A Glimpse of His Face

by Mariah

Part Fourteen

Angel opened his eyes slowly, welcoming the familiar dimness of his apartment, instead of the bright light he remembered from inside the Initiative. He needed a few seconds to adjust to the room all over again, partly unsure if he wasn't simply hallucinating. Maybe he wasn't home at all, and instead of lying in his bed, he was really lying on the floor in that cage they had locked him in. Or maybe.everything that had happened to him within the last.it seemed to him like several hours, was not more than just a bad dream.

He let that thought drop pretty fast though. Every spot in his body ached, and that pain was a bit too veritable to be a mere dream. And besides, he wasn't sure about anything anymore. He didn't remember what had happened to him lately. Or maybe he did remember, but everything was so vague, it was difficult to place it either in the real world, or in the dream world he assumed he was in now.

At least his hands weren't cuffed anymore. He was sure of that, because one of them was resting on his chest. And the other.Angel's eyes roamed after his other hand, and found it on Buffy's hip, covered with hers. She was sitting next to him on the bed, her eyes fixed on a page in a textbook, the apathy towards whatever's written in it evident on her features.

Angel smiled, turning his hand underneath her palm, and taking it in his own.

Buffy's eyes instantly disconnected from the book, and she looked at him, putting the book aside.

"Hey," she stroked his face gently, kissing his forehead, "welcome back. How are you feeling?"

"Like I've been ran over by a truck.a few hundred times," he replied, grimacing from the pain, and tried to sit up, but Buffy's firm hands on his shoulders forced him to lie down.

"Why won't you wait a while before returning to our busy slaying schedule, ha?" she grinned.

Angel closed his eyes for a moment, covering his face with both hands. "What did they do to me?" he asked.

"Other than obviously beating the crap out of you, Riley promised me they did a big nothing."

"Riley?" Angel removed his hands from his face, and Buffy took one of them in her own, bringing it to her lips and kissing it softly.

"He got you out," she smiled, then looked away. "If he hadn't been there."

"Come here," Angel guided her head on his chest, and Buffy lay down, wrapping her arms around him.

"I'm hurting you," she observed quietly.

Angel hugged her to him, stroking her hair. "It's the kind of pain I can live with."

"I'm so glad you're here," she whispered. "Angel, I.I was so scared.I've never been so scared in my life."

"Shh." he kissed her head. "It's over. I'm here, and it's over, and it's not gonna happen again."

"And why not?" Buffy looked up abruptly. "Why won't it happen again, Angel? Something tells me they aren't of the giving-up type. They'll be back. They won't let us get away with it. You're obviously too important to them."

Angel lay her head back on his chest, briefly brushing his lips against her forehead. "They won't come."

"Why?" she tightened her embrace around him. "They made our lives a living Hell once, nothing will stop them the second time."

"Because if I had been half as important to them as you say I am, they would have been here already. The first place they'd look, if they wanted to find me, would be my home."

Buffy sighed. He had a point, a really strong one even, but. "I'm still scared, Angel. When I came home from college, and I found everything upside down, I.I didn't even stop to consider the possibility they might have taken you a prisoner, I thought." she couldn't go on, and Angel knew why.

"I love you," he said tenderly, kissing her crown.

Buffy smiled. "I love you."

Someone cleared their throat, and both Buffy and Angel's faces turned to where the sound came from.

"Sorry," Riley looked down to the floor, "I just.I heard voices. I thought I'd come to see if." he looked down again. "Sorry."

Buffy turned to Angel. "I, well.I offered Riley to stay with us for a few days. The Initiative, they, well.kinda want him dead right now."

"I slept on the couch," Riley announced, feeling incredibly stupid after these words had left his lips, realizing that statement was completely improper. He looked back at Angel. "And.I'll leave the moment you'll tell me to."

Buffy glanced between the two men, and her eyes fixed on her boyfriend. She smiled, climbing out of the bed. "I'll leave you guys to sort things out, okay?" she kissed Angel's lips gently, and he smiled too. "I'll warm you up some blood, and don't even tell me you're not starving."

Angel wanted to protest, hating the fact she needed to do that, but his reason prompted him he wasn't in a state to do it himself, and he REALLY was starving.

"Oh, one more thing," Buffy turned around, just before leaving towards the kitchen. "Don't even THINK about standing up, or even sitting, because I'll know." She flashed him one final beam, and left.

Angel focused on Riley, who was still standing at the same spot as before, waiting for him to start talking, because HE definitely didn't know what to say.

Riley looked up from the floor he'd probably known every scratch on by now, into Angel's eyes.

"You know, I don't bite, so since I'm strictly forbidden to move, you might as well come closer, unless, of course, you wanna make it a long-distance discussion."

Riley chuckled, and took a chair, nearing it to the bed. "I owe you an apology," he said, after he had sat down.

"Really?" Angel propped himself up on his elbows, but the same minute lay back down, wincing in pain.

"For that," Riley motioned at him. "Everything that's happened to you.it's my fault. I hope you can forgive me.one day."

"Forgive you?" Angel arched a brow. "You risked your life, and saved mine. Do you need forgiveness for that too?"

"It doesn't cover for."

"I know why you did it, Riley," Angel interrupted him.

"You do?"

Angel chuckled, wincing slightly due to that. "It might sound funny to you, but two-hundred-and-fifty years ago, I was your age."

Riley nodded in realization, grinning to himself.

"I did so many stupid things in my youth, Riley, that neither of us wants to go there. And believe it or not, but I too was sometimes driven by jealousy."

"Has anything of what you've done ever nearly cost someone his life?"

"Oh, you wanna talk about that? Fine by me. Do you know that I murdered my own little sister, with my bare hands?" He closed his eyes for a second, bringing his hands to his head as he slightly winced in pain. Then he went on, his voice somewhat weaker, which made Riley to only despise himself more for everything he'd done. "And that then I killed my parents," Angel whispered huskily, "and everyone else I used to know and was close to me while I had been human? How's that for a start?" he weakly turned his head to peer into the blond man's eyes, and that was the first time Riley had ever seen the true amount of pain and sorrow in the vampire's. "I know that technically my demon was the one who did those horrible things, but do you honestly think that I care? I live with these memories, Riley, and it's the same as if I did it myself. Don't argue with me about guilt. I assure you, you'll lose."

"I'm sorry about that."

"Yeah, me too, but a couple of hundred years later, it doesn't really make a difference."

Riley shook his head in protest. "I shouldn't have done it. I shouldn't have told anyone. All this could have been avoided, if I had just kept my mouth shut. I didn't have the right."

"No, you probably didn't, but looking back at my life, neither did I, concerning too many things to count, and I still did them."

"Yeah. But unlike you, I had a choice. You know, if I.if I didn't save you, I would think of myself as a murdered for the rest of my life. I wouldn't be able to live with myself. That's why.in some sense, I think that me saving your life was.selfish."

"Selfish?" Angel chuckled. "Please, define selfish for me, cuz I really don't see how selfish describes risking your own life for.for a vampire."

"I almost didn't do this, just so you know. If I'm coming clean already, hear this. I almost didn't go through with it, because for a moment, I thought that if I.if I sacrificed you, I.I." he stuttered, unsure of how to say what he had intended to.

"You'd have Buffy all to yourself."

Riley looked away.

"Again, I know why you did that. I personally felt I wanted to kill every single guy who's ever come too close to her over the years, by the way, including you. I know what jealousy is, Riley. And I'm not as naive as you think. And together with that, I owe you my life." Angel suddenly looked away from him, staring off into space. "I thought I'd never see her again. When they captured me, all I thought of.what I dreaded the most was never seeing her again. I even.I suddenly wasn't sure if I told her 'I love you' that morning, because if I never came back, I feared she would never know just how much I." his voice cracked and he closed his eyes for a brief moment. "Thanks to you, I got to tell her I loved her."

