Nothing To Loose

by Jill

Part Seven

"Keep your little hands from the chocolate cake, do you hear me ... oh, Buffy, Ashlynn, David, hi," Anya turned around as soon as she'd seen who was at the door and hurried back to the kitchen, where she arrived just in time to prevent Matt from crawling onto the table to taste his brother's birthday cake. The boy cried in protest but his mother ignored him and put him down on the floor with a firm but gentle hand. Matt was more than a year younger than his brother and his lower lip began to tremble at the unfairness of life. There was something wonderful on the table and he couldn't understand why he had to wait for it.

Anya saw her son's expression and gave him a motherly smile, "Oh Mattie, you'll get something later on, I promise. Now go. Aunt Buffy has arrived and she's brought David."

Hearing the name of his best friend - his brother didn't count, because ever since Mark had understood that he would be four soon and for that *much* older he behaved as if his little brother was nothing to be bothered with anymore - so hearing about the arrival of David, Matt's face brightened and with a squeal he ran from the kitchen almost colliding with Buffy's son. The two little boys grinned at each other and then disappeared towards Matt's room.

Laughing and shaking her head Buffy entered the kitchen, "You have all my admiration, Anya. How do you manage to handle two of them and not go insane? For me David is enough, he's always so ... so active, when he isn't sleeping of course. I'm really grateful Ashlynn is almost nine and beyond the worst age. Sometimes she even likes to watch her brother."

The former demon shrugged but grinned, "Maybe I'm used to it. But I wouldn't exchange them for the world. Just to think that for 1100 years I thought vegance is the perfect job for me."

"Children really change perspectives, don't they," Willow said from the doorway. She and her life-partners had arrived ten minutes ago.

"You can say that," Buffy nodded, glad that Cordelia and with her a certain ex-vampire didn't seem to be around yet. She hadn't slept much the last night - and needed hours to make herself presentable - and for this there had been too much time to think about Angel for her comfort. The problem was, she still wasn't sure what to do. Not that she actually knew what he wanted, not from his mouth anyway.

"Mark seems to feel very grown up today," Willow interrupted her thoughts.

"Oh yeah," Anya grinned again. "And is driving everyone crazy with it, especially his brother. For about a week he's like 'you don't know that, you little boy'. At the beginning Matt cried, yesterday he hit his brother."

Buffy laughed, "They're really great kids," and with a wink towards the former witch she added, "Who would've thought that Xander would be able to produce something like that."

"Hey," the former demon protested in mocked annyoance. "It's my husband you are talking about. And besides, they have 50% from me!"

"That explains everything," Willow said and somehow kept a staight face. Rubbing her belly she smiled, "Talking about kids. I'm going to have another one."

"Willow!," Buffy hugged her best friend. "That's wonderful."

"Yeah," Anya agreed and gave the red-head a genuine smile.

"Thanks, we think the same. Tara and Oz are happy too. They can barely wait to see the first ultrasound pictures." The beam lit her whole face. It was certainly an unconventional relationship the three of them shared, but the radiant expression on Willow's face told everyone they were more than happy about it.

Buffy was about to ask how she would manage to contiue her business and a new baby when the doorbell rang. The ex-slayer tensed immediately and she gave Willow a grateful smile when the red-head took her hand and squeezed it. "It's going to be okay," she whispered. Buffy took a deep breath. Come on Summers, she told herself, you can do this.

Xander grinned at Cordelia, Gunn and Angel who stood a bit behind the others and shifted the little girl he was holding to hook her on his hip. "Hi," he greeted them. "This is Ellie," he introduced the girl to the ex-vampire who'd never seen her so far. "She's Willow's. Come in, come in," he stepped back and closed the door when his guests had entered.

"Everyone's already there," he explained. "So be aware of little feet and hands, when he led them towards the living-room where Oz and Tara were playing with the other kid of the trio. "And that's Amy." He put Ellie on her father's lap and turned to the three from L.A. "I think with this ... oh, I forgot," he smiled when he saw a blonde head looking around the corner. "This is Ashlynn," he pointed at the door. "She is Buffy's daughter."

Angel turned slowly and still he wasn't prepared for this smaller edition of the woman he loved. Ashlynn was a beautiful girl and you could already see she would be the image of her mother. Her hazel eyes were bright and smiling, her blonde curls had the same length as Buffy's when he'd first met her.

Angel swallowed hard and quickly glanced at Cordelia whose hand was laying on his arm comfortingly. She gave him an understanding smile and he had problems to suppress the tears welling up in his eyes. She was all he had ever dreamt of and the emotions overwhelmed him. She wasn't his daughter of course, but somehow that wasn't important at all. She was Buffy's and just for this he loved her.

"Hi Ashlynn," he greeted chokingly.

"Hi," she smiled back and then with a question in her eyes turned towards Xander.

"This is Angel, Ashlynn, he's a friend of your...," mother he had started to say, but suddenly his voice became much warmer and he said instead, "he is a friend. Our friend."

A giggle escaped the girl's mouth, "Your name is really Angel?," she asked.

The former vampire managed a nod, he was beyond words. Xander's last statement had done the rest to make his throat tighten with emotions.

"Nice," she commented. "I have to go now, see you later?"

"Sure," he replied, glad his voice was working again.

"Now," Xander rubbed his hands. "Everyone is here and I'm really hungry. Aren't you Mark?," he turned towards his son, who was sitting on a huge chair and smiling royally, perfectly aware of the fact that this was his day. So he suppressed a squeal of delight by the thought of chocolate cake and just nodded.

Xander bit his lower lip when he exchanged a glance with the adults in the room and saw Tara press a fist on her mouth to stop a giggle. "Anya, honey. We're all here now. How about the cake," he asked walking towards the kitchen.

"Coming soon," she replied. "We don't need you. Willow and Buffy are with me in here and I have enough hands." There was a hidden warning in the words and turning back to his friends Xander explained, "She's always afraid I'm going to taste the cake. Me and Matt are much alike in this. Speaking of the younger Harris," he looked around, then remembered he'd seen two boys disappear just before, "Matt, David, it's time for the cake!"

