Angels In the Dark

by Mariah

Part Five

Smile an everlasting smile 
A smile can bring you near to me
Don't ever let me find you gone 
Cuz that would bring a tear to me
This world has lost its glory
Let's start a brand new story
Now, my love
You think that I don't even mean 
A single word I say

- Boyzone, 'Words'

"Good morning," Buffy greeted Angel with a smile when she entered his bedroom the following morning.

He was sitting up in his bed, gazing at nowhere in particular, also not turning his head towards her possible direction.

Buffy frowned, approaching the bed and perching down on it. "What's wrong?" she patted his arm.

"You left yesterday," he whispered.

"Where did I.oh." Buffy took his hand in hers. "I had to go back to Sunnydale, to pack some things, move here everything I might need. I'll go back again in a while, in a few weeks, maybe, but right now, I have everything I need," she smiled.

He nodded silently. "But why.why didn't you tell me?"

"What do you mean? I did tell you, I mean.I asked Cordy to tell you, didn't she?." her voice trailed off.

"She did.only after I asked her."

"I'm sorry," she stroked his shoulder, "you were sleeping and it was kinda a last-minute's decision, anyway. I couldn't bring myself to wake you up."

"When she said.when she said you went to Sunnydale, I thought you were never coming back," he confessed.

"Why?" she stroked his cheek.

"Why not?" he questioned.

Buffy flinched. "What are you talking about?"

Angel smiled ruefully. "Smile for me," he requested.

Buffy complied, and he reached out his hand for her face. She took it in midway and placed it there.

Angel tenderly traced his fingers over her lips. "I don't see it," he acknowledged quietly, dropping his hand.

"Yes, you do," Buffy persisted instantly, reinstating his hand on her face and holding it there. "You remember my smile, don't you?" she leaned her face into his palm.

"There's nothing about you I don't remember," he sighed, "but it's.it isn't the same. I miss seeing your smile, I miss seeing your face.memories can't ever supplant it. Nothing can."

"You see me so much better than anyone else ever could, or would," she embraced him, "blind or not."

Angel wrapped his arms around her and Buffy pulled herself to him, snuggling on his chest. "Ask me to stay," she whispered, traces of hope she couldn't help tinted her voice.

"Stay," he followed, hugging her closer.

"Not like this," she said, "like you would ask me to stay six years ago."

Angel sighed, not saying a word.

Buffy waited. She waited, and it scared her to wait so long. It was one thing that he didn't just come out and said it, but having him not being able to voice it once she asked him to, that was another, and so much worse. THAT cut deep, a lot deeper than she ever thought was possible.

"I love you," Buffy whispered silently, after waiting had become too long. The moment these words escaped her lips, she sensed an inconceivable feeling of both ease and remorse. These three words meant so much to her, and they could never be taken back after this. Never. Now, it was all up to him.

"I spoke to Cordelia," he finally uttered.

Buffy immediately tensed. "No, you didn't," she left his embrace, facing him swiftly.

"I did," he spoke calmly, but the dejection and rue in his voice were more than audible to her. She already knew what was to come next.

"You don't have to tell me what she said," Buffy precluded the upcoming, "I've had the full version already. From source one, no less."

"At least, she was honest, and she was right."

"Right," Buffy echoed.

"Yes. She opened my eyes," he chuckled bitterly at his own pun.

"Did she, then?" she inquired nonchalantly.

"She did. She pointed out some facts that.that were valid," he groaned, "and that I refused to see."

Buffy bit her lip, already then knowing she was fighting a losing battle. "Such as?"

"Such as that I shouldn't be keeping you here under these conditions, as my nurse, to watch me sink into depression. That you deserve more and that you're here because you want more, but I can't give it to you."

Buffy was speechless for a brief spell. "Did she.did she really say it?" she asked in a low, throaty voice, dreading the answer like one would dread fire. *She couldn't have.*

"No," Angel laughed hollowly, "but she said enough to help me reach the inference myself."

"Well, your inference is wrong!" she leaped from the bed, now anxiously pacing the room.

He groaned. "Listen to me, Buffy, you're twenty-five years old! Your entire life is ahead of you, don't throw it away because of me!"

"I'm not!" she yelled back. "I'm not, damn! What the Hell is wrong with you?! When the Hell are you gonna stop being so God-damn noble and start thinking about what YOU want?! And what I want? How come I never have a say regarding to what I want?! How come I always have to listen to what other people tell me?!"

"Is THIS what you want?!" he gesticulated towards himself. "You wanna play nurse for the rest of your life? Because this is what I guarantee you'll be doing if you stay! We aren't equals, Buffy, not anymore, so get it out of your head! We're NOT equals, and we'll never be again!"

She was crying by now. There were tears shimmering in her eyes and he didn't need to be able to see to know they were there. "So.what?." she swallowed. "I have to cut my eyes out now?" she asked softly, desperately.

His head snapped up, and for the first time in days, to the tears in his eyes was added an expression, and it was one of pained fear.

"Will that do?" she inquired. "Will that make us equals?"

"Go," he whispered, throatily, not hesitating for one second before uttering the curt and yet so final word.

"What?" she couldn't believe it.

"I said, go. Leave."

"Angel, you don't mean that."

He climbed off the bed, but walked straight into a drawer on his way over to her. He grimaced momentarily, bending forward to press his hand to his bruised knee.

"Angel," Buffy started towards him, her voice once again soft, caressing.

"Don't," he instantly straightened and held up a hand in protest, "don't come any closer. Just.just leave." He started walking more carefully, groping his way through the furniture.

"Angel, I want to."

"I don't need your help! I can do it on my own! I can do everything by myself if I want to!"

"I know. I know, I.God, I don't want to be here for your blindness, Angel, I want to be here for you. Don't you understand?"

"Leave," his voice abruptly cracked with his tears, "you're so good in staying away, well, just keep it up."

"Who are you?" Buffy asked in a small, broken voice, after a moment of shock.

Angel suddenly stopped his pace, leaning with one shoulder against the wall he'd been holding onto, then pressing his back to it and slowly sliding downwards to the floor. When he was sitting, he tiredly buried his face in his hands.

"Angel, I love you," Buffy whispered steadily, disregarding her tears.

Still no response.

She then turned around and exited the room.

After approximately fifteen minutes, she was in her car, on her way to Sunnydale, with her tears blurring her vision.

And he was still crying on the floor in his room.

"Hey, Will, wanna know why I'm calling?" Buffy tried to make her voice as steady as she could, but it was quivering with sobs. "No, Will, I'm alright! Great! Peachy! And you know what? Once I tell you why, you'll be thrilled!" her sobs increased and she violently brushed the tears from her puffy eyes, that stung both from the salty tears and the blasts of wind entering through the car's open window. "Shut up, Willow!" she yelled into the mobile phone. "I'm fine. Yes, I'm driving, so?!. No, actually, I CAN drive in my state, I'm almost reaching Sunnydale, for the matter of fact!. Why? Oh, that's when you'll be VERY happy! Angel blew me off. Oh, at least have the dignity to shut up when you don't mean that! And don't you dare waiting for me in my house, the only reason I called was to make your day!" she hung up, and pulled the car to a stop at the side of the road. Buffy turned off the engine and covered her face with her hands, her shoulders trembling with wild sobs.

"Angel!" Cordelia screamed, running over to him, since he was still in the state Buffy had left him in when she had walked away. "What the Hell happened here?" she squatted in front of him.

He slowly raised his face from his knees. His eyes were no longer wet, but it was more than obvious they had been up till recently.

She pulled him up to his feet and walked him back to the bed, setting them both down.

"Now, tell me what happened," she encouraged.

"Nothing," he murmured.

Cordelia folded her arms on her chest. "You realize you're not getting out of it that easily, don't you?"

He didn't answer.

The brunette groaned. "Where's your girlfriend?" she asked, as if it were so obvious she was his GIRLFRIEND and that she would be there.

"I don't have a girlfriend."

"Oh, you don't have a girlfriend," she nodded, rolling her eyes, "of course, you don't. Okay Angel, I'll rephrase, the little annoying blonde that's recently hanging around here nonstop. Where is SHE? Where is Buffy, Angel?"

"I don't know," he replied.

Her eyes widened. "You don't KNOW?"

