” Angel whispered softly and kissed her forehead before he too drifted off to sleep, a happy smile playing on his lips.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^
Part 16 – Strange Encounters
^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

~two weeks later~

Buffy stared into the mirror in her bathroom at her reflection. A soft smile shown on her lips, as it had for the past two weeks, ever since the night she had gone to Angel. Her smile grew as she thought of him. They’d spent the last two weeks getting to know each other once again, which was a little tough considering Buffy’s condition.

Their relationship wasn’t back to what it has once been, no where near. There were still awkward moments, and the level of trust was still missing, but they were together and they were working their way back to one another. Most of the time they spent together was just used to talk.

Angel had done most of the talking, actually. He told her all about his years in college, his attempts to move on, and his complete failure in doing so. It had hurt her to hear that he’d been with other women, but she was comforted by the knowledge that in the end, he’d come back to her.

So far, the level of intimacy in their renewed relationship was at a minimum. They’d only shared a few innocent kisses. And although Angel had shared her bed more than a few times in the past two weeks, nothing had happened between them. It was a relief to her, in a way.

Her mind was still in too much of a state of confusion to engage in that type of intimacy. It was still a daily struggle dealing with the fact that four years worth of events were missing from her memory. And she still had a great deal of suspicion that the others were hiding things from her, even Angel. But she didn’t push. She wasn’t quite sure if she wanted to know what they were hiding. If it was bad enough to keep from her, then maybe she really didn’t want to know.

Having Angel back in her life, though, had made things so much better. He would hold her as she cried and take her anger over stupid things like not remembering where something in the house was. Almost every day he would come to the house straight from work and spent hours with her, sometimes staying through the night. Buffy couldn’t help but be glad that she had gone to him that night two weeks ago.

She glanced at herself in the mirror again. Her skin was started to tan nicely from the days spent at the beach recently with the gang, and her face had lost the sallow, gaunt look to it due to Angel’s determinedness to get her to take better care of herself. He could be a bit over protective, but she didn’t mind all that much.

Grabbing her sweater, Buffy left her bathroom and headed downstairs. Willow had called the gang over, saying she needed to tell them all something. Buffy had no idea what the meeting was about, she just hopped that everything was okay with her best friend.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

Fifteen minutes later the entire gang was present in the living room at the Giles’ house. Willow and Oz sat together on the loveseat. Angel was seated in a plush chair with Buffy cradled in his lap, and Xander and Cordelia sat side by side on the larger couch in the room.

Willow’s gaze landed on Buffy and Angel for a moment. She couldn’t have been happier for her two friends. They were meant for each other. When Angel had left like he did five years earlier it hadn’t made sense to any of them and she hated Angel for hurting Buffy as he had. She knew his reasons now, and although they weren’t the best, she could somewhat understand why he did it. She was just happy that they had found their way back to each other.

Xander’s words interrupted her internal thoughts. “So, Willster, what’s the big meeting for?”

She didn’t answer immediately, instead glancing over to Oz. He nodded his head almost imperceptibly to her. So she focused her attention back onto her friends.

“Umm, Oz and I have something to tell all of you,” she spoke nervously.

Both Buffy and Cordelia looked at her curiously while the two men just looked to their friends. Willow fidgeted under their stares as she gathered her thoughts.

“Well, are you going to tell us?” Cordelia asked bluntly.

“Umm, yeah. Well, you know that I haven’t been feeling that great lately, and that I’ve been sleeping a lot...” she trailed off, not able to get the rest out.

“Oh my God! Are you sick?” Buffy shrieked, suddenly worried for Willow.

“Uhh, not exactly,” Willow answered. She took a deep breath and clasped one of Oz’s hands into hers. “I’m pregnant.”

The entire group stared in her in total shock. None of them had been expecting what they had just been told. And it was just a little weird to hear that two of their friends were going to have a baby and be parents.

Xander was the first to come out of his daze to speak. “Wow...that’s...wow. Congratulations!”

“I’m so happy for you!” Cordelia told them as she gave Willow a hug. “We are going to have tons and tons of shopping to do!”

Everyone laughed at that statement. Cordy was always looking for a reason to shop.

“Congratulations,” Buffy spoke softly, lost in thought.

“Yes, to both of you,” agreed Angel, his own thoughts drifting to images of Buffy carrying his child.

“So you guys are okay with this?” Willow questioned, looking at the group.

“Yeah, why wouldn’t we be?” Cordy asked with a scowl.

“Well, you know how some people can get when it comes to young people getting pregnant, especially when they aren’t married,” Willow shrugged. She was just happy that all of her friends seemed to be taking the news well.

“Are you guys okay with it?” Angel posed to both Willow and Oz.

“We weren’t expecting or planning it, but we’re not unhappy with it,” Oz explained with a smile to Willow.

“Yeah, I mean, we always said we wanted children, just later on. But sometimes Fate has other plans,” Willow furthered, her hand drifting to her abdomen that would soon be expanding with Oz’s child. “So you guys are really okay with this?”

The gang all chimed in and vowed their support for the couple, although there was one member of the group that was quieter than the rest. If anyone noticed, they didn’t say anything. Instead they all continued to chat for the next half hour.

After Oz and Willow had left to go see Oz’s parents, Cordelia and Xander left to return to their apartment that they shared which left Buffy and Angel alone in the living room.

“You okay?” Angel questioned when he saw Buffy looking a little pale.

“Yeah, I just have and upset stomach,” she told him. Her stomach was suddenly churning for no apparent reason.

Angel frowned. “We don’t have to go out to dinner if you don’t want to,” he offered, reminding her of their plans to have a quiet dinner for two out at their favorite restaurant.

“No,” Buffy smiled weakly. “I still want to go.”

Angel watched as she got off the couch and had to steady herself by grabbing its arm. He couldn’t help but be worried about her. She had been doing so well the past week and it looked like she was relapsing a little. But if she wanted to still go out, he would take her. He could never say no to her. At least not anymore.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

Their dinner was eaten mostly in silence, but not an uncomfortable one. Mostly they were just enjoying their quiet time together at their favorite Italian restaurant. Angel could tell, though, that there was something bothering Buffy. But he wasn’t sure if he should ask her about it.

His concern finally got the best of him. “Are you okay Buffy?”

“Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. I guess so,” she shrugged noncommittally.

“Are you sure?” he repeated, knowing that she had something on her mind.

“Yeah....it’s....it’s just that I have this strange feeling of déjà vu. I don’t know about what. I just can’t get the feeling out of my head,” she explained, trying to figure out herself what was going on.

Angel looked at her, wondering what she meant. What could be giving her déjà vu? Was it possible that her memories were starting to worm their way back into her consciousness? He wanted to press her further, but wasn’t sure if it was the right thing to do.

“Do you want to go home?” he asked her while taking her small hand into his, stroking his thumb across her palm.

“No,” she sighed as she gave up trying to figure out what was bothering her. “This is our night out, I don’t want to ruin it.”

“Ok, if you insist,” he smiled at her. “Should we order some dessert?”

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

A little while later the two were happily sharing a delectable dessert when their peace was interrupted by a seeming stranger.

“Buffy Summers? Is that you?” the new voice questioned as he walked up to the table.

“Umm, yeah, that’s me,” Buffy answered, wondering who this guy was. He looked strangely familiar.

“Wow, it’s been a long time,” he stated with a small leer towards Buffy, completely ignoring Angel.

“And you are,” Angel gritted out, disgusted by the way this jerk was ogling his girlfriend.

“Parker Abrams,” the man stuck out his hand to Angel.

“Angel Malloy,” Angel stated, shaking the man’s hand firmly.

Buffy nervously fidgeted in her seat. It wasn’t lost on her the way he was perusing her body. Who the hell was this guy? She searched her memory but she couldn’t remember him or anything about him, but there was a sense that she should know him. Had she been friends with him or something the past four years?

Parker studied Angel for a minute, checking the guy out. “So this is the new guy, huh?” he laughed crudely.

