Nothing To Loose

by Jill

Disclaimer: why do we even bother to write this, if it's so obvious! Of course I don't own them, so don't sue.
Distribution: my site eventually, anyone who has my fics take it, others just tell me where it goes
Rating: like the show mostly, but some strong language, maybe some NC-17 parts, but I don't know at the moment
Pairing: B/A (duuuh), W/T/O, C/Gu, X/A, mentions of B/R and B/Brent
Spoilers: the whole BtVS/Angel-cannon to be sure
Summary: Buffy and Angel meet again after years of separation
Timeline: set in the future
Feedback: oh please, yes!!!
Dedication: to Anna-Lee, who believes in B/A as much as I do

WARNING: CONTAINS ANGST

Sunnydale, California, 2007 (Buffy is 27); Prologue in Buffy's POV

Did I ever know how it felt to be happy I wonder. Maybe I did, but I'm not sure. There were some precious moments I felt happy with Angel, but it's so long gone that it doesn't even feel real anymore.

I felt happy when Ashlynn was born. My little girl. My wonderful little daughter.

I don't even know why I'm thinking this today. This day is not different from all the others. I woke up beside my husband, yes I do have a husband, who would've thought. It's not Riley. His name is Brent and when we got married I was sure I loved him. I still think I do, but was I ever happy?

Again those thoughts. They don't lead anywhere.

Brent left the house to go to his office, he's a lawyer and earns enough money for a comfortable life in Sunnydale in a nice house with a white picket fence. Mom loves my house. But do I?

Am I living her dream or mine?

I dropped my daughter off at school as I do it each morning, she waved goodbye and her sweet little smile is wonderful. Every time I see her smile I feel tears in my eyes.

When I came home I found Cordelia's letter and within seconds my whole life changed.

Part One

Sunnydale, California, 2011 (Buffy is 31)

Buffy stared at the letter in her hands and sighed loudly. It was final, done, finished. Just a letter and almost 10 years of marriage were as if they'd never existed. She turned around and looked at her two year old son who was sleeping
on the sofa in her new apartment in Sunnydale. Brent had kept the house, it was the way she'd wanted it. As he had wanted her to have full custody of the children. He loved his children but he knew with his busy working schedule he'd never have
enough time to care for them.

Now he had even sold the house and moved to Chicago where a big law firm had offered him a well paid position. It was his chance and Buffy couldn't really blame him for taking it.

So she was a single mother now with two children, a retired slayer with a degree in psychology but no eyperience as she had cared for her children and with David, her little son, only two, was still not available full time.

It was not that Brent wasn't giving her enough money, in fact he gave her and the children enough to live comfortably. No, money wasn't the problem. The problem was that she was restless. What had she really done with her life? She had married after graduating from college, told herself she had been in love with a smart young man only two years older.

After two years she'd realised it wasn't going to work, deep inside she'd known it. But they'd a little girl by then and things were much more complicated. So they had tried again and again, even decided to have another baby... She sighed again, every half-way sane human being could have told that this was no solution for lack of love, that it wouldn't save a relationship. Of course not.

Leaning her forehead against the window she stared outside. The sun was shining brightly and she'd never felt more alone in her life.

Where was he, she wondered? Where did he live? Was he happy? Would he have any children? Shaking her head she walked into the kitchen. David would wake up in some minutes and be hungry. She had to laugh at that. Some years ago she would
go out all night, hunting vampires and demons and now she was preparing food for her son. A way to end up like this, Summers!

Again her thoughts wandered to a dark, good-looking man who had once been the center of her life. The incarnation of her dreams at times when she had any left. But life had taught her not to dream. The result was mostly to wake up in a too harsh reality.

Her head snapped up when she heard the phone ring. She took the receiver Xander had installed for her in the kitchen. "Yeah?"

"Hi Buffy!"

Cordelia! Alarms went through Buffy's whole being. The last time she'd heard from the brunette ...

"Buffy, are you there?"

"Huh? Oh, yes, sorry. I'm just about to prepare some lunch for David. He's my son."

Laughter came from the other end of the line, "I know who David is, Buffy. Only because we didn't talk for a long time it doesn't mean I don't know things. I sometimes talk to Xander," she explained.

"Uh ..., I see," a frown appeared on Buffy's forehead. The former mayqueen was chatting as if they'd just seen each other yesterday. "What do you want Cordelia?"

"Right into business as ever, aren't you," Cordelia shook her head. She didn't want to be hostile. This was meant to be a friendly call. Taking a deep breath, she said, "It's about ... well ... I'm going to marry in two weeks. And I'd like you there. So ...," she made a short pause, then asked, "would you come?"

"W - what?," the ex-slayer was more than only surprised, "You're going to get married?"

"That's what I said." Cordelia began play with the napkin on the table. She and Buffy'd never gotten close, but usually the blonde wasn't dense. "It'll be on the Sunday in two weeks."

"You're sure you want me there?," Buffy asked cautiously.

The former mayqueen sighed exasperantly, "God, that's what I said. Is there something wrong with your ears?"

"Well, if you want me there ... sure."

"Good," Cordelia beamed at ther fiancée who was sitting across the table, grinning. "I'll send you a formal inviation with directions and all. See you then."

"Cord...," Buffy wanted to ask the name of her fiancée but the former cheerleader had already disconnected the line. Frowning the ex-slayer stared at the receiver in her hand. What the hell was going on?

"So you got her to come?," Grunn was still grinning when Cordelia shut down the cellular phone.

She nodded, "Yes. Did you doubt I could?"

"No, not really," he replied with a wink. "I think you can do almost anything."

Cordelia instantly narrowed her eyes, "I hope that wasn't an insult. Don't forget you're going to marry me, buddie, you better behave."

