Enshrined in My Soul

by Mariah

Part Eighteen

He couldn't sleep that night.

The moaning and the groaning from the next room were not the main reason to that. THEM, he would be able to hear even if he were in the deepest sleep.

He had never imagined it would be that painful, that it would hurt so badly. If there was one thing Cordelia was right about, it was that his 'right causes' had always ended up with him getting hurt.

So, he had given her up. She wanted to, he had complied with her wishes. The Powers that Be must be having a good laugh on his expense right now. He chuckled bitterly. He deserved it. He more than deserved it, he had brought it all on himself, one way or another. If it hadn't been for him leaving her in the first place, she would have never met that Riley at all. She would have still been his, memory or no memory.

He had to laugh at himself at that point. Despite convincing himself he had come to terms with what he had decided, a small part of him couldn't help but hope that maybe, by some kind of a miracle, him telling her about their past would somehow change her mind, make her stop seeing him as nothing more than a vampire. How could he have known it would merely drive her further away, cause her to build more walls?

Could he blame her? No. She was trapped in her own confusion, and using a natural human instinct, she tried to hold on to something solid. As much as he hated it, that's what Riley was. Something solid. Coming to think about it, why had he ever thought what he would tell her might change her mind? Why would it? She didn't remember any of it, other than the small bits she had come to recollect during that one day since he had reentered her life. It was a story that meant nothing to her.

But she didn't remember Riley either. If anything, she remembered more of him than she did of Riley. So it really was him being a vampire. Angel chuckled again. He really had never thought IT would come between them. He had probably overestimated what they had had. No, he hadn't. He couldn't. He loved her too much to even ponder it. There was still a certain amount of hope left in him, and he would cling to whatever it meant. After all, she had given him a promise.

He suddenly became aware of that his ears weren't picking up anything from Buffy's bedroom anymore. The house had been silent for a while, in fact, only he hadn't noticed. Then someone turned the shower on, and the first thought that crept up to him was that they were continuing the show with a change of place. But then he perceived the quiet sobs.

Angel knocked on the bathroom door softly, but received no response from the inside, other than the sound of someone crying, and he could fool himself all he wanted, but he would recognize THAT someone crying everywhere. He glanced at her bedroom's shut door, then back at the one of the bathroom. He knocked again, and this time did receive a response. The flow of water was increased, to muffle the crying even more.

Angel took a deep breath, and tried to open the door. After realizing it wasn't locked, he stepped into the bathroom.

Her sobs were much clearer to his ears once he was inside, and he could flawlessly detect the silhouette of her feminine form behind the curtains. He swallowed, and drew in another deep breath. "Buffy?" he finally uttered her name.

She didn't say anything.

"Buffy."

"Please," he heard her voice, husky and pleading, "leave me alone."

He swallowed again, and briefly looked down to the floor. "I can't do that."

"You can. Just get out the way you came."

He sighed, then scanned the room with his eyes, until his gaze lay on a large bath-towel. He took off his shirt, and retrieved the towel from the hook it was hanged on. Then he opened the curtain.

"God," he let out, it being the only way he could describe the state she was in when he saw her. He rapidly wrapped her in the towel and picked her up, wordlessly carrying her out of the bathroom, into his room.

Once there, he seated her on the bed, and kneeled before her. Buffy did all she could to keep her eyes from coming across his, but eventually gave up, when he gently raised her chin with his thumb and forefinger. She clinched the towel to her body, holding onto the fabric until her knuckles became white.

"What happened?" Angel asked her tenderly, carefully, wiping the tears from her face, miraculously distinguishing them from the water. "Did he hurt you?" he asked the question he had wanted to ask since he had heard her cry the first time.

"Hurt me?" she chuckled sadly, unable to vanquish the flow of tears.

Angel stood up and sat down next to her on the bed.