“What’s that supposed to mean,” Angel narrowed his eyes at the jerk in front of him.

“Nothing, man. Just a question,” Parker said simply, not seeing anything wrong with his actions.

“Well, then to answer your question, yes I am the new, or I guess you could say, old guy,” Angel answered sharply wondering how this guy knew Buffy.

Buffy watched the scene before her. Her head was started to spin, making her feel incredibly dizzy. She reached up and placed a hand on her head, hoping to quell the throbbing ache beginning to form.

“Some advice, buddy, on sweet little Buffy, here,” smirked Parker with a glance to Buffy. “The word is stamina. I mean, definitely a bunny in the sack, but later on, well. You know the difference between a freshman girl and a toilet seat? A toilet seat doesn't follow you around after you use it,” he finished with a chuckle.

Angel shot out of his seat the second the words left the jerk’s mouth. His fist pulled back to punch the asshole when he realized they were in the middle of a restaurant. He quickly stopped himself. The last thing he wanted to do was upset Buffy any more than this guy, Parker, already had.

“Leave, now,” Angel gritted out angrily, standing up to his full height in front of Parker.

“Hey, chill out, man. Just giving some friendly advice between us guys,” Parker stated, taking a step away from the glaring man.

“Leave!” Angel ordered. To his relief, the Parker guy turned and walked away. When he looked back to Buffy he was shocked at what he saw.

Buffy was still seated at the table, but every ounce of color had drained from her face and tears steadily streamed down her cheeks. Angel stared in alarm He knew what the guy had said was awful but he hadn’t thought she would take it that badly.

“Buffy?” he stated worriedly.

But she didn’t hear him. Her hands began to shake uncontrollably. The fork she’d been tightly grasping in her left hand suddenly dropped and clanked onto the plate in front of her.

“Oh my God,” she whispered to herself hoarsely as images plagued her mind.

Angel began to move to her side. “Buffy, baby, what’s wrong?”

Her eyes shot up as she heard him this time. Instead of responding, she leapt out of her chair, knocking it over in the process. She stumbled slightly, and looked at Angel for a second before turning and dashing out of the restaurant, her sobs resonating to everyone present.

“Buffy!” Angel shouted, but she was already out the door.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

AN: A line quoted in Part 16 was from the season 4 ep ‘The Initiative’.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^
Part 17 – From Parker, With Love
^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

The sudden fleeing of his girlfriend shocked Angel into stillness momentarily. What the hell had just happened? Could that bastard’s cruel words have upset her that much? Finally snapping back into the present, Angel started to move to leave the restaurant. He stopped quickly, pulling out his wallet. He tossed a few bills onto the table before running out of the restaurant after Buffy.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

Buffy was sprinting down the sidewalk away from the restaurant. She needed to be anywhere, somewhere. She needed air. Her foot caught on a crack in the pavement and she fell to the ground with a thud. The pain didn’t even register into consciousness.

Images flooded her mind in a swirling mass of confusion. She grabbed her head, whispering the word ‘stop’ to herself. Her stomach twisted into knots as she wretched its contents onto the sidewalk in front of her.

Weakly, she pulled herself to her feet, ignoring the blood trailing down her leg from the fresh gash on her knee. Tears and confusion blurred her vision as she stood. She steadied herself by grasping onto a sign post on the edge of the sidewalk.

Angel’s voice shouting her name not far away spurred her back into action. She couldn’t see him, couldn’t talk to him, couldn’t look him in the eye knowing what she now knew. She shoved herself away from the sign post and once again took off in a sprint.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

Angel rounded the corner of the building and stopped. Buffy was no where to be found. He had no idea where she went. He could be going in the complete opposite direction for all he knew.

Looking in all directions, Angel tried to figure out where Buffy would go. His mind also replayed what had happened in the restaurant. Every thing the Parker guy had said was repeated in his mind.

If what the guy had said was true then Buffy had obviously been with him. Was that what had upset her so much? Possibly. But to cause her to run out of the restaurant and away from him? That seemed a bit severe. There had to be something else.

Angel tried to remember the conversation he had with Willow right after returning to Sunnydale. The one where she had told him all that had happened to Buffy while he was gone. Was what had happened tonight related to something Willow had told him? He tried to remember, but the conversation had been so long ago and he had been so out of it from finding out that Buffy was in a coma that he couldn’t think of anything.

All he knew was that something that guy had either said or done, or maybe both, had caused Buffy’s actions. She had been relatively fine until that jerk showed up. If he ever saw that rat bastard again he wouldn’t hold back on beating his scrawny ass.

Shaking his head, Angel forced the violent thoughts out of his mind. Right now he needed to find Buffy. And fast. She was in no condition to be by herself. He was amazed as it was that her remaining physical weakness had allowed her to run away as she had.

He stood there in the middle of the sidewalk trying to figure out where she would go. The realization dawned on him suddenly. There was one place she would always go when she needed to be alone, or when they wanted some quiet time together. As he took off running, Angel hoped he was right and that was where she was.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

She stared unfocused at the wild, untamed flowers twinning their way around the forsaken garden. She hadn’t even realized where she was going until she arrived there. The there being the old, abandoned mansion on Crawford Street.

She’d discovered the place not long after moving to Sunnydale while out walking one day. Since then it had become a bit of a safe haven for her. Whenever she was stressed, or upset she’d go there, and then later it became her and Angel’s secret spot. She’d even once told him that she planned on buying and restoring the place someday.

Her knees buckled as the images continued to assault her senses. Tears streamed down her cheeks unchecked leaving mascara darkened trails across her skin. But she could have cared less about her appearance at that moment.

Unable to stand any longer, Buffy collapsed to the ground. Her back rested against the empty fountain as she pulled her knees up to her chest. She absentmindedly swiped at the drying blood crusting around the closing gash on her leg before resting her head against her knees. Sobs shook her body as she rocked back and forth on the cold stone underneath her.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

That was how Angel found her almost fifteen minutes later when he arrived at the mansion. Relief coursed through him from the fact that he’d guessed right on where she would go. His eyes watered at the sight of her shaking body on the ground. He approached slowly, she obviously hadn’t noticed his presence yet. Should he say anything? He didn’t want to have her run off again.

He cautiously moved toward her, coming to a stop directly in front of her body. She gave no sign that she was aware he was there. Silently, he crouched at her feet. He wanted to take her into his arms, but didn’t think it wise.

“Buffy?” he spoke as softly and gently as possible. When he received no response he placed a hand onto hers which were clasped around her legs.

Buffy’s head shot up at the touch. Her eyes widened when she saw Angel kneeling in front of her. Quickly, she scrambled away from him and came to her feet. She backed away from him as he stood also.

“Buffy, baby, please...tell me what’s wrong,” he pleaded, heartbroken over the look in her eyes and her actions.

She continued to back away from him, obeying the urge to flee. Her eyes darted around the garden looking for the best way to escape.

“Buffy,” Angel took a step closer. “Baby, whatever it is, you can tell me. You can always tell me anything.”

Her movements stopped at his last words. Could she tell him? Could she really tell him?

Would he hate her? Would he be disgusted? She looked into his eyes and saw the love shining in them. How could she tell him what she now knew?

Angel sensed that he was starting to get through to her. He took yet another step toward her. “Please, baby, talk to me.”

She stared at him momentarily before closing her eyes. Her hands trembled as she tried to piece the images into a more cohesive memory. More tears streamed down her cheeks as events played out in her mind. Slowly, her eyes opened, pained radiated out of them as she once again looked to Angel.

“I remember,” she spoke in a choked whisper.

“What do you remember, sweetie?” he asked as softly as possible, not wanting to frighten her. He was fearing whatever she was about to tell him. It obviously wasn’t good judging by her condition.

“I-I...I...,” she stopped speaking and tried to calm her raging emotions. “I don’t know where to start.”

“Just start at the beginning, take as long as you need. I’ll be here for you,” he reassured her.