Only seconds later two little bundles came racing into the living-room, one stopped dead in tracks seeing the strangers there, the other hurled himself into Angel's arms. "Uncle Angel, uncle Angel," he sequealed in delight. Over the past year the ex-vampire had become one of his favourite grown-ups. Seeing his best friend so friendly with the dark-haired man, David cautiously stepped closer.

Mark narrowed his eyes from his spot on the chair, "It's not your birthday you know," he hissed at his brother.

Matt stuck out his tongue, but otherwise ignored his older brother completely. The situation was saved as the Anya, Buffy and Willow entered the room with the cake and plates.

"Hi," the former demon just said while Willow gave the newly arrived guests a warm smile. Buffy nodded at Gunn and Cordelia but avoided looking at Angel, suddenly wishing she was anywhere but here.

She felt his presence in every fiber of her body and wasn't so sure anymore that she could survive the day without embarrassing herself again. And this time it was even worse because today her children were here and she didn't want them see her mother screaming and running away.

"Hi Buffy," Cordelia raised an eyebrow at the ex-slayer's attitude but didn't comment it.

"Cordy, I thought you'd be on a honeymoon by now," she replied wincing slightly at the harsh sound of her voice. Nice move, Summers, show everyone how much this affects you. Get a hold on yourself, you're 31 years old. But there was no way to deny it. With Angel around she felt like 16 allover again.

The former vampire immediately sensed how uncomfortable she was around him and busied himself with Matt who was smiling happily. "How are you partner?," he asked and tried to ignore the butterflies in his stomach. She was so near, he could almost reach out and touch her, but she'd never seemed more away from him as right in this moment. Why on earth had he allowed Cordelia to convince him to come. He should've known that it would only distress Buffy. It couldn't have been more clear that she didn't want him around. But it was too late now. He couldn't just leave, Matt was excited about his visit and that alone was enough even if he would forget about the fact that Cordelia and Gunn wouldn't have a car for the drive back if he'd go now.

He closed his eyes for a second, then took a deep breath, summoned all his strength,plastered a smile on his face and took the plate Willow handed him.

Part Eight

"Anyone coffee?," Anya looked around and when she saw them all nod she stood and disappeared in the kitchen.

Mark had unwrapped his presents and all the chocolate remains had been washed from the children's faces. Now David and Matt were sleeping together with Ellie and Amy, while Mark had insisted that now - being a year older and almost grown up - he would stay awake and play with Ashlynn what the girl had acknowledged with a groan. She was really looking forward to play with a "baby".

During unwrapping presents and eating cake the adults had chatted, of course not about stories from times when demons and vampires had been roaming the earth as long as the children were around, but there were other things, stories of the kids, of families, husbands and more. Buffy had laughed and smiled and ignored him.

Angel felt left out. Sure the others - exept Buffy - did their best to include him, but he couldn't help but feel he didn't belong here. So he had smiled from time to time, even laughed sometimes, but now that the children had left the room he was surprised none of the others could see the tension radiating from him. To get away for a moment he excused himself for the bathroom and breathed deeply in relief when he closed the door behind his back.

Leaning against the door he closed his eyes and tried to relax. He had to get out of here, away from Buffy, the sooner the better. He would just go back into the living-room and explain that he'd forgotten all about an urgent date and that he had to get back to L.A. in time. Yes, that was a good idea, he nodded to himself and with this firmly in his head opened the door.

On his way back he heard Anya clattering with cups in the kitchen and maybe it was his 18th century upbringing, but he couldn't just pass by and not ask if she needed any help. So instead of directly walking towards the living-room, he turned for the kitchen only to freeze in the doorway.

"Can I ... Buffy," he said staring at the blonde standing at the coffee machine.

She turned and looked at him, but didn't say a word.

"I ... I'm sorry, I ... I thought it was Anya ..., sorry," he murmured and was about the leave when her voice stopped him.

"Angel, wait."

Slowly he turned back to her, not sure what to say and then decided for "I am really sorry." When she didn't interrupt him, he continued, "I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable, you have to belive me. But Cordelia and Xander both insisted I had to come. I knew it was a fault. But I was about to leave anyway. So ...," he swallowed, "... don't worry, I won't get you in another situation like this. After all you made it perfectly clear last time we saw each other that you don't want me around."

"Oh, Angel." Her reply was somewhere between a laugh and a sob. She shook her head, "Last time ... I was just surprised, angry ... I don't know. I said a lot of things. Maybe it's because I got my final divorce papers only two weeks before and hated the fact that I made a mess of my marriage," she shook her head again, "I don't know. But believe me that I didn't mean half of it."

He winced slightly thinking at her outburst, "So you meant the other half?," he tried to joke.

One corner of her mouth twitched at his remark, "Yeah, well, there's some unresolved issues between the two of us, you cannot deny that."

"No," he said with a sigh. "Certainly not."

"But that's," she motioned around with her hand, "not the place to talk about it. And, well...," she bit her lower lip. "I thought a lot about you ... us ... since I ran from the hotel last week. Angel," she studied his face for a moment and then decided to jump into the cold water. The whole afternoon she had watched him with her friends, with the children. He had changed so much, he was laughing, he was joking but the longer the day went the more quiet he'd become. And now she wondered if it was for her. She had pushed him away in L.A. and now it was for her to make the first step, and she had suddenly decided that he was worth the risk. "What I want to know is, what do you want from me?"

The question hit him completely unprepared. He had expected a lot, but certainly not this bluntness. "What ...," he had to clear his throat, because his voice was only a choke, "what do you mean?"

"What I mean?," she laughed slightly and then just blurted out, "I mean are you still interested in me? Because I have to know that. Because I still can't think straight when you're around, because my knees turn to mush when you are near and I decided last night that trying to be friends won't work for us. At least not from my side. So it's all or nothing and I want to know what you want." She paused for a moment, then turned away and groaned, "And now I've completely embarrassed myself."

"No," he replied softly, but didn't move, too afraid this was just a dream. "No you have not. But you see me stunned. I mean after L.A. I was sure there wasn't a chance that ... and now you ...," he paused helplessly and looked at her.

Taking a deep breath she turned to him again, "Just blame it on me," she smiled. "I'm really sending out mixed signals, ain't I?"