"So you left the big surprise for the celebration. Do you think that's wise?"

She shrugged in response. "That's got nothing to do with wise. But Buffy is a coward, she's always been. She always prefered to run away from things instead of facing them. She would never admit it of course, but that's the way it is." She leaned back in her chair and sipped at the cappucino, "I mean think about it. There's a guy she says she loves eternally and then she just let him go. Like this," she snipped her fingers. "She doesn't even try to fight. Does that sound brave to you?"

"I cannot really say anything about Buffy, because I don't know her that well, but our ex-boss might be brave when it comes to combat, when it comes to her though...," he trailed off.

She sighed, "Only too true. That's why it's up to me to get those mule-headed kids together." She put her cup down and threw her hands in the air, "They are both human now, what the hell is keeping them from each other?"

"Maybe they aren't in love anymore," Gunn suggested.

She laughed briefly, "Try again. Not in love anymore? That's the greatest joke. She just divorced her husband and his main problem was that she never really loved him and Angel," she shook her head, "he's still carrying her picture in his wallet and divorced his wife - if you can even call her that - after only two years. Don't make me laugh."

"He didn't divorce her, she divorced him," Gunn reminded his fiancée. "Because of that little problem of his."

Cordelia rolled her eyes, "Yeah, but did he fight it? No! He just let her go. Believe me, if he'd loved her, he never would've acted that way. If there would've been love, they would've made it work. Remind my words."

"And now you're trying to play matchmaker," he shook his head and gulped the rest of his orange-juice. "I just hope you don't burn your fingertips."

A huge grin was his response and he couldn't help but fall in love with her allover again when she said, "You know me. I love to play with fire. What other reason would have made me accept your proposal?"

Part Two

"It's really nice of your mom to take all our children for the weekend," Anya smiled at the ex-slayer while her husband was driving towards L.A. "Are you sure she can manage with them?"

"Mrs. Rosenberg has agreed to come and help," Buffy replied and ran a hand through her hair. "Ashlynn thought it was the greatest idea ever. Grandma is always allowing her to watch television in the evening. And David just loves to stay with my mom."

"They are used to it," Xander eyed his long-time-friend through the rear mirror, "but does she know what she's gotten herself into by taking six children under 10? Two of them being our deadly-duo?," he grinned at his last sentence. His and Anay's sons were four and three and bundles of energy.

"She'll live," Buffy said mercelessly. "Maybe Matt and Mark can just torture Willow's and Tara's daughters."

"You know," Anya slightly frowned, "usually a triangle like this would've called me on the plan. While I was still a vengance demon that is."

Her husband shrugged, "They are happy the way they live." Seeing the two women in the car raise their brows he said, "Okay, so I wasn't too supportive at first. The thought of Willow, Tara and Oz living happily together is something to get used to. At least for me. But they are together for more than five years now and everything seems peachy. So why bother."

"Very open-minded of you," Buffy joked and searched her purse for a mirror. They'd just passed the city limits of L.A. and she wanted to check her make-up.

"I really never thought, Cordy would marry someone like Gunn," he changed the subject.

"I don't know Gunn too well, I just saw him once or twice, but on the phone she sounded very happy," the ex-slayer replied.

"She is," Xander agreed. "That's not what I mean. It's just that I expected her to marry someone with money, a big house, probably a film production company. Something along those lines. Gunn is a nice chap, but he hasn't got a lot of money, he's an ex-street-kid, an ex-demon-hunter." He paused for a moment and shook his head as if to clear his mind. "But then Cordy has changed a lot. There's barely anything left of Queen C."

"You see her quite often." It wasn't really a question.

Taking Anya's hand Xander answered it anyway, "We both do. Matt and Mark adore Gunn. They think he's great fun and he's never tiring when he plays with them. He's going to be a great father. And you should see Angel ...," he broke off, realising what he just had said.

Buffy straightened on the rear seat, "Angel? You've seen Angel? I thought he was living in New York?"

"He did," he replied. "He came back to L.A. a year ago."

"Oh," the ex-slayer nervously licked her lips. "So you ... saw him more than once?"

"Several times during the last year. He, Gunn and Cordelia are very close. Like a family. After all they worked together for a long time," Xander replied, cursing himself for letting the ex-vampire's name slip. But maybe it was better that way and so he added, "He'll be at the wedding too."

Buffy throat instantly went dry. She should've expected it, he *was* close to Cordelia, as Xander had said, and she knew it, but somehow she had avoided thinking about it. Meeting him would be bad enough, but seeing him with another woman. No, not just another woman. His wife. Clearing her throat she asked, "And his wife? Did you meet her?"

"His wife? Oh, you mean Anna. No, she isn't in L.A.," Xander answered. "She's still in New York. Maybe they commute, I don't know. Although it's a long distance if you ask me."

The blonde shrugged, desperately trying to behave and sound casual, "So she might not be there?," she couldn't help the hope in her voice.

"Probably not," Anya said, fetching her sunglasses and putting them on. "We haven't seen her once the past year and Angel never talks about her. He's nice though. It's great fun to talk with him about the old times."

Xander quickly glanced at his wife and then exchanged an amused glance with the slayer through the mirror. "Are you alright with it, Buffy?," he asked after a moment.

"Me? Sure," her answer came a bit too quick, she hoped he didn't notice. "It'll probably nice seeing him after so many years. And with Willow and Oz there it'll almost like a Scoobie-reunion."

Xander looked at her again through the mirror, she had gone through a lot with the divorce and all. He just hoped that meeting Angel wouldn't add more pain.

"Stop fidgeting with your tie," Cordelia scolded gently and gave Angel a warm smile. Who would've thought that they would ever feel like brother and sister. But then nothing should really surprise you when you grew up on a hellmouth.