She instantly moved closer to him and leaned her head on his chest, as he hesitantly encircled one arm around her, not entirely understanding himself what was going on, but collaborating as long as it calmed her down. She lay her hand on his chest, and Angel felt shudder running through his body, that sweet tingling sensation that took over each time she touched him. He had to fight against the tears welling up in his eyes. He pulled her closer, wrapping the other arm around her as well, stroking her hair as she continued to spill her saline tears on his bare chest. "Tell me what happened," he prompted softly, "tell me everything, please."

"I'm sorry," she sobbed.

"Sorry about what?" he didn't understand.

"I'm sorry."

He sighed. Already then he realized it would be the only reply he'd be getting from her tonight. "Shh." he kissed her blond crown with wavering lips. "Whatever it is, we'll get over it. It'll be alright. I promise." To himself, however, he promised he wasn't going to sleep that night before he talked to Riley and beat him up, if necessary, to find out what he had done to her. "Go to sleep," he disconnected himself from her, with trouble at first, because she wouldn't let go, and lowered her down on the bed.

"I'll be right back," he promised, before leaving the room, but she wasn't even looking at him.

"What the Hell are you doing?" Angel glowered at Riley, who he had caught in the middle of packing his stuff when he burst into Buffy's bedroom.

"None of your damned business," the blond man snapped back.

As far as Angel was concerned, that was when the opening talk was over. He reached the other man with a single stride and grabbed him by the collar, shaking him once, but that one time seemed to be enough.

"That's what you did last time, isn't it?" Angel glared at Riley, releasing his shirt collar. "Last time, when she needed you the most, you took off. You see trouble, you take off, that's how it works with you, isn't it? Which part of what I told you skipped past you? What the Hell could you do to her to make her cry like that?!"

"What I did to HER?" Riley arched a brow. "You're way out of the picture here, you have no idea what you're talking about! Instead of playing the white knight, you might as well once and for all go and be one! Don't sell me crap about taking off when there's trouble, cuz you're the expert in that!" the blond shouted exasperatedly. "You walked away once, ONCE, and ever since no one was allowed in anymore! I hurt her? Well, forgive me, because at some point, a guy gets tired of having the girl crying out someone else's name!"

"What the Hell are you talking about?" Angel demanded.

"Playing the innocent doesn't look good on you. For years I ask myself why I can never fit into your shoes! For years! What the Hell is so special about you that prevents her from seeing ANYONE else?! Wanna know something? I STILL have no idea!"

Angel glowered at the man, inwardly not believing he had ever done the mistake of trusting him. "You're NOT gonna sleep with her and then leave her. Not if I have anything at all to do with this."

"You have EVERYTHING to do with this! It is ALL your God damned fault!." Riley cut in. After a second, he smiled, surprising the vampire. "Where is she?" he asked, in an absolutely natural voice.

"In my.in Joyce's bedroom. I put her to sleep," Angel replied, having no idea where he'd been going with that.

Riley kept his smile, nodding. "And why am I not surprised?" he gazed up at Angel, for the first time, his eyes were grave. There was no hatred in them, no malice towards the vampire, only painful acceptance of reality. "Take her," he told him, calmly. "For once in your life, go and claim your own. Go to her, take her in your arms and hold her. That's what she wants. That's the only thing she's wanted her entire life. You haven't got the slightest idea of just how much she loves you." With that, he zipped his duffel bag, shouldered it, and strode out of the room, leaving a speechless Angel standing behind him.

She was already asleep when he came back to her. She was sleeping so peacefully as if nothing had happened that night, certainly nothing that could possibly make her cry the way she had only a few short minutes ago. When he came closer, he descried she was wearing only his shirt. She wrapped it around her naked body, and held on to it with her fists even in her sleep, curled up in a ball on the large bed.

He leaned down and planted a soft kiss on her forehead, and covered her with a blanket.

Then he left the room.

