Dancing at Midnight

by Jill

Disclaimer: nope, not mine. sigh!
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: B/A (duuuh)
Summary: an evening for two
Timeline: the weekend after "Right Beside You"
Feedback: yes, please! I need it.
Dedication: to Anna, who just had her first baby!

Buffy's and Angel's/Josh's POV (alters)

"Do I look alright?," I ask for the ten zillonth time and I laugh when Willow rolls her eyes in annyoance. "Sorry!," I give her a sheepish smile, "but this night is important. It has to be perfect."

"You look great," she says smiling understandingly.

"And you're really okay with staying away from the house for the evening?," I glance at her doubtfully through the mirror.

"Uh-huh," she replies and her smile grows. "Oz takes us," she pats her belly, "for a romantic evening and we'll be coming home around midnight. Just ignore us then." She grins, "although my private opinion is, you won't even register we're coming back."

"Willow!," I exclaim in mocked shock. "Really, what would your mother say hearing such naughty thoughts coming from her daughter's mouth."

"Nothing," the former witch replies drily. "My mother always was too oblivious to notice anything. I still wonder how all the people in Sunnydale could be living in such denial," she shakes her head and sighs, "besides the one time when Hansel and Gretel appeared ... and a demon was possessing their minds then."

"Yeah," I agree, although I only listened to half  of it. I'm too excited to do anything but think of Angel ... Josh ... damned, Buffy. He's Josh now. I slipped once, at the beach and just pray he didn't realise it. How could I ever explain that. He's suspicious enough the way it is and he suffers by feeling coming second to another guy who is ... he. God, can life be more complicated?

And why of all people do Angel and I have to go through this? Giles said it's actually a blessing that Angel doesn't remember his past and I agree. I've been over this again and again and I wholeheartedly agree, but it's so hard. I wish I had never said a word about Angel, or more precicesly the "other man" in my life. The one that died. Now Josh ... Angel ... will always have the feeling that he's only second best and I've seen in his eyes that it hurts him.

Willow said it's up to me now to make him believe he isn't second best, but that's hard too. They have no idea ... none of them has ever seen their love die ... well not literally, but still ... and then he's coming back ... but it's not really him. And it's him. Confusing I know, but the problem is, Josh is Angel in so many ways. He has the same personality. He's a serious man, he's gentle, patient, loving, caring, but there's this new side as well, something I never saw in Angel. Josh is joking, mocking, teasing, chuckling ... and a lot of it.

He's just plain human, without the ballast of more than hundred years of evil on his conscience. How can I even think about taking that away from him, I wonder, just to make things easier for me ... for us? Do I have the right to even consider this? If I really love him ... and I do ... his happiness has to be the most important thing in the world for me. The question is, is he happy? Can he ever be happy without being ... whole again?

"... seems that a snow-storm is coming tonight."

Willow's voice interrupts my train of thoughts and I stare at her, "What?"

"There you are again," she grins. "I was wondering where you'd gone to."

"Did you say something about a snow-storm?," I frown at her. "It's California!"

"I just tried to get your attention," she replies. "Oz and I will be going now. Ang ... Josh should be here any minute. Have a good time," she whispers conspiratively and leaves the room.

I can't remember ever having been so nervous. My heart beats a mile a second while I'm standing outside the porch of Buffy's house. I know it's ridiculous but I can't change it. It's not as if this is our first date or something, but she's made it pretty clear that she intends to spend the night with me. I know that she's still thinking about that dead guy in her past and I just don't want to mess this up.

Never in my whole life I loved someone as I love her and the mere thought of losing her, of not being able to spend the rest of my life with her turns my gut into a giant knot. My heart clenches in my chest and I feel as if I can't breathe. I don't know if it's normal but honestly I don't care. All I want is to be with her, near her, hold her and get the oportunity to show her that she can be happy with me. All I need is a chance.

The moment I pose my hand to knock, the door opens and Willow and Oz appear. They smile at me, well Willow does, Oz merely looks curious and with a twinkle they gaze at me. "Just go in," the red-head says. "She's waiting for you. You have no idea what I had to go through with all the outfits she tried this afternoon to look perfect for tonight."