He groaned, frustrated. "She left. Could you, please, do the same now? I don't need you. I don't need anyone. I just wanna be left alone. Is that too much to ask?"

"Oh, not this crap again! Damn it, I'm gonna kill that bitch," she grumbled, "I'm not leaving, I'm staying with him." she mimicked, "and the first chance I get I run back to my soldier-boy." Cordelia was REALLY pissed now. The amount of pain her best friend had to take from the Slayer had just become A LITTLE too much.

"Leave her alone, Cordelia," he foreboded.

"Like Hell, I will!"

"It's not her fault," he sighed.

"What, you're telling me she didn't just get up and left?"

"She didn't really have a choice once I insisted she would," he murmured to himself.

Cordelia jumped from the bed. "You did WHAT?! Are you completely out of your mind?!"

"I listened to you, Cordelia. I listened to what you said, and.and I saw that you were right. So, I did what was right."

"What I said?! Don't you dare involving me into this, do you hear me?"

"I'm not. It was my decision to make, and I made it. It's my responsibility and mine alone. You had nothing to do with what happened."

Cordelia had calmed down in the meantime, and sat back on the bed next to him. She took a deep breath. "What.what did I say that.that led you to this decision?"

"Nothing that I didn't know before, but refused to accept."

She shot him a demanding glance he could feel through his blindness.

Angel also took a deep breath. "I told her I.I had no right to keep her here under these conditions."

"You don't KEEP her here, she WANTS to be here."

"That I didn't want her to waste her entire life on taking care of me instead of finding a suitable husband."

"My God, you're a moron!" Cordelia yelled exasperatedly. "What the Hell is the matter with you? You were like, the LAST person on this earth who I ever thought would be vanquished by his own stupid sense of pride! And don't you DARE to even TRY and excuse it for something else, it's me you're dealing now, buddy, not your precious Buffy who can pretty much forgive and understand everything."

"I'm not vanquished by anything." Angel tried to oppose.

"But you are!" she lowered her voice and moved nearer to him, laying a hand on his arm. "Angel, what you did was completely stupid, let's face this, okay? You let your male ego take over, and you hurt the woman you love as a result. Now, tell me it isn't so, I dare you."

Angel merely sighed.

"I don't get it," Cordelia threw her hands up in the air. "How could you be so dumb, I mean, if I said anything.whatever I said, I never even implied you should make her leave, I couldn't have. Angel, what's gotten into you?"

"I only tried to do what's right," he maintained, but inwardly was no longer so certain about it.

"Define 'right'. What is right for you, Angel? Having her crying there while you're crying here? Some right it is," she mocked.

"It IS right," he insisted, "for her, at least, in the long run. You saw Riley, didn't you?"

"Oh, yeah. The pleasure was all his. What does he have to do with anything?"

"He is good for her. God, he's so much better for her than I am," he laughed bitterly, "he's capable, he's strong, reliable, and I'm sure he cares a lot about her. He can protect her, can share her life, marry her, give her children.see her," he added in a whisper. "I can do none of those things, let's face THIS."

"Oh, shut up!" she shouted, even though it wasn't necessary because he'd already stopped giving away his little list of flaws. "She doesn't want Riley, she doesn't need him. She broke up with him, because the one man she would ever truly love is you, doesn't it say SOMETHING? The only thing this woman has ever wanted was for you to tell her you loved her, to ask her to stay. But no! You had to banish her BACK TO HIM instead! Is there a limit to how stupid men can be?!"

Angel sat in silence for a very long moment. "It will be better," he whispered, a single tear sliding down his perfectly sculptured cheek, disclosing his true feelings. "In the end, it'll be better. She will forget eventually, and she will be happy. She will forget me. She has done it once already."

"That wasn't her fault! If anything, it should have taught you a very important lesson you obviously skipped. You don't let go of something as precious as your soulmate twice in a lifetime. Well, actually, it would be three times in your case, but.it is exactly my point, Angel, which is that YOU have done it one time too many. If you don't fix it now, you might as well never try to fix it, because she'd be lost on you. She might wait forever, but other men won't."

"I love her," he murmured, covering his face with his hands.

Cordelia beamed. "I know." She hugged him briefly. "Now, go get her."

Before he could say anything further, Angel felt his clothes slam against his face.

"Thank you, you're very gentle," he replied to that.

"Sorry," Cordelia's smile was evident in her voice. "Well, at least we got your sense of humor back.oh, wait, on second thought, you never had a sense of humor."

"Cordelia!"

"Right," she grinned. "I hope you don't mind me driving."

"Unfortunately, I don't have a choice."

"What the Hell are you doing here?" an angry voice greeted Angel when he knocked on Buffy's door.

This voice alone possessed the power to shatter every single one of Angel's dreams, leaving him an empty shell filled with nothing but countless broken hearts, and it wasn't because of the words this voice pronounced, but because of whom this voice belonged to.

Angel cast down his eyes. "Let me talk to her, Riley."

"Why should I?" Riley crossed his arms on his chest, inclining one shoulder against the doorframe. "You actually think I'll let you anywhere NEAR her after what you've done?"

"You don't know anything about what I've done."

"I know she was crying when I came here, and that's way more than enough information for me."

Angel closed his eyes briefly, embracing himself for a short moment. "Don't do this, Riley," he finally said. "Don't get in the middle of this, let her decide."

Riley looked to the ground awkwardly.

"Angel."

Both men turned at the direction where that single soft word had come from.

Riley glanced once at his former girlfriend's face and silently stepped back, allowing the other man to enter the house.

Buffy descended the stairs and held Angel's offered hand in hers the second he was indoors. She looked up at him, trying to read his eyes, something she was once so good at and what now couldn't be done.

"How.how did you?." she began.

"Cordelia," he answered her unasked question, "she's waiting outside in the car. Buffy, I."

"Don't," she put her finger on his lips and swallowed. "Ask me to stay, Angel."

Angel opened his mouth to say something, but then closed it, his traditional half-smile lighting his handsome features. He went down on one knee, holding her hand in his and looking up at her. "I'm asking you to stay," he whispered, "forever." He brought her hand to his lips, kissing her knuckles gently.

Buffy pulled him up to his feet, immediately wrapping her arms around him, burrowing her face in his chest. "Thank you," she whispered softly.

Angel planted a tender kiss on the top of her head, embracing her tightly. "I love you," he kissed her head again, "I always have, and I always will, and I don't want you to ever doubt it. Ever."

"I love you too," she murmured against his chest.

Part Six

"Riley," Angel greeted the man at the door. "Whatever brings you by?"

Riley chuckled. "You should be careful, man, it might actually look like you're feigning the whole blindness thing. You're sure it's not just an act, pal?"

Angel chuckled dryly. "You know what? That was really unnecessary, and really really low."

Riley looked down. "Then how else would you know straight away it was I?"

"If you really must know, your cologne gave you in. And just for the record, I WISH I were feigning it. Every second of my life I pray I could feign it. You have no idea what it feels like, not to be able to see, so you might as well shut up, or at least, do me the curtsy of not mocking it in my face."

"It was just a joke," Riley murmured, albeit his head was hung in mortification.

"So, joke elsewhere," Angel told him, plain and simple. "Weren't you going to come in?" he moved back, holding the door open.

Riley hesitated at first, then stepped in.

Angel proceeded into the living room, taking a seat on one of the couches there, and Riley perched on the other one.

"You seem to.move around.almost freely," Riley commented hesitantly.

"Takes practice," Angel replied, sighing and leaning backwards, "Buffy taught me where everything was, so the only thing that was actually up to me was to avoid hitting it."

"Right," was all the blond could think of that moment. The conversation was awkward enough already, and it hadn't even begun yet.

"Help yourself, if you want anything."

"I'm good," Riley waved his hand 'no', but soon realized it was useless and ineptly put it back on his lap.

"I can guess why you're here," Angel started talking again after a short while.

"Can you, really?" Riley's head sprang up.

Angel laughed. "I'm blind, I'm not stupid."

"No, you're certainly not that."

"Well?"

"Well?" Riley reiterated.