"Sorry," the ex-vampire smiled sheepishly and pushed his hands into the pockets of his trousers.

"I know you're nervous, and I know why, but you just have to wait and see," she turned in front of the mirror and then looked at him. "Now, what do you think?"

"Nice," he replied distractedly, staring at the ground.

"You didn't even look," she shot back.

His head snapped up and again his smile was rather sheepish. He sighed, "I'm really sorry, Cordelia. You look wonderful. Gunn will forget how to breathe."

"Better not," she frowned. "He needs enough breath to say yes after all."

"He will," he patted her arm. "He's head over heals in love with you, don't worry."

She gave him a greateful smile, "Thanks. And thanks for agreeing to lead me down the aisle."

"I'm very sorry about your parents," his eyes were full of compassion. Her parents had refused to come to their daughter's wedding. They didn't approve of a looser like Gunn, as her father had called him, as their future son-in-law.

Cordelia shrugged and Angel was glad to see that the initial pain at her parents refusal had vanished from her eyes. "It's their loss. It's not as if they were caring for me anyway. I admit it hurt first, but this is my life now and it will be with Gunn, if they like it or not."

"Good for you," his smile was full of approval. "Gunn is lucky to get you."

"He better not forget it," she grinned and took the veil to put it on her hair. "That's it then," she turned again in front of the mirror. "Are you ready?"

Thinking about a certain blonde he would see soon in the church, he took a deep breath and then nodded. "Yeah. I'm ready." But his heart was beating hard in his chest.

"It's a lovely church," Willow who was sitting beside Buffy smiled at the ex-slayer.

"Hmm.," was the only reply she got.

Frowning she turned to Xander, asking him with her eyes if something had happened on their way to L.A. Her childhood friend just shrugged and shook his head in the negative. What should he tell her? He'd never told anyone that he and Anya had been meeting Angel several times. Until it had slipped in the car. Now Buffy knew, but it was not important anymore, he told himself. She would see him soon. Angel had asked Xander not to tell Buffy and he had agreed and even Anya had kept her mouth shut, which was surprising. Usually she couldn't keep a secret for more than a minute. But by talking about old times ex-demon and ex-vampire had quickly found common ground, had almost become friends. He had to chuckle at that, but then he'd seen stranger things happen.

Gunn and Wesley, his best man, appeared in front of them and soon after the priest entered the church. Then the music began to play and two bridesmaids came down the aisle, Xander didn't know them, had to be some friends of Cordelia from L.A., he'd never seen them before.

When the wedding march began all people in the church turned - all but Xander. He was looking at Buffy. He saw her eyes widen as soon as she recognized the man on whose arm Cordelia walked down the aisle. He also saw Willow's gaze fly to him, the expression in her eyes completely stunned, but sudden understanding dawned in them.

He turned his head to look at Angel and he had to suppress a smile seeing the ex-vampire. He was leading Cordelia, but his eyes were searching the guests. The moment he spotted Buffy he seemed to freeze and the former mayqueen had to squeeze his arm to keep him from stopping.

Xander's and Cordelia's eyes met for a short moment and they exchanged a grin and he knew his former girlfriend had been right. The story between Angel and Buffy was far from being over.

Part Three

"I'm so sorry Giles couldn't make it," Willow smiled sadly at the newly married couple. "But he couldn't get away from London. He's in the final stage of his new book." She chuckled, "Who would've thought that Giles would end up writing mystery thrillers."

Cordelia grinned, "Quite a change from the bookish watcher, I have to say." She smiled lovingly at her husband whose hand was laying loosely around her waist. "But I agree. I missed him. Without him, something isn't ... I dunno ... he just belongs here."

"H-he'll be in A-america i-in t-two w-weeks," Tara said, coming to stand beside Willow. "P-promotion t-tour."

"Really?," the former mayqueen laughed. "I bet he hates it."

"Yeah," Willow laughed with her. "He's always complaining about hysterical female fans. Can you imagine Giles with women throwing themselves at his feet?"

"Don't forget he was was called Ripper once," Xander joined the group. They were all assembled at the Hyperion Hotel. It still belonged to Angel and since he'd moved back to L.A. he was living in it permanently. And of course he had offered it to the couple knowing that Gunn couldn't afford some expensive hotel for the reception.

"Yeah," Oz agreed. "Remember the cursed candy?."

Everyone laughed at the memory. "He wanted Buffy to hit everyone, especially Ethan Rayne," Cordelia said and looked at Gunn. "Some cursed candy bar made all the adults act like teenagers. Buffy's mother and Giles were all over each other." She suddenly broke off and scanned the hotel lobby. When her eyes found what they had been looking for she smiled and nodded into a certain direction. "Talking about our little slayer," she looked back at her friends. "I think my little plot already works."

They had been watching each other for a while, none of them eager to take the first step, but then over the cold buffet they had almost bumped into each other. Startled Buffy looked up, "Oh," nervously she licked her lips, not sure what to say.

The plate Angel was holding almost slipped from his hands. "Buffy," his voice was suddenly breathless.

"Angel," she replied, not feeling very strong herself. God, she was 31 years old but one look into his eyes and her knees turned to mush. "I ... it's nice to see you."

"You too," he smiled and Buffy was urgently in need of a chair or she would embarrass herself, she thought. Now not only her knees but her whole legs were like jelly. This smile, so casual, so Angel, was a killer.

"How are you?," they asked simultaneously.

They both smiled and Angel motioned towards a sofa. Grateful Buffy nodded. As soon as they were seated, he said, "You go first. So how are you?"