Buffy paced for a moment, her memory still a bit fractured and confused. “It was sophomore year, n-not long after it s-started. I met h-h...him.”

“Parker?” Angel prodded slightly.

“Yeah. I bumped into h-him in the dorms one day. He s-seemed so n-nice. H-he was and upper classmen, and I-I couldn’t believe he n-noticed me,” she paced a few more steps and wiped at tears in her eyes. “W-we started hanging out a-a lot.”

Angel saw her eyes look to him as if she was afraid he would angry that she had gone out with someone else. He walked to her and took her hands into his, warming her clammy skin. “It’s okay, baby. I’m not angry.”

“We went o-out for a few weeks. T-then one night I went back to his dorm room with him...,” she couldn’t finish the sentence. She didn’t want to say the words out loud.

Angel nodded his head in understanding, knowing it was hard for her to talk about and seeing the pain in her eyes.

“The n-next m-morning, he was acting a l-little weird, but I b-brushed it off,” the tears fell harder from her eyes at the memory. “Then l-later when I tried to t-talk to him, he...he...”

Pulling her into his arms, he soothingly rubbed her back. “Shh, baby. It’s okay.”

“He...he said it was fun. That....that was all it was. Fun,” she sobbed into Angel’s chest. “I-I couldn’t believe he’d d-do that.”

Rage flared in Angel that someone could do that to any woman, let alone Buffy. Who the hell did this guy think he was?

“I w-was crushed. I-I didn’t want to talk to a-anybody,” she mumbled, shuttering as the images, fresh in her memory, replayed in her mind. “Then...then...”

Angel pulled away slightly and lifted her chin to look into her eyes. He had a sinking suspicion that he knew what was about to come. “Then what, baby?”

“T-then a f-few weeks later....I-I realized I-I w-was pregnant,” the last word was barely audible as her tears fell harder.

His shoulders sagged at the brutal revelation that he had suspected but not really wanted to hear. And he had an overwhelming need to kill the son of a bitch who was responsible. He took a moment to calm himself before looking back into Buffy’s eyes. He had a feeling he already knew what had happened.

“Oh Buffy, baby. I’m so sorry,” he soothed, raising a hand to brush away some of her tears, but more only fell.

“I-I was so scared,” continued Buffy, almost not hearing Angel’s words. She couldn’t stop now. “I d-didn’t know what to do. B-but, I-I don’t know. I was h-happy. Part of m-me was happy. I h-had a helpless l-little life g-growing in me.”

She stepped out of Angel’s arms and he reluctantly let her go. Not knowing what to say, he just let her continue to talk.

“I didn’t tell a-anyone. I-I knew what they’d t-think. How d-disappointed they’d b-be,” her voice trembled as she spoke, her legs moving her unconsciously around the darkened garden. “I-I couldn’t help but l-love it. It was m-my b-bay. I-I knew I had to tell P-Parker.”

Angel’s eyes narrowed. If that arrogant little fuck... “Did he hurt you?” he growled out.

Buffy jumped slightly at his tone. “N-no. N-not physically. I went to his dorm, t-to talk to h-him. I r-ran into him in the hallway. H-he tried i-ignore me. S-so I just told him...a-about the b-baby. H-he...”

“What did he do?” Angel asked, managing to make his voice sound calm when inside he was raging.

“He l-laughed at me. T-told m-me that I-I was j-just a whore. That i-it couldn’t be h-his because he used p-protection. B-but I told him t-that I h-hadn’t been with anybody e-else. He laughed at m-me again and s-said it was m-my problem n-not h-his. H-he just w-walked a-way,” she finished at a whisper, sobs beginning to shudder throughout her body again.

“That stupid fucking bastard!” Angel nearly screamed, unable to contain his anger.

Buffy continued as if he hadn’t spoken at all. She was too lost in her memories. “I-I couldn’t believe h-he’d act like t-that. I w-was s-so upset. I j-just ran. H-he lived on the s-second floor s-so I h-had to g-go down the s-stairs.”

Angels eyes widened as he realized what she was about to say. He took a few steps toward her.

“I-I don’t know what e-exactly happened. I-I g-guess I t-tripped. I-I fell d-down the stairs,” she choked out, her eyes closing at the memory.

“Oh God, B-Buffy,” Angel choked out, his heart twisting in pain at what she must have gone through.

“I t-thought I was f-fine. N-nothing h-hurt too b-bad so I-I just got u-up and started t-to walk b-back to m-my d-dorm,” she whispered, tears flowing steadily down her face. “B-but halfway t-there...the p-pain was s-so b-bad. S-somehow I-I made it t-to the campus m-medical c-center.”

“You lost the baby,” said Angel out loud.

Buffy looked up at him, the sadness emanating from her eyes almost crushed him. “Y-yes.”

“Oh, Buffy,” he whispered, feeling her pain within his own heart.

“I-it was m-my b-baby. My baby,” she repeated, her arms moving to wrap around her abdomen. “My b-baby. A-and t-then it w-was g-gone. M-my b-baby was g-gone.”

Salty tears now trailed down Angel’s cheeks. Seeing Buffy like this was almost too much for him to handle. He had no idea what to do, no idea how to comfort her.

“I-I loved i-it. I l-loved my b-baby. A-and I-I l-lost it,” she sobbed, holding her arms around her midsection tighter.

Panic mounted in Angel as her eyes suddenly rolled back into her head. He steps were a second too slow and he helplessly watched as she collapsed to the ground.

“Buffy!” he screamed in horror as he knelt down next to her motionless body.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^
Part 18 – Guilt Revisited
^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

Back and forth Angel paced across the floor in the waiting room at the hospital. He’d been doing it for the past fifteen minutes since arriving in the emergency room. His hands were still shaking from fear at seeing Buffy collapse. There was nothing worse than the utterly helpless feeling he’d had at watching her fall to the ground and being unable to do anything to help her.

Once the momentary shock had passed, he’d rushed to her side, scooping her up in his arms and trying to awaken her. When she didn’t come to after a few minutes, he’d quickly run all the way to the hospital with her cradled in his arms. And now he was pacing the waiting room waiting for news on her condition.

With the recent turn of events, Angel hadn’t even had a chance to contemplate what Buffy had remembered and revealed to him before her collapse. He briefly wondered when it was their lives had turned into some twisted soap opera. Things like what had happened to Buffy didn’t happen to normal people...did they?

With the sound of the waiting room door opening, Angel’s head shot up, hoping someone was coming to give him and update. Instead his eyes met with the worried faces of Buffy’s family and friends.

“Angel! What happened? Is Buffy all right?” Joyce panted, worry etched on her face.

“I-I don’t know. The doctors are with her. No one has been in to update me since they took her back,” Angel explained, running a hand through his hair.

“What happened?” Giles asked as he placed a comforting hand on Joyce’s shoulder.

“She seemed fine earlier,” added in Willow from her spot next to Oz. The two had just returned from LA when they had received Angel’s phone call about Buffy.

“She....she...” Angel sighed, trying to figure out what exactly he should tell them, not knowing what Buffy would want them to know. “Some of her memories returned. They weren’t....happy...memories. I guess it was too much for her to take and she fainted”

“Oh my God! The attack?” Joyce whispered, tears in her eyes.

“No, it wasn’t the attack. At least I don’t think so,” frowned Angel, realizing that he didn’t know what else Buffy had remembered. They all looked at him, waiting for him to explain what memories, then, had returned.

“What did she remember?” Xander questioned. What could have been so bad, if it wasn’t the attack, that it caused her to collapse?

“She,” started Angel, but then stopped. “I don’t think it’s my place to tell. She’ll have to be the one to tell you. But I will tell you they weren’t good memories.”

Joyce narrowed her eyes and stared at Angel. She was quite unhappy that Angel would not reveal the information that had caused her daughter to relapse. But Angel had no intention whatsoever of breaking Buffy’s trust even though she had never said not to tell anyone. It was her decision to make, though, if her friends and family were to know.