"You want us to sit in silence forever, or you're gonna start talking in some point? Besides," a knowing half smile appeared on his lips, "Buffy's to be back soon, she's just out for some coffee with Cordelia. And call it a sixth sense, but I have a very strong feeling this conversation is NOT meant for her ears. Am I right?"

Riley sighed. "It's her I wanna talk about."

"I know," Angel said simply.

"Alright," Riley took a deep breath, "I want you to let her go."

The other man only smiled. "You do?"

"Yes," Riley voiced emphatically, "and you know why."

"I do?" again, that same smile. "Yes, I do. So that you could have her."

"So she would have a life!" Riley remonstrated, warming up, "It has NOTHING to do with me!"

"Has it?" he queried in mocked wonder.

"I want her to have a life," he restated, "some kind of life, ANY kind of life. If she chooses me for it, so better, but at least she will be happy."

"And she isn't here? Have you ever bothered to ask her, or have you come up with it yourself?"

"THIS is NOT a life," the blond uttered through screeched teeth.

"Repeating my own words really isn't going to help your case, Riley."

Riley eyed him askance for a long moment. "How come you're so calm?" he asked then, quietly, prudently. "Only several weeks ago, YOU were the one who made her leave, from the same reasons, and now, you're acting as if you don't care at all."

"Many things can change within a few weeks, Riley. Even more can change within the couple of hours between when she had walked out of that door and until Cordelia and I did the same."

"What things?" he wanted to know.

"Wanna know what a very good friend of mine told me?" When he received no reply from the other man's direction, Angel went on. "She said that you don't let go of your soulmate twice in a lifetime, three in my case."

"Your soulmate?"

"Yes, my soulmate. Have you ever met your soulmate, Riley? Have you ever had this feeling within you that tells you 'this woman is everything for me, she is my life, she is my happiness, my redemption, she's the one, my soulmate'.have you ever had this feeling? This little voice in your heart prompting you to never let her go, and whatever voice there is in your head, you're just incapable of listening to?"

Riley was silent. No, to himself, he couldn't lie. No, he didn't know how it felt. He thought Buffy was the one for him, he thought so for a long time, and he even dared to hope she could perhaps once love him like he loved her. And all in all, he never once felt something like that towards Buffy. He thought he did, but.but he knew better than to think now. Buffy wasn't his soulmate, she was someone else's. Was this 'someone else' her soulmate too? She loved him so dearly, Riley knew, but.was he?

And even more important, would she be happy with him?

Star-crossed lovers, that's what they were, and that's what they always would be. Star-crossed. Why would it change now?

"Let her go," he heard himself pronounce, "she doesn't need this. She doesn't deserve this."

"However, she deserves you," Angel could hear the hope in the other man's voice.

"Yes!" the word escaped his lips before Riley was able to hinder it, and he wasn't sure he repented it or not. "Show me one thing," his voice was a lot more tranquil now as he spoke, "one thing that you can give her and I can't. I can show you plenty the other way around."

"Happiness," Angel whispered inaudibly.

"I can give her happiness," Riley argued, but somehow wasn't so confident in his own uttered words. Could he REALLY initiate that glimmer in her eyes that was so much more brilliant than any sun, every time HE walked into the room, or held her in his arms? Could he make her utter his name in that soft caressing fashion she uttered HIS, each sound that left her lips levitating like a feather in the breeze?

He could give her things though, many things, but happiness."How can you call this a healthy relationship for a woman her age?" he asked quietly, in a voice that intended no harm, just pointed out facts. "She has so many things left to try out, to experience, to enjoy, and instead she's here with you. One of the things a relationship is built on is sharing; sharing almost everything. How can she share something with you, if you can't even see? You must love her very much to keep her locked up like this." He regretted his latter wisecrack, he should have never uttered it. But it was one of the most vexatious aspects of words, they could never be taken back.

Angel had had it with him by now. "Listen to me," he almost bellowed, "you can say WHATEVER you want, but don't you EVER dare mocking our relationship, OR my feelings towards her, because you don't know the first ting about either one of them! Am I clear?"

"Why not? Truth hurts, is that it?" Riley retorted, now far more aggravated than Angel. "You have no right to keep her locked up!"

"I don't keep her locked up! If you loved Buffy half as much as you claim you do, you'd know she's not one to be kept locked up! She's here out of her own free will! She's here because she wants to, NOT because I make her stay!"

"She's here because she pities you! She's here because she thinks it's her fault she didn't save you back then at the battle; that she didn't save you from that explosion that took your sight from you, THAT'S why she's here! And because she feels an obligation to take care of you, as if she owes you something. THIS is what your RELATIONSHIP is based on. Pretty picture, wouldn't you say?"

Angel just sat there for a minute, letting that old anguish from weeks ago to reappear and cut even deeper. His face both stunned and hurt, while inside, he felt as if he had just been stabbed through the heart. "Get out," he managed, when he finally got his voice back, then he rose to his feet and started in the direction of the bedroom.

"Sit down!" Riley charged, not really grasping what he was doing.

Angel stood still, but didn't revolve. "You certainly have some nerve ordering me around in my own home, you know that?" both the pang and the smirk were more than evident in his voice.

Riley gulped. "I'm not finished," he said humbly.

"Well, that's too bad, because I am." Angel started walking again.

"Wait!" Riley called after him, when he stopped again, he continued. "I.I'm sorry. I didn't mean to.I'm sorry. I didn't mean to question your feelings," he said honestly, "I know you love her, and I believe that," he went on, seeing he got the other man's attention. "Proving that you don't love her wasn't the goal I came here to achieve."

"You want her with you."

"Are you saying she's better with you? No matter what the terms are, as long as it's with you?"

"I'm saying she's better with whoever she wants to be," Angel drew in a deep, suddenly very necessary, breath.

"You will live forever in two completely different worlds, never in the same one. The fact that one of you can see and the other one can't, will never change, and will be hovering between the two of you forever. It will disturb her, forever, regardless to what she might say. Even if it bothers her because it's your best she wishes for, but it will still bother her. You can't deny peace from her for the rest of her life, and instead have her spending her life worrying over you. You owe her that, after all she has already done for you. You did the noble thing once, do it again. Tell her to go, and don't take it back this time."

Angel intended to answer that, but the doorbell rang and cut him off.

The moment he had the door open, he felt soft familiar lips plunging his, and gentle arms encircled themselves around his neck.

Angel instantly reacted to that, hugging her close, crushing her body to his, as he welcomed her tongue into his mouth, within one second forgetting everything that had transpired just now, letting all the worries in the world die in her arms.

When she finally pulled away, not less breathless than he, the anxious and dejected expression was gone from his face, and a happy smile took its place.

"Now, I feel better," Buffy breathed out, still standing within the circle of his embrace, resting her forehead against his.

Angel kissed her brow, hugging her to his chest. All Riley's words were suddenly so meaningless, so vacant, against the emotions radiating from his love as she was cuddled in the safety of his arms.

"You know," he heard that cherished voice speak again, and his hand brushed tenderly against the blond of her hair, "Cordy is a lot of fun, and I can't believe it's just come out of my mouth, but in some point, I just started missing my Angel." Buffy looked up at him. "What do you think about the rest of the day on the beach?"

"We are on the beach," he smiled.

She laughed, and it was music to his ears. "You know what I mean, grab a few towels, bathing suits." her hand roamed underneath the fabric of his shirt, caressing his chest, "on second thought, bathing suits might not be necessary," she pointed out, "nor the towels," she whispered throatily into his neck, raining it with little kisses. But then she suddenly stopped. "Angel, why is Riley's car parked in the driveway?" she asked, looking up at him expectantly.

And that was the moment when everything came back, when reality hit home again. Angel drew away from her, releasing her from his embrace, and the somber look was instantly back on his face.

"Angel, what is it?" Buffy inquired worriedly. "What happened?" Without waiting for a reply she knew she wasn't going to get, Buffy took Angel's hand, entering the living room with him.

"What are you doing here?" she asked Riley, who was still sitting there, and who looked up the moment she entered, with a guilty expression on his face.

Buffy looked from him to Angel, then back at him, her eyes demanding an answer.

"Buffy, I."

"We were talking," Angel answered instead, "and Riley was about to go."

"Then maybe I should walk him out," Buffy said in a steely voice, the sound of which told a lot more than the words themselves.