"Buffy," the way he said her name made her heart beat faster. "I know you are scared and uncertain and ... hell, these are my feelings as well. We haven't seen each other for a long time. We lived different lifes, but ... maybe if you would allow me to see you, if we could talk and get to know each other again ... all I want is to try to show you that it could work between us." He paused and swallowed, seeing the weary look on her face, "But I also understand if you don't want it. I've already been the cause of enough pain in your life, so I ..."

"Yes," she interrupted him.

"What?," was this his voice that sounded so breathless.

"I ...," she blinked away the tears forming in her eyes, "I would like that. Seeing you, talking to you." Then a stern expression appeared in her eyes, "there's a lot we have to talk about."

"Yeah," he agreed.

"And there a many things you have to explain to me."

"Yes."

"So," for the first time a smile crept upon her lips, "why don't you just come around for lunch tomorrow. David will be home, but taking a nap and Ashlynn's at a friend tomorrow afternoon. So we won't be almost on our own. That is, if you don't have anything else to do."

"No," he replied quickly, the excitement clearly audible in his voice. They both had to laugh at that and Angel realised that he was blushing.

"It's nice," she pointed at his face. "Colour in your face. It's unfamiliar to me. I still remember you all pale and timeless," her voice sounded sad.

"That's just one of the things we can talk about. Tomorrow." He gave her a half-smile. "And I'd like to get to know your kids ... only if you're alright with it of course."

"Sure," she nodded. "You're good with kids. Matt adores you and Ellie was already flirting with you."

"She was not," he replied.

"Was too," she insisted. "But that's not surprising. You're still the most attractive man I know ... uhm ... I mean ...," she broke off and looked to the ground.

"And you're still the most beautiful woman I know," he said softly taking away her embarrassment.

Her head shot up, "Really?" It was suddenly very important that this was true.

"Really," he nodded honestly and she knew he meant it.

Their gazes locked and they stared at each other, drinking in each others eyes. It had been so long that they had been allowed to do this without the feeling it was something forbidden.

Then they both broke eye-contact, realising that this wasn't the time and place to go any further and that it was too much, too soon. Smiling a bit sheepishly at him, Buffy said, "So tomorrow then?"

"Tomorrow." He confirmed and smiled back.

In the hallway Xander and Cordelia stood grinning at each other. The former cheerleader held up and hand, "Give me five partner. I think it's working fine now."

"I just hope you are right and nothing goes wrong this time, because I'm not sure they could stand it," he said and prayed that whatever gods were listening would held their hands over Buffy and Angel.

Part Nine

When Angel finally stood at Buffy's doorstep the next day, his heart was beating frantically in his chest and he was so nervous he didn't know where to put his trembling hands. This is just a friendly date, he told himself, but of course it was in vain. And whom was he kidding anyway, this was about seeing Buffy and that made it the most important date in his life. It could probably decide his future.

Cordelia had smiled at him before she and Gunn had gone away for five days. Gunn had insisted on the honeymoon and simply declared he would go on his own and that Angel was a grown-up man who could handle his love-life on his own. So she had grumpily agreed, but hadn't gone off without telling Angel that she would hunt him down if he should mess this up.

Taking a deep breath he reached out and pressed the doorbell at Buffy's apartment and soon her voice was to be heard from the inside, it sounded stern and then the door opened. She smiled at him, her face a bit flushed, "Oh, hi Angel. You're early." She glanced over her shoulder.

Not really knowing what to think about it, Angel took a step back, "I ... uh ... can come later if it's better."

"No," she opened the door a bit wider and shook her head, "no need. I just try to get my son to take his nap and he isn't very cooperative today." She pointed at her hair, "just look at me, I'm a mess. The bath he took some minutes ago was more like a water-fight. But do come in."

When he entered the apartment he saw David's face appear behind Buffy and the boy giggled.

Buffy spun around and held up a finger, "You go now, young man or we will have a problem with each other."

"Momma," his voice was pleading. "I'm no tired."

"That's not tired but you will go to bed anyway." She pointed towards his bedroom, "Now!"

"Momma, please," he pouted and looked at Angel, hoping the new guest, the man he had already seen yesterday would make all the difference. He was Matt's friend and David liked him as well, so maybe ...

"Sorry partner," Angel gave him an apologetic smile, "but this is with your mom."

"Go, now," Buffy repeated.

When his bottom lip began to tremble, the ex-vampire said, "What if I would read you a story while your mom makes some coffee for us," he quickly glanced at the blonde to see if she was okay. Relieved he realised she was smiling.

"Yeah," David squealed happily. "Okay momma?"

"Yes, okay," she agreed. "But one story only. Is that clear?"

"Come on, partner, one story. Show me the way." Giving Buffy a quick grin he followed David into the bedroom and looking at his retreiving back the former slayer suddenly knew that she'd fallen in love with him allover again.

"You're even better with kids than I thought," Buffy smiled at Angel over the rim of her cup. "David usually needs some time to open up to strangers."

The ex-vampire shrugged, "I like children."

"Yeah, one can see that. So," she made, changing the subject. "Cordy and Gunn are off on their honeymoon?"

"Gunn threatened to file for a divorce if she wouldn't go, or worse, go on his own to Vegas and date all the girls there," he laughed and Buffy's heart melted at the unfamiliar sound. Of course she had heard him laugh like this before, during 24 hours that were taken away from her, that she only knew from a very disturbing dream.

Angel saw her frowning and put his cup down, "Buffy? Are you alright?"

"Sorry," she looked up. "I was just ... I was thinking about the day the Oracles turned back."

The smile instantly disappeared from his face. "I see," was all he replied. "I ..," he started to say, but she interrupted him.

"No, please let me first. When I told you I was angry with you for it, it was only partially true. I'm not angry for taking the day back to save my life. God, how could I when the sacrifice was your own. Nobody ever did something like that for me."

"I'd do it again in an instant," he said and she knew it was the truth. It was written in his eyes.

"Yeah ... well," she cleared her throat, "but I was angry because you didn't ask me first and kept it from me after."

"I know," he replied. "But when I went to the Oracles I never thought they would turn back the day. I thought ...," he shook his head, "I guess I didn't know what was going to happen. I went there to ask about the consequences of me being human. And they told me you would die. So I asked them to turn me back that I would be strong enough to fight by your side in the final battle and the only way they could offer was to turn back time. It was the hardest decision I ever made in my life.