"You really do," Riley observed, quietly, somewhat sadly.

Angel turned his face to him. "I do what?"

"Love her. I understand it now. I mean, I knew it before too, just refused to admit it. I had to be pretty dumb not to see.but now, I'm sure. You're lucky, you know, the two of you, cuz she loves you just as much, I know that now. She's safe with you, and she's loved, and she's truly happy. I doubt she'd be half of these things if she were with me. You two.you're lucky. I was a real bastard, wasn't I?" he chuckled bitterly.

"I told you already, I forgive you, but if you're so anxious to hate yourself, be my guest. I really can't do anything about that."

"Are you always so forgiving to those who wanted to kill you?"

"I ask him that everyday, but he just wouldn't stop," Buffy replied to Riley's question, entering the room with a mug of pig's blood.

"Or maybe I'm just not in a position to judge people," Angel offered with a smile.

"Really?" Buffy frowned. "Well, you seem to judge my mother's cooking very well."

Angel grinned. "Human food has no taste for me, my love. I cannot possibly judge your mother's cooking."

"You said you didn't like it."

"I couldn't like it, I've just told you why."

"Mom's still not gonna be very happy about it," Buffy mused, as she sat next to him on the bed, putting the mug she'd been holding on a nightstand next to it.

Angel encircled his arms around her waist, beaming. "Then maybe I should keep you here all the time, and that way you'll never get to tell your mother what I think about her cooking."

Buffy leaned down and kissed him softly. "Such ideas you have," she whispered seductively.

Angel grinned. "I'm a very creative guy."

"Don't I know it," she sat up straight, and gently helped Angel to sit as well, tucking pillows behind his back.

"Are you okay?" she asked him.

He nodded, though couldn't keep the pained expression off of his face. Every move he made was involved with an almost unbearable ache all through his body.

Buffy retrieved the cup of blood from the nightstand, and held it for Angel to drink.

Riley watched the two in silence, admiring something he'd almost destroyed for good.

The Slayer was sitting on the bed next to her boyfriend, one of her arms draped around his shoulders, her hand stroking his spiny hair, while his head was resting on her chest. She was holding a cup of blood in her free hand, which the vampire in her arms gradually sipped from, as she was kissing his head from time to time.

Part Fifteen

Blinking, Angel opened his eyes, and yawned.

"Hey," he heard a soft familiar voice, followed by a tender kiss behind his earlobe. "I was wondering if you were gonna wake up before I was gonna have to leave."

Angel moved his arms from under his face to the sides of his body. Still lazily prone on their large bed, he flashed her a loving smile. "I can't miss the chance to tell you good morning."

Buffy grinned, and lay her hands on his back, gently caressing the smooth pale skin.

"Don't stop," Angel murmured.

Buffy leant down, and kissed the corner of his mouth. "As much as it's nice to hear, I'm hardly that good."

"You're very good," he assured her quietly, half speaking into his pillow, and closed his eyes.

"Well." Buffy sat up straight, "if you insist so nicely." her hands moved to the muscles of his neck and shoulders, and she began massaging them gently. "Okay, I think I've found your motive."

"My motive?" he asked, his lips curved in a delighted smile.

"You're so tense, you don't care who gives you a massage, that's why you put up with my inadequate skills. For all you care, it could be anyone."

"Not anyone," he promised, "just you."

Buffy kissed his cheek, and continued with her attempts to loosen the strain of his muscles, gently rubbing his shoulders and neck, her eyes, shining with love, remaining fixed on the content smile on his lips. Her hands began roaming up and down his muscular back, and then his sides, and then back to the shoulders.

Suddenly, Angel grimaced slightly, and Buffy stopped. "Honey, what's wrong?" she asked with concern. "Did I hurt you?"

"No," he smiled again, looking up at her from the corner of his eye.

"What is it, then?"

"A sore spot," he explained.

"Oh," Buffy grinned to that, and the next second that sore spot received one of the sweetest and most gentle kisses in the world. "Better?" she asked, her upper body was now sprawled atop his broad back, and her arms snaked underneath him.

"Definitely," he replied, retrieving one of her hands from under his chest, bringing to his lips, and holding it there. "Do you really have to go?"

"Don't use this tone with me," she moaned, taking her hand from his and tightening her arms around him, kissing his neck briefly, while the left side of her face relished on the mild coolness of his flesh. She smiled to herself, he knew exactly how to talk to her when he wanted her to give in.

"I just don't want you to go," he whispered.

Buffy kissed his neck again. "Gonna wish me luck for my test? You know, I'm gonna need it. The teacher hates me already. I sometimes have a feeling she's gonna lose it and kill me in front of the whole class. Think I can sue her if she fails me on purpose?"

Angel sighed. "It's only one more reason why I don't want you to go."

"She's not REALLY gonna kill me in front of the class," Buffy objected, sitting up.

Angel rotated on his back and sat. "She almost killed me, you think that just cuz you're human she'll never touch you?"

Buffy beheld him tenderly, the love and the concern were so evident in his eyes and on his face she could do nothing but take him into her arms that moment. And so she did.

Angel hugged her to him, at first, so strongly it would perhaps crush a mortal person. "If anything ever happens to you because of me, I."

Buffy pulled back, just in time to shush him with her finger. "NOTHING will happen to me, certainly not because of you. Stop thinking you're responsible for every scratch on my body, I thought we've been over it already. You don't endanger me, Angel. I want you to stop it. If you ask me, you're already blaming yourself for enough things you haven't done. You REALLY don't need any more."

Angel shook his head. "Buffy.she wants me," he made it a simple fact. "Everyone who knows anything about vampires, knows everything about Angelus, but luckily for me, most of those who actually have the skills and the ability to hunt me down, think that Angelus died about one hundred years ago. She was obviously one of these people, but now she knows I'm as dead as I was before I was cursed, and she won't give up until she gets me. And you." he swallowed, briefly looking down, "do you know what she's gonna do to you if she finds out you have me? If it's possible, you'll end up in a state worse than I will. I can only imagine what she will think of you if she knows you're involved with me. First, she'll save you a special place on the surgery table right next to me, let's say because you're the Slayer, and it's not every day you get to meet a real Slayer, and then she'll treat you worse than me, because you're a HUMAN, and you're.with me."

"Angel, stop," Buffy took his both hands. "Just stop, okay? And just for your information, she knows. She knows you're my boyfriend," his eyes widened in shock, but Buffy wouldn't let him utter a word before she would finish everything she wanted to say. "And she knows that I love you, very very much, and she KNOWS that if she messes with you, EVER again, she's as good as dead. And the reason she knows it is because I straightforwardly threw it into her face. And I still kick myself every time for letting that bitch get away with what she's done to you, but if she EVER merely lays a finger on you again, by God, I'll neglect all I believe in. And I swear, the next news bulletin is gonna revolve around the murder of a UC Sunnydale college professor."

"As much as I admire your determination, and believe me, I do, but I still wish you'd once in your life listen to me."

"I'm not listening to you?" she asked innocently.

"You never listen to ANYONE."

She grinned, folding her arms on her chest. "I thought you liked me because of that."

Angel groaned, and before Buffy noticed he even moved, he was standing before her. "Not when your life is on stake, Buffy!" he tried to make her understand, but she seemed to have shut herself off. Angel squatted in front of her, putting his hands on her knees and peering deeply into her eyes. "Can't you understand that people are worried about you?"

