I Remember

by Jolanda

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters in this story, they belong to Joss Whedon
Author's notes: This takes place the day after Tanksgiving

"Do you think life can get any better than this?" Buffy wondered as she glanced at her best friend who was lying on the towel beside her. The sun was shining very bright and the sound of the breaking of the waves, made the two girls feel a bit drowsy.

The red head slowly shook her head. "I'm really glad you asked me to come." She turned her head to Buffy. "So do you wanna talk about it? I mean, it must have been hard seeing Angel after all this time."

Buffy shrugged her shoulders and closed her eyes again, turning her face to the sun. Willow leaned on one arm, still looking at the blond girl. Finally she opened her mouth, but she kept her eyes shut.

"It was kinda weird. I never expected that he could still get to me that way." She swallowed. "It's just that everytime I seem to get my life on track again, he shows up." She opened her eyes to look at Willow. "I wish it wasn't so hard."

Willow shrugged. "Love is never easy," she simply said.

Her words made Buffy sigh. Seeing him again had brought back a lot of feelings and memories that she had tried to bury and to forget. And although it still hurt like hell, she also had to admit to herself that the memories brought joy as well. She knew that all chances of ever being with him were lost, but she wanted to keep all her memories and cherish them for the rest of her life. The other morning, when she had left his office, she realized that what they had shared was so beautiful and so pure. She was pretty sure, that something like that only happened once in a life time.

"Want something to drink?" Buffy asked while she sat up to grab the bottle of water that was in her bag. She wrinkled her nose. "It's kinda lukewarm." She took a sip anyway. "Want some too?" She asked Willow, making a yuck-this-is-undrinkable-face. Willow was thirsty too, so she took the bottle from Buffy while her eyes followed the gorgeous looking lifeguard, who was standing a couple of metres away from them. Buffy noticed him too.

Suddenly they heard a young woman crying out for help and they saw the lifeguard come to the rescue. Buffy and Willow got up from their towels and ran into the water as well. When they reached the young woman, the lifeguard was already carrying the body of a man out of the water. The woman walked behind him. She looked frightened.

"Are you alright?" Buffy asked her.

The woman turned her head to Buffy as if she only just realized someone was walking next to her.

"I don't know what happened. All of sudden he was gone." She shook her head in disbelief.

The lifeguard laid the man down on the sand and started to give him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. The woman stood behind him and stared. Buffy knew that she was still in shock. The lifeguard kept on going for quite some time and Buffy could hear the sirens of the ambulance in the distance. Then the lifeguard stopped, looked up at the woman and slowly shook his head.

"I'm sorry," he said in a whisper.

The woman looked back at him for a second, then she closed her eyes. "No," she said softly, "it can't be. He can't be dead." Then she pushed the lifeguard aside and threw herself onto the body of the man. "He's not dead," she cried out. "You're not dead. I..I felt your heart beat."

'I felt your heart beat.' The words of the young woman echoed in Buffy's head. 'I felt your heart beat.' Her insides froze. She glanced over at Willow. She swallowed.

"Willow, I don't feel so good. I have to go," she said. She started walking towards their towels.

"Buffy, Buffy stop." Willow ran after her. "Where are you going?"

Buffy started to put on her short jeans and her tank top. She grabbed her sneakers and her bag.

"I have to go. I'll meet you at my dads' later." Then she turned and left a confused Willow behind.

'I felt your heart beat.'

When she was walking down the streets of LA the words of the young woman were still going through her mind and she was overwhelmed by all these feelings that she just couldn't place. The only thing she did know was that they all had something to do with Angel. She had to see him, ask him what they meant. Deep down inside, she knew that he was the only one who could provide her with the answers.

When she finally reached his office, she didn't have the guts to walk in. She knew how much it was going to hurt seeing him again so she doubted. She was this close to turning around and leaving but then she heard the words of the woman again. And this time they came with a memory. She saw herself with Angel, crying, touching his chest and repeating the young woman's words. If she wanted to know what was going on, she had to go in.