"What the Hell did you tell him?" she questioned her ex-boyfriend once the door of the house was closed on them.

"Many things," he breathed, leaning back against the wall.

"What things?" she demanded.

Riley opened his mouth, but Buffy held up her hand.

"On second thought, don't tell me. I already know. Let me do the talking now, okay? Stay away from him Riley, do you hear me? I know what you told him, and not because he said anything, but because I could read it on his face. And I also know, and you do too, that it's very easy to make him do something when he's convinced it's for my own good, especially now, so butt out."

"Buffy, you don't understand."

"No, YOU don't understand. I love him, Riley. HIM, not anyone else. Remember why you left me all those years ago? You knew I never loved you, not the way you wanted to be loved, not the way Angel is. I know how much you used to hate him, maybe still do, and let's put the cards on the table once and for all, it had absolutely NOTHING to do with him being a vampire. Ever since you found out about him, there wasn't a second you stopped competing him, not a second! Everything you wanted me to give you, you KNEW it was already taken long before you came into the picture, and it was taken by him. And the fact that you could never be him was driving you crazy! So much, you reached a point you couldn't stand being always the second best, and you gave me an ultimatum, whether I give in to you, or you take off, and you took off! And you know what? I DON'T blame you." She gazed at him for a spell, not saying anything, then sighed. "It hasn't changed since then. I thought we parted as friends the last time. I didn't say anything when Willow sent you to my house when I came back from LA a few weeks ago, because it was the perfect Willow-thing to do, so I wasn't even surprised, but I see that I should have said something. I DIDN'T come to you for comfort, Riley, YOU were waiting for me. So, don't do this. Don't cause yourself pain you don't need, and even more important, don't cause HIM pain, because he's had enough. MORE than enough, actually. I'm trying to rebuild his self-confidence, and believe it or not, it's not easy. And what you do DOESN'T help me. So, stop. Just leave. You're still my friend, Riley, but we can become enemies, I can arrange that, if you want. But if you want to remain on civil terms with me, you better leave."

"I see," Riley chuckled. "He won, didn't he?"

"Won? He never lost, Riley. There was never a competition." Her voice softened. "I'm sorry."

"So am I," he smiled. "I only wanted you to be happy, Buffy."

"I am," she beamed. "I'm the happiest person in the world. You can't get happier than I am. I know." she swallowed, "I know it hurts you to hear this, but I have to say it. He's my soulmate. This man is everything to me, he's my life. Have you ever had this feeling? Have you ever had a little voice in your heart, like the one in mine, that's prompting me to never let him go, and whatever voice there is in my head, I'm just incapable of listening to?"

Riley chuckled. "I know I heard that before."

"That's what it feels like, to have a soulmate. Have you ever felt this way?"

Riley closed his eyes for one second. "I'm glad you're happy," he finally said, "tell him.congratulations. He's the luckiest man on earth. I just hope he won't let you go, if he has brains enough." He leant forward and planted a small kiss on her cheek. "Goodbye, Buffy."

"Goodbye," Buffy smiled to herself, watching him leave, then she entered the house, closing the door behind her.

She found Angel sitting by the window, his one hand tossing with the curtains, while the other resting on his lap. Buffy took it from there and occupied its place, resting her head against his chest.

"I never got to see the sun, you know?" he asked her, his eyes gazing outside.

Buffy took his hand in hers, kissing it softly. She didn't know what to say.

"It's ironic, don't you think?" Angel continued. "I always hoped.I always hoped I will see the sun one day, when I will be human, and now, I'm human, and I never got to see the sun." A tear slipped from the corner of his eye and rolled down his cheek.

Buffy encircled her arms around his neck.

"You didn't believe him, did you?" she had to ask.

Angel smiled weakly, a faint smile, brightened by the sun he was never to see. "Does it matter?"

"It does to me."

"Yes, I believed him," he said, "I believed some of what he said. But after giving it a lot of thought, I decided I'm keeping you anyway," he kissed her head, letting go of the drapery and wrapping his arms around her. "You're satisfied with my response now?" he asked lightheartedly.

Buffy grinned. "I need you to know.that I love you. I know what he told you, Angel, it's written allover your face, and I need you to know it's not true. I AM sorry I couldn't save you, but I'm not here because of that. I'm not here because it's my duty, I'm here because I love you so much, and that's what love is all about, Angel. It's about being there for each other, for better and for worse. And there will be better times, too, Angel. There have to be. I have to believe in that, for both of us. And yes, I do wish you were able to see. I wish none of this had happened, but we can't change that. A person can't change what has already been done. All we can do is find the best in what we have now, and it's easy. I'm with you, Angel. It can't get better than that for me, and I don't care if there are thousands of not blind Riley's in this world, YOU are the only one I want." She angled up her head and kissed him gently. "Are you satisfied with my response?"

Angel kissed her lips. "I love you," he whispered softly.

Part Seven

"Oh, my God, Angel!" Buffy exclaimed fearfully the moment she entered the kitchen, right after hearing a loud bang coming from there.

She descried Angel by the counter, his eyes roaming about the room with something similar to a complete perplexity and fright. Then she noticed the glass strewn at his feet, and only then her eyes rested on his left hand. It was bleeding.

Buffy ran over to him, shaking him slightly, for he still seemed to be in a some kind of shock. It wasn't the first time, however. Incidents like that one had transpired before, and yet, each time a new one happened, it dazed them both, and mainly him, as if it were the first time.

"Come here," she wrapped her arms around him, leading him towards a chair. She used one hand to pull it back from the table, and another to guide him to a sitting position.

Angel sat down, a bit stiffly. "I'm sorry." he murmured, more to himself than to her, since he was still giving away the impression he wasn't quite aware of her presence there. "I just.I just wanted something to drink, I didn't want to awake you for."

"Shh." Buffy embraced him tightly, caressing his back. "It's okay. Everything's fine, you just broke a couple of glasses, that's all," she kissed his head, "it's no big deal. It's nothing." She spoke softly, trying to sooth him as much as she could, but in the depth of her heart, knew it could never be done. "I'm more worried about your hand though."

And as if the thought of it snapped her back to reality, Buffy let go of him and left to search for the first aid kit they were keeping in the kitchen.

"Angel, if you need something, anything, no matter what, never hesitate to wake me up, or to call me. I'm here for you, all the time, you know that," she was saying, while bandaging his hand.

"I thought I could do it, but then I didn't find the glasses, and."

"Oh, God, I'm sorry. It's my fault," she brought her hand to her mouth, then placed it gently on his arm. "I washed the dishes yesterday evening, and I forgot to put everything back the way it was. God, only to think it could be so much more than your hand.Angel, I'm so sorry."

Angel smiled, assuring her it was okay.

Buffy waited for a second, but then said nothing, only taped the dressing and brought his injured hand to her lips to kiss it, cuddling it in her both hands.

Angel covered her hands with his other one. "Don't worry," he grinned faintly.

Buffy sighed, and released his hands.

Angel's eyes followed her as he felt her leave the table, and the sounds that reached his ears later indicated it was to sweep the shattered glass from the floor. He kept watching the direction from which the voices immerged, sitting in silence. There was no way of guessing what might have been going on in his mind those moments. Not even Buffy could know if to base it on the fathomless expression in his eyes.

But she didn't look at him. She didn't search for answers already known to her. Every time something like this transpired, she knew precisely what he felt, and why he felt it. Every time he bumped into something, tripped over something, dropped, spilled, or broke something, she knew exactly how he felt.

He was devastated by it. Actually, devastated was an understatement. Buffy saw how much he always tried to prove himself to her. And albeit she told him numerous times it was gratuitous, and that she wanted him to stop, she also understood how important it was, FOR HIM, as a person. Perhaps, he wasn't even aware of that, but it was HIMSELF he was really doing it all for, not her. It was himself he wanted to prove he could do things. That he was still, on some levels, capable. It was needed more for the sake of his own self-reliance, than to prove her he could.

And therefore, each time he failed, Buffy understood just how deeply it hurt. And whenever he was hurting, she was hurting twice as much.

Angel stirred from his evidently deep thoughts when a gentle hand lay on his arm.

"And here I almost thought I lost you back to your brooding side," she said, trying to mold her voice to sound as lighthearted as possible.