"And I was thinking about telling you, you have to believe me, but then you were crying in my arms, asking me how to go on with your life knowing what could've been. So I thought it was for the best you'd never know. Maybe it was wrong, but I can't change it anymore." He watched her face for a moment and then asked, "When did you get that special memory?"

"Two weeks after the hellmouth was closed," she answered. She looked into her cup and added silently, "After that my marriage broke apart."

"I'm sorry," he said softly.

"No," she glanced at him quickly, "if I'm honest with myself I have to admit that Brent and I were never rally meant to be. But when I first started having doubts, Ashlynn was only two months old, so we tried to make it work and Brent was in love with me. So I smiled and tried to be a good wife for him. And for some years we were quite happy."

"I know," was all he replied and she realised that she'd never been out of his thoughts. This knowledge wrapped itself like a warm blanket around her heart.

"Angel," her voice suddenly sounded urgent. "There's one thing I need to know, one thing that always bothered me."

"Ask."

"Why didn't you call me when you became human? I understand that you didn't tell me about the Shansu-prophecy, because nobody could tell you when it was going to happen, but then you were. Human, I mean, and still you didn't call."

"You were married, Buffy," he said slowly, "Cordelia told me there were problems in your relationship with Brent and I started to hope, thought about going to see you, but it wouldn't have been fair. I didn't want you to make a decision only because I was human and ... available." He paused and then added, his voice barely above a whisper, "And I thought you loved him."

"Oh."

"Yeah," he continued. "So I stayed away and about six months later I met Anna. We were only dating, it was nothing serious and I was still hoping ... well, but then one day Cordelia told me you were having another baby." He raised his head from the coffee-cup and looked her in the eye, "Two weeks later I married Anna."

Silence settled over the room while his words sunk in. Buffy suddenly understood what had driven him to marry a woman he obviously never loved. "I'm sorry," she whispered after a while. "When I heard that you were human it threw me. I waited and waited that you would call, but you never did. Brent and I were on the crossroads and when I didn't hear from you, I thought I just wans't important enough for you anymore and gave in to his idea to have another baby. Needless to say that it wasn't working."

A harsh sound escaped his mouth when he stared at her, "Not important enough," he echoed, unable to progress her words. "God, Buffy, I you knew ...," he shook his head and let out an unhappy laugh, "you were everything to me. All my life it seems I've been waiting for you," he stood up and began to pace the room. "When Whistler showed you to me all these years ago it was like a blow in my gut. Your smile, your heart ... it turned my life upside down. I was a homeless man in New York, living off the rats in the streets, but suddenly I had a purpose in my life."

He paused and looked at her again, "Falling in love with you ... it happened so fast and hard ... I was right in the middle before I even realised what had happened. And I was so blinded by love that I made myself believe it could work between us ... then came your 17th birthday, I lost my soul and the harsh reality came crushing down on us."

He flinched when he felt her hand touching his arm and she quickly pulled it back. He hadn't even realised she had stood up and walked towards him. "It was the same for me," she admitted. "When I found out you were a vampire it was already too late. And none of my friends could understand what had happened. After all I was just 16 and not supposed to fall in love like that. They all thought it was just a teenage crush that would fade." Now she laughed unhappily, "They had no idea."

"None at all," he agreed, but didn't turn to her.

"I was so angry when you left me," her voice was quiet but there was no accusation in it, "but I know you did it for me. So that I could have what you couldn't offer me."

"It broke my heart, Buffy," he admitted. "But I'm still glad I did it. It gave you the oportunity to have children, to have a family. To live a life as normal as possible."

There was another silence, both knew his words were true and Buffy couldn't tell him that she would've been happy without her children. She loved them so much, a life without them she didn't want to begin to imagine, if he'd stayed they both would probably never been born. But another thought entered her mind, "You love children very much, don't you?" she asked.

"Yeah," he replied.

"But you and your wife didn't have any, did you?"

"No," his answer was surprisingly sharp and he walked away from her, needing distance.

"Was it because you didn't love her?," she asked and then quickly added, "I know I have absolutely no right to ask this, it's just ... well, I can't really understand ..."

"It's okay," he turned back to her, his voice soft. "The answer to your first question - if it even was one - no, I didn't love Anna. We were attracted to each other, but there was never love between us. I already told you why I married her. About kids," he ran a hand through his hair, "she wanted a baby, but we found out I couldn't have any. There's no medical explanation for it, so I just assume it's a side effect of having been a vampire for over 200 years, maybe not everything was restored when I finally was made human." Suddenly he shrugged, "But then it's maybe better that way, what kid would like a father with a past like mine."

Her heart broke for him in that moment. This man had suffered so much in his life and still he was accepting any sort of punishment, was even able to find a reason in his infertility. "Oh Angel," she said, suppressing the threatening tears. "I'm sorry."

"Hey," he tried a smile and was glad it worked. "I'm okay with it. There's nothing one can do. I just have to accept it." He took a deep breath and then told her, "In the end she took it as a reason to file for a divorce. But we agreed on it and for this special case I'm even glad. To have a baby for all the wrong reasons would've been a disaster. This way we parted as friends. She is married again and I hope she's happy."

"I'm still sorry," she insisted. "You would be a wonderful father. Just think the way you are with Matt or with David today. He already adores you."

Now was the moment, he realised. He had to ask the question he been trying to avoid. Angel gathered all his courage and asked, "Well, I could maybe read stories more often to him if I'm going to see his mom on a regular basis, which I would like very much. That is, if you would like it?"

His voice was full of uncertainty and hope and if Buffy hadn't already realised it, now she would've certainly known that she was lost. She was right in the middle of the cold water and all she could do now was swim and hope he wouldn't let her drown. She would have to trust him and all of a sudden it wasn't difficult at all. The way they had talked, the way his eyes were resting on her, it wasn't really much of choice. So she walked over to him and put a hand on his arm. When his eyes were finally looking into hers she whispered, "I would like that very much."