"People?"

"You honestly think I'm the only one? What about Willow? And Xander, and Oz, and Giles, and your mother? You think they CAN sleep at night while you're.patrolling? Something tells me they can't. And I know I DON'T. And I don't care what you're gonna say, but starting tonight, I'm going patrolling with you."

"Angel, you haven't."

"I've recovered enough, Buffy. I'm getting tired of this. I can't stay here while you're risking your life there. I can't stand the possibility of anything happening to you because I wasn't there to protect you. That's my job. That's what I'm here to do.to protect you."

"That's all you're here to do?" she asked with a slightly sad smile.

Angel reposed his hand on her cheek, and she nuzzled it.

"You're my guardian angel," she whispered, covering his hand with her own.

"Buffy."

But she never let him finish, because that moment she was down on the floor next to him, and her lips sealed his for any words he might have wanted to speak.

After the kiss had ended, Angel pulled her into his arms, cradling her to him as if she were a small baby. "I love you, honey," he whispered, gently stroking her long blond locks, "I wish I could tell you how much."

"I know how much," she whispered back, and gazed up at him, and when he peered into her eyes, he also knew how much.

Buffy looked at him tenderly, but seriously, and he knew only too well what that look meant to say. "Angel, nothing will happen to me. Get used to the idea of me sticking around, because I wanna see a smile on your face instead of the brooding look we all know and love. I'm gonna be okay. Don't worry about me."

"But you can worry about me?"

She looked at him quizzically. "I think that after what happened, I have every right to."

"So that means I'm gonna have to wait for your corpse to earn that right for myself?"

Buffy almost flinched at the flash of woe in his eyes, realizing he'd just seen the mental picture. She hugged him, both tightly and gently, burying her face in his neck. "I promise you," she murmured in his ear, "that you'll never lose me."

"It isn't a promise you can make," he told her, nevertheless holding her tight.

"How's he taking it?" Willow asked Buffy, while the two girls and Oz were assembled outside the college building, sprawled on the grass. Willow was in Oz's lap, while Buffy leaned against a large tree.

"In his one and only 'Angel' way," the Slayer replied.

"You mean, not letting you out of his sight," Oz construed.

"Exactly," Buffy nodded.

"Have you tried talking to him?" Willow asked.

"Have YOU ever tried talking to Angel, and make him understand I'm not in any kind of danger?"

"She's got a point," Oz told his girlfriend.

Willow looked up at him. "But he shouldn't overreact."

"I'm worried about you, so am I also overreacting?"

Willow smiled and kissed him gently. "You're not blaming yourself for every little thing that happens to me."

"I don't think.well, I don't think I see it as overreacting," Buffy voiced.

"Of course, you don't," Willow chuckled. "You're checking your watch like every two minutes, just wanting for the classes to be over for the day, so that you could go home to your boyfriend and make sure he's still in one piece."

"That's not funny," Buffy said solemnly. "What if what happened to Angel happened to Oz? I still have nightmares about the state we found him in, and it's been a week."

Willow subconsciously tightened her hold around her boyfriend's waist, and he kissed her head.

"Sorry, guys," Buffy apologized, "I'm just so anxious about him. God, when's that day gonna be over?" she glanced at her watch, then at her best friend. "Will, how many classes do we have left?"

Willow retrieved a notebook from her bag, and leafed through it. "I got three. You.umm.you only have two. How come I know your timetable better than you do?" she grinned at the blonde.

Buffy shrugged, also grinning. "I think I'm gonna skip these two hours. I wanna go home."

"What a surprise," Willow rolled her eyes playfully. "Who's watching over him now?"

"Basically, since Riley's been staying with us, he is, but he's leaving today, so."

"Riley's leaving? Why?"

"He's going back home to Iowa. He wants to put everything behind him. You know, I can't really blame him for that. At least, he has a choice though. Sometimes, I wish I had that choice. Anyway, so I think he's supposed to be on the plane to Iowa, or at least, on his way to the airport by now. But I've scheduled with Giles and Xander they would fill for him while I'm in classes."

"Giles and Xander?" Willow frowned. "No offence, but at least, Riley had the ability to take care of himself, physically speaking, so he could help Angel fight if anything did happen, but."

"Giles is a Watcher," Buffy reminded her. "He trained me, TRAINS me, together with Angel, and teaches me some of the fighting techniques I use these days. And Xander.well, okay, so Xander is Xander. But come on, you know they're not there to fight. Their job is mostly to call me if anything happens."

"Dead-Boy," Xander came up behind Angel, who was reading on the couch, while Giles' face was buried in another book, in the armchair opposite to the vampire.

Angel laid down the book, slightly tugging Xander downwards by the collar of his shirt, without even looking his way. "Don't. Call. Me. That," he said, in a completely annoyed voice, but also somewhat amused.

Xander pulled back, and jumped over the couch's back, perching next to Angel, and throwing one arm over his broad shoulders.

Angel took that arm off, and reopened his book. "And don't jump over furniture in MY apartment," he said in the same tone from before, then returned to his reading.

"Buffy can jump over the furniture," Xander remarked impishly.

"Buffy can. YOU can't," Angel replied, his eyes not leaving the book.

Xander put his arm back around Angel's shoulders, shaking his head. "Dead-Boy, Dead-B.Angel," he corrected himself, seeing the vampire's glare.

Angel rolled his eyes, putting down the book again. He realized there was no way he would finish reading unless he heard Xander out. Inwardly, he knew exactly what the boy wanted. "What?"

"I finally have your attention! What have I ever done to deserve."

"WHAT?" Angel repeated his former question.

"Right," Xander took a deep breath. "Angel, my friend, buddy."

Angel gave him a look.

"Well, we could become buddies, even very close ones. You know.bonding."

"What?" Angel demanded, for the third time.

"Well, I was thinking. Since you now have hills over hills of cash."

"I've always had money, Xander. It was just never meant for you," Angel grinned.

"And a lower being such as myself would never want it," he pointed playfully.

"What DO you want? Can we get this over with so that I can finally finish that book?"

"Why? You've probably read it a couple of hundred times already."

Angel glared.

"Which only shows how incredibly smart and intelligent you are," Xander nodded. "So, as I was saying, since you've been having such a very generous heart lately...all the time, that is..."

"Stop kissing my ass, Xander. You have the apartment," Angel got tired of it.

"I love you!" Xander pulled him into a hug, and Giles suppressed a giggle.

Angel freed himself from Xander's arms. "NEVER do that."

Xander patted his shoulder. "Don't worry, Dead-Boy, we'll be great friends in no time," he beamed.

Angel turned to him. "I doubt it."

"Sure, we will! We'll be neighbors now! Can't get better than that!" he exclaimed.

Angel eyed him for a long moment. *Buffy wants it. Buffy asked me to. I'm doing it for Buffy.oh, God.* he shook his head to himself, returning to his book. After several moments, he became aware of Xander still sitting next to him.

He looked up from the book. "What now?"

Xander grinned. "I'm bonding," he explained, then peered at the page Angel had open. "What're you reading?"

Part Sixteen

"How was your exam?" Angel asked Buffy while the two were patrolling through the cemetery.

She looked up at him, her eyes begging to drop it. "Could we please not go there?"

"Didn't go well?"

"Not that I actually studied." Buffy murmured.

"Sorry," he squeezed her hand.

Buffy wrapped her arms around his, and leaned her head on his shoulder. "You know, I've got a classes-free day...in five days."

Angel looked down. "I know," he grinned.