Buffy carefully placed a coffee mug in his hands, cupping them with hers. "You got it?"

He nodded and she gradually let go.

"Be careful. It's not really hot, but it's hot enough."

He smiled, carefully nearing the mug to his lips and taking his first sip.

Buffy observed him performing the entire act, and only after he safely placed the cup back on the table, sipped from hers.

"Are you okay?" she asked him.

"You keep asking me that every time something like this happens," he pointed out.

"Maybe because I want to know," she smiled.

"I'm fine," he said, with an uncharacteristic icy edge to his voice, "as fine as it gets in my case."

"I'm sorry," she said.

He chuckled. "What about?"

"I'm sorry you have to go through this, and I'm sorry I can't take this away from you. I'm sorry it's happening to you, and that it causes you so much pain.and I'm so sorry there's nothing I can do."

Angel merely grinned. "Don't be," he said gently. "You know, in order for me to ever learn to live with it, I kinda need you to do that too."

Buffy stood from her chair and reached out to hug him.

Angel returned her hug, pulling her into his lap.

"I've always admired your strength, you know that?" she spoke quietly, her fingertips caressing the upside of his hand. "I think I've just started admiring you even more."

"It's not my strength," Angel reinforced his embrace around her waist. "I draw that strength from you." He inclined his head on hers. "If you weren't here.I assure you there would be nothing to admire."

Buffy laughed. "You know that you're giving me a little too much credit, don't you?" she cupped his chin, turning him to face her. "You're such an extraordinary man, Angel. If you only knew just how special you are."

He grinned slightly. "I don't think.I don't think I ever thanked you for.for being here at all. For being by my side when I need you the most, for staying with me when you could have left, and for putting up with everything. I know it's been hard on you too, you wouldn't be human if it weren't hard on you, and yet you found a way to cope, and help me cope, and for that, I'm so much more than grateful. I needed someone I could always rely on, someone to trust and know would always be there for me, and you gave it to me. I never thought you would.stay with me, after so long apart, and you have. And I thank you."

"Don't. Angel, I.I made so many mistakes in my life.most of them were the terrible things I've done to you. I'm not saying that what I do now is a sort of making amends for everything.I'm not trying to fix what I've done, because you can't really fix what's already happened. But I AM trying to make things better.for the future. Because.I want us to have a future.together." She inspected his gaze. "Do you?"

"You know I do," he smiled, "I wanted to.for ages, I think, all I thought of was." he closed his eyes for a spell, then opened them again, but even though his gaze was somewhat amused, it was also distant.longing. "I had this fantasy.that when I would become human one day, I would be able to come back to you, and you'd take me back with open arms. And then we'd get married, have lots of kids, maybe even a dog, and live happily ever after in a house surrounded with a white picket fence. And I know it sounds incredibly dumb, especially if to take into account the way things are now."

Buffy hushed him with her index finger. "Not at all dumber than mine," she kissed his lips gently. "You know, since we both are awake in the middle of the night anyway, how about taking a walk alongshore?" She hoped it would at least somehow cheer him up. Knowing how he liked these long walks in the moonlight, she figured it was worth a shot.

Angel, obviously, read her thoughts. "Why not?" he offered a weak, cooperative smile.

"This is nice," Buffy voiced, clinging to her lover's side, while one of her arms was secured around him and the other lay on his bare chest.

"Yeah," Angel chuckled, "even if I wanted to, I could never trip here."

Buffy sighed.

"I'm sorry," he squeezed her waist.

"So," she hastily changed the subject. "What was it you were saying about a house with a picket fence? Any chance you could settle for a beach house? Oh, and could we please not have a dog, or any kind of pet for that matter? I've never been really good with animals, you know. I used to have fish, remember? They kinda tend to die on me."

"I think we could reach a compromise," Angel beamed.

Buffy abruptly desisted her amble and revolved to face Angel, taking his hands. "Do you want to marry me?" she asked the last question he expected her to ask.

Angel stared with obvious astonishment. "Shouldn't I be asking that?" he queried finally.

"Was that a 'no'?"

Angel pulled back for a second. "It's a big step, Buffy. You know that, don't you?"

"Angel," Buffy put her hand on his arm, but he recoiled.

"Living with me isn't a picnic, Buffy. You see that already, and just so you know, in the future it isn't going to get any easier. It's not like I'm gonna wake up one day, and will be able to see again. You can't." he closed his eyes in pain, obviously contemplating his next words before uttering them. "You can't just throw in something as momentous as marriage and expect me to just."

"Why not?" she flung her hands in the air. "Why is it okay for me to live with you, in this APPALLING environment, and yet it's so WRONG for me to become your wife? I'm not a little girl, Angel, I know what I'm taking on myself, okay? I know the package, and still, I'm asking you. Marry me, Angel." She never tore her eyes from his, always searching for a reply in those arcane orbs, but not finding even a single intimation.

"You have to understand something," he finally spoke, reaching his hands for hers.

Buffy put her hands in his and he held them gently, his eyes vainly trying to locate hers, even though she'd never broken eye contact.

"This is forever you're talking about," he went on. "Marriage is forever. Do you want forever with me?"

She opened her mouth to reply, but he cut her short, as if knowing what she was going to say.

"Don't answer me now. Look at me, Buffy. This is me. This is the me you're taking for the rest of your life. Do you really want that? There is so much difference between a living-together couple and a married couple. It's a lifetime commitment, Buffy." He pulled her with him down to the sand, releasing one of her hands to grope for the ground he was about to sit on, and Buffy reposed her hand on his shoulder to reassure him it was safe, while sitting down next to him.

"I always wanted to.I always dreamt about marrying you.when I would become human. But then.then I lost my sight, and.and it took me.a long while, to convince myself I was worthy to enact as your.boyfriend, and now, you're asking me."

"I'm asking you to become my husband," she completed his sentence. "Be my husband, Angel. I don't care if you can see or not. Do you think THAT'S why I fell in love with you to begin with? Because you could see? Do you think that's what makes you so incredibly special in my eyes? How about you think again? I just want to be with you, Angel. I wanna spend the rest of my life with you, and I wanna spend it as husband and wife. I WANT to be your wife. I want the forever, Angel. I want the fairytale you told me once we could never have. You don't have to be able to see to give me all that. You don't have to be able to see to make me happy. I want you to hold me through the night, and I want your smile to greet me in the morning, and I want to see that gold band on your finger, and I want you to call me 'wife'." She averted her eyes for a moment, then continued. "I had a dream once, you know. It was prophetic, I know that now, because I had it long before you became human. We were lying in your bed, I think it was in your former apartment, the one that blew up. And you were holding me so gently in your arms, and my head was resting on your chest, and I could listen to your heart beating, and you promised me we would make it work. You promised me in that dream, Angel."

"Stop!" he cried out abruptly, pulling away from her as if she were fire.

Buffy refused to believe it, but she was too convinced it was tears she descried in his eyes that moment, tears that seemingly had come out of nowhere. "Angel, what is it?" she asked, frightened, trying to touch him, but he kept jerking back. "Angel, please, talk to me.was it something I said?"

"I'm sorry." the words came out as a painful whisper, initiating a throbbing ache in her heart she couldn't comprehend the meaning of.

"Sorry about what? What happened?" Buffy questioned gently at first, then she put her hands on his shoulders and shook him slightly. "Angel, pull yourself together." She instantly regretted the words, because they came out a lot harsher than she had intended them to, even though they were uttered softly. "Tell me what's wrong. Was it.was it something in the dream I told you about that made you react that way? What was it?"

"Don't," he held up a hand, moving away. "Don't call it a dream. God, I can't do this anymore." he brought said hand to cover his face.

"Angel, whatever it is, just tell me. Please," she removed his hand from his face, taking it in her own.

"Do you really love me?" he asked.

"What? I.of course, I do. Why are you asking me that?"

"I can't do this anymore," was all he said, having nothing whatsoever to do with her question. "I've been holding it in for years, and I can't do this anymore."

"Angel, I don't understand. What have you been holding in?"

"Everything!" he exclaimed. "Everything I could never tell you.I.I'm sorry. Buffy, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I took it away from you." he cried.

Buffy didn't understand the reason for all this. "What."