Part Ten

The following weeks went smoothly. Angel drove over to Sunnydale as often as he could. He came and took Buffy and the kids to the park, invited them for lunch, took them to the movies, they went to the beach together, they talked a bit more, laughed and talked again. Both enjoyed the time they spent with each other, became more and more comfortable in each others company. But still, even after three weeks they hadn't kissed once. They were even hesitant to touch.

It was almost as if they were both afraid to take the next step. And although both were by now sure about the feelings for each other none of them would talk about it. After the first day Angel had come to Buffy's apartment the conversations between them didn't touch the painful past anymore. It wasn't completely true, Buffy had to admit. They were talking about the past, about Xander and Willow, about Spike or some of their adventures, but never about things regarding their relationship.

And after all the time they had spent together and because she was absolutely sure about her feelings towards Angel, Buffy sometimes wanted to scream, when he just said good-bye, bent down for a brotherly kiss on her cheek and promised the kids to be back soon. She was almost convinced that she'd understood him wrong that day in her apartment and that all he wanted was a friendship when she caught him looking at her one day at the beach.

They were sitting on towels in the sand. David was trying to build a sand-castle nearby while Ashlynn played with other girls and Buffy was busy rubbing sun-lotion on her legs when she had the feeling he was watching her. Quickly looking up their eyes met and the expression of deep longing in his chocolate ones almost took her breath away. But he quickly turned his head and put his sunglasses back on.

And suddenly everything was so clear she almost wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. She was such an idiot, she scolded herself. He waited for *her* to make the first move. He waited, because he wanted her to feel comfortable, because he felt he had no right to press her, because he was afraid she would reject him and mostly because he was Angel. Sweet, caring, loving, wonderful Angel, so different from all the other men she'd ever met that she'd almost forgotten how special he was.

How could she've been so blind! Hadn't he himself told her that he'd already brought too much pain into her life and that he didn't want to be the cause of more? He would wait until she would give him a sign and after all the confusing signals she'd sent out at the beginning it was no surprise he was uncertain around her. So he would behave all gentleman-like and take whatever she was ready to give, even if it was choking him up.

Well, she thought, suddenly feeling light-hearted, he wouldn't misunderstand her from now on. She would make her wishes crystal-clear, "Angel?"

"Hmmm?," he was laying on his back beside her, the sunglasses covering his eyes, so she didn't know if they were closed or watching her.

She popped herself up on an ellbow and looked over to him, "I was thinking," she said, deliberately using a casual tone.

"About what?," he asked and didn't move or turn his head, but Buffy could feel the sudden tension in his body and maybe she was imagining it, but she could've sworn his breathing had quickened.

"About us," she answered and took some sand in her palm only to let it run through her fingers again.

"Oh?"

"You know Angel," she said suddenly, "these one-syllable-reactions are getting old after some time."

He raised his upper body, removed the glasses and gave her an uncertain smile, "Sorry, but I honestly didn't know what to say."

"I see," she was looking at the ground, still playing with the sand. "Maybe it's because you don't have much to say about us."

She didn't look at him but could feel he was suddenly speechless. And then when she wanted to scream because she couldn't stand the silence anymore, he said, "No. Of course I have something to say about ... us. It's just ... well, I don't know if ...," he began to stutter, "that is, if you ... I mean ... I don't want ... oh, hell, I'm not good at this."

"This?" She still didn't raise her head, because she didn't want him to see her smile.

"This," he motioned with his hand at her and him, "us. You and me." He ran a helpless hand through his hair, "I'm not sure how you feel about this. Us. You are friendly, all smiles and laughter, but you never...," he drew an unsteady breath, "you are so relaxed around me while all I can think about is pulling you in my arms and kiss you senseless." And then after a second he added, "There, now you know what I feel. Now you can tell me to go and never come back."

"Oh Angel," finally she did look up and her eyes were shining with happy tears. "Do you realise that I was afraid you were just interested in playing the good friend?"

"What," his voice broke and he had to clear his throat, "what do you mean?"

"I was beginning to question my female attractivity, because you were so ... so friend-like. Just a kiss on the cheek and bye-bye, but you never even tried to kiss me once, on the mouth I mean. First you tell me you think I'm the most beautiful woman you know...,"

"You are," he interrupted her.

She smiled, "Thanks. But then you behave as if ... well, as if I'm a good friend. And today I just needed to know."

"But ... but I thought you... I was not sure, what you wanted me to do, that is. And ... I was so afraid I would do something wrong and mess this up. Besides the fact that Cordelia is threatening to quarter me in that case, the thought you wouldn't want me around anymore was more I could bear." He hesitantly reached out and took her hand in his, "So I thought that being your friend was better than nothing. I thought if you were comfortable around me then maybe you would ... one day ... Buffy, I have waited so long. Some weeks are nothing."

The meaning behind his words hit her full force and all she could do was stare at him with wide eyes. Finally she choked, "Do you ...," she cleared her throat, "do you mean you never stopped loving me?"

Now it was his turn to be stunned, "Did you ever doubt it?"

"I ...," again there were tears in her eyes, "I'm not sure. I mean, I wasn't sure about it. Maybe it was because I was so young when we first met, just a teenager, uncertain and without any experience regarding relationships, I don't know. Maybe I was just pushing the thought away because I was feeling so hurt after you left me," she shook her head at the certainty in his eyes, "You really never stopped loving me. Never?"

He had to smile, he couldn't suppress it, "Never. Buffy I already told you, falling in love with you was something I had no control about. It just happened and I instantly knew this was forever." He quickly glanced to the ground, then looked back into her eyes, "But of course I never expected you to feel the same. As you said, you were a teenager, I might have been your first love and your first lover, but ...,"

"No," she interrupted him sharply. "You never were just a teenage-crush. And I might not have been so sure, might have doubted my feelings for you, might have wavered, but deep inside I never stopped loving you either." She drew a shaky breath, feeling suddenly weak after their confessions, "Would you now kiss me please?"

He had to laugh, but it was a bit uncertain, "Are you sure," his eyes darted to David, who was only some meters away. She followed and then grinned.

"I really don't care. They better get used to this, because I'm not going to let you go again and besides, they already love you. So..."

Now his smile was genuine and the love shining from his eyes warmed her heart, "You don't have to ask me twice," he said and caught her lips with his.

"Hey Ashlynn," Karen, one girl around the same age as Buffy's daughter nudged her in the ribs.