Angel went to open his mouth to further state that it was not his place to tell them when the door to the room opened again. This time it Buffy’s doctor who entered.

“How is she?” Joyce pleaded to the doctor.

“Mr. and Mrs. Giles,” greeted the doctor, and then nodded to the others. “The ER phoned me after she arrived since I am familiar with her case-“

“Just tell us if she is okay!” demanded Giles as he cut off the doctors words.

“She will be fine,” he told them, receiving a relieved sigh from the entire group.

“Oh, thank God,” sobbed Joyce, burying her head against her husband while the others hugged each other. Angel found himself unable to stand any longer and fell haphazardly into a chair.

“According to Angel,” the doctor begin, looking toward a now seated Angel. “Some distressing memories returned to Buffy tonight. Between the emotional stress of those memories, and her still weak physical condition, it just overwhelmed her system and she passed out.”

“But she will be okay?” Angel asked hoarsely, relief sweeping through him.

“Yes, she will be okay with a few days rest. She woke up while I was checking her over, but I gave her a mild sedative as well as something to help her sleep. We also gave her some fluids by IV. I’d say it’s best to keep her here overnight, but I think it would be better for her to awaken tomorrow in her own room,” he told them, knowing of Buffy’s fear of hospitals from her family.

“Yes, that probably would be best,” agreed Giles, still holding Joyce in his arms.

“I also suggest you contact her psychologist first thing in the morning. The return of some, or possible all, or her memories has obviously been quite a shock to her, she is going to need someone to help her deal with those,” the doctor explained.

“Yes, of course. We will do whatever necessary.” Giles replied.

“Good. I will prepare the paper work for her release and then you can take her home. She should sleep through the night from the medication I administered,” he relayed as he started to walk out of the room with the entire group following.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

Angel sat in Buffy’s darkened room watching her sleep. She’d not waken up once during the trip from the hospital to the house. Thankfully, she seemed to be sleeping peacefully, whether that was from the medication or her exhaustion, he didn’t know.

So now, he was just sitting in her room, watching her. The others had finally gone to sleep twenty minutes earlier. Everyone was reluctant to leave in case she woke up, but eventually, they had. They were all staying at the house though. Willow and Oz were in their room, and Giles and Joyce had offered a guest room to Cordy and Xander.

Angel was relieved to finally have some time to himself. He hadn’t had a chance to think about all that he had learned that night. It was mind boggling. His heart broke for what Buffy had been through. To be used, tossed aside, and then find out you were pregnant. It had to have been horrible for her.

But it was even worse than that. From what Buffy had told him, it seemed that she had accepted the baby, even wanted it to a certain degree. And then even that was cruelly taken from her.

This new knowledge answered a lot of questions. At least in his mind it did. It had never made sense to him that, according to Willow, Buffy had gotten mixed up in an abusive relationship. The Buffy he knew would have never stayed with a man who hurt her.

‘The Buffy he knew’...that was the key phrase there. The Buffy he knew was the shy, yet outgoing, happy teenager. But she’d been broken. First with him breaking up with her and leaving, then Parker’s treatment of her, and then losing the baby. Her inner spirit had been trampled and destroyed. That Buffy was the one who had gotten into a harmful relationship.

Everything made so much more sense now. And he hated it. Everything that had happened to Buffy could be traced back to what he had done five years earlier. He’d started her downfall. If he hadn’t left she wouldn’t have gone out with Parker, wouldn’t have lost her baby, and wouldn’t have been emotionally dead.

It was all his fault. He’d permanently scarred the one person he loved most in this world. How would she ever forgive him for all that he had caused?

Angel slumped back in his chair at that thought. They’d come so far the last two weeks, rebuilding what they once had. And now it was about to all come crumbling down. He was sure that she was going to hate him once she realized that everything that had happened to her was his fault.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

For nearly five minutes, Buffy stared at her hands, trying to gather the courage to do what she was about to do. She knew they were all watching her, waiting for the words to come out of her mouth. But she just couldn’t seem to make herself speak.

From the moment she had woken up that morning, memories of the evening before washing over her immediately, she had known that this moment was coming. She would have to tell them what had happened all those years ago. None of them even suspected any of it, she knew that for sure.

Most of the morning she’d been able to put it off. The doctor had come by first thing in the morning to check on her, and then everyone else had had to see for themselves that she was fine. But she was anything but fine, in her head at least.

Still, she would have to tell them. It was time to stop running from her problems.

“Umm, what did Angel tell you?” she finally asked, lifting her head slightly to look at her friends and family.

“He told us that some of your memories returned last night,” Joyce said supportively. She hated seeing her daughter in so much pain.

“Y-yeah. They did,” Buffy stuttered slightly, the images still hard to handle.

“Whatever it is, Buffy, you know you can tell us. We’re your friends. We’ll always be there for you,” Willow stated gently. It was obvious to her that whatever Buffy had to tell them was scaring her friend.

“I know,” sighed Buffy. She knew they would be, just as they would have been when it had happened if she had only told them.

“We went out to dinner last night,” she began, taking a glance to Angel. He smiled reassuringly at her, but there was a look in his eyes that worried her. She would have to talk to him later. “We were almost done eating when this guy showed up and talked to me. I had no idea who he was. He said his name was Parker Abrams.”

Willow and Cordelia both gasped at the mention of the guy’s name, knowing that he was the man who had used their friend for sex.

“Yeah, him, of all people...” trailed off Buffy. “He...he said some stuff. I don’t know how or why it happened, but all the sudden all the i-images, memories, started appearing in my head.”

“Who is this Parker?” Giles cut in, not knowing the name.

Buffy looked at her friends, seeing the compassion on their faces, and then to her Mom and Giles. Her friends knew that Parker had used her, but not about the pregnancy that had resulted. Her parents, however, didn’t know anything about him.

“H-he was someone I, uh, went out with...”started Buffy slowly, a tear sliding down her cheek as the memories once again overwhelmed her.

Willow and Cordelia moved to sit next to Buffy, offering their support to their friend. Both were internally wondering what it was they were about to hear, but it wasn’t lost on either of them that whatever it was related to Parker. It had been after Buffy’s experience with him that she had changed drastically.

For the next half hour, the group listened as Buffy told them everything: meeting Parker, sleeping with him, what he had done afterwards, how hurt she had been, then finding out she was pregnant, how Parker had reacted, and then losing the baby. They listened in shock and awe as they heard a story that they had never even suspected before.

Not a dry eye remained as Buffy finished by telling them about being told she had miscarried. Willow and Cordelia hugged her tightly, Joyce cried on Giles’ shoulder, and all the men in the room looked as if they wanted to hunt Parker down and castrate him.

Everyone was silent for a minute. No one really knew what to say. They had never expected what Buffy had told them. She had been through so much and they hadn’t known about it. Never even suspected it.

Willow was the first to break the silence. “That was when you disappeared?”

“Yeah,” Buffy answered weakly. She was exhausted from reliving the horrible events again.

“We never knew,” Cordelia whispered softly.

“Oh Buffy,” Joyce sobbed while pulling her daughter into a hug.

“I’m sorry I never told any of you,” Buffy apologized, not meeting the eyes of anyone present. “I-I...I didn’t know how to tell you and then...”

Tears flowed down Buffy’s cheeks as she remembered her lost child. Even years later it was still hard to deal with. And with the memories being so fresh in her mind at the moment it was even harder.

“You know we would have stuck by you, right?” Xander spoke for the first time.

“I know,” her tears fell harder. “I was just so confused. And t-then....and then after, it’s all a blur. I...I was just so lost.”

Joyce, Willow and Cordelia gathered Buffy in their arms as her sobs increased. Xander, Giles and Oz stood back and watched, sadness radiating off them. Angel found himself unable to move. He wanted to be there comforting her, but the voice in his head was still telling him that he was responsible for all this. So he just stood there, longing to hold her, but believing that she must hate him.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

An hour later, after talking more with her friends and family, Buffy found herself in her room with only Angel remaining. She was thoroughly exhausted from the emotionally draining conversation.