"Which means it's a day off," Buffy turned around and faced him, encircling her arms around his waist. "It's been a long time since we got to spend some quality time together," she spoke, while her finger gently traced his jawbone, then his neck, and then her hand dived underneath the fabric of his shirt.

Angel groaned quietly, and closed his eyes to the touch of her hand.

Buffy pulled her hand from under his shirt and reposed it on his cheek. "So, what do you say?"

"You know I can never refuse you," he smiled.

"Oh, and I'm sure you'll be suffering a lot," she smirked.

"And I'll enjoy every minute of it," he hugged her to him, softly kissing her lips.

Abruptly, Buffy pulled away. "We have a problem."

"What?"

"I forgot." she grinned sheepishly. "Will and Oz have a free day too, and I promised we'd help them paint the apartment."

"Did you just say 'we'?"

Buffy nodded.

"Are you that anxious to get rid of me?"

"Not for a while," she smiled, hugging his waist as they kept walking on and Angel wrapped one arm around her shoulders.

"Then how come you're so anxious to turn me into a pile of dust?"

Buffy looked up, finally understanding what he'd been referring to. "It'll be cloudy the whole day, I bet you. It has been all week, I mean, just look at the sky, it's definitely gonna rain tonight. And besides, there are plenty of places to paint that are safe from direct sunlight, and that's our job," she faced him again, grinning.

Angel couldn't help but smile. Painting an apartment with Willow and Oz.that should be something he definitely wouldn't forget. "You know, I've never done that before."

"Done what?"

"Painting."

"Oh, and.who did our place, then?"

Angel beamed. He simply loved it when she called it 'their' apartment. "Yeah, but no one was watching me."

"Oh, and when did you grow all shy?" she smiled, drawing patterns on his silky scarlet shirt. Then she stood on her tiptoes and kissed him gently. "Don't worry, honey, I'll take a very good care of you. It's just an excuse to see my boyfriend's perfect, preferably topless, body covered in paint."

"Really?" he drew her closer, his eyes darkening with growing desire. "Will I get to see yours too?"

"Unfortunately for you, guys, we girls have something to hide," Buffy smiled.

Angel peered down at her swell breasts. "Too bad." he pondered.

Buffy pulled down his head to whisper in his ear. "I'll make it up to you."

Angel laughed, pulling her closer and kissing her passionately.

"Slayer," a voice nearby called, and the two pulled apart.

The moment she saw who it was, Buffy instinctively positioned herself in front of Angel, like a human shield, her hand reaching for her stake, not that it would really help. "What do you want?" she demanded.

"I have a massage for you," the commando answered her.

Buffy eased a little, folding her arms on her chest. "What, you're my postman now? And I here thought your job was to kill me," she smirked.

"Hopefully we'll get to that too," the other man replied, and Angel instantly put his both hands on his girlfriend's shoulders, glaring at him in a freezing manner. "But as for now, we're all ordained to leave you and the hostile alone. She wants to see you."

"Who?" Buffy asked sarcastically, as if she didn't know.

"Walsh. Tonight. You and him," he pointed at Angel.

Buffy chuckled. "You can tell her majesty she can stick it. There's no way he's coming."

"She said she wanted you both."

"And I said, he's. Not. Coming."

"Buffy," Angel started to speak, but she took one of his hands in hers, implying him not to say a word.

"He's not coming. It's the end of it. If she wants to meet, she's gonna have to do it face to face, WITH ME. Now, where?"

"She said."

"WHERE?"

"In the Initiative."

"In her dreams!" Buffy laughed. "Psyche class. Tonight. In an hour. And she'll better be there."

With that she pulled Angel's hand and the two headed over to Giles' home.

"So, she wants to meet you," Giles mused, rubbing his chin, after Buffy and Angel had told him everything.

"She wants to meet US," Buffy corrected.

"Well, I assume Angel isn't going," Giles observed.

"I." Angel started to speak, but was cut short by Buffy.

"Angel isn't going," she shot her boyfriend an unequivocal look.

"Buffy, this is ridiculous," Angel protested. "You can't possibly expect me to stay behind."

"I don't expect you to. I TELL you to."

"And I'm not listening!" he threw his hands in the air. "This is stupid!"

"No, this is your life, which I'm, by the way, trying to preserve!"

"You can't possibly think you can keep me locked up for good and that way she'll never get to me."

"No, but I can keep you locked up and not let you out ON A FACE-TO-FACE MEETING WITH HER!"

"I'm going."

"You're staying!"

"I'm going, Buffy! I'm not letting you go alone. She wants both of us, and I don't think it makes a great difference to her who comes first. You are NOT going alone."

"Who said I was?"

"I'll be accompanying her, Angel," Giles stepped in.

Angel shook his head. "You can't protect her!"

"And if we go together, you think you'll be able to protect me?" Buffy inquired. "How? Instead of protecting yourself?!"

"Yes!" Angel shouted. When he was able to control himself again, he sat down on a step, nervously running his hands through his spiky hair.

Buffy stood up from the couch, and walked over to him. She sat down next to him and hugged him tightly, instantly being hugged back the same way.

"I can't let you go," he tried to explain.

"And I can't lose you," Buffy stroked his cheek gently. "There's no way I'm losing you, Angel. There's no way I'm letting her sink her claws into you again. I've had it one time too many. If you were in my place, you would be saying the exact same thing right now."

"And you'd be bringing up the same arguments as I do," he pointed out. "It doesn't matter who's in whose state. We have to go together."

"No," Buffy shook her head.

"Buffy, perhaps you should listen to him," Giles spoke. "Perhaps it'll be better if Angel comes."

Buffy shot her ex-Watcher a stunned look.

"Buffy, please, think rationally," Giles approached the couple, sitting down on one of the steps as well. "If he comes, and it really is a trap, you'll have more chances of getting out. It's strength in numbers, Buffy, simple strategy. If you want to hear my opinion, I think she KNEW you wouldn't let Angel come, and she planned it so that you would remain by yourself."

"But I'm not by myself. I'm going with you."

"Angel is right, Buffy. I'm not a fighter. I can't protect you, while he can."

"Or will die trying," Angel completed Giles' sentence, and in a blink of an eye received a slap to his cheek from the Slayer who was sitting next to him.

Buffy shakily put her hand down, and her eyes started to tear up when she looked at him desperately. "I'm sorry." she whispered.

Angel hugged her to his chest, kissing her head, and she tightened her arms around his neck.

"It's okay," he told her gently, stroking her hair. "We'll go together, and we'll face her together, and everything will be okay." he pulled back a little to look her in the eye. "We have important plans in store, remember?" he asked, his lips slightly curved in a half smile.

Buffy smiled too, and reached her hand to stroke his face. "Be careful."

"We both will be." He rose to his feet, pulling her with him. "Giles?" he turned to the older man.

"Of course," Giles stood up, heading towards the door. "Let's go."

"Does this meeting have a point, or are we just having fun?" Buffy questioned professor Walsh a few minutes after they all had assembled in the classroom, yet no one had said a word.

Maggie Walsh eyed the blonde Slayer, then her vampire boyfriend who was standing by her side, visibly alert to even the smallest of things. She didn't like it. Not at all. It endangered her plans.

Angel gazed at the woman in front of him, then at the two commandos at her sides. If he weren't a vampire, he probably wouldn't be able to detect anything, but since he was, he could sense something wasn't right. He frowned, sniffed the air a bit, then frowned again. The flash of a slight, well hidden, concern in the professor's eyes the moment she detected his anxiety only strengthened his suspicions. Angel knew there was only one way to how he could be one hundred percent sure if anything really was wrong. He took Buffy's hand in his own, and while to the unknowing eye it could seem like they were merely holding hands, Angel's wrist was pressed to hers, mindfully measuring her heartbeat, tracking even the slightest changes in it. He knew very well that the human body would detect any hazard to it, and that it would most likely happen before the person would become aware of the danger. Angel didn't trust his own system. He didn't trust it to detect something that wouldn't harm it anyway, that's why he relied on Buffy's. Because HER it would harm.