"Not true," I can hear Buffy's voice protest from the inside. "Don't believe a word she says, Josh."

"But I do," I grin, nod at the couple, enter the house and close the door behind me, "it strokes a guys ego to know that a woman ...", my voice trails off and I'm a loss of words.

She is a vision. I've always thought she was the most beautiful woman I've ever met, but tonight ... God, I don't find words to describe her. My lips refuse moving and all I can do is stare. She wears a floor-length green dress, I think the material is pure silk. Her hair is flowing natural and her make-up almost invisible. She looks like some fairy right out of a children's bed-time story and I have to blink to believe this is real.

Finally her mouth turns up into a smile and I'm lost. Should I've ever had any doubts, now I know for certain. I am completely and utterly in love with that woman, she's my destiny. Clearing my throat I manage a "Hi," and want to smack myself for behaving so stupid.

But she doesn't seem to mind. Because her smile turns into a grin and she nods at the flowers in my hand. "Is there a possiblity they might be for me?," she asks.

"Uh ... yeah," I reply and want to smack me again.

He's so cute I would like to ravish him right here and now. The way he's standing in front of me, a loss of words, smiling sheepishly and holding out the flowers to me. It's no roses, no lillies or some fancy stuff. It's just some natural flowers and I love them. This gesture is so Angel I have a hard time not to bawl. And I never wanted so much to be able to tell him everything.

I want to shout, it's you I've always loved, you and only you. Who else could be there? But I won't. I cannot do this to him. And so I smile and take the flowers and motion him to follow me into the kitchen.

"I just put them into water," I tell him while I walk to the sink. "And then we can eat. I made something ... not big ... I hope ... do you like Lasagna?"

"Yes, I love it," he says behind me and I'm glad he finally found his voice again, although I'm glad, too, that I was the cause he lost it in the first place. What a woman would I be, if something like that wouldn't please me?

"Alright," I turn to him and smile. "By the way. You never greeted me properly."

"Did I not?," he says and grins and then his lips descend on mine.

I love this woman, I said it before and still ... the situation is awkward. I'm sitting in her bedroom, on her bed, fully dressed, while she disappeared in the bathroom five minutes ago with a mischieveous smile on her face and the words "I'll be back soon."

Now I'm sitting here and don't really know what to do. Of course I know what she's doing at the moment. She changes into something extremely sexy that will take my breath away again and ... I pause and look at something that I can see in the drawer of her nightstand. It's her nightstand and of course it's none of my business and ... but some invisible force is pulling me there, I can't help it and slowly I pull a picture from it.

It seems old and it shows Buffy and a man. They're dancing together and the way her eyes are shining tell me how much in love she is. How much she loves *this* man. It has to be *him*. The one she thinks about when her eyes cloud over and ... I blink, and blink, and blink, not able to focus, feeling dizzy all of a sudden. This is like a scene right of some cheap B-movie. But the guy she's looking at ...

"Hi," her voice comes from the open bathroom door and my head snapps up, the picture clutched in my hand. My hands are trembling so badly, I hardly manage not
to let it slip from them.

Her face instantly clouds over and the happy smile disappears. "Josh?," she asks and steps closer. "What happend? Is something wrong?" There's real concern in her voice, even in my dazed state I can hear it and I shake my head to clear my mind.

The picture ... the man on the picture ...

I look down, then back up at her and shake my head again. How is this possible? I see her tilting her head and trying to look at what's in my hand and the moment she manages to do that, her eyes widen in shock and her hand flies to her mough. "Josh," her voice is trembling as badly as my hands. "Oh God, Josh."

But somehow my voice is deadly calm when I finally say, "This man on the picture, the man you're thinking about, why the hell did you never tell me that he looks
like my twin?"

She presses both her hands on her mouth now and I see the pain in her eyes, but I can't. I cannot stay, there's too many emotions in my mind, my head is spinning
and I don't know what's going to happen if I stay. So I just toss the picture on the bed and with a last glance at the desperate woman whose eyes plead with me to
stay and to listen, I leave the house.

On to After the Night