Part Nineteen

Buffy woke up the following morning, the trails of tears had already dried out and vanished by then, and so had his smell that had been all over her, so had the memory of his touch. It was only a vague memory in the very back of her mind, but as for now, it was also the thing she had regretted the most. A part of her couldn't believe she had slept with Riley. It felt as if she had just met a guy on the street and jumped into his bed after only a few minutes of acquaintance. Another part of her was too busy in trying to understand the first one. While the third part of her.it was too busy not being able to get rid of memories of a magical night that had happened years ago.

Buffy beamed, wrapping the soft comforter around her body and snuggling in its warmth. Angel. HIS touch she hadn't forgot. In her dreams the previous night, after he had taken her in and put her to sleep, even though she knew it had been the last thing she had deserved him to do for her, she had reminisced more pieces and events from that magical night. What she wanted the most right now was to find her Claddagh ring. She wished she had known where she had put it. She must have still had it, she must have. No matter how many Riley's had there been, she would have never thrown away something as precious to her heart as that little silver ring. Maybe Angel had it, the possibility sprang to mind, but it rapidly evaporated, when she had recalled Angel hadn't been even wearing HIS ring ever since he had arrived.

That sudden insight stung her heart in a way she first hadn't understood. He wasn't wearing his ring anymore, did it mean he also didn't?. No. Why was she even pondering that, he's still a vampire! That hadn't exactly changed during the night. *Screw that!* her heart abruptly took over, slightly scaring herself. She had gotten herself into more than enough trouble due to her attempts to get rid of her genuine feelings just because they were for a vampire! Hadn't she learnt by now?! She had used and hurt an innocent guy, and even more importantly, she had hurt Angel! Angel.what it must have been for him to go through all that. She and Riley hadn't exactly been mute last night, and how she must have hurt him when she had been grilling him with all these questions.... And after everything she had done, he still wrapped her in his arms and comforted her, whispered words in her ear she felt unworthy of.loved her.after all she had done to him. God, how had she ever been so lucky to deserve him in her life? Hot tears trickled down Buffy's cheeks as everything she had done had drowned on her all of a sudden. She had let the fact he had been a vampire stand in their way, and as a result, hurt him so much more than words would ever be able to say. And he still loved her.

"I'm sorry," she whispered silently, but there was no one in the room to hear her apology. Buffy bit her lip, then took a deep breath, then whispered again. "I love you," slipped past her lips, and a certain vampire was the one she had thought of while saying that. She grinned, letting out a quiet snigger. It felt so good to say that, to be able to say that out loud. It felt so good to love him!

Suddenly, absolutely subconsciously, her hand moved to grab the pull of a compartment in the drawer next to her bed, and she opened it. The only thing in there was an average sized book, and Buffy pulled it out, frowning over what it could be.

She sat up, inclining her back on the cushions, and opened the first page.

"Hey.you.

Sorry, I haven't really come up with a name for you yet. Mind if I just call you 'Diary'? Well, sorry if you do, cuz until I come up with a better idea, you're gonna have to be just Diary.

Incase, you were wondering, I'm Buffy. Buffy Summers, nice to meet. I'm starting you in my mom's car (just thought I'd tell you), while we both are SO excited (okay, SHE is, actually) from our move to some hole named Sunnydale.

Right now, there's a red light, and she's doing the best she can to avoid from peeking at what I'm writing. HI, MOM!!!

Now, she stopped. Told you so."

Buffy chuckled, more an act of impulsiveness than anything else. It was her diary. Her very own diary she was now holding in her hands. *But who would put it in.oh, that's easy. We can pick between Willow, Xander, Giles, or even Anya. Oh, and then there's Dawn, even Spike...no, he probably wouldn't. Oh, whatever, at least they weren't smart enough to also get it out of the house.*

She dismissed every disturbing thought, not willing to waste a single moment. Her eyes went back to another page.

"Who the Hell does he think he is anyway?

The only thing he achieved is annoying the living crap out of me with that cryptic-guy attitude.

'I didn't say I was yours'! Like Hell you're not! And not because YOU said so, but because I did! Where is his type coming from, anyway? Walking around, like he's all that! All.dark and handsome.no, gorgeous would be put better, actually. Wow! Bad, bad Buffy! Bad thoughts! The guy's like what, 10 years older than me? Oh, man, I'm in trouble.