"I ...," she cleared her throat. God, he was so gorgeous. One could see he was older now, but that hadn't lessened his attraction, no it was quite the opposite. He was more mature now. Stop it, she scolded herself. Stop it now, Summers. He's married and he's left you and ..., God, but he was still gorgeous. "I'm fine," she finally managed to say.

"Good to hear," he smiled again, inwardly patting his own shoulder for acting so casual around her. She was still so very beautiful. Her eyes were so deep he wanted to drown in them. And her mouth ... no, he told himself. She just went through a painful divorce. You cannot expect her to jump right into your arms. But, God, her lips were the same he remembered, the same he dreamt about. "I'm sorry," he said. When he saw her quizzical gaze, he explained, "About your divorce, Cordelia told me."

"Oh," she nodded in understanding, then shrugged. "It's over and done with. It was long overdue. We were both holding on to something that shouldn't have started."

Angel's head snapped up, this didn't sound like a woman still longing for her husband. Could it be ... "You have two children, I heard," he said.

"Yeah," now her face broke into a genuine smile. "Ashlynn, she is almost nine and David, he's just two. Both are wonderful children. They are with my mom this weekend."

"You love them."

It was a statement, but she nodded anyway, "Oh yes. They are my whole world. Funny to think I once thought demons would be all I'd care for. And you? We're only talking about me. How are you?" Her eyes quickly scanned the lobby, then were back on him, "Where's your wife? I was looking forward to meet her." Summers, you should've become an actor, she thought. It almost sounded as if you meant it.

"Anna? No, she isn't here," he replied and sipped from his champagne. "She isn't even my wife anymore. We were divorced more than a year ago."

Buffy's eyes widened and she quickly took a bit from her sandwich to win a little time to think about these news. He was divorced! Not married! No wife! He was free! Stop that! You're acting ridiculously. You haven't seen him for years. "So you weren't married that long." Hearing him laugh without humor she realised she'd said it aloud and wanted to bite her tongue for it.

"No," he shook his head. "We wanted different things from life. Our wedding was ... a bit in a rush. We ... I wasn't thinking clearly at that time," he admitted averting his eyes. How could he tell her that he'd married Anna because he couldn't have the woman he really wanted. Because she was already taken and expecting her second child. Because he had wanted to prove himself he was able to live without her. And had failed miserably. The reason Anna finally had used to file the divorce had only been an excuse.

"I'm sorry," she said and touched his hand with hers. It went through her like a bolt. Touching him was like coming in contact with electricity and quickly she pulled her hand back. Their eyes met for a moment, but his were unreadable. Damn that centuries of self-control. Even if he boils inside he appears cool. Buffy was sure *her* eyes were giving everything away and so she averted them quickly.

"Don't be," he said and leaned back. "Anna and I," he shrugged. "We were never meant for each other. She's still a good friend though."

"Xander told me you came back a year ago. What are you doing in L.A.?"

"We've reopened the agency," he replied with a smile. "Gunn, Wesley and I. There aren't demons anymore since the Hellmouth is closed but that doesn't mean the bad boys are gone as well."

"So you're a real PI now?," she asked and smiled back.

"Yeah," he chuckled. "But Gunn's doing most of the work. I'm not really very fond of the job."

A warm expression entered his eyes, "So you're mostly doing it for Gunn, right?"

He shrugged, "He's good at what he's doing. I can't understand why nobody wanted to employ him."

A warm feeling began to grow inside her chest. This was so Angel. He was doing this because his friend needed a job and of course he didn't want anybody to know. "They can be glad to call you their friend."

"It's the same the other way around, they are the best friends I ever had," his voice was full of emotion. "They're almost ... like family." He took a deep breath to steady himself. Talking about family was something that still bore painful memories for him. More than once he had imagined how it would've felt to lead his real sister to her future husband. Turning back to Buffy he changed the subject and managed to smile, "Xander has changed a lot."

"He has," she agreed. "He never told me you were back," she blurted out.

"I asked him not to."

"Oh," there was more than a little hurt in her eyes. He hadn't wanted her to know. Quickly she suppressed tears that were forming and the warm feeling inside of her instantly grew cold. But then what had she expected. They were like strangers now. Living separate lives.

"Buffy," his voice was warm. "It isn't that I didn't want you to know. But Xander told me you were right in the middle of a separation, probably a divorce and I thought you didn't need any more problems in your life then."

"Still making decisions for me?," she asked angrily, narrowing her eyes.

"I ...," he sighed, then shook his head, "Think whatever you want. I just thought it wasn't the right moment."

"Sure," she was so angry now, she couldn't stop herself anymore. "You always know what's best, right? You didn't even tell me you were going to get married. Xander had to give me the good news."

"Buffy you were married yourself. You were expecting your second child. There was no need ..."

"No, of course not," she jumped up, her voice rising, she didn't care that all the others were turning into their direction. "*You* decided to leave me, *you* decided you weren't good enough for me and *you* also decided that even a human Angel wasn't going to be enough!" Her accusing eyes were piercing into his gaze.

"What ...," he swallowed hard, "...are you talking about?"

"You know exactly what I'm talking about," she shouted, not able to prevent the tears from falling anymore. "I'm talking about 24 hours you preferred to turn back and steal from me. *Without* asking me first." She knew she was terribly unfair, but she hurt inside, all the pent up emotions were spilling over and she wasn't able to stop it. In this moment she didn't care if she was hurting him. Still, her heart clenched when she saw all colour drain from his face and he came to stand in front of her.

"You," his mouth was suddenly dry, "you weren't supposed to remember."

"Oh, and that's all you can say," she angrily wiped her tears away. "But I do. I do remember. When the hellmouth was closed the PTB gave the memories back to me. They came in a dream, but when I woke up I knew it was real."

"Buffy I...," he tried to say, but she interrupted him.