"It wasn't a dream, Buffy," he explained in a shaky voice. "It was a memory. And I know it wasn't the only thing you have dreamt about, because I know there were more."

"How could you."

"Because it all really happened, Buffy!" he cried. "This day really happened.God, please," he found her hands and took them in his, "please, don't hate me for this. I'm sorry."

Buffy pulled her hands away, darting back. Her head was reeling with the new information she had just received. She wasn't able to think clearly, just as she wasn't able to perceive the shattered expression that filled his eyes the moment he no longer felt her hands in his.

Her face was rapidly becoming as tear-streaked as his, as everything was sinking through. The day she thought existed only in her dreams.had genuinely happened. It was a little too much to absorb right now, but she had no other choice. A little voice in her head berated her for not grasping it sooner. Considering she knew he had turned the day back, and she knew how, and she knew why, how come she hadn't deduced it had truly happened?

And now, she started feeling rage towards herself, not towards him. He had given up everything for her - to save her life, and she had repaid him with 'start forgetting', only seconds earlier, vowing in his arms she never would. But she had. She wanted to kill herself when out of the blue, Cordelia's words came rushing back to her. 'You haven't gotten the slightest idea of what this man has done for you, what he has given up for you, and most of it you would never know!'

And now.now, she finally knew what Cordelia was talking about, what was that enormous thing he had done for her and she was never to know. She owed him her life. No, she owed him so much more than her life. Only to imagine what it must have been like for him, keeping it away from her for so many years, what it must have done to his soul, how much pain it must have caused him. What it was like, to give up his only true chance for happiness with the woman he loved, and let go of what was their dream.what was the embodiment of all of their dreams.Buffy shook these thoughts out of her head as soon as they started to rise. It tormented her to merely think of them now, she didn't even want to know what it had been doing to him all these years. There were no words to describe how much she loved him that moment.

And that was when she remembered him again. It completely flew out of her mind he was even there, so much she was into her own thoughts. Her heart cracked when she looked back at him.

He was still sitting on the sand, in the exactly same posture he was when she pulled her hands out of his just before. His eyes were blankly peering at the ground, as silent tears trickled down his cheeks, mottling the sand.

Buffy reached out and hugged him tight, rocking his body with hers. "I love you so much," she whispered, "I can never tell you how much I love you, because it'll never be enough, and just for what you did for me, I love you so much."

"I'm sorry for not telling you this," he started hesitantly. "You had the right to."

"No," she put her finger on his lips, then removed it, gently brushing the tears away from his face. "I'M sorry, Angel. I'm sorry for breaking my promise, and I'm sorry for walking out of your arms that day for years after. I'm sorry I doomed us both to an endless loneliness, and I'm sorry for that we had to wait for years until we could reunite again. If only I hadn't walked away."

"But I was the one who turned back that day, Buffy, not you. If I hadn't."

"Angel, if I were in your place, I would do the same. I would never endanger your life, not under any circumstances. Please, Angel, let's not waste any more days. Say."

"Yes," Angel finished for her. His voice slightly trembled as he uttered the word, but he was sure nonetheless. "I love you," he traced her cheek tenderly with his thumb. "I think I've loved you for as long as I can remember myself if not longer. And I will never waste any more days, I promise you."

Buffy encircled his neck with her arms, attacking his mouth with a passionate kiss, as her body gradually crushed his to the white sand.

Angel's arms enfold her waist in a firm, yet gentle embrace, and after their lips reluctantly parted in a sweet last kiss, and her head finally found repose on his chest, he kept holding her like that for the rest of the night.

Part Eight

"I can't believe you talked him into this!" Cordelia exclaimed, then she leaned closer to Buffy. "Tell me how you did that? It might work on Gunn," she shrugged.

Buffy laughed. "What can I say? My boyfriend finds me impossible to refuse," she said, smiling. "I'm sorry, my FIANCE."

Cordelia leaned back on the cushions. "I hate you," she pouted jokingly. "No, seriously, how did you do that? Do you have any idea how much it took me to convince him he was good enough for you, and to push him back to good old Sunnydale after he had told you to leave? God, when this guy sets his mind on something..." she waved her hand. "On second thought, you're no less stubborn. You're the perfect match. I can already hear the yelling around the house," she grinned.

"Okay, okay, I'm not saying it was a piece of cake. And stubborn or not, trust me when I say we both found the time to cry our eyes out, which also involved a certain revelation," Buffy added with a pointing look towards Cordelia which the brunette knew only too well.

"Oh, oh," she murmured.

"I'm not mad at you, Cord," Buffy softened the blow.

Cordelia's head snapped up. "You're not?"

Buffy shook her head.

"That's only because you're officially engaged now, right? It's the thought of marrying Angel.it's clouding your judgment."

"Partly," Buffy grinned, "but I mean it too. I'm not angry with you. To tell you the truth, I was kinda surprised you actually kept this secret for him for so long."

"Please, stop," Cordelia smirked, "you'll make me blush. Anyway, it's not like Angel actually trusted me with this secret. He told Doyle, you know, with them being best friends and all, and Doyle told me. That's how I know. At the time when it happened, Angel and I still weren't on the brother-sister terms we're on today. But still, I'm glad you know. It's one secret less to keep."

"I imagine," Buffy grinned.

"Okay, back to our favorite topic. When's the big day?"

"What do you mean?"

"The wedding. Don't play dumb, Buffy. It's not like there's been anything else on your mind since he said 'yes'. So, when is it?"

"As soon as we can," Buffy beamed.

"How soon?" Cordelia's eyes widened. "I need a dress!"

"Who said you're invited?" Buffy inquired.

"Who said I'm not?" Cordelia shot back. "So, when?"

"Well, we haven't really talked about it, you know. I mean, I only asked him last night. But I'm thinking something along the lines of this or the next month. Well, on second thought, there's not much left from this, so I'd say it's next month. Anyway, I still gotta ask Angel, so don't count on anything yet."

"Next month is kinda soon, don't you think? It leaves us completely no time to prepare for a big wedding," Cordelia observed.

Buffy shook her head. "I don't want a big wedding."

"You don't? But I thought."

"Cordelia, I don't wanna have a wedding that I alone will be able to enjoy. I don't wanna have flowers, decorations and all that, if Angel won't be able to see it anyway. I mean, what's the point? I want a wedding we'll both remember and enjoy equally, so.it's gonna be something small and private. A priest, the closest circle of friends, and of course, Angel and me. I think we could do it on the beach. I know Angel likes it there in the moonlight. So, you're not gonna need a fancy dress," she smiled.

"You know," Cordelia put her hand on Buffy's arm, "I can't believe I'm saying it, but.he really is lucky to have you back into his life."

Buffy laughed. "Be careful, Cordy, I might take it as a compliment," then she smiled, "but thanks. And anyway, he's not the only one who's lucky."

"I'm really glad you're back together, you know. I don't think.I don't think you fully understand what it means to him that you want to marry him," at Buffy's offended look, Cordelia amended, "you do.I mean, you do understand what's going on with him, better than anyone, that's for sure. What I'm saying is that.well, I've been there for him, all these years.no, Buffy, it's not what I meant!" she took a deep breath. "Just let me get this out. I have been there, and I saw the way he was.alone, and.he never admitted anything, and he never said anything, but I have a very good impression of how hard it was on him. I mean, you know Angel. He likes to keep everything inside. Whatever hurts the most, and whatever is of the highest significance to him, he prefers to keep inside. That's when brooding becomes handy. The only person he can fully share his feelings with has always been you. He opens up to others too but.I guess it's because he's been mostly on his own for decades, but it takes people a very long time to gain his trust up to such level he'd feel it's safe to confide in them. So, basically, what I'm trying to say is that he pretty much had no one to turn to all those years you two were apart. The fact that you've come back to him, and still want him.the way he is now.and most important, still love him, these are the things that mean the world to him. I'm not saying it's any less for you, but.if to take it from his point of view."

"I understand," Buffy smiled.

"You made his dreams come true, and more importantly, you made him believe he deserves to have his dreams come true."

"We made each other's dreams come true, Cordelia."

"Well," Cordelia clapped her hands in excitement, "where's your fiance? I wanna congratulate him in person," she grinned.