Why can't I ever find myself a descent guy to fall for? Why do I have to find a gorgeous.God, stop that! It's disgusting! In 16 years, he could very well be my dad! Okay, now, I'm really out of my league.I'm so NOT making sense!

Why do they make them so gorgeous? And his eyes.God, you gotta see those eyes, like two pools of dark chocolate. I could drown in those eyes."

And then it suddenly materialized before her eyes, a dark alley behind a club named the Bronze.

// "Who are you?"

"Let's just say.I'm a friend."

"Yeah, well, maybe I don't wanna friend!"

"I didn't say I was yours." //

The Slayer beamed, then went back to the reading, flipping through some pages.

"Angel, Angel, Angel.

Will said I was driving her crazy and that she'd maim me if I say his name one more time. I know she meant it in the good way though. She's almost as excited as I am every time I talk about him.

I still can't believe we're finally an official couple! I could scream with joy and it still wouldn't be loud enough to truly express what I feel!

Truth is, after our first date, I didn't think the guy would wanna see me again (note to self - later thank Cordelia and don't forget to brag you did get the guy, after all. Ha ha).

No, seriously, life couldn't get better than that. So, yeah, the first (and only) guy I seriously fell for in my very own Hellmouth 'happened' to be a vampire, so big deal! I don't care! He could be 10 vampires, for all I care! He's Angel. He's MY Angel, and he's the most wonderful person I've met in my life (which, yes, is only 16 years. Shut up). I count the seconds until I see him every night (I sometimes sneak out of school, but don't tell my mom).

And it's so great Giles is cool with this. Thank God he's not making trouble. I don't have the guts to tell my mom I'm dating a 244-year-old vampire, so at least I don't need to handle my Watcher as well.

Okay, class is over in less than five minutes (which means time to sneak out to see a certain boyfriend!!!), and Ms. Jakobs's been glowering at me for like forever, and a 'Ms. Summers!!!' is gonna follow in a sec. (NOT that I don't hate math on regular.ok, I'd better hide you now, I don't need her to see THIS line.).

But I just had to tell you, I LOVE HIM!!!!

And I don't care what you say, what everyone says. I know I'm only 16, but.but I love him. I know I do. I feel it inside.and I know."

Buffy smiled again, pressing the diary to her chest and closing her eyes for a moment to take everything in. With every new line she read, tones of memories came rushing back to her. Getting her life back couldn't be more wonderful.

She opened her eyes and shut them again, a content smile playing across her lips as a scene in a graveyard was playing out before her eyes.

// "I really."

"I know."

"You know, this isn't hunting in the classical sense, we should."

"Okay."

"Okay.okay."

"You see anything?"

"No."

"Okay. Enough hunting." //

She laughed. It felt so good remembering everything, so much better than how she had imagined it would be. She wished these times would be back to her life. She had been so carefree, THEY had been so carefree. They laughed, and loved, and had not a worry in the world. What had happened to them since then? What had caused them to grow so far apart? What had caused them to break up in the first place?

Buffy turned a few pages, until she found the one when she was telling the diary about their first date. She couldn't help a snigger the minute she started reading what she had written there.

"It was a disaster. Literally.

Did I mention what a disaster it was?

Could you believe this? I show up (well, at least I showed up.LATE! Yes, girls should be late, they are born to be late for a date, but.not when it's a date with Angel!!!). And so, I'm there, finally (vamps just so couldn't give me the night off! For crying out loud, one night was all I was asking for! ONE! Whoever said life wasn't fair was definitely a Slayer held up before her date!).

So.to the point all the way, this time. I get there, and guess what, there sits my gorgeous boyfriend-to-be (who I hope he'll still BE after that date), and who if not Cordelia Chase drooling in his cappuccino?! Just when I think that things simply can't get worse than that, there's Cordelia! God! And then she even makes a comment about my hair! Naturally, I slip right into my 'just PLEASE shoot me now!' mode, but unfortunately, the Hellmouth decides NOT to open up and swallow me right there and then (just when you DO need it to.).