"You know, Angel. I really don't want to hear your explanations. Or your excuses. You were right not to tell me that you're in L.A. I wouldn't have cared anyway. You stay away from me. Do you hear. I don't care if your dead or alive. Just stay out of my life." With this she turned and stormed out of the hotel, while Gunn took his new wife's hand and whispered into her ear.

"I think you just burnt yourself big time, darling."

Part Four

"Exactly what I expected," the former mayqueen exclaimed when she and Gunn were entering the Hyperion hotel the morning after the wedding. "Didn't I tell you Gunn?," she ellobowed him in the ribbs and he almost yelled. "Just look at him!"

Angel sighed and looked up from the coffee he'd been staring into. "Good Morning to you too, Cordelia. Hi Gunn."

"Yo, Angel."

"Yeah, yeah," she motioned dismissively with her hand. "And it's not a good morning anyway. Just look at you!"

The former vampire exchanged a quick glance with Gunn, who just shrugged and went over to check the mail. He knew that nothing he'd say would be of any interest for his wife right now, so he decided to keep his mouth shut. Cordelia was on a mission and nothing would stop her.

"Didn't you plan to go away for two or three days for a short honeymoon?," Angel asked, trying to change the subject.

Gunn shrugged again, but his wife rolled her eyes, "Honeymoon, honeymoon. Who can think about something like that after the little display you two gave yesterday?"

"Cordelia I already told you I was sorry...," the former vampire began but she held up a hand to stop him.

"I really don't care about it. You don't need to apologize. What I want to know is what the hell happened yesterday. You were talking like good old friends and all of a sudden she began to shout and then just ran away." When she saw his face closing up, she walked over to him and put a hand on his arm, "Oh no. You're not just going to walk away. You already did that yesterday, but today you're going to tell me!" She planted her hands at her hips daring him to do anything but exactly what she wanted him to.

Angel sighed again and thought about leaving. No, he couldn't do this. First of all he'd ruined Cordelia's reception yesterday and secondly they were his family. He owed them and so after closing his eyes for a short moment, he took a deep breath, "She's just angry with me Cordelia. And she has every right to be. All the things she said were true. I left her, I made the Oracles to take back the day and I decided not to tell her that I was back and divorced."

"And?," she just stared at him.

"What and? I kept things from her, made decisions for her. Of course she's angry!"

Cordlia stared at him for another moment, then threw her hands in the air and began to pace the lobby. "I can't believe it. I simply can't believe it. Whatever did you do to her? Sure, you left her, but you did it so she could have a normal life. And she had one. I mean she married that nice-looking, smart lawyer-guy and has two nice kids. Is that something you need to feel guilty for? The answer is a big no-no in my book."

"Cordelia ..." he tried, but again she stopped him by holding up her hand.

"I'm not ready. Then the Day." She stopped and looked at him, "How did she find out anyway?" He was about to open his mouth, but she made a dismissive gesture and began to pace again, "Nevermind. It's not the problem, is it. So you made them take the day away. To save her life. *Her* life. But the selfish bitch she is, she never thought about you, right. If a man would do something like that for me ...," she shook her head but let it go for the moment.

"And then about your divorce. She was still married then, right. So why on earth should you've told her you're back and free again? So," she came to stand in front of him and stuck a finger and poked it into his chest, "tell me, what the hell was so horrible about it?"

A smile crossed his lips when she was finished and he quickly took her hand and kissed its back. "Cordelia, did I ever tell you that I love you."

"No, but you didn't answer my question either." She was deeply moved by his words, but she couldn't let him see it at the moment. Not when she was so close to breaking through the wall he'd been building since yesterday.

He let go of her hand and sighed again. "I'm not quite sure," he ran a hand through his hair. "Buffy and I ... it's complicated."

"Do tell me!," Cordelia crossed her arms in front of her chest and grinned.

Angel couldn't help but grin back. "Yeah okay, so you're pretty much into all of it. Hell, I think you're the only one who knows almost as much as I do. But coming back to your question. I don't know why she reacted the way she did."

"And?," she repeated her question from before.

"Huh?"

"What I mean is, what are you going to do about it?," she asked, impatiently tapping the fingers of her left hand on her right upper arm.

"Do about it?," Angel shook his head. "Cordelia, what do you expect me to do? Buffy and I haven't seen each other for ... a long time. We're ... well not strangers, but not friends either. We might have been lovers once, but a lot happened in both our lives. A lot of pain on both sides. I'm not sure we can overcome this and I don't know if she even wants to."

"Humor me!," the words were tossed at him and he saw anger flashing in her eyes. "I already told you he divorced her because he accused her of not loving him enough. Now, tell me, Mr. Wise-guy, why do you think is that?"

"And I've told you that it's nonsense. She was married to him for almost 10 years, they have two children..."

She waved her hands in front of his face, "Yeah, yeah, you said that before and still it's bullshit. Alright they have two children. And what? You don't need to be in love to create a child."

He didn't know how to reply to this so he just turned around to get himself some more coffee from the kitchen, hoping she would give him a moment's peace. But of course no such luck.

"You can run away as much as you want. God, you two could probably beat the world record in running away from each other. But not this time, Angel. This time, I am here and I will no longer stand you all depressed and brooding. You did that enough when you still were a vampire. But now you're human and it doesn't fit to sunshine and daylight."

Pouring himself another cup of coffee he said, "I know you mean it well, Cordelia, but maybe you're wrong this time. Maybe," he shrugged and pushed the sharp pain he was feeling in his heart away, "Buffy and I just aren't meant to be." God, it hurt to even think it, saying it loud made it almost unbearable.