"Tell me, Ms. Summers," Maggie Walsh started to speak, pacing back and forth in front of the Slayer. "Do you know why you're here?"

"So you could tell me the results of my psyche test before the rest of the class?" Buffy grinned.

"Sense of humor," Maggie speculated, "not very bright, but indeed unusual in a Slayer. So are other things in your life," she glanced at Angel.

He couldn't help but release a silent growl, one that only Buffy heard. 

She gripped his hand tighter. "Let's get to it," she turned towards her teacher. "What do you want?"

However, her words were disregarded, since the woman she had spoken to was concentrated on her ex-Watcher. "You're her Watcher, I understand," she said, looking at Giles, who was standing next to Buffy. "I also understand you're aware of..." she motioned towards Angel, "this."

"What business is it of yours?" Giles inquired.

"I see where she took her attitude from. No wonder she can do everything she wants, even up to the point of a relationship with a hostile. Perhaps if you had paid more attention, it wouldn't have happened."

"It would have," Giles smirked, "and I paid attention. In fact, I still do, and I utterly encourage it. Obviously, it isn't the reply you were expecting. There is nothing wrong in this relationship, Ms. Walsh, and I don't think I, or Buffy, or Angel, owe you any explanations concerning the matter."

Professor Walsh nodded, then turned to Buffy. "How important is this...thing to you, Ms. Summers?"

Buffy greeted her teeth. "THIS is my boyfriend, NOT a thing. Snap out of the bubble, will you? And he's very important to me. One more reason why you should butt out of our lives."

"Very important, ha? How much is 'very', Ms. Summers?" She motioned with her hand, and one of the commandos disappeared behind the lab door, reappearing a second later...dragging Willow.

"Willow!" Buffy cried out, looking frantically between her lover and ex-Watcher.

"I'll ask again," Maggie grinned at her. "How important is he?"

Buffy gazed at Angel, then at Willow, then back at Angel, and again at Willow...

And that moment, Angel felt her heart starting to slow, and the unfamiliar smell in the air became more describable. "Giles, run!" he shouted abruptly, surprising everyone in the room, as he scooped Buffy in his arms a second before she toppled to the floor and fled the room. One of the commandos began a chase, but it was in no use. Angel disappeared.

Part Seventeen

Buffy opened her eyes, and looked around. She finally recognized Angel, but she wasn't able to place him anywhere. His image seemed to be constantly on the move. She sat up, feeling even dizzier, and pressed her hand to her forehead, grimacing slightly.

Angel gently removed her hand from her brow, and replaced it with a damp towel.

Buffy smiled, while he only gazed at her with concern. "What happened?" she asked.

Angel looked down. "You passed out."

"Why?"

"It was a stratagem, Giles was right. She counted on that you'd refuse to bring me. She wanted you by yourself. There was something in the air. She doped you. I'm not sure with what. It didn't affect me, so I could get you out."

Buffy nodded, and then abruptly, it hit her. "Angel, what about Giles?"

"I couldn't carry you both. I told him to run the moment you confirmed my supposition."

"Did he make it?"

"I don't know," he said honestly.

"Oh, my God." Buffy stood up from the bed and started pacing the room. Angel followed her with his eyes. "She has Willow, AND Giles."

"You don't know that."

"And now she has TWO of my friends, and she expects me to trade YOU for them," the Slayer observed, shuddering at the thought alone.

Angel averted his eyes, sighing. "I'm sorry. If it wasn't for me."

"No!" she protested immediately. "Don't even start that, Angel, no! There's no way she's winning."

"It isn't a game, Buffy. It's people's lives. If you don't give me to her, I'll do it myself."

"No!" she yelled. "Under no circumstances is she getting you, you understand me? NO WAY!"

"Buffy, these are Willow and Giles. You can't leave them there."

"She's led me to a dead end, Angel! So, what are you suggesting? That I make a choice? That I CHOOSE between the man I love more than anything in the world and my best friend and.Giles.he's like my dad.I.I can't do that, Angel! I just can't.I can't do this." she was crying when he gently took her into his arms, and she continued crying as he held her.

With one arm firmly around his girlfriend, Angel used his free hand to reach for the phone. After dialing a number and waiting for a long while, he put down the receiver. "She has him," he said, without a trace of skepticism in his voice. "She even left a massage on the machine for you. Saying you know what to do if you want him back. Buffy, I."

"No," she put a finger to his lips, then tilted up her chin and gently kissed him. "No," she whispered. "I'll make them take ME before that."

Angel intended to say something, but then changed his mind. As set and ready as he was to sacrifice himself, he understood her, because if he were in her place, he would do the exact same thing.

Suddenly, Buffy rose to her feet, heading towards the door.

"Where are you going?"

She halted, but never whirled around. "I have something I gotta get," she said, and Angel could detect an odd note in her tone, one that nearly scared him. "She's gone too far this time. She's almost killed you, she kidnapped Giles and Willow, and she's keeping them as a pawn for eventually getting you instead, and finishing whatever she's started with you. And I won't let her. I won't let her harm them, and I will NEVER let her touch you again. I gotta put a stop to it, and it has to be once and for all." For the next part, she faced him. "Call the guys. Get Xander and Oz here, and tell them everything that's been going on. And tell Oz not to worry. We'll get her back in one piece."

And then she left.

Angel remained sitting still for a while, knowing what he had to do, she'd just told him that, after all, but nevertheless doing nothing.

He didn't want things to go 'her way'. He didn't agree with 'her way'. He wanted to walk out, right into the trap of the Initiative, and turn himself in. He wanted to save the people that were now in jeopardy, even though the entire situation had absolutely nothing to do with them. They just happened to be in the wrong place in the wrong time. They could die, and they weren't supposed to die. He was.

And he would. Three years ago, he would. Three years ago, he wouldn't even hesitate before throwing his so-called 'life' away, because he'd never thought he really earned that life. And above all, he'd never thought he'd be missed by anyone.

But not anymore. Now, he was thinking about what he would leave behind, and the picture of it alone was too much to take.

It would destroy her, if he did that. In fact, she'd probably come to hate her friends because his life was the price for theirs. He knew how much she loved him. He knew exactly how much, because it was identical to how he loved her, and he knew that it would kill him, if she were ever in his place. He couldn't even form the idea of losing her, what would she do if she lost him? In all his years, never once had Angel thought so much would be dependant on that one person, so much it would be a matter of life and death, and that that person would be the reason he would choose life.

Angel sighed, and after running a shaky hand through his hair, he grabbed the phone.

"Oz?. It's Angel. No, everything's not okay. Look, you'd better come over here."

"And that's how you insert the magazine."

"I got it."

"Then you pull the trigger, and.boom!"

"I GOT IT! I got it now, and I got it the previous ten times too. I'm not dense!"

"You know, I'm doing you a favor I'm selling it to you at all, kid. Lose the temper."

"In that case, I'm doing you a favor I'm paying for it."

"Smart, kid. Very smart, in the stupidest way. Tell me, what does a nice kid like you wanna do with a gun?"

"None of your business."

"It's a dangerous toy, you know."

"Again, none of your business. If I ever need a lecture, I'll give you a call."