The door made a creaky sound when she opened it slowly. She saw Cordelia who had fallen a sleep behind her desk. Carefully she stepped in and closed the door behind her, not wanting to wake her up. She could feel her heart beating in her throat as she approached Angel's office. She glanced through the door to discover that he was alone. He was sitting behind his desk, writing something down. She took a deep breath and opened the door.

"I don't want anymore coffee Cordelia, thank you," he said without looking up from his work.

However, when nobody answered, he did.

"Buffy." His voice sounded like it always sounded when he said her name. Full of pain and love at the same time. "What are you doing here?"

There were so many things going through her mind, so many feelings, so many questions, so many memories of a day that never happened, but when she finally opened her mouth to speak the only thing that came out was: "I remember."

Angel swallowed. He slowly stood up from his chair, not sure if she meant what he thought she meant. He swallowed again, frowned his eyebrows.

"I loved the way the sun lit up the sparkles in your eyes." Buffy said, trying to hold back the tears.

"Oh my God, Buffy." Angel stepped away from the desk, slowly approaching her. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," he whispered.

Buffy backed away from him, shaking her head. "You're sorry," she said with disbelief in her voice. Her tears were now rolling down her cheeks, unstoppable.

"For what? For taking away the memories of the most beautiful day of my life? For taking away all the hope I had for us ever being together again?" She paused. "You never should have let me leave. You should have told me what happened," she said in a tiny voice.

Angel took a few steps closer to her. He was now only an armlength away.

"I thought that was what you wanted. You said that you didn't know how you had to go on living knowing what we could have had."

"Yeah well, I said a lot of things." Her voice sounded a bit softer and shaky.

Angel looked at the floor. "I didn't want to make things any harder than they already were. And I sure as hell didn't want to hurt you."

"I know you didn't," Buffy sniffed. "Could you.could you please hold me?" she said after a pause. Angel looked up at her and less than a second later she was in his arms. Oh how she had missed that. How she had missed him.

"It's so hard," she whispered. "I thought that in time it would get easier, but it didn't. And when I left here that morning, all the hope that I had carried with me since the night you left, was gone." She lifted her head a bit to look him in the eyes. "But this, this changes everything."

"It doesn't," Angel let her go and turned away from her. "I'm still me, a vampire cursed with a soul."

"Don't you dare say that." The tone in her voice was determined. She pulled his arm, turning him around again. "Look at me when I'm talking to you," she yelled. Don't you understand? We had a chance to be together and yes we threw it away, but that doesn't mean that it can never happen again" She paused, her eyes never leaving his. "Maybe not now, maybe not tomorrow, but maybe .. someday."

"All we have is a maybe," Angel slowly looked away from her.

"Maybe is enough," Buffy said. "And you would be surprised how many hearts have been filled with hope with only a maybe." She smiled faintly.

Angel slowly nodded, then looked at her. "I can't ask you to wait."

Buffy gave him a firm look. "I'll wait forever if I have to."

Angel raised his arm to wipe away a bit of sand that was on her chest. He smiled at her, not knowing what to say.

"Angel?" Buffy said after a while, "there's something I want to ask you."

When Buffy finally left Angel's office it was already dark. Cordelia had offered to drop her off at her father's. During the ride she didn't say anything. In her mind she was reliving the forgotten day. And she was happy. Happy with this beautiful gift, these beautiful memories. But that wasn't the only thing that made her smile. There was something else too. A promise and letters. She had told him how hard it was to be without him and she had asked him if he would write to her. So she knew what was going on in his life. She promised him to write back. A big smile had appeared on Angel's face and he had turned around and had opened a drawer that was full of sheets of paper. He had handed them over to her with the remark that she had quite some catching up to do.

Buffy smiled in herself and when Cordelia pulled over at her father's, she couldn't wait to hit the sack and read the letters under the covers with a little flashlight.

END.