Codelia's heart went out for him. She didn't know anyone else who'd earned more to be happy, and now when there finally was a chance for them, they both refused to see it. Well, this time it wasn't only them anymore. This time she would take care of this. A grin spread across her face. Hopefully her ally in Sunnydale would be working on it as well.

"Hey Buffster," Xander entered Buffy's apartment with a huge smile on his face that grew into a grin when he saw her standing in the living-room, wearing her pyjamas and a pair of bunny slippers, rubbing her sleepy eyes. "You don't exactly look awake, you know."

"Maybe it's because I'm tired," she replied sarcastically.

He chose to ignore her comment and made his way over to the kitchen. "How about I make you some coffee. You can take a shower first and then we talk."

She raised a brow, "Talk? What would we want to talk about?"

He gave her a knowing glance and then pointed towards the bathroom, "Shower first. Then coffee and talk."

"Whatever you say," she grumbled while she padded over to the bathroom. "But there's really nothing we need to talk about."

Xander sighed and busied himself with the coffee machine. God, these two were two stubborn kids. He had to laugh at the fact he was relating to Angel as a kid. The guy could be his ancestor, but age certainly hadn't made him wiser, not if it was about matters of love. He just prayed Cordelia was right about those two and he wasn't making a fool of himself.

Twenty minutes later they were both sitting in her living room, each of them holding a steaming mug of coffee. The children were still at Joyce as they all had returned late last night.

"So, are going to tell me now what happened yesterday," Xander asked over the rim of his cup.

"I don't owe you an answer," she replied defensively.

"No," he sighed and put his mug down. "No, you don't. But Buffy," he waited until she was looking at him, "you are my friend. I care about you and I can see you're not happy. So, no you don't owe me any answers, but maybe you could tell me anyway and maybe, just maybe I could help."

"Oh Xand," she said after a short silence and stared into her cup. "I really freaked yesterday, didn't I?," she looked at him unhappily. "I'm so sorry I ruined the party for Cordy and Gunn. But when he told me, he hadn't wanted me to know...," she shrugged, "something just snapped. It just blurted out and I couldn't stop it anymore."

"Emotions always ran high with the two of you," he tried to joke, but not even the hint of a smile appeared on her lips. So he tried another way, "Look, I know Angel messed up a lot, but he isn't a bad guy. And he really wanted to tell you he was back, but then Cordy told him about the problems you had with Brent and so... Maybe it was wrong of him, but if you are honestly thinking about it, wouldn't it have been just one more problem for you at that point?"

Buffy narrowed her eyes at him, "Since when did you join the Angel fanclub? No more Dead Boy-jokes and calling him a jerk, all of a sudden it's like 'Angel is the best of my bestest buds'?"

Xander shrugged at her comment, "Maybe I'm just a grown-up now or maybe I've only now had an oportunity to really get to know him and realised he isn't half-bad. He had it pretty rough Buff, I think most of us wouldn't have managed to get through the things he's mastered. Maybe you should take the time and talk to him, maybe then you'll understand him better."

Anger flashed in her eyes, "But that's exactly the point. *He* never talked to me. It was always like hey honey, I think that's best for you honey, bye honey. The only time we really talked was on a day that wasn't even real and that I didn't remember for years. And even then he took it away from me!" Angrily she wiped a single tear away that had escaped her eye.

He looked at he for a long moment, "I don't exactly know what you're talking about, a day that he took away from you? But that's not the point here, is it? The point is that you are both free now and both human, both not hunting demons anymore. The point is, do you still want to be with him? You should better think about it soon, because you've already wasted too much time in my book."

Part Five

"Hi honey," Mrs. Summers greeted her daughter when she entered the house at Robello Drive the same afternoon.

"Mom," came Ashlynn's voice from upstairs.

"Momma, momma," David came running from the living-room and hurled himself into his mother's arms.

"Hi my darling," Buffy scooped him up and hooked him to her hip. "I swear you have grown in that one day."

David giggled, then yawned. Joyce smiled at her daughter and her grand-child. "He's tired, because he's late for his nap. Do you want to take him with you now or maybe we get him to bed and have a cup of tea first?"

"Yeah, I'd like that," her daughter replied. "I'm going to put him into his bed and say hello to my daughter who didn't even try to be glad I'm back." Her voice was rising, but there was a smile in it.

"I *am* glad you're back," came Ashlynn's voice from the stairs. "But Grandma gave me a new Barbie-doll yesterday."

"Mom," Buffy shot her mother a look, but she just shrugged.

"So sue me! I love to spoil them."

The ex-slayer sighed, "So I see, well, I just get rid of that little bundle here and be back to talk."

Ten minutes later over a cup of tea and biscuits Buffy eyed her mother critically, "You look tired."

Joyce grinned and nodded, "Yeah, I am. Six little children are quite a handfull. But I'm not complaining. It was great fun too. And Sheila Rosenberg was here the whole day, so it wasn't too bad. She seems pretty cool now with her daughter's living-arrangement."

"You mean compared to the fact that she almost had a heart-attack when she first heard about it?," Buffy grinned.

"Well, it was quite a shock. I mean, two women living with one man and all of them sharing a sexual relationship isn't the ordinary."

"No, I guess not, but it's not that it hasn't happened before," the ex-slayer smiled. "And they are happy together. All of them, especially the kids. So who are we to judge it?"

"Yeah," Joyce agreed. Taking another sip from her cup she suddenly said, "Anya got the two boys this morning. She told me you met Angel in L.A."

Her daughter nodded slowly, "Yeah, I did. It was quite a surprise. He was leading Cordy down the aisle."

"Anya already told me that. She also said you had a fight."

Buffy groaned, "Maybe I should just send a global e-mail, but then Anya is almost as effective."

"Honey, she cares for you."