"He's in the bedroom, he thought I should tell you about everything in private, you know, since I was going to ask you to be my bride's maid and everything." Buffy spoke as she was sauntering in the direction of the bedroom. She could practically see Cordelia's astonished gaze boring into her back when just before entering the room, she turned around, flashing the brunette a slick grin. "Oh, did I forget to mention it?"

A minute later, Buffy was back, and with Angel by her side. She guided him towards the sofa when Cordelia was sitting and he occupied the spot next to her, instantly having Buffy curled up in his lap.

"I hear it's a congratulations, Angel," Cordelia smiled, "I was kinda thinking about giving you a hug, but it seems a little impossible as of now," she shot Buffy a pointing grin.

"I'll let you hug him later," she replied, snuggling deeper in Angel's embrace as he wrapped his arms around her, the genuinely happy beam on his face was undoubtedly one Cordelia hadn't seen in a very very long time. She noted to herself that his expression had always been priceless whenever he held his little Slayer in his arms. In that moment, Cordelia had almost forgotten why she preferred Buffy to stay away from Angel only a couple of months ago.

"I'm really happy for you," she told them, "it's pretty much the best news I've had in ages." Then, with a strangely grave expression, she asked. "Why did you choose me to be your bride's maid?"

"You're my friend, Cordy, don't you think it's kinda expected that I'd choose you as my bride's maid? Don't you want to?..."

"Of course, I do! I'm just surprised, that's all. I figured, well.that you'd ask Willow."

Buffy averted her gaze and Angel squeezed her hand lovingly, sensing the hurt radiating from her. He knew Willow was a particularly sore spot.

"I would never ask Willow," Buffy said eventually. "Maybe once.a long time ago.I might have. But when I'm about to marry the man that I love, I don't want my bride's maid to be someone who doesn't even think this marriage should come to pass. Willow's.was, at least, my best friend, and I hate what's happening between us now, but I'm not backing off. I won't live my life according to what she thinks is the right way. I did it once, and wound up with Riley. And Riley was a good guy, but he wasn't Angel, and it ultimately got him hurt. So, I made the right choices for myself, without listening to Willow, and right now, I'm happier than I ever thought I could be. She can't accept it, and this is the only thing I postulate from this friendship - for her to accept the man I love. She thinks it's not right, even though she was the most supportive person to our relationship in the past, and I don't want to have a friend who would never uphold as substantial matter as my marriage. It's as simple as that."

Angel reinforced his hold on Buffy, and she smiled briefly, thankfully reclining her suddenly very tired head on his chest.

Cordelia nodded in silent understanding. "And what about Giles? And Oz? And Xander? And then, there's Anya? What about them? Are they coming to the wedding?"

"Yeah," Buffy nodded. "Or, at least, I think they are. I mean, Xander and I have been having the long-distance-relationship over the phone for the past months. You know how he is, he's not supporting it and he's not against it. He says that as long as Angel and I are ready to really pull this off, he'll back us up one hundred percent. You know, it's funny how the rolls flipped like that," Buffy chuckled suddenly, "I think it was only yesterday when Xander was completely eaten with jealousy and Willow was the best friend I could always turn to. Funny. Anyway, I'm not such a great friend with Anya, but she's actually nice.after you're with her for some years. Anyway, she's Xander's girlfriend, and they'll both be invited so I'd say they'd show. Now, about Giles, well.Giles will definitely be there. There's not a single doubt about that. Now, that leaves us with Oz. He's been more or less supportive along the bumpy road towards our soon-to-be wedding day, but you know Oz. He's standing up for Willow, so.I think it's her decision eventually, whether he comes or not. I doubt he'll show without her. And to add to this you, Gunn and Doyle, I think we're done with the guest's list." She smiled, then abruptly turned to Angel. "Honey, do you have someone you want to invite, or.exclude?"

"No," he grinned. "I think that's all."

"Good," Buffy beamed, tightening her arms around his waist. "Now, we gotta set the date."

Part Nine

Through this world I've stumbled
So many times betrayed
Trying to find an honest word
To find the truth enslaved
Oh you speak to me in riddles
And you speak to me in rhymes
My body aches to breathe your breath
You words keep me alive

- Sarah McLachlan, 'Possession'

"Morning, honey," Buffy nestled at Angel's side, sprawling her arms across his chest. "Hey," she pouted, looking up into his face, "you're not happy enough. It's your wedding day, mister."

Angel beamed, stroking her hair gently. "How could I ever forget?" he kissed her head. "I can't believe we're really doing this."

"Well, then, you better start believing, cuz starting today, you're stuck with me for life." She kissed his lips mildly and reposed her head in the crook of his neck. "Angel," she whispered, while drawing patterns on his chest with her fingertips.

"What is it?" he asked.

"This is the happiest day of my life."

Angel wrapped her in his arms. "Mine too, my love."

"It's like.it's like all of my dreams are finally coming true, Angel. It just feels too perfect to be real." She brushed his chest with a gentle hand, raining random kisses on the smooth skin, that made Angel's whole body tingle, proving him once more there was nothing more enchanting than the feel of her in his arms.

"I want to have your baby, Angel," she uttered the words, the soft, gentle words, the ones that possessed the power to fulfill his dreams.the ones that held within them the power to break his heart.

Buffy instantly sensed his abrupt tension. "Honey?" she looked up at him. "Angel? What's wrong?"

"I.I can't," he shifted from underneath her, sitting up and averting his gaze.

"Can't what?" Buffy questioned, sitting up as well, pulling the silky shit to cover her bare breasts. "Honey, talk to me." She placed her hand on his cheek and made him face her.

"I told you once," he began, his voice nearly a whisper, as if he were about to give away his most dreadful secret. "I told you years ago, that I couldn't have children."

"But.Angel, it was years before you turned human. What makes you think?."

"Buffy," he cut her, "my most cherished wish was that you one day would be my wife, and have my children.but it can never be. Let's be reasonable for a second here, okay? This body might be human now, but it had been dead for nearly two centuries before it happened. It had been nothing.but a dead flesh. A habitat to a soul.whenever it was there, other than that - empty. I don't think it really matters whether I'm human now or not. Things like this don't have the tendency to change, let's face it. I can assure you, Buffy, I.I can't have children. I wish I co." his voice broke and he closed his eyes in mid sentence, obviously in pain.

Buffy instantly took him in her arms, allaying his pain and anguish with gentle caresses. "It's okay." she whispered.

"No, it's not," he pulled off. "You want children. Remember why I left you once, Buffy? One of the reasons was because I couldn't give you children. This fact still stands. I'm human now, but this fact still stands."

"Angel, it's okay," Buffy assured softly. "So.so, we won't have children of our own. It just means it's something we'll have to accept.that it wasn't to be. But.but you can be such a wonderful father. Your heart is the most loving heart I have ever known."

"But I can't."

"Children can be adopted too, you know. I'm sure there's a little baby out there somewhere, just waiting for us to claim it."

Angel chuckled bitterly. "Who will let you to adopt a child when you have a blind husband at home? You can simply add it to the long list of the things I can't ever give you."

Buffy beheld him. His gaze was broken, shattered, and she could already see the tears starting in his beautiful eyes. But she wouldn't have it. She wouldn't have tears. Not today of all days. It was her dream too. It was her dream, to carry in her womb for nine months, and then give birth to this one special baby - many special babies - that would be her and Angel's. THAT was her dream, and Buffy was well known as one who would not settle for less than what she wanted, and while offering to adopt, deep inside, she knew just that.

"I don't want children," she said.

"What?"

"I don't want children. There's something you didn't understand. Angel, I don't want children if it's not from you. My dream was to have YOUR children. And if I can't have that, so be it, so I'll have nothing. But I don't want children just for the sake of having them. That's why, I WON'T go with someone else, just because he can give them to me, and I need you to know that. If a bunch of kids and a perfect life was my life's desire, you'd be out of the picture way before you even came in. But guess what, I fix the man I love upon all that. And yes, our life together will be far from perfect, but it will be real, and it will be happy, because we love each other enough to make it happy. I don't want any tears or sadness today, because this is the day our new life takes off." She firmly put her hands on his shoulders. "Promise me."

Angel smiled, pulling her close to him, gently stroking her long blond hair, as she rested her head against his steadily beating heart. "I love you so much," he whispered, tightly wrapping his arms around her.