Her gaze drifted to Angel, who seemed to be wary of approaching her. She wondered why he seemed to be afraid of her all the sudden. Things had been going so well between them and now he wouldn’t come near her.

“I-I guess I’ll leave you alone so you can get some sleep,” Angel said softly, although the last thing he wanted to do was leave.

“You’re leaving?” Buffy whispered, a yawn escaping her mouth.

“You need to get some sleep,” he replied, fighting the need he had to crawl into bed with her.

“Oh,” frowned Buffy. Why did he want to leave her? “Could...could you...”

“Could I, what?” Angel prodded gently.

“Could you just hold me until I fall asleep,” she requested, looking at him with pleading eyes.

Angel smiled at her even though he was surprised at her question. He really didn’t think she’d want him around after what he had caused to happen to her. “Umm, yeah, sure.”

“Thanks,” Buffy smiled slightly, her eyes already drifting closed as Angel slipped into the bed next to her.

“You’re welcome,” he spoke quietly.

He watched her as she fell into a restless sleep. More than anything he wished he could kiss away the frown that marred her perfect face, but he knew there was nothing he could do. He couldn’t erase all the pain that she’d been through. And now he didn’t even know if she would let him be there to help her through everything. His eyes welled with tears at thought of losing the love of his life once again.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^
Part 19 – It’s Not Your Fault
^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

Angel awoke early the next morning, his subconscious not allowing him to sleep any longer. Glancing to the warm body curled against him, he was happy to find that Buffy was still sleeping soundly. She needed her rest, and he was almost afraid to face her. Afraid to hear her tell him that he was responsible for everything that had happened since he left.

Carefully, he loosened the hold her arms had on his body and climbed out of the bed. His gaze lingered on her still form for a minute. She looked better than she had the night before, but the pain was still etched on her face. Pain that he caused. If he hadn’t left like he did, she would have never slept with that stupid fuck who used her and tossed her aside.

His shoulders sagged as he again remembered all that she had revealed to him and the others the night before. All he had ever wanted was for her to be happy. Was that too much to ask? Would she be happy now if he had never broken up with her?

With a last look toward Buffy, Angel left the room. He was in desperate need of some coffee. Maybe it would help clear his mind. Maybe it would help him think of a way to earn her forgiveness for all that he had caused.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

Walking into the kitchen, Angel was greeted by six sets of eyes staring expectantly at him. He groaned inwardly at the site. He had been hoping for some time alone to brood and digest everything he had recently learned. Obviously, that wasn’t going to happen.

“How is she?” Joyce asked as she poured some cream into her coffee.

“She’s still asleep,” he answered, getting himself a cup of coffee and sitting at the table with the others. “She slept through the whole night.”

“I still can’t believe all this. I never had any idea,” Willow said sadly.

“It makes what’s happened the last few years make more sense, though,” Xander added from his spot next to Cordelia.

“Yes, quite right Xander. And I do hate to bring this up, but there is an issue that has yet to come up,” spoke Giles worriedly as he cleaned his glasses.

The group at the table stared at him, wondering what it exactly he was suggesting. What more could there possibly be to the whole situation?

“The attack,” whispered Willow, suddenly realizing what had yet to be brought up.

“Oh, dear,” exclaimed Joyce.

“She didn’t mention it last night when she talked to us,” Cordelia reminded everyone.

“No, she only mentioned the things with...with Parker,” Angel stumbled over the words. He couldn’t quite find it in himself to mention Buffy and baby in the same sentence yet.

“I hate to put even more stress on her, but we should ask her about it,” Joyce stated with a sigh. When did her daughter’s life get so out of control? What had she, as her mother, done wrong?

“Maybe just one person should ask. I could be wrong, but I don’t think all of us confronting her would help,” chipped in Oz while pouring Willow a glass of juice. He tried to keep her caffeine intake to a minimum knowing how jittery it made her.

Everyone at the table turned to look at Angel who was staring at his hands. When he felt the eyes upon him he looked up at them. “What?”

“You’re the one she responds best to Angel,” Giles explained gently. “Perhaps it would be best if you asked her what else she remembers.”

Angel released a heavy breath and ran a hand through his hair. How was he supposed to talk to her about something like that when he didn’t even know if she would talk to him period? “Sure, I guess I can try.”

“You don’t have to, Angel. Maybe Willow could do it?” Joyce offered. She wished she could be the one to talk to Buffy. But they had never really been that close and she didn’t think Buffy would take to her prodding.

“No, that’s ok. I’ll try,” responded Angel, already worried over the upcoming conversation. “I think I’ll head over to my apartment first, though, and shower and change.”

“Oh, yeah, don’t forget that Buffy’s physical therapist will be here this morning too,” Willow reminded everyone.

“Ok, I’ll be back before he leaves,” answered Angel as he stood up and started to leave the room.

“We better go too. I promised my parents we’d come by today,” said Xander as he and Cordy also got up from the table.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

Buffy sat on the windowseat in her room, staring out at the rain falling outside. Her eyes were blood shot and weary from the stresses of the previous night. Now that the memories of her lost child were back, she couldn’t seem to get them out of her mind.

Her fingers reached up to trace the raindrops hitting the window. The weather fit her mood. The heavy drops of water falling outside matching the tears that were again falling down her cheeks.

What would her child be like now, at around three years of age? Would it have been a boy or a girl? What would he or she have looked like? She knew it wasn’t good for her to wonder such things, but she couldn’t help it.

The silent maudlin musings were interrupted by a knock on the door. Buffy looked up to find Riley standing there with his typical goofy smile on his face. She groaned internally, not wanting to deal with her dorky physical therapist, and certainly not in the mood to do any exercises.

“Hi Riley,” she said dully.

“Hey Buffy,” Riley greeted as he walked toward her. “Your Mom said you might not be up for your session today.”

Buffy looked at him for a moment. Something about him bugged the Hell out of her but she couldn’t figure out why. “No, not really. I’m sorry you came all the way here.”

“That’s okay. It’s not that far of a drive,” he said with a smile. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, I guess,” she shrugged in response. “Some of my memories decided to make themselves known last night.”

“Oh,” stated Riley, his frown not noticed by Buffy. “Okay, then. I guess I will see you on Monday.”

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

An hour or so later Angel entered Buffy’s room thinking that she would be in the exercise room with Riley doing her physical therapy. He was surprised to find her sitting on the windowseat with her forehead pressed against the glass. The fingers on her left hand were lightly tracing patterns in the portion of the glass fogged up by her warm breath.

He stood and stared for a minute before finally speaking. “Hey.”

Buffy turned her head to gaze at him, a small smile gracing her face at seeing Angel. “Hey. You’re back.”

“Yeah. I thought Riley was coming today,” he stated his confusion over the missing physical therapist.

“Oh, yeah. He was here, but I wasn’t feeling up to working out today,” she shrugged, standing up from her seated position.

She frowned as she looked at Angel. He seemed to be avoiding looking directly at her for some reason. That was definitely very un-Angel-like. He’d been acting weird since her revelations the night before. Was he disgusted by her now that he new the truth?

“Angel?” she asked and waited for him to finally look at her. “What’s wrong?”

“Wrong?” Angel repeated, not knowing what she was referring to.

“Why won’t you look at me? You act like you don’t want to be here.” The last part was spoken in a whisper, her fears that Angel was disgusted with her getting the best of her.

“I...uh...I-I..” he stumbled, casting his eyes downwards.

“You hate me, don’t you?” she stated, a tear leaking out of one of her eyes.

“What? No! No, I don’t hate you, Buffy!” Angel spoke adamantly. How could she possibly think he hated her?

Frustrated by his actions, Buffy walked to stand right in front of him and stared in to his face. Angel met her eyes for only a moment before turning away.

“Then why can’t you look me in the eyes?!?” she nearly shouted in anger.