"What?," the blonde girl asked.

"Isn't that your mom over there kissing? But didn't you say the guy was not your dad, but just a friend."

Ashlynn spun around and as soon as her eyes fell on the kissing couple her eyes went wide. The only man she'd seen her mother kiss before had been her father and they hadn't kissed very often. Brotherly kisses on the cheek like she gave Xander didn't count. And now Angel, the man she'd come to like a lot seemed as if he was stuck to her mother at the lips. His hands were allover Buffy's back and she clung to him as if her life was depending on it.

But to her great surprise Ashlynn didn't it mind at all. Until now she'd always thought it gross to think about kissing someone on the mouth, but with her mother and Angel it just looked ... right. Maybe it was because he'd already found a way into her heart, maybe it was because her mother had never seemed so happy before or maybe part of it was her longing to have a father around and her own didn't seem to care for her ever since her parents were divorced. Not that he had been the most caring father before.

She didn't hate her father, no she liked him a lot ... when he was around, but unfortunately it had never been very much. He'd always been so busy and now he didn't even live in the same town anymore. She'd been hurt at first that he didn't seem to care, but her mom seemed so sad that she didn't want to add more grief by telling her about her feelings. And David of course was too small to even miss his dad. But ever since Angel was around she didn't miss her dad the same way she'd before. He was laughing with her, was playing games with her or listening to her stories and she'd already silently thought about the possibility of him being around constantly.

She glanced back at her mother and Angel who were now looking into each others eyes and smiling and found herself smiling as well. People who kissed usually were married or lived together, right? And then Angel would live with them and she could cuddle to him whenever she wanted.

She turned to Kate and grinned, "His name is Angel. And he isn't just my mom's friend. He is mine too."

Part Eleven

"Morning Mom," Buffy greeted Joyce when she breezed into the house at Robello Drive, David on her arm and a smile on her face.

"Hi honey, you look ... radiant, I say," Mrs. Summers eyed her daughter curiously.

"I feel great," the former slayer replied and walked into the living-room to put her son down, he was already becoming impatient in her arms. He wanted to play on grandma's floor where all his toys were still lying around from the last time he'd been here.

"I can see that." Joyce wasn't quite sure what to think about her daughter's attitude this morning. But she was sure something important must have happened. Buffy looked as if she wanted to conquer the world, the energy was radiating from her and her eyes were shining. Joyce might have been oblivious once but she had a certain idea what could be the cause of all this. She casually leaned against the doorframe and when her daughter turned and looked at her, she said, "I guess you and Angel talked."

It wasn't much of a question, Buffy noticed immediately. Of course her mother knew that she and Angel were seeing each other, but obviously she'd also noticed that it hadn't been going the way her daughter wanted for a while. "We have," Buffy replied, "yesterday I suddenly saw everything so clear before me. He was just afraid to take the next step because he wasn't sure how I'd react." She smiled, "so I took the matters in my own hands."

"I see," one corner of Joyce's mouth twitched. "Is it safe to say that you've taken the next step now?"

"Well, we kissed for a start. God, mom, you should've seen him. He was so hesitant, so uncertain ... if I hadn't been in love with him before I would've fallen in love with him then." She laughed and shook her head.

"Love?," Mrs. Summers raised a brow and stepped closer, "Honey are you sure about it? Are you sure it isn't just because you feel alone and Angel reminds you of happy times when you were young?"

"What's this," Buffy frowned at her mother, "I thought you were okay with this?"

"I am," Joyce replied quickly. "And the way your eyes are shining I don't think you'd really care what I say. No, I just want to be certain that you're sure about this."

"I am sure. Mom, I love him. I always loved him. And the things connected to Angel and our past are ... let's just say they aren't that nice. In fact these were the things that stood between us, but we talked about it. The first day he came to my apartment and yesterday after we kissed we talked again. Mom, I love him so much and because I knew it all the time it scared me to death. With Angel there is no half-way, it isn't safe, I cannot just hide some part of me. I have to open up and make myself vulnerable.

"And he hurt me before, but we talked and I understand now why he did the things he did and there were a lot of misunderstandings too. And I trust him, I know he would never hurt me deliberately. And I know he loves me too," she took a deep breath and smiled at her mother, "Does this answer your question?"

Now Mrs. Summers smiled as well, "It does. And I didn't want to give you the third degree, but you are my daughter and I love you and I don't want you to get hurt again."

"I know and I'm not angry or something. But I just feel this is right and this brings me to my next question," she bit her lower lip. "Angel wants to take me out for dinner tonight and ... well ...," she blushed slightly.

Her mother grinned, "You want me to take the kids for the night?"

"Yeah," Buffy let out a breath of relief. "I don't know what's going to happen after dinner, we didn't talk about it, but ...," she trailed off and blushed a bit more.

"Honey," Joyce laid a hand on her daughter's arm. "I understand. Of course I take the kids. David can stay here and I get Ashlynn after school. You know how they like to stay with me for a night."

"Thanks," the former slayer hugged her mother. "You're the best. I owe you for this."

"No you don't," Mrs. Summers replied and pulled back. "Just be happy. That's all I need."

"I am," Buffy said dreamily, "I really am."

"So you're taking her out for dinner. Does that mean you stay there overnight?," Cordelia grinned at the former vampire who was going through his wardrobe.

"You're having naughty thoughts, Cordelia," he replied, not looking at her, "Ever since your honeymoon your thoughts only seem to go into a certain direction."

A laughter escaped her throat, "Haha, very funny. Because you never have these thoughts when you look at Buffy!"

Angel silently spoke a quick prayer of patience, took a deep breath and said, "Honestly, that's none of your business."

"Hey," she grinned, "I think this really embarrasses you, doesn't it? For all the years you were around you just can't get over your 18th century Irish-catholic upbringing." She laughed out loud, "I can't believe it."

He slightly shook his head and turned to look at her, "No, Cordelia, it doesn't embarrass me. I just don't want to talk about it. Whatever Buffy and I are going to do is between us. I'm not going to discuss this with you. Period."

"You wouldn't even be together now if it wasn't for me."