"And loves to spread news," the younger blonde shot back. "So yeah, I met Angel and we talked and then I freaked. He told me he was divorced and was living in L.A. for almost a year and then he said he didn't want me to know, because he thought I had enough on my mind a year ago."

"And that wasn't so?," Joyce asked almost casually.

"What is this today? You're in his fanclub too?," she looked at her mother the same way she had at Xander only hours ago. What the hell was going on?

"No, I'm not in his fanclub and you should know it. But I also saw that my daughter who I thought was finally happily married and free of all this demon stuff, was never completely happy."

"How would you know?," Buffy snapped. "I was living your dream, wasn't I?"

"Oh honey," Joyce leaned over to her and took her daughter's hand. "I never wanted you to marry a man just to make me happy."

"You almost jumped through the ceiling when I told you I was going to marry Brent," the ex-slayer argued. "Your smile was so broad, I thought your face would split."

Sighing, her mother let go of her hand and leaned back. "I know. But I was so afraid. Now that you have children of your own you can surely understand what it meant to know that my daughter was risking her life night after night. I had problems to deal with it and somehow Angel represented all the things I hated. Only later, after he had left you I realised how much he really cared for you and that we both wanted the same for you."

"A normal life, kids, a loving husband, a picket fence?," Buffy's voice was still angry. "Well, I've got normal now, I have two kids, I even had a picket fence for a while, just the husband was all wrong. I couldn't love him enough and Brent felt it and ...," her voice broke and tears began to fall. She jumped up, pressed a fist in front of her mouth and stared out of the window.

"Honey...," Joyce began, but her daughter held a hand up to stop her. So she just watched the back of her daughter sadly, watched as Buffy desperately tried to regain control over her emotions.

Then she suddenly turned around and wiped the tears away, "He left me. Angel left me, he said it wasn't going to work. He even turned back time and let me go again. But do you know what hurt most. He became human four years ago and didn't even tell me. He never called, he never came, I was just not important enough to know. Cordelia told me in a letter.

"He didn't care anymore. If he'd called ...," she sniffed and searched her purse for a tissue, "Brent and I were at a breaking point right then. But when ... when he didn't tell me and I realised, I wasn't important enough for him anymore, I desperately clung to my marriage, so we had David and tried again, but of course it was all in vain.

"And on top this he just turned to another woman and married her. God dammit," she pushed the tissue back into her purse, closed it and threw it on the sofa. "he became human and only a year later he married the next best chick. And he never told me." She began to sob, "H-he n-never t-t-told me. Oh Mom!"

Joyce was up in an instant and gathered her daughter in her arms. Her tiny frame was shaken with the heavy sobs and Mrs. Summers tried to hold her as tightly as possible to show her she felt with her. "Buffy, darling. Shhh," she tried to comfort her. "It's okay, please don't cry, it'll all be better soon."

"I d-don't know, Mom," she cried against Joyce's neck. Then she pulled back and got her tissue from the purse again to wipe her face. "It hurt. God, it hurt so much when I realised he didn't care anymore. I was still in love with him and he didn't care."

"And you're sure of it?," her mother asked doubtfully.

"It pretty much looked like it. And even yesterday. He was so cool, all relaxed and smiling, I wanted to get a reaction from him, any ...," she broke off and stared at the ground.

"You mean you wanted to know if he still cared?"

She nodded miserably without looking at her mother. "Yeah, I guess," she whispered. "I behaved horribly, mom. I shouted at him. And then I just ran away." She sighed and sat down again, taking her cup. "Xander said, I should talk to him again." She looked up and met her mother's gaze. "What do you think?"

Joyce smiled, "Is it really important what I think? The question should be, how important is it for you?"

"I'm telling you, Cordy, I'm not sure about Buffy. I really tried my best, but ...," Xander trailed off.

"They're both the most stubborn people I know," Cordelia said on the other end of the line and ignored when she saw Gunn grinning at her. "Angel insists he's only going to hurt her if he goes to her." She sighed, "Oh hell, Xand. They are so right for each other."

"Oh really?," he replied.

"Okay. So I wasn't supportive all of the time - not that you've been a fan of the Buffy and Angel live happily ever after - I, well ... I was angry with her, but only because every time he saw her I had to pick up the pieces in which she left him."

"It wasn't easy for her either," Xander didn't like that Cordelia was laying all the blame on Buffy.

"But there was always a reason," she said after a moment of silence. "He was a vapire, his soul was more than only a little in danger every time she was around, so there were solid arguments against it. But they are gone. Long gone. All that's keeping them from each other now is their stubbornness."

"Don't forget all the pain and heartache and issues and ...,"

"Yeah, yeah," Cordelia interrupted him. "I know all of this. But I have sworn to get them back together and I'm not backing out now. And you have promised to help," her voice held a warning note.

"And I'm keeping my promise. We just have to find another oportunity to get them together. Now that she has shouted at him it can only become better. Or that's what I hope at least."

"What about your son's birthday next weekend. Buffy will be there anyway I suppose and I could bring Angel," the former may-queen suggested.

"I thought you said, he wouldn't go near her again."

He heard a chuckle on the other end of the line and then she said, "That's what I said, but I left out that there's someone even more stubborn than Buffy and Angel and that of course is me."

Part Six

Buffy closed her eyes and leaned her head back on the pillow. It was already dark outside. Years ago she would've gone out to hunt vampires, but those times were long gone. She chuckled slightly, was she actually missing slaying? God, she was pathetic. All her time as a slayer she had tried to escape her fate and now ...

She sighed and turned on her right side. Ashlynn and David were fast asleep. Tomorrow was Mark's fourth birthday and especially David needed a good night's rest to get through such an exciting day.