“I...I...it’s hard for me to...look at you...knowing what you must think of me,” he answered softly, taking a few steps away from the insistent heat radiating off her body. He wished he could just sweep her into his arms and make love to her, but he didn’t understand how she could even stand to be in the same room as him.

Buffy gaped at him in confusion, her eyebrows pressing downwards from the force of her frown. “What are you talking about?”

“How can you even look at me or be around me after what I’ve done to you?” he screamed, his emotions surging and taking control.

“What you’ve done to me?” she repeated slowly. “I don’t understand. You haven’t done anything.”

“Yes I have!” Angel yelled, finally facing her. “If it wasn’t for me and what I did none of what’s happened to you the last few years would have happened.”

“Because of what you did? Angel, you’re not making any sense,” she stated in confusion. She honestly had no idea what he was talking about. He had nothing to do with her problems.

“Everything, Buffy, everything that’s happened to you is because of me. If I hadn’t left you, if I hadn’t made you think I didn’t love you, none of it would have happened,” he choked back a sob as he finished. He knew in his heart that he was to blame her for her pain and trauma.

“Because of...” she trailed off, the reason for Angel’s distance finally clicking into place. “No! No, Angel. This...what’s happened to me, is not your fault!”

Angel stared at her as if she’d grown another head. How could she possible not see how this was all his fault? It was obscenely obvious to him. She would have never gotten into the situations she had without hit monumental screw up.

“It is!” he shouted forcefully. “If I hadn’t left you, you would never have gone out with that sleazeball and you wouldn’t have had to go through losing a baby.”

Quiet descended in the room after Angel’s words. Buffy was trying to think of what to say to him to tell him it wasn’t his fault. She knew there was a certain logic to his reasoning. But she didn’t blame him. He hadn’t forced her to make the choices she had.

Buffy stepped up in front of him again raising her hand to rest her palm on his cheek. She lifted his downward cast eyes to look at her.

“It’s not your fault, Angel,” she said softly and sincerely. “It is not your fault.”

“Yes, it is!” he sobbed defiantly, the tears he’d been holding back now falling down his cheeks.

“No, Angel, it’s not,” she comforted, brushing at the tears with her thumb. “We don’t know would have happened if things had gone differently with us all those years ago. I had a lot of time to think this morning. I made my own choices, Angel. I chose to sleep with Parker. I chose to push my friends away. You didn’t make me do those things.”

“But you wouldn’t have had to do them if I hadn’t broken up with you!” he exclaimed hoarsely. Why didn’t she understand it was his fault?

“We don’t know what would have happened, Angel,” she disagreed, looking straight into his eyes and hoping he would listen to her. “You still would have gone away to college. Maybe what happened with Parker wouldn’t have happened, maybe it would, or maybe something else entirely would have.”

“But...But...” he started to interrupt.

“No buts, Angel. We’ve both made mistakes. We’ve both done things we wish we hadn’t. They can’t be changed, though. Nothing can take back the past. And we can’t dwell on it, either. We have each other now and that’s all that matters,” she told him with love shining in her eyes for him.

“I-I...I just hate seeing you in so much pain and knowing that I could have stopped it from happening,” he whispered, leaning into the hand stroking his cheek. “It breaks my heart knowing what you went through.”

“But it’s not your fault, Angel,” repeated Buffy again, her own tears now falling from seeing Angel in such distress.

“I only ever wanted you to be happy,” he sobbed before pulling Buffy into his arms.

Buffy wrapped her arms around his shaking body and held him close as he cried for the girl she had once been and no longer was. She gently led him toward the bed where she laid down and pulled him back against her. His head rested against her chest, his tears darkening the material of her shirt. Her hands soothed his tense body, showing through action the love she felt for him.

The hold her arms had on his body never slacked. Not even after he had fallen asleep, his head still resting upon her upper body. Long into the night she continued to embrace his large, strong form. Her mind was elsewhere, though, as she spent the quiet night hours sorting through the vivid, returned memories that now plagued her.

Hours after Angel fell asleep her own eyes finally began to drift closed. She nestled herself further down onto the bed, keeping her body twined with Angel’s. Gently, she reached a hand up to his tear stained face and lightly caressed his cheek.

“I love you, my Angel,” she whispered, placing a soft kiss on his forehead before sleep over took her weary body.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

In the darkened back corner of a bar a tall man sat, occasionally sipping a beer. His face was contorted into a frown as his fingers flicked drops of condensation off the glass in front of him. He looked up as another man strode up to the table and sat down.

“What was so damn important that I had to rush over here?” the second man growled.

“Hey, I’m doing you a favor!” the tall man spat back, his eyes narrowing at his companion.

“Whatever. Just tell me what the fuck I’m doing here so I can leave!”

“She’s remembering,” the first man spoke clearly, knowing the implications this new development would have.

The second man’s head snapped around at the words. His eyes bore into his informant as if daring him to repeat it. He quickly realized they were in fact true.

“You’re absolutely positive?” he asked, his words drawn out, various scenarios already running through his head.

“Yes,” the first man answered simply.

“Shit,” he cursed, quickly standing up from the table.

The door to the bar slammed shut as he forcefully stomped out to his car. His fist connected with its side panel causing him to curse loudly. He shook his head thinking about the new information. The situation had suddenly changed and he needed to do something about it quickly.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^
Part 20 – Past, Remembered
^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

Early the next morning, the sound of a door opening and closely startled Angel out of his fitful sleep. His eyes snapped open to find Buffy standing beside the bed setting a tray down onto the nightstand. The smell of coffee and fresh baked blueberry muffins alerted him to the fact that she had brought breakfast up to the room.

He was about to speak when his thoughts suddenly turned to the previous night. His right hand reached up to cover his face as if to shield himself from the reality of his actions. He’d made a complete fool of himself by breaking down as he had. She must think he is total moron.

“You’re awake,” he heard Buffy say.

Removing his hand from his eyes, Angel shifted his gaze to Buffy. She looked better this morning, but the strains of the past few days were still showing on her face and body. Seeing her like that only made him hate himself more for losing control the night before. She didn’t need his emotional breakdowns on top of her own stresses.

“Yeah,” he answered, smiling at her cautiously.

Buffy frowned at his hesitance. She thought she’d gotten through to him, but it looked as if he was still doubting her words. Her head shook imperceptibly. He was the most stubborn person she knew.

“You okay?” she asked gently as she sat down on the bed next to him.

Angel sighed and sat up against the headboard. “Yeah. I’m...I’m sorry for the way I acted last night.”

“Angel,” Buffy spoke, taking one of his hands into hers. “You have nothing to be sorry about.”

“I shouldn’t have been like that,” he answered guiltily. He grasped her hand tighter, grateful to feel her soft warm skin against his.

“Angel,” she said again, pulling his hand up to place a light kiss on his knuckles. “Part of being in a relationship is dealing with the good times and the bad times and doing it together.”

“But you don’t need that kind of stress right now,” he disagreed with a shake of his head.

“Hey! I’m not a china doll!” she chided teasingly. “I’m may not be at full speed yet, but I’m not an invalid.”

“I know. I didn’t mean that,” he corrected himself. “You’ve got so much to deal with; you didn’t need me crying all over you.”

“I’m fine, Angel. No harm done. I’m glad you were able to let me in,” she smiled lovingly at him.

“But-“

“No buts, Angel! If we want to make this work then we have to talk to each other about the good and bad. We can’t hide things because it might hurt one of us,” she replied with a pointed look at him knowing his tendency to try and protect her.

“I know,” he sighed and leaned back against the headboard of the bed. “I just can’t stand seeing you hurting.”

Buffy’s shoulders sagged slightly, her mind flashing momentarily to the memories now known to her. She crawled up the bed and curled herself around Angel resting her head on his chest.

“Life’s not perfect, Angel. Bad things happening are inevitable,” she said softly, reaching a hand out to clasp with Angel’s. “The best we can do is be there for each other

Angel looked down at her now raised head. He wished he could protect her from all of the bad things in the world, but he knew she was right. There were going to be hard times. Nothing in life was ever perfect. But he swore he would do anything to keep her happy.