"Whatever. Just one thing, kiddo, and the toy's yours. Take it or leave it."

"What?"

"If you go and do something stupid like blowing someone's brains out, you don't know me. You've never even met me, understood? And this conversation has never happened."

"Done."

"So.Buffy went to get them?" Xander asked, being the first to break the uneasy silence.

"No," Angel replied quietly. Inwardly, praying to whatever Gods there were that she really hadn't gone there alone. "I'm sorry," he addressed the apology to Oz.

"It's not your fault. Believe it or not, but no one can understand you as much as I can right now. If they only knew who I was, it would be me they'd be kidnapping Will and Giles to get. We're even in it, man. It's only by a chance that they've exposed you before me. And besides, I know how it's like to be the pray and not the hunter, just like you. We're both freaks of nature, man, and the people we love suffer as an outcome. In some point, I even considered leaving Will.cuz of that."

"I didn't consider," Angel remarked, "I left."

"Umm.guys," Xander interposed, "as intriguing as the emotional drama you two create is, and believe me, it is, and kudos both to Oz and to you, Dead-Boy, for using so many words in one phrase, but.we're kinda having a small situation here."

Angel sighed. He hated to admit it, but Xander was right. "We can't do anything until Buffy comes back.from wherever she's gone to." He cast down his eyes and lowered his voice. "Unless, I just go there myself, and."

"No!" Xander protested. "Bad, bad idea. And, note to self, I'm still shocked I'm actually uttering these words," he inhaled a deep breath. "Ah! You can just smell the maturity! Anyway, enough bragging. If Buff finds out we let you go, she'll have our necks."

"And I like my neck," Oz added. "It's a basic necessity for a longer and happier life."

"Perfectly put, my man. You stay."

"Xander."

"Hush!" Xander raised his hand, indicating for Angel to be silent. "Right now, it's me talking. Sit quietly and pretend dead."

"If you don't stop it, you'll BE dead," Angel warned him.

"AND.we have no guarantee whatsoever that Walsh person will even give them back to us if you go all noble and sacrifice yourself for the sake of the world," Xander went on. "For starters, they're ordinary people who by now know a little TOO much about the Initiative."

"You're not helping," Oz pointed out.

"Sorry, but nonetheless true. Not that I've had my share in getting to know the lady, but she sounds like not the most trustworthy person in the world. The fact that she's willing to risk humans' lives for her perverted studies or whatever gives away that small bit of information."

"And that's exactly why we're not taking her word," Buffy's voice came from the doorway.

Angel stood up. "Did you get what you wanted?"

She looked down. "Yeah."

He could swear he'd descried tears shimmering in her eyes, but for some reason, she was reluctant for him to see her cry. A part of him could understand why. Angel paced over to where she stood, wanting to take her into his arms, but surprising everyone in the room, Buffy darted away from him, raising her both hands in front of her in a form of defense, all the while making sure they had no eye contact.

Something snapped inside of Angel that moment, and never like now had he repented for not having gone to meet Walsh alone. It was better for him to die than to have the only woman he loved hating him.

Buffy made it seem like she'd disregarded the deep woe in his chocolate eyes, and obviously did a very good job at it. She turned to Oz and Xander. "We're meeting in the cemetery near the campus in half an hour, alone. Or at least, so it was promised to me." She briefly peeped at Angel. "And I promised her we'd wrap it up tonight. She wants an exchange, she'll have an exchange. You two can either stay here, or you can go home, but NOT with me. For the matter of fact, there's no 'or'. Go home. Angel, you come with me." And without waiting for an authorization from anyone, she turned around and walked away, not even checking if Angel followed.

It seemed like it'd been hours until they'd finally reached the cemetery the meeting was supposed to take place in.

No one had spoken all the way to it. They had just walked, like robots.

Buffy had been busy trying to keep her 'safe distance' from Angel the entire time, not even allowing their sleeves to rub one against another. Being able to sense his every thought had nearly killed her, because having him think that was the most horrible thing in the world for her. But she could never reveal her true plans to him. She couldn't, and wouldn't. Not until she'd no longer be able to conceal it and he'd see it with his own eyes.

Angel had allowed a glimpse or two to slip in the direction of his silent girlfriend. Thoughts had been racing through his mind in such pace he hadn't been able to form a coherent one. If she had wanted to trade him all along, why had she insisted he wouldn't do it himself? Why had she cried in his arms, promising him she would never let him go, if all the while, that had been precisely what she had intended to do? She had been right in what she had told him. She had been forced to choose.and so she had.

But he wouldn't leave it like that. He couldn't. He had to tell her.

Angel grabbed her arm gently, and whirled her around to face him, just as they reached the cemetery gates.

"Buffy."

She looked down, and wiggled her arm out of his grip.

"I have to tell you this, so just listen." He took a deep breath, and in the fleeting moment Buffy looked up, she descried the tears in his eyes, and it became even harder hindering her own.

"I love you. No matter what happens, I love you more than anything in the world. And I will love you until the day I die."

Buffy shook her head. "You won't," she said, quietly, yet firmly. "After tonight, you won't be able to stand me." And she proceeded further into the graveyard.

"I see you kept your word," Maggie Walsh observed, as the Slayer and the vampire approached.

Giles and Willow were standing with her, but no commandos were seen.

"I hope you did too," Buffy replied. "Are we alone?"

"We are."

"Buffy, don't do it," Willow whispered to her best friend, her gaze falling on Angel, who was by then wearing the most shattered expression, and she knew the cause for it was the betrayal by the woman he loved, rather than becoming the Initiative's lab-rat.

"Buffy, please, don't do this," Giles added.

Buffy looked up from the ground, into the professor's eyes.

"I see he's not as important as you've formerly stated," she remarked with a winning smirk. "You chose your friends over him pretty fast."

Buffy peered at Angel, and he nodded silently, slowly starting in the direction of professor Walsh.

But to everyone's surprise, Buffy grabbed his arm and tugged him backwards. "He's the most important person in my life, and I love him so much, and in a way you can't ever understand. There's nothing I wouldn't do for him, nothing at all. That's why.I will never let you have him. And I'm sorry."

"For what? For your friends' deaths?" the professor inquired.

"No," Buffy replied, sending her hand underneath her jacket, "for yours."

Part Eighteen

The gun in Buffy's hand almost fell to the ground together with professor Walsh. While Giles and Willow were staring at the body that lay at their feet, Angel's eyes were fixed on Buffy, who was by now, trembling like a leaf. He approached her cautiously, and got there just in time to catch the revolver that escaped her feeble grip. Angel peered at the weapon for a long moment, until he became aware of Buffy looking at the same direction, her eyes growing more terrified with every second. Angel glanced at the gun one last time, then quickly pocketed it.

The moment the revolver was gone from her sight, Buffy's eyes locked with Angel's, and the emotions in her orbs were so numerous he wasn't able to comprehend what was going through her mind. And there was that part of him.that was simply afraid to try. He tore his gaze from hers, and looked at Willow and Giles, who were busy checking the body of the professor, and that was the minute when Buffy's first sob escaped her lips. He immediately faced her, and pulled her into his arms, rocking her, and caressing her back, and all the while her sobs were only increasing, up to a point she was barely able to stand.

Willow glanced up for a moment, merely to descry Angel leading a crying Buffy away, then her eyes met Giles' again, who had just dropped Walsh's wrist.

"Well, how is she?"

"She's." Giles gulped, "she's dead."

"What?!" Willow exclaimed. "Is this a joke? She.she can't be."

"She's dead!" Giles almost shouted, not less terrified than the girl sitting before him.