"Me too," Buffy kissed his chest. "And please, let's not think about anything bad for the rest of the day?"

He merely grinned, kissing her crown in response.

"Thank you," she smiled.

Buffy stood still in front of the long mirror in her and Angel's bedroom, while Cordelia was busy fixing up her dress and hair until they appeared even more perfect than after the previous time she did the same five minutes ago.

But she wasn't paying much attention to what Cordelia was doing, nor to what she was saying. On the contrary, she used the time to reflect, to ponder about all the latest occurrences of her formerly 'ordinary' life.

So.what had happened to her lately? How long had it really been?

Well, to the rational side of her, the realistic one, it looked like two.maybe three months. Three months.had it really been only three months? So, why did it seem as if it had been years? Years that flew by, ever since that last battle.the same one that robbed her love from the only chance he ever had to see the sunshine.

No, she promised herself. No sad thoughts today. It's her wedding day, after all. To the only chosen one of her heart, to her Angel.

Only the thought of him filled her heart with thousands of dancing smiles. Her Angel. She could hardly believe she was really marrying her Angel. Only several years ago, it seemed too unreal to even dare dream about. Only several years ago, she was seriously considering a renewed relationship with Riley. If it had worked.would it have been him she was marrying now? Would it have ever worked to begin with? No, she had to admit. She had never loved Riley. That was the reason it had failed the first time, because he had known she could never give him her heart, because her heart had already been taken, by the vampire with the angelic face.

Why had she been deluding herself it would change the second time? How could she even pretend she loved another, while her Angel was the only one to ever own her heart? And it seemed so easy back then.almost imperceptible. To pretend loving someone else.it sounded so hard, yet it had been so easy.and so so agonizing.

But it didn't matter now, did it? It didn't matter anymore. Starting now, she would never have to pretend again, because she would spend the rest of her life with the only one she had never needed to feign anything around. The only one she could say 'I love you' to numerous times per day, and every single time, merely uttering these words and addressing them to him would lift her higher than seventh heaven. Her Angel, he was always what made the smallest changes, the ones that later swayed her entire life. There was not a single thing in the entire world that could stand between them and their happiness now.

"Buffy?" a voice broke into her thoughts and forced her out of her reverie.

"I'm done," Cordelia let her know, putting her both hands on her friend's shoulders and standing alongside her in front of the mirror. "You're glamorous," she complimented, obviously very pleased with her work.

Buffy scanned herself. Her dress was of pure white silk, and reached the floor in length. The fabric clung perfectly to her slim figure, emphasizing her feminine curves, in an impeccable contrast to her tanned skin. It was strapless and was completed by a dainty choker of tiny snow-white pearls.

"Thanks, Cord," she smiled.

"You're very welcome. Maybe once you can do the same for me," she grinned, but then swiftly changed her mind. "On second thought, rewind that. I'm not letting anyone do my look."

"It's okay, Cord, there are less painful ways to kill myself," Buffy joked.

Cordelia smirked at that wisecrack, but just as she was about to quip something in return, a hesitant knock interrupter the conversation.

"Come in," Cordelia answered it.

"Hi, Buffy," a timid, wavering voice spoke.

Buffy seemingly froze, slowly turning around towards the door. "Willow," she gasped.

"Well, look who turned up," Cordelia folded her arms on her chest. "Whatever changed your mind?" she smirked.

Willow looked down.

"What are you doing here, Will?" Buffy wanted to know.

"I.I came with the others. Giles, Xander, Anya, and Oz."

"I thought you didn't want to," Buffy turned back to the mirror, nervously fidgeting with her hair.

"Hey!" Cordelia removed Buffy's hand from her hair, and glared at Willow. "You're making her ruin everything I was working on for hours!"

Willow disregarded her. "Buffy, I.I'm sorry."

"Really?" Buffy still hadn't turned back from the mirror.

"Buffy, at least look at me," Willow pleaded.

"What if she doesn't want to?" Cordelia stood by her friend. "What if you've said enough already?"

"Cordy, please."

"NO! Buffy, it's your wedding day, you don't need this crap now! And as your bride's maid, my number-one job is to keep you happy through today."

"You.you're her bride's maid?"

"No, don't even do that, Will! I'm sorry to let you down, but I need a bride's maid who can be a real friend, and support the choices I make, and the man I want to marry. Unfortunately, you're answering on exactly none of the above, UNLIKE Cordelia. So, yes, she's my bride's maid."

"I'm sorry," Willow said quietly.

"You're a little late for that," Buffy snapped. "Why are you here?"

"To be at your wedding, Buffy."

"You don't want me to marry him, remember? So, why have you come to our wedding? And if you will, make it the truth this time."

"It's not that I don't want you to marry him."

"So, what is it?"

Willow took a deep breath. "I was wrong."

"You damn right!"

"Buffy, I."

"Look," Buffy finally faced her, "I don't wanna do this now. Cordelia is right. This is my wedding day, Willow, and I'm not gonna ruin it by debating with you. If you want, you can stay for the wedding, but we're more than certainly not going to sort this out now."

"Buffy?."

The three women turned to the door to the sound of a new voice. They had been staring at him for a few seconds, before even acknowledging they were. He was so gorgeous they couldn't take their eyes off of him, none of them had ever thought he could look SO good.

"Buffy?" he spoke her name again, his eyes scanning in the infinite darkness.

Buffy shook her head, forcing her eyes off of his perfectly shaped body, that looked even better in the black pants and the white shirt, with a matching black waistcoat on top. She had to admit it to herself, she'd never thought anyone could look so good in a tux.

"Hello, handsome," she approached him with a bright smile, that was instantly reflected on Angel's face.

"I'll have to take your word for that," he replied, stretching his hands out for her to take them, which she did, and he pulled her to him.

"While you're at it, why don't you take mine too?" Cordelia commented. "And now, I'll better get out of here...find Gunn, before I start drooling on the wrong guy." And with an additional smile, she exited the room.

"I need your help," Angel said to Buffy after Cordelia had left.

"And what might that be?" her arms slowly snaked around his waist.

Angel pulled a necktie out of his pocket.

"You and the rest of mankind," Buffy laughed, taking it from him, as he bowed a little to allow her wind it around his neck.

He wrapped his arms around her, clinching her closer to him, gently nibbling at her neck.

"You know," Buffy was still struggling with his tie, "as much as I enjoy it, and believe me when I say I enjoy it, but I really can't do both."

"Then maybe, we don't need the tie." Angel whispered seductively in her ear.

"You know, we're not entirely alone here," Buffy whispered back.

Angel instantly straightened up, his face was an only too familiar mixture of confusion and embarrassment that appeared every time his blindness caused him to do something like that.

Buffy instantly repented for not letting him know sooner. "It's just Willow," she squeezed his hand reassuringly.

"I.maybe I'd better go now," Willow mumbled while absconding the room.

"Willow?" Angel questioned his future wife.

"Yeah," Buffy sighed, "she wants to make peace.or whatever."

"Maybe you should let her."

"Have anyone ever told you your benevolence should take some time off?"

"Once or twice," he smiled.

"So consider it a third time," she murmured, while finishing straightening his tie.

"Love, don't let it get to you," he said tenderly, stroking her face. "You said it yourself, remember? It's the happiest day of our lives. Let's keep it that way."

Buffy smiled, nuzzling his hand. "What would I do without you?"

"Probably marry Riley," he teased.

She hit his chest playfully.

Angel embraced her gently. "You're absolutely beautiful, you know that?"

"Thank you," Buffy smiled, briefly kissing his lips. "Now, are you ready to walk me to our so-called altar? In our case, outside to the beach?"

"Certainly, my lady." He bowed before her.

Buffy laughed, dragging him out of the room.

Several minutes later, eight people surrounded the arch, adorned with garlands of white flowers, underneath which stood a couple, holding each other's hands, and an elderly priest.

Everyone was silent as he spoke the holy words that bound the two in the holiness of matrimony, nothing was heard but the soothing sound of the waves lapping at the shore, and the quiet ocean breeze.

The silvery moonlight lit the two Claddagh rings as they were slowly passed from a hand to a finger, and the same moonlight lit a kiss.

On to Part Ten