“I love you,” he whispered against her lips before kissing her softly.

“I love you, too,” she repeated when their lips broke apart.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

“Mmm, I could just lay here all day,” Buffy yawned a half hour later from her spot still curled against Angel. They had spent the past thirty minutes just holding each other in silent comfort.

“Me too,” Angel agreed, his left hand rubbing up and down Buffy’s back.

“Oh, I forgot! I brought breakfast up,” she pointed to the tray sitting on the nightstand next to the bed.

Angel looked at the tray and frowned. “You didn’t carry that up by yourself did you?” he questioned, remembering that she was still physically weak.

“No, but I could have,” she grumbled at his over protectiveness. “Oz brought it up for me.”

“I just don’t want you to get hurt trying to do too much,” he stated, reading her thoughts.

She smiled wryly at him before propping herself up and grabbing the tray. They sat in each other’s arms nibbling at the blueberry muffins Buffy had brought up. Every once in a while they would share innocent kisses, but they content to just be with each other.

Angel, unfortunately, knew there was a topic he had to bring up. He’d promised the others he would ask her, and he himself knew it was necessary. But he was dreading it nonetheless. He had no idea how she was going to react to having to talk about her past.

Sensing a change in his body language, Buffy looked up at Angel. She could tell there was something on his mind. He always got that look on his face that showed he was deep in thought. Part of her wanted to laugh at it. It was just so cute. But she couldn’t help but worry about whatever had him so pensive all the sudden.

“Hey. Whatcha thinkin’ about?” she questioned while tapping lightly on his forehead.

Angel looked her and sighed. He should have known that she would notice his brooding. Taking a deep breath, he sat up a little on the bed keeping his arms wrapped around his beloved.

“I, uhh,” he started, trying to think of the best way to ask what he needed to ask. “Well, there’s something that I need to ask you about.”

Buffy sat up and looked at Angel. The serious look on his face told her that his upcoming question was not going to be easy on her. “Okay.”

“How much of your memory has returned?” he blurted out while taking her hand into his.

Frowning, Buffy stared at him. “What do you mean?”

“Do you remember the attack? The one that put you in the coma?” he said as gently as possible, his fingers stroking her hand.

She didn’t answer right away as her mind sifted through the mass of images that were still new to her. “I never thought about it.”

“I didn’t think you had,” Angel replied. He sat quietly while he let her think about his question.

“I...,” she trailed off before shaking her head. “No. I...I remember up to a certain point but...but then everything’s blank after that until I woke up.”

Angel noticed her shiver and pulled her back into his arms. Something inside him told him that there was a lot more to this story than he knew and possibly more than she knew at the moment.

Buffy held Angel tighter as her mind drifted over the things that she wished she didn’t remember. Tears formed in her eyes when she thought about the things that she had done the past few years. With everything else going on, she hadn’t really thought about them, but now they were foremost in her mind.

“You know you can tell me anything. Nothing will make me love you any less,” Angel soothed after noticing your tears.

“I hated not remembering anything, but now that I do...It was so much easier when I didn’t know it all,” she cried into his chest.

“I know it must be harder, baby, but the only way to move on is to face the past,” Angel stated, trying not to sound like he was pushing her to talk. He knew, though, that it was best if she got it out instead of keeping it bottled up inside.

Raising her head off his chest, Buffy looked into Angel’s eyes. Was she ready to talk about it? Was she ready to tell him about how her life had turned into a Hellish nightmare? How would he react to hearing such things?

For nearly a full minute she stared into his beautiful, deep brown eyes. The love shining out of them for her was nearly palpable. In that moment she knew he would understand. He wouldn’t hate her for the things she’d done or the person she’d become. Above all, he would still love her. Just as she would if she were in his position.

She pulled away from him, needing the space to gather herself. Sitting cross-legged facing him, she began to tell Angel of the years from when he was gone.

“Well, you know all of what happened with Parker, and Willow told me she told you about the time before that so I guess I’ll start with after I lost the baby.” Her eyes drifted down to her hands as she thought about that horrible time in her life.

“Losing the baby was just too much. I was a shell after you left. As much as I knew I needed to move on, I just couldn’t do it. Then I met Parker and I started to...I don’t know. I guess Willow would say ‘snap out of it’. But then he used me for sex and left me pregnant. I wasn’t thrilled to be pregnant. I didn’t hate it either. But it was something to hold on to when I seemed to be losing everything else.”

“And then you lost the baby,” Angel supplied for her realizing where things were leading.

“Yeah,” she sniffled, still feeling the pain of her lost child. “I guess I just snapped. Everything is hazy from the moment the doctor told me I’d miscarried to when I found myself in L.A.”

“Los Angeles?” questioned Angel, keeping his eyes on her.

“I couldn’t stay here. Everyone would want to know what happened. And...and I just couldn’t tell them. Somehow I managed to pack a bag and get on a bus. L.A. was where I ended up.”

Angel didn’t respond but instead took one of her hands into his, lending her his strength. He couldn’t imagine how hard it must be for her to relive the worst time of her life. A time when he hadn’t been there. It was still hard for him not to feel guilty about her pain.

“I shut down after that...I didn’t feel anything, or care about anything. I stayed in L.A. for maybe two weeks before I came back to Sunnydale. When I did, I locked myself away from everybody. I didn’t want their pity, or them telling me things would get better. And I guess I thought that if I pushed them away, kept them out of my life...”

“They wouldn’t leave you,” Angel finished the sentence she had left hanging.

“Yeah. I know I must have hurt them, but at that point I didn’t really care. Everything seemed so far away and so cold,” she whispered, her tears beginning to fall again.

“And then you met Ford,” pushed Angel as he sensed her will to keep going faltering. He hated doing it, but he needed to keep her talking.

Buffy looked up at him in surprise. How did Angel know about Ford? “You know about him?”

“Willow just told me what she and the others knew which wasn’t much,” he answered honestly while his hands still held one of hers.

“Yeah, I guess they wouldn’t have known much,” Buffy laughed, the sound dripping with guilty sarcasm. “I didn’t exactly give them the opportunity to know anything about my life after I lost the baby.”

“I’m sure they will understand why you acted the way you did,” he comforted as best he could.

“I know. It’s just...” she shrugged and shook her head slightly. Not finishing her previous statement, she continued with her story. “I met Ford a few months after everything with Parker. I’d been hanging out in this sleazy bar drinking my nights away. It was just something to do and I knew I wouldn’t run into the others there.”

She wiped at the moisture in her eyes and tucked her hair behind her ears before going further. “Then Ford came in one night. He was just some hot shot, cocky guy who I never would have looked twice at before.”

“What made you go out with him?” Angel asked, his brow slightly scrunched as he tried to comprehend the idea of Buffy being with someone like that. She’d always hated those kinds of guys.

“Because it wasn’t about feelings. I...I don’t know. I had no interest in getting involved. But he was persistent. Always buying me drinks, telling me I was beautiful. He pushed and pushed and pushed until I said I would go out with him,” she responded, her teary, blood shot eyes lifting to meet Angel’s.

Angel met her gaze and nodded slightly, indicating for her to keep going. Her eyes closed as she took a deep breath. When they opened again, fresh tears were welled within, threatening to fall across her already wet cheeks.

“That was probably the biggest mistake I ever made. But at the time, I was so out of my mind that I didn’t realize what I was doing. At least I hope I didn’t. I remember it, but it’s all a blur, like I wasn’t really there,” she again wiped at the tears before shifting her position slightly on the bed.

“Anyways, we went out. He seemed nice and all so we went out again and then again. Before I knew it, I was moving in with him. I didn’t love him, but I was almost broke and I needed somewhere to stay,” confided Buffy as she reached over and took a drink from her glass of juice.

“Did you know what kind of person Ford was?” Angel pressed, wondering if she’d knowingly gotten involved with a drug dealer.