"Maybe," he admitted, "and I'll be eternally grateful for that, but now it stops. Buffy and I are together and it's for us to decide where and how to go from here." He shot her a stern glance, then decided for the dark green jacket Cordelia had persuaded him to buy some weeks ago.

"Fine," she pouted, "but don't blame me if something goes wrong."

He gave her a smile, then grabbed his wallet and checked the pockets of his trousers for his car keys. On his way out he stopped in front of her, "I love you, Cordelia. And thanks." He kissed her on the cheek and walked down the stairs. When he opened the door that led towards the garage, he heard her behind him, "Have a nice evening and give my love to Buffy. Oh and don't think I'll forget the part about you being eternally grateful."

Angel groaned when he climbed into his car, he should really be more careful with words, especially around Cordelia.

"I'm so glad that you could come over," Buffy gave Willow a grateful smile while she applied her makeup. She'd called the red-head an hour ago and told her she needed a second opinion about clothes.

Willow had raised a brow at the other end of the line because she wouldn't have thought of herself as the first choice when it came to fashion, but the nervous tremble in Buffy's voice had told her that the question had merely been an excuse. The former slayer wanted someone to talk to and listening had always been one of Willow's best qualities, plus she'd seen the change in Buffy's behaviour ever since she and Angel were seeing each other again. The fact that the couple was on the brick of something serious again hit right to the core of the red-head's romantic heart. And it made her feel good. Hadn't she always thought Angel and Buffy were just right for each other?

"When will Angel be here?," she asked.

"At seven thirty," Buffy replied and glaced at the clock. A slightly panicked look entered her eyes. "It's already six thirty. Only an hour left. And look at me, I'll never going to be ready in time."

Willow had to laugh, "I think Angel won't mind to wait," she assured her friend. It was heartwarming to see the former slayer like this. Buffy might have been happily married for some years, she might have felt comfortable with Riley for a while but she hadn't radiated this kind of happiness since her 17th birthday. It was of the carefree kind and Willow decided that if anybody had earned to feel like this it was Buffy. And Angel of course, she added quickly.

With a doubtful look that made Willow laugh again, Buffy stood up and walked over to the three dresses she'd selected before. "What do you think?"

"Buffy, you are going to wear it," she reminded the blonde.

"I know," the former slayer sighed. "Angel said I should dress up a bit. A bit! What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

The red-head grinned, "Not too fancy, I guess."

Buffy shot her best friend a nasty look, "You're a great help you know."

"I'm not really the fashion expert here," Willow defended herself. "The only one who would be good in that department is in L.A. I'd be better if you wanted to shop online."

"Very funny," the blonde crossed her arms in front of her chest and stared at the three dresses. "Do you think red is ... I dunno ... too obvious?"

Willow cocked a brow, "Too obvious?"

"You know, sexually. In psychology I learned that red is a sexual aggressive colour." She stopped and bit her lower lip, a sure sign that she wasn't feeling too comfortable about the subject, "I don't want to make Angel uncomfortable. I don't even know if he's planning to ... not that I wouldn't want ... I mean," embarrassed she interrupted herself and her shoulders sagged. "God, Willow, I behave like a nervous teenager on her first date."

"That's because it's important to you, Buffy," the red-head said gently. "And frankly I don't think a sexual hint would make Angel uncomfortable. If you want to hear my opinion, I think he would welcome it."

"God, I hope you're right," Buffy said without thinking, only to blush furiously. "Maybe I better keep my mouth shut tonight before I completely embarrass myself."

"Angel loves you," Willow replied. "I think he'll understand perfectly. I wouldn't be surprised at all if he's even more nervous than you."

She couldn't have been more right. The former vampire sat in his car on his way towards Sunnydale and his thoughts ran wild. What would she expect him to do? Would she just say yes because she thought he wanted to make love to her? Would she feel uncomfortable again? He ran a hand through his hair, then put it back on the wheel.

Calm down, he told himself. You're over 250 years old, you're going to conquer this. Just let the evening happen and you'll see.

He just wished it would be as easy as it sounded.

Part Twelve

Angel pressed the doorbell and then shoved his free hand deep into his pocket feeling like a schoolboy on his first date. The other hand was holding a single yellow rose, but the moment Buffy opened the door all he could do was stare and the flower was instantly forgotten.

"Hi," she smiled at him. When he didn't say anything she frowned slightly, "Angel?"

"Oh, sorry," he gave her a loopsided grin, "You're just so beautiful."

Her smile grew wider, "Thank you. I'm glad you like the dress."

"Yeah," he breathed, hoping that his heart would stop racing, "I mean, I do," he said quickly, feeling suddenly breathless. Then he reminded the rose in his hand and held it out to her, "That's for you."

She took it from him and held it to her face, "Hmmm, smells wonderful. I just put it into a vase, then we can go. Why don't you come in for a moment?" She turned towards the kitchen, while Angel entered the apartment and closed the door behind him. He'd been here many times before, but tonight everything seemed different. After two minutes she was back and Angel was glad he had had the time to get himself under control. The red-dress she wore had caused more than only a slight arousal in him and he was glad he wasn't wearing tight leather pants that night.

"Okay, I'm ready now," she smiled at him expectantly.

"Fine," he smiled back. "Do you need a coat or something?," he asked looking pointedly at the strapless dress.

She shook her head, "No, it's warm outside and it doesn't look like raining. So I'll be alright."

He just nodded and opened the door for her.

Buffy glanced around the expensive restaurant Angel had her driven to. She'd already read about it in the newspaper. It was Italian and the gourmets were singing praises over it. Never, not in her wildest dreams, Buffy would've expected to dine here. But now that she sat there with Angel, she felt great. "This is like a dream," she said smiling at him. "I feel like Cinderella and you're the prince spoiling me."

He smiled back, "I'm glad you like it. I wanted this to be special. It's the first dinner we ever went to."

"It is, isn't it?," she said with an odd look in her eyes, "For all the years we know each other, we never went out for dinner."

"Well, I wasn't much for food before. And I doubt they would've served liquid diet in a restaurant."

Happiness flodded her heart to hear him making a joke about him having been a vampire. He was so relaxed about it now, the familiar pain was gone from his eyes, sometimes there was a flicker of it, like the moment he had told her he couldn't have children, but the fact that the PTB had given him his humanity seemed to make all the differece. He had redeemed himself, he had earned to experience this and he didn't refuse it anymore.