"She can't be dead!" Willow gestured towards the professor's abdomen, where the wound was still bleeding. "Look where she hit her, she can't be dead."

"Do you want to search for her pulse?!" Giles cut her. "Because I've tried, in several places. She's dead."

"Oh, my God." Willow mumbled. "This isn't happening.oh, God, Giles, it's murder! Oh, God, what are we gonna do? We have to call someone." when Giles didn't move, she yelled, "Giles, call someone!"

The ex-Watcher put his hands on the girl's shoulders, shaking them. "Willow, the woman is dead. We can't help her, she's dead!"

At that moment, Willow started to cry. "But..but Buffy.Giles, we have to call someone."

Giles took a deep breath. She was right. It was their duty to call the police. The least they could do was to inform them of the body. They naturally wouldn't stick around long enough to answer questions, but at least the police would know.he shook his head. HE still hadn't digested everything. For all he cared, nothing had ever happened. Buffy hadn't shot anyone, and there was no body.no body.and the one that was lying in front of him now was."Oh, my God." everything had abruptly drowned on him.

Surprisingly, Willow was the one who stood up. "I saw a public phone not far from here. I'm gonna call.the police."

"I'll go with you," he stood up as well, and they both sent one last glance towards the dead professor, then walked away.

Angel was practically carrying Buffy by the time the two reached their apartment. Her sobs had ceased by then, but the state she was in now was even worse than the previous one. She was like a walking dead. Not talking, not crying, and if Angel hadn't heard her breaths, not breathing. She seemed to be locked up in another world, and what's worse, she didn't seem to be ever coming back from there. It wasn't a coma state or anything similar, it was more a case of denial. A desperate escape from a formidable reality.

Angel hadn't tried talking to her, because he knew it would bring no results. He'd chosen to collaborate with her state of mind, having not a clue about how wise was the choice he had made. What she needed wasn't talking. What she need was him, to show her that no matter what, he would always love her, just like he had promised her. Angel had suddenly grasped what she had meant earlier by saying he wouldn't be able to stand her after tonight. He had thought she had said it concerning turning him in, but now, he knew better. And it was up to him now, to show her there was nothing in this world that she could do to make him stop loving her, or love her any less.

Without releasing her from his embrace, Angel managed to take off his coat, and kick off his shoes, then he seated her on the bed, and though she wouldn't unhand his arm, he succeeded in removing all of her clothes. Then, he picked her up and carried her to the shower, where he turned the water on and tested the temperature. He inwardly thought she'd be better if the water were cold, but settled on a tepid stream regardless.

When the water were in the suitable to him temperature, Angel removed his own clothes, and pulled Buffy with him under the shower. The second she felt the water pouring on her, Buffy burst into sobs, clutching him with all her might. The only thing Angel could do was hold her, gently stroking her humid locks.

"It's okay," he whispered to her, briefly kissing her neck and shoulders and tightening his embrace. "It's gonna be okay, I promise."

"No," she continued crying. "Angel, I.I."

"Shh." he pulled back slightly, to meet her eyes. "You didn't do anything."

"I killed.I killed a person. Angel, I killed a person."

"Shh." he pressed her to him, kissing her head. "I love you." For some reason, he felt it was the perfect moment to say it.

Buffy looked up. "W.what?"

"I love you," he repeated, steadily.

She started crying even more, if that was possible. "You can't." she mumbled, shaking her head.

Angel tilted up her chin. "I love you, Buffy. I love you always, and regardless to everything. There is nothing in this world that can make you appear low in my eyes. Nothing in the world, beloved, remember that. Never doubt that." He wrapped her in his arms again, just holding her close to him for several minutes.

After he'd felt her crying had eased a little, Angel grabbed a sponge, and started washing her body, with one hand still holding her to him.

"You can't clean that, Angel," he heard her whispering into his chest, but the only thing he could do was to reply with a gentle kiss on her forehead.

"I'm dirty. You can't wash that dirt away, Angel, no one can."

"You're not dirty," he said, nevertheless started scrubbing more thoroughly, not for him, for her. "You're my love. You're not dirty. You'll never be dirty. Not to me, and if I have anything at all to do with it, neither to yourself." He kissed her head again, and she started to cry.

"Angel, I.I killed.I killed a person," she sobbed. "What have I done? Angel, what have I done?" she stared at him with desperate eyes, as if awaiting for him to tell her it had never happened.

And he couldn't. Angel merely wrapped her in a soft fresh towel, and carried her to the bed. There, he slipped one of his flannel shirts on her, and mildly tucked her in. After he'd finished with her, he put on a pair of boxers and climbed into the bed next to her, taking her shaking body into his arms. "Sleep," he kissed her head, hugging her gently. "It'll be better tomorrow. I promise you."

With a trembling hand, Buffy wiped away her tears. "I'm a murderer," she said, more to herself than to him.

Angel looked down at her, stroking her cheek. "What you did wasn't murder. Never think it was. You weren't aiming to kill, Buffy. What you did was an accident, and a part of it was self-defense. What you did was to stop madness." He sighed, not knowing what to say anymore. How do you justify it when the person you love took someone else's life?

"Angel, don't leave me," she whispered silently, snuggling on his chest, but not making eye contact.

"I'll never leave you, my love," he promised her. "Never. Now, sleep," he kissed her brow. "I'm holding you, and I'm not leaving, and I'll be holding you tomorrow when you'll wake up. Everything will be better tomorrow."

"Just don't leave me," she whispered again, before falling asleep.

Part Nineteen

The next morning, when Buffy woke up, Angel wasn't there. She couldn't help the terrifying feeling that came over her after seeing his empty side of the bed. The rational part of her knew there was a rational explanation, while most of her dreaded he would never come back. Buffy rubbed her puffy eyes and slipped into a pair of Angel's boxers, realizing she was wearing nothing but his shirt. Then, embracing herself, she headed towards the kitchen to get something to moist her abruptly very dry throat.

"Angel?" Buffy asked in a small voice, the moment her eyes detected him by the counter.

He rotated, finding his girlfriend standing barefoot in the entrance to the kitchen, hugging herself. Her eyes were teary and scared, and she had never before appeared so tiny and fragile as she did now. Angel approached her quickly, and wrapped his arms around her, kissing her crown.

"You didn't leave," she observed abstractly, pulling out of his embrace and walking around the kitchen table, shyly occupying one of the empty chairs.

Angel took the plate he'd been preparing from the counter and put it in front of her, soon adding to it a steaming cup of coffee. After everything was set, he took the chair next to her, and following a short hesitation, Buffy coyly moved from hers onto his lap, not uttering a word.

Angel embraced her, resting her head on his chest. "I shouldn't have left you like that," he said.

Buffy didn't answer.

Angel picked up a knife from the table and cut a piece of pancake, offering it to her on a fork. "You have to eat something, Buffy, please, for me. Just eat the breakfast."

Buffy shook her head. "She can't eat anymore," she whispered.

Angel put the pancake down on the plate and reinforced his embrace. "Don't think about it," he stroked her hair, "stop thinking about it, and you'll feel better." And inside, he knew there was no way she could ever stop thinking about it.

"You're the expert, right?" she asked, her voice both wavering and brusque in the same time.

Angel took a deep breath, and looked away from her.

"I'm sorry," he heard her pleading a second later, and this time, her voice was hoarse with tears. "Angel, I'm sorry."

"No," he put his hand on her cheek, looking back up. "Don't be sorry. Never be sorry."

"What?"

"I know why you're sorry, Buffy," he said simply.

"I didn't mean to." she tried to explain, not really knowing what.

