DISCLAIMER: I don't own Angel or any other characters. Joss and the WB do.

A Scottish poet once said something about the best laid schemes of men going astray and leaving us with nothing but pain. I've come to realize just how true that statement is.

Let's start with Buffy, shall we?

Buffy....

I planned to love her.

I know that sounds strange, but I did. The moment I saw her, I planned to love her. Maybe only from a distance, or maybe up close, but I always knew that I would love her somehow and in some way. I forgot one thing.

I didn't plan on having her love me back. What in me was there to love? Something, I guess, because she did. And it threw me for a long time because I didn't have any idea what to do, or what kind of effect she'd have on me. I had thought, many times in fact, that I'd been in love, but I came to realize that all those times in the past were never really love; they were only a taste, a prelude of the feelings I held for her. But I got used to it, I got used to her loving me and there came I time when I realized that I could hardly live without her.

For her, I changed. For her, I became someone. For her I fought and I risked things and I killed my own kind...all for her. I thought to do such things would be my sacrifice, as nothing is wrought without reparation. I thought to fight and to risk my life would be enough of an atonement for a forbidden love. I was wrong. The thing I sacrificed, the thing I lost was myself. I never planned that.

And I lost her.

I didn't plan any of this.

All I wanted was to love her and to have her heart warm mine. I didn't think it would ever hurt anyone. Was I blind? Maybe, but I truthfully never thought that anyone would feel any pain because I loved her.

Love isn't supposed to hurt anyone.

I didn't think...I just didn't think. Maybe I should have known better than to believe I could have anything good and pure in my life, but I didn't. And maybe we should have been more careful, but we weren't. And maybe I should have left her before it got that far, but I didn't. And maybe most of all, I should have left Sunnydale long before I did, but I didn't do that either.

If it counts for anything, I finally did leave Sunnydale, though. It probably doesn't count for much, actually, because I came back. It hurt to see her from a distance, sincerely believing that I wouldn't speak to her or be able to touch her. But I did touch her, did speak to her, and more than that, I loved her.

And she doesn't remember a second of it.

I know it's for the best, but it still hurts. Those moments with her were not only the best for me, but I think they were the best *of* me, and I'm sorry she doesn't remember them. She's never known me without pain in my heart and soul, and for those seconds, I did not carry those burdens, and I wish she could have seen it and remembered it. She never got to see the human in me as clearly defined as it was in those few precious moments, and now she never will.

I planned to love her, and what happened, I guess, is what they mean by the best laid plans of mice and men going awry.

And then there's Doyle.

I lost him, but permanently. I am slightly comforted by the fact I could drive to Sunnydale and see Buffy at any given time I wished to, if only from a distance. Obviously, I have no such luxury with Doyle. He's gone, really gone, and there is no coming back from death.

This I never planned.

I expected to come to Los Angeles and be alone in my fight, and to keep myself separate from the world and from everyone in it. Fight, kill, and survive to the next night; those were my prerogatives and for a time, I knew no others. Then I met Doyle, and I realized I had to do more than that. I had to fight, not only the demons, but I had to fight for people, for the innocents that couldn't do it themselves. And I had to fight for them, to keep Cordelia and Doyle safe.

I had come to L.A. expecting to fight alone, what I got was two partners. This wasn't the scheme of things, but I didn't complain. How could I complain when these two people became my closest friends? It was no curse, that's for sure; to have met Doyle and to have been reintroduced to Cordelia, those were blessings.

All I really wanted was to keep them safe.

Remember what I said about the best laid plans of mice and men....

I couldn't do it. I'm not a god, I don't have the power to determine who lives and who dies; not in any real sense anyway. I can kill, but that is not what I mean. I can take life, but I cannot grant it, and more than anything, I wish that I could have. I wish I could have saved him, because no one deserved it more. He sacrificed everything for us, and for people he barely knew. He said I was the warrior, the hero....

No, my friend, it was you.

It was always you...you just never knew you had it in you.

I sacrificed happiness to save Buffy, and I would have gladly done the same for him, but I was given no choice. No one gave me the option, because it would have been a simple one to make. I wouldn't have hesitated for a second to give up all of my happiness for his life if that's what it would have cost. I would have given almost anything to have him back...to take back *that* day. The Oracles never offered it, and I never bothered to ask. "Fate," "The way things are meant to be." I knew the answers without even having to ask the questions.

I have a hard time believing this is how things are meant to be. Buffy and I being apart, I can almost understand that...but it was meant that he should die? That I don't buy. How could someone like him have been meant to die? How can this possibly be the part of a greater plan? What master plan could possibly warrant the taking of a life such as his? And now I'm left with "nought but grief and pain for promised joy."

How much of this can someone, anyone take? How much loss can I handle before I decide that it's not worth it anymore? What do I really have left now?

I have Cordelia. All that I have is Cordelia, and now I've got to not only protect her, but help her with the loss of the man she cared more about than she ever admitted. I don't know if I can do that, either. The truth is, I don't much feel like the hero anymore. My plans all fall apart and I don't know if I can save myself anymore, let alone anyone else.

But I have to try. I have no other choice but to continue on and to do all that I can for the strangers who need help, and for the brunette girl who answers my phones that will never admit to how much pain she's in and how much help she needs. It's all that I can do, and it has to be enough, and it has to work.

It has to work out, I have to be able to protect her and protect them. That's why Doyle did what he did, isn't it? That's why I gave up my future with Buffy, isn't it?

I have the job now, the thing I was chosen for, and that's all that I have left now, save for Cordelia. I'll go out tonight, with a heavy heart, and I'll fight as I have been and I'll continue to do that and to protect Cordelia to the best of my ability. It's all that I can do now, and it's all that I have.

I've lost true love and I've lost true friendship...how much more can anyone lose before it becomes too much? I know that she's human and that they never live forever. That thought is always in the back of my mind, now more than ever. I've learned that nothing lives forever, not even anything considered 'immortal.' Everything dies, some things just live longer than others; we're granted with a certain amount of time on this planet and for some it's a few seconds, and for some it's more than two hundred and forty years, but nothing lives forever. And I know that she won't either. She's mortal; she won't live forever either and though I try not to think on it, I know it's a very real possibility that the day will come that I'll look and my last link will be gone.

I don't know how much more loss and pain I can take, but I know the sad truth that in the future, whether near or distant, I will probably find out. So go the best laid plans of mice and men.

END.