The waiter came and took their orders, then disappeared again. "Cordelia sends her love," he said, breaking the silence.

"Thanks," she grinned, "I'd never expected Cordelia to feel love for me."

He grinned as well, "Yeah, well, it's a post-honeymoon thing I think. Ever since she and Gunn came back, she's floating around the office. There's no other way to describe it." He laughed, "When I first met Gunn, I'd never thought he and Cordelia would fall for each other."

"They are very different, but then who could have been more different than a slayer and a vampire," she gave him a smile. "Cordy looks very happy. And Gunn seems to be a nice guy."

"He is," Angel confirmed. "And a good friend. He had it tough though. When we first met each other he tried to kill me." Seeing her gasp he shook his head, "Not me as in 'I want to kill Angel', but he was the leader of a bunch of kids fighting vampires. And I was one, no doubt at that. Then his sister was turned and he had to kill her." He paused for a moment thinking about a time when he had done the same or more specifically his demon. "After that he helped me from time to time and then came to work full time for Angel Investigations."

"So he's a street kid?"

"Yeah, you can say so. Cordelia's parents were shocked, to put it mildly, when she told them she was going to marry him."

"I didn't see them at the wedding," Buffy said slightly frowning.

He shook his head, "They didn't come. They simply refused to go. It hit her hard. Cordelia tries to be tough all the time and she tried to cover her disappointment and in the end she was okay somehow, but I wanted to go and strangle them for it. How can parents do such a thing to their child? I will never understand it."

"It's their loss. Just thinking that I couldn't go to Ashlynn's wedding," she suddenly laughed and at Angel's confused look she explained, "She would kill me, if she'd heard me saying this. For her boys are just stupid idiots. She isn't in that age where they become interesting."

"She's a wonderful child," he said warmly. "And David too. You can be very proud of them. And you're a wonderful mother, exactly how I always pictured you to be." A sad expression entered his eyes and he quickly tried to cover it, not to ruin the mood, but she'd already seen it.

She reached out and covered his hand that was laying on the table with hers, "I'm very sorry you cannot have children of your own, but ... well, don't understand me wrong. Brent loves his children and they love him too, but he's always so busy. Almost like my dad was. Ashlynn and David adore you, so dependent upon how serious this 'us' is going to be you could be their second father." Suddenly realising what she'd said, she tried to amend, "That is, I mean ... I didn't want to ..." She pulled her hand back, but Angel caught it and held it in his.

Locking his eyes with hers, he asked, "How serious do you want this to be, Buffy?"

"I ...," she began, but they were interrupted by the waiter who brought their drinks and the food. But Buffy had suddenly lost her appetite. His eyes had been so intense when he'd asked the question. Did it mean what she thought it did? And more importantly what was she going to do?

Buffy lifted her face towards the stars and smiled while marvelling in the feeling of her fingers entwined with Angels. After dinner he had asked her if she would like to go with him for a stroll at the beach. She had been thrilled by the thought and now she was walking beside him, both of them carrying their shoes in their free hands.

"It's a perfect evening," she said after they'd walked in silence for quite some time.

"It is," he confirmed and then stopped abruptly and pulled at her hand so that she was facing him. She shivered at the gleam she saw in his eyes and her heartbeat quickened. "There's just one thing. To make it entirely perfect I really need to do this." And with this he pulled her in his arms and caught her lips with his.

All rational thinking - did she ever think rationally she wondered - instantly fled her mind. They had already kissed yesterday, but tonight it was different. Tonight it seemed there were no barriers anymore. The kiss swept them back to the time of sweet innocence, when they'd still believed everything possible.

The shoes fell from her hand and Buffy's fingertips moved to his shirtfront and felt the skin warm through the cotton. His hands flattened on her warm, bare back, drawing her nearer as his tongue slipped between her silken lips, warm now, but bringing back some long-remembered essence as individual as a fingerprint. A sound rose in his throat and came a second time while his tongue duelled with hers.

"Buffy ... Buffy," he murmured, the name a bit slurred between their hungry mouths. And as the kiss grew greedier their bodies became more intimate with each other. Their mouths experimented, recalling how it had been in the past - a scrape of teeth against a soft inner lip, a gentle bite, an interchange of tongues, a suckling that seemed to tug deep within.

Buffy's body seemed to shimmer in response. It had been so long ... so long. His body pressing at hers was vital, resilient, healthy. Her breast peaked and yearned for the warmth of his hands.

But the kiss ended and he backed away to look down into her eyes, "Buffy," Angel whispered in wonder. "Is this real?," he asked. "It's almost as if we've never been apart. Do you feel it too?" Her wrapped her in two tight arms, her cheek resting against his chest as he rocked her, not able to let her go. "God, this is like a dream," he murmured into her hair.

She smiled against his chest and hugged him back, "Yes, it is. But it's reality."

"This night is like magic," he whispered, then smiled, "or maybe it's the magic of us, I don't know. And I honestly don't care."

She pulled back and smiled up at him, "It could be. But whatever it is, it could become a habit of mine."

"I believe, Buffy," he kissed her eyelids, "it could become one of mine too." The next kiss came down on her nose.

When his mouth again opened over hers she found herself clinging, kissing him back with nothing held back. His hand caressed her hip, then sought her flat stomach stopping right above her warm center.

His breath came hard and fast when he finally pulled back, "I think we better stop," he said with a little smile on his lips, "This could easily get out of hand."

She took one of his hands in hers, pulled it to her mouth and kissed it. "Don't stop because you think you have to," her eyes were shimmering brightly with love, "I want it too you know."

Again this expression of wonder entered his eyes, as if he couldn't believe the words she'd said. God, how she loved this man. And how much she wanted him right now. "But not here," he said. "We're not alone," he added with a pointed nod towards a couple who was coming towards them - obviously enjoying the summer night as well.

"We could go to my apartment," she suggested.

"But what about ...,"

"The kids are with my mom," she told him with a wink.

In response he laughed, realising she had expected it to happen. Sweeping her up in his arms he whirled her around, "Buffy Summers, your are amazing, and I love you."

"And I love you."

On to Part Thirteen