“No, not at first. He seemed...well, like just another guy. Not that he was overly nice,” she shrugged, feeling a pain in her heart that Angel knew what she’d gotten herself into. “I think I knew he didn’t really care about me. He was just happy to have a pretty blonde on his arm.”

“I found out about the drugs not long after I moved in. It was kind of hard not too when they were in the apartment and strange people were coming and going all the time. But somehow, I just didn’t care.” Her eyes shifted away from Angel as she finished, already knowing what he was going to ask next.

“Did...did you get involved...with the drugs?” Angel voiced the question Buffy had expected.

“Not with the dealing...but I-I...I tried a few things,” she spoke in a guilt laced voice.

“Oh,” responded Angel dejectedly. His hate for himself and his actions were once again growing.

“I’m sorry,” Buffy apologized. “I know you expected more from me.”

Angel’s head snapped up at the statement. “No...Buffy, you have nothing to be sorry for. You were hurt and lost. People do things they wished they hadn’t when they’re hurting.”

Buffy smiled slightly at his words, feeling a tinge of relief at his non-accusatory tone. “Thanks. It’s just hard...knowing what I did and knowing that it was not something I would have ever expected myself to do.”

“We all do things we regret, but we can’t change the past,” he stated while moving his legs to stretch them out in front of him.

“I know,” Buffy sighed. “It’s still hard.”

“I guess it was not long after I moved in that things changed. He started getting demanding and controlling. At first I let him and did what he told me to do. But the first time I said no....he...he hit me.” The last part came out in a whisper, her self-hatred for allowing herself to be abused showing through.

Angel’s breath hitched at hearing what he had already known said out loud. Willow had told him they pretty much knew Ford had hit Buffy, but it was still a bit of a shock to actually hear her say it.

“But you stayed,” he stated as supportively as he could given the subject of the conversation.

“I did. I-I don’t even know why. I just took it. Maybe I thought I deserved it-“

“NO!” Angel shouted irately. “No woman ever deserves to be hit, Buffy!”

“I-I know. Logically, I know that,” she choked out. “But....at the time, I just...I didn’t have a reason to leave...to want to leave. I had nothing, or no one else to turn to. At least I thought I didn’t.”

“So you stayed,” Angel said in more of a statement than a question.

“I stayed. Him hitting me just became part of my life. That’s just the way things were. I tried not to piss him off, but it was kinda inevitable,” she answered softly, wondering inside her head how she could have allowed herself to become the abused girlfriend.

“That’s all?” Angel asked after he realized she was finished with her story. He’d expected there to be more.

“Yeah. The months...or years, whichever...I was with him were just a cycle of nights at the bar, and sleeping the day away,” she further explained as she tried to press herself to remember more.

“What’s the last thing you remember?” he pushed, hoping that she would be able to tell him more of what had happened that had led to her attack.

“I...I don’t know really,” she paused. There really was no point in time that things just stopped in her mind. “There’s just a series of memories of my time with him...then there’s nothing.”

Sensing her frustration, Angel reached for her other hand, the one he hadn’t been holding, and clasped it firmly, but gently. “It’s okay, baby. I’m sure it’ll come back eventually. Maybe it’d be better if you didn’t remember the attack,” he suggested thinking that it might be best if she didn’t have to face what had happened to her in that alley.

“No! I have to remember it. How can I move on if there are still so many questions?” She refused to accept that there would be things about her own life that she didn’t know.

“I guess you’re right,” sighed Angel. And he knew she was. But he wished she wouldn’t have to deal with yet more pain. “You can’t make yourself remember, though.”

“I know.” Buffy’s shoulders slumped as she spoke. “I just wish this was all over with.”

Angel pulled Buffy against him for the first time she’d started telling her story. He couldn’t resist the need to comfort her any longer. “I know, baby. I wish there was something I could do, but I can’t. You’ll just have to give it time.”

Buffy relaxed in Angel’s arms. His embrace could always ease the tension from her body. “Thank you,” she murmured almost inaudibly.

“For what?” Angel asked for confused.

“For listening to me. For not hating me despite all the things I did,” she spoke quietly, her words muffled by Angel’s shirt.

“I could never hate you, Buffy. I told you before, we all make mistakes and do things we shouldn’t have. It’s part of life. We can’t focus on the past. You taught me that,” he whispered lovingly, placing a kiss on the top of her head.

Buffy said nothing in response. She wanted to believe his words. But it was hard not to hate herself for the battered, cold-hearted girl she’d become.

“Hey, how ‘bout we go out to dinner later. Nothing fancy, just pizza or something,” Angel posed wanting to change the subject and get her mind off the past for now.

“Mmm, sounds good to me,” Buffy smiled weakly before closing her eyes and drifting off to sleep in the arms of her Angel.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

Later that night, after returning from sharing a quiet and thankfully uneventful dinner at one of the local pizza parlors, Buffy and Angel strolled slowly into the moonlit gardens behind the house. Their clasped hands swayed casually between them as they walked toward one of the benches near the fountain.

From the corner of his eye, Angel glanced at Buffy. She looked much more relaxed than she had earlier. The night out had been good for her, especially since the past had not come up the entire time. He was still worried about her though, and wished she had let him take her up to bed to get some sleep since she was still physically weakened from the coma. She’d insisted, though, on sitting out in the gardens for a little while so that they could enjoy the beautiful night and the full moon.

As they reached the bench, Angel sat first and pulled Buffy down onto his lap. His arms wrapped around her and held her against his body. For a moment, it felt like they had slipped into the past. They had often spent quite nights together like this, just enjoying being with each other. And for just a moment, he forgot about all that they’d both been through.

“This is nice,” Buffy stated softly, almost hating to interrupt the tranquil silence surrounding them.

“I know what you mean,” he agreed, resting his chin on the top of her head.

“Will things ever be like they used to?” she questioned out of the blue, surprising Angel.

“I don’t know,” Angel answered in complete honestly. “I don’t think they’ll ever be the same. We’ve both changed too much. But maybe they’ll be better.”

“I hope so,” she sighed, her eyes closing as she wished they could just go back and erase the past five years. “I missed this. Us. Being together.”

Angel’s heart clenched at the words. He had too, and a little voice in his mind was telling him that he wouldn’t have had to miss it if he hadn’t have left her.

“Me too, baby. Me too,” he whispered against her hair.

The sat in silence for the next fifteen minutes, content on just holding each other as they had once often done. The ringing of the phone inside the house broke the peaceful moment that had entranced them both.

Grumbling, Angel stood and placed Buffy on the bench before walking toward the house to answer the ringing annoyance. He would have just let it ring, but he suspected that it was probably one of their friends calling to check up on Buffy and he didn’t want to worry them.

Finally reaching the kitchen, Angel picked up the phone and mumbled a curt ‘hello’ to the caller only to find no one on the other end. He cursed under his breath before slamming the receiver down into its holder. He couldn’t help but be annoyed that his time with Buffy had been so rudely interrupted.

Angel walked quickly back through the gardens, wanting to return to his love and resume their peaceful night. His steps were abruptly halted when he spotted the bench with Buffy no longer seated upon it.

Immediately, his eyes scanned the surrounding area. He figured she’d just gotten up to wander around, but she was no where to be seen. A frown formed on his face as his worry began to grow. She couldn’t have gone far away in the minute he’d been gone.

“Buffy?!” he shouted as he dashed over to the bench where he’d left her.

He received no answer to his plea, the only sounds to be heard were the monotonous chirps of the various nighttime insects. His eyes suddenly spotted something lying on the ground in front of the bench. Reaching down to pick it up, Angel realized that it was the sweater that had been tied around Buffy’s waist.

His eyes shot upward as a frightening chill swept down his spine. Something wasn’t right. He could feel it deep in his bones.

“BUFFY!?!?!” he screamed in panic, his eyes again searching around the gardens, but finding nothing.

“BUFFY!!!”

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