"No," he put a finger to her lips. "Yes, but.but right now, you're sorry because you feel that every small vice, even the slightest wrong that's being done in the world is your fault. You feel that you're responsible for all the bad things that happen to everyone, including those you've never met in your life. Never be sorry because of these reasons, or.or you'll wind up like me. Your repentance will grow to such magnitude you won't be able to control it anymore, and you'll never feel you've made amends. I can't let you turn out like me. I was where you are now, and there was no one to guide me through it. No one to help me, no one to tell me how to deal, and no one to stand up for me."

"And you.you will do that? You'll stand up for me?"

He smiled. "I never thought of it any other way."

Buffy nodded silently, looking down.

"I know what you're feeling now, Buffy," Angel spoke again, trying to pick the softest and yet the most direct approach there was. "And I know what you're going through. The power that comes with taking a person's life is the greatest power on this earth, but it affects each one in a different way. There's the type of people who enjoys that power, and on the other hand, there's the type who fears it more than death."

"I don't want that power," Buffy murmured.

"I know, love. That's why you're the second type, and being the second type is so much harder. You've never asked for it, and yet now it's a part of you, and it'll never leave you. No one knows better than myself how it feels like." Angel gazed down at the untouched breakfast, and Buffy's eyes followed his. "You feel you don't want to live anymore," he went on. "You feel that after taking the life from someone, you no longer have the right for your own, and with the unendurable anguish that comes with the kill, you no longer want that life at all. But.but as long as I'm here, I can't let you do that," he angled up her chin, leveling their eyes. "Please, eat the breakfast. I made it for you, please, eat it. I need you here, Buffy. I can't stand aside and watch you give yourself up. I already stood aside and watched myself do that. You're not one of those things you think you are. You're my Buffy, the woman I love, and it will never change. And me being here for you, that'll also never change."

"I'm not your Buffy anymore," she objected quietly. "I'm not Buffy at all."

"You're always my Buffy," he hugged her, kissing her hair. Then he stood up, and with one arm around her, grabbed the plate with his free hand, and headed back to the bed.

They sat down, and Angel cut another piece of the pancake, holding the fork before Buffy. "Please, love," he asked her.

Buffy obeyed reluctantly, and swallowed the pancake.

Angel grinned and cut another piece, invariably repeating it until she started eating by herself, washing it down with the coffee.

"Can I ask you a question?" Angel inquired after breakfast, while they were sitting in front of the TV, not really watching, just having it on. At least, Buffy wasn't watching, Angel was never much of a fan anyway. Right now, they were simply lying on the couch, Buffy nestled against Angel's chest, and he held her close, stroking her back. They were both loaded with thoughts, both about different matters, and about one they now had in common.

Buffy nodded into his chest, giving him her approval to ask the question.

"Why didn't you tell me what you were going to do?"

"You mean, why didn't I tell you I was going to commit a murder?"

Angel kissed her head. "And why did you think I was going to forsake you? Whatever made you think I was going to back down? Didn't you trust me enough to know that I never would?"

"It's not that."

"Then, what is it?"

"I didn't trust you.but not in the sense you think."

"Is there any other?"

Buffy bit her lip. "I didn't tell you, because.because I knew you would talk me out of it. And the only other way out was giving you up, and that was out of the question."

"Then maybe you should have told me. There's always a third door, Buffy. All you gotta do is find it, but it's always there."

"Don't do this!" Buffy darted from the sofa, and when Angel looked up at her in utter surprise, tears were running freely down her face. "Don't do this," she sobbed. "I'm reminding that to myself every second. EVERY SECOND! I don't need to hear this from you too. Not from you.Angel," she covered her face with her hands, and turned around.

Angel stood up, and hugged her gently. "I'm sorry," he whispered. "I didn't mean it that way, I swear. I'll never say something like that to you. Never. God, I'm sorry," he kissed her head. "I love you, I'm so sorry." He drew back and tenderly wiped her tears away with his thumbs, kissing her eyelids in the process. "Don't cry. Please, don't cry. You cried so much last night, I can't stand seeing you cry anymore."

Buffy sniffled, burying her face in his chest, as his gentle embrace reminded her of the one in which she'd spent the previous night, and never in her life had she been as grateful for it. She knew these arms wold never harm her, never betray her, and never abandon her, and there was no place in this world where she felt safer than in the arms of her Angel.

She didn't even want to think what she would do if he weren't there. If he hadn't held her, if he hadn't told her how much he loved her, how significant she was for his life, what a good person she was, that it wasn't her fault.if he hadn't done all of these things, she would have probably been dead by now. Angel had been right. She didn't want to live. She didn't think she deserved it, and the only reason she was still there were the strong and loving arms she was so securely wrapped in.

"I can't do this anymore," she cried silently, pressing herself closer to him. "It hurts, Angel. I can't stand it anymore, I don't want to."

"I know, love," he kissed her head, reinforcing his embrace. "I know, and I'm here. I'm always here."

"And coming up now is a special report, straight from UC Sunnydale, where at the moment the academic staff are mourning."

"Angel, stop it!" Buffy sobbed, pressing her face into his chest and her hands to her ears. "Angel, make it stop!"

Angel cursed himself inwardly for having ever bought a TV, and hastened to turn it off.

".Over the death of professor Margaret Walsh, who up until last night was a well known member of the college faculty. The reasons for her death remain yet unknown, and the police has declared the case closed due to an extreme lack of evidence. The victim was shot once in her lower abdomen, from reasons, I say again, unknown. Not even her closest friends could think of someone who would mean her harm. An operation performed on the body last night after it was found due to an anonymous phone call, reveals that whoever committed the firing, missed on purpose. Also, the police have found bite marks in the victim's neck, and the reports reveal she was completely drained from blood, and the cause for it was NOT the injury in her abdomen. According to Paul Steven, head of Sunnydale police department, one of the reasons the case was closed so quickly was also because every probability of an assassination was dismissed. The blood loss, which was the true reason for the victim's death, was not caused by the gunshot wound."

"This is.unreal," Oz summed it up, turning the TV off.

"Unreal in a good way," Xander added.

"You think Buffy knows?" Willow asked them. "Maybe we should go tell her? Or call her.maybe we'd better call her?"

"The phone is cut off in their apartment," Xander told her, "and somehow I don't think Angel even knows that. She doesn't wanna talk to us."

"Put yourself in her place for one second, Xander. Would you want to talk to anyone?"

"She talks to Dead-Boy."

"Of course, she does!" Willow exclaimed. "Angel is the only one who can really understand her now."

"And you're saying that I.that WE can't?"

"Have you ever committed.THOUGHT you've committed a murder, Xander?"

Her friend only sighed.

"Do you remember what happened with Faith?" Willow asked him.

Xander nodded, instinctively rubbing his neck.

"If Wesley hadn't interfered, Angel could have saved her. He was SO close, he almost got through to her. He can relate to that, Xander, he could have saved her soul...if he weren't interrupted." Willow's eyes were full of regret. "With Buffy...she's not Faith. Buffy is the woman he loves. There's nothing in this world that tops her importance in his life. He knows that now is exactly the time she needs to know just how much he loves her. THIS TIME, he'll let NO ONE to interfere in the process of saving HER soul. He'll spend every moment with her now, proving his unconditional love and support over and over again, until he doesn't make it all go away."

A lasting silence took over the room.

"I agree with Willow," Giles voiced. "On both matters, actually. We must tell her. Maybe she doesn't know. Can you even imagine the difference it can make?"

"Will?" Oz stood up from the couch, heading towards the door of Giles' apartment with his girlfriend in tow. "I drive." 

On to Part Twenty