Ever since Xander had told her that Cordelia would bring Angel with them she had been nervous. A laugh escaped her throat thinking about the borken glasses and cups in the kitchen that had slipped from ther hands during the last days. Her attempts of pushing the thoughts away had been useless. Ever since she'd seen him in L.A. he was on her mind, not that he'd ever not been before, but now that the meeting was so fresh, now that she'd seen him as a human for the first time - not counting the day he turned back - her thoughts were running wild.

Xander had talked to her again. Explained her what she was throwing away by avoiding him, Xander of all people! She'd talked to Willow, her most trusted friend and the former witch and computer programmer had only smiled at her. "Do you really need to ask for my opinion in this? Buffy, I always thought you were meant for each other," had been her comment. Somehow everyone she knew had joined Angel's fanclub. Even Spike. She smiled thinking about the man. He was human now as well. Helping the slayer in the last battle he'd earned his redemption as well and was now running the Bronze.

When she'd told him about Angel, he had looked deeply into her eyes and then a smile had crept over his face. "So you and Angel, huh?" At her angry look he had started to laugh. Damn him. "Humor me, slayer" - he was the only one still calling her that - "you and poof belong to each other like Laurel and Hardy, so try again." She'd stormed away from him only to hear him laugh out loud.

But it made her thinking. Tara had said she was running away from him because she was afraid and after denying it at the beginning Buffy finally had to admit the former wicca was right. After all the things that had gone wrong in her life she wasn't sure if she could risk her heart again. Because openening up to Angel would be exactly that. With Angel there was no half-way, she was old enough not to lie to herself - with Angel it would be all or nothing.

Half-way, like being good friends, would've been nice, but even those few minutes in his hotel sitting beside him had made it completely clear. The desire she felt for him was as strong as ever. So friendship or a casual affair was out of the question. That left two possiblities. Nothing, which would be safe and certainly not affecting her heart. Which would mean staying away from him as far as possible. Or all - just close your eyes and jump. She would've to risk everything.

The question was, was she ready for it?

Angel wasn't sleeping either. With open eyes he lay on his bed and stared at the ceiling. He was going to Sunnydale tomorrow and that meant he would be seeing her again. He had tried to argue with Cordelia but of course he'd known it was in vain. Gunn's smirk had told him all when he had started to explain why this wasn't a good idea.

The former mayqueen was obsessed with the idea of bringing him and Buffy together and whatever argument he gave her, she wiped everything away with a motion of her hand or had just laughed into his face. "Hahaha, try again Angel, maybe you can convince me then" or "You're certainly the only one who actually believes this". When he'd been looking at Gunn for help, his friend hand only held up his hands and shook his head with a grin. No use to try to convince Cordelia when she had set her mind on something.

So after two days Angel had just sighed and given in. He was awarded with a bright smile and a firm hug. "I knew you'd come to your senses." He only hoped he wasn't making the biggest fault in his life.

It had been more than obvious that Buffy didn't want him around. And the last thing he wanted was crowding her. He'd caused her enough heartache and pain to last for three lives and he wasn't going to be the cause of even more.

There was no doubt on his side that he loved her. There had never been a choice in it. When it came to Buffy, there was nothing he had to doubt. He had loved her since that bright sunny afternoon in L.A. all these years ago and with time his feelings had only become deeper and more true. Denying it by marrying Anna had been a big fault, his only comfort was that his ex-wife hadn't loved him any more than he had her. Sexual attraction had drawn them to each other and as soon as it had faded - and it had been very soon - nothing had been left.

First she had wanted to save their marriage - God knew why, maybe because she never liked to lose - by getting pregnant. But when this hadn't worked the way she'd intended it, she had filed for a divorce. And he had just said yes. No fight, no bad words, no deep feelings involved. That was the reason they were still friends. They were calling each other regularely and Anna was now married to a guy from New York, she seemed to love. Angel had wished her luck and even attended her wedding six months ago.

He had never told her about Buffy, but she had known. It had been two weeks after they had been married. They had been lying in their bed and out of the blue she'd asked him, "Who is she?" When he hadn't answered, she'd sighed and said, "I see, it's that serious. My poor Angel."

She couldn't even guess half of it. He'd never told her about him having been a vampire. It had never been important enough. She'd been a desperate attempt to get over Buffy, nothing more.

The day she'd married Brent Angel had found a demon and beaten him into a bloody pulp before decapitating him. He'd been brooding for weeks. When Cordelia had told him, Buffy was pregnant, he'd just turned away and not left his bed for two days.

Then shortly after he'd become human Cordelia had hinted there were signs that her marriage wasn't that good, he had started to hope only to get his heart shattered by getting the news of her second pregnancy. Only four weeks later he'd married Anna in Las Vegas.

None of his friends had any idea what Buffy meant to him. It wasn't just that he was in love with her. It was one part, he was in love with her, truly, madly, deeply, desperately. But she'd also been his reason for fighting the good fight. For existing, for struggling through all and getting his Shansu. Wolfram & Hart, Darla, Drusilla, The Day the Oracles turned back, the men she had been with while he could only stay away and watch, he had endured everything with her smiling face in his mind only to realise that it could never be.

It had been hard all the years while he was a vampire with a soul, but he had known it couldn't be. All of sudden he was human and still she was unreachable. He had been irrationally angry with her, but of course it hadn't been her fault. He had left her after all to find exactly what she had. And for all that Cordelia told him, Brent seemed to be a nice guy and they were getting along fine.

And now he had met her again. And he would meet her tomorrow. Cordelia insisted that Buffy was still in love with him. But the question was would she risk her heart again?

He took a deep breath and turned on his left side, cupping his face in one hand. Well, it was for him to make her believe they could make it work this time. Maybe, just maybe she'd give him a second chance.

If not ... he just hoped his heart would survive it.

On to Part Seven