So, ok, so she was right about my hair. It really looked.God, there's no word for how it looked. She was right, period.

And Angel is being so sweet! He says I look fine, and even pulls a piece of straw out of my hair. Did I tell you he's adorably sweet when he lies to make me feel better? And did I tell you I STILL felt like putting a bag over my head?.

Then I just took off! I bailed, FROM OUR FIRST DATE, leaving him ALONE with CORDELIA!!! What the Hell was I thinking? Who leaves guys like him with girls like Cordelia?! Well, duh, that would be.me!

If I were him, I'd be hating me right about now.

Dammit, why does everything about my life have to be so screwed up?"

The Slayer laughed, images of that night playing before her eyes like so many others had earlier. But her laugh was abruptly caught in her throat when she heard someone quietly opening the bedroom door. She hastily tossed the diary under her pillow.

Part Twenty

"Angel," Buffy recognized the person standing in the doorway. A surprised expression crept to his face, which she couldn't comprehend and she frowned. "Is something wrong?"

It took him several seconds to reply. "No, I just.I guess I thought you'd be still asleep." He briefly looked at the floor, then back at her. "Is it okay, if I come in?"

Buffy didn't understand the question at first, but then looked at herself. She was wearing nothing with the exception of a black shirt. "Oh," she uttered, then quickly wrapped herself in a blanket. Then she smiled sweetly, assuring him it was alright to enter.

Angel returned her a coy grin, and stepped into the bedroom, shutting the door behind him. Buffy instantly noticed he was holding a tray in his hand she hadn't descried before.

"Is that for me?" she inquired.

"What?" Angel seemed to appear somewhat confused at first, then glanced at the tray. "Right. Umm.yeah," he made his way to the bed and handed it to Buffy. "I figured you'd be hungry, I.don't really know why," he frowned. He couldn't help but laugh at himself inwardly. A two-hundred-and-forty-eight year old vampire behaving like a teenager. He couldn't help but wonder just what else did that woman have the power to make him do.

Buffy, however, didn't take any part in the fun, and Angel became aware of it at once, especially the minute she wordlessly picked up the tray and moved it to the nightstand adjacent to the bed, casting her eyes away from his.

The vampire sat down on the bed next to the Slayer and lifted her chin, using his thumb and forefinger. His eyes told her what he wanted even without using words, but she merely looked away again.

Angel took her hand in his and she pulled it back.

"What's wrong?" he asked, after taking a deep breath. Then he looked up. "Are you mad at me about something? Have I done anything to."

"Am I mad at YOU?" she chuckled. "That's a funny."

"What do you mean?"

"Angel." the blonde bit her lip, averting her gaze. "If I were you, I'd hate me right now."

"Hate you."

She looked up at him, the answer to his unasked question manifested in her green orbs.

Angel gazed down, then up. When their eyes met, his were smiling, and so soft she felt like crying. He reached out his hand and cupped her cheek, holding it until she allowed herself to lean into his touch, then he started loosely caressing the side of her face with his thumb. Buffy put her hand on his. "Do you know what it takes for me to hate you?" he inquired.

The Slayer kept quiet for that one.

"There isn't such thing. I could never hate you," he answered his own question, his eyes assuring her he was telling the truth. Angel cupped her face in his both hands, locking their eyes together. "I know.what you did with Riley." Buffy wanted to look away, but he didn't let her. "Just as I knew what you were doing while you two were together." He let go of her face and took her both hands in his. "I won't lie to you, and I won't tell you a part of me never wished for you to stay faithful to me for the rest of your life, but nor will I tell you I expected you to live like a nun. You're a young passionate woman, Buffy. In my eyes," he smiled, "you're the most beautiful person in this world, and I would be a first class hypocrite if I blamed men for wanting you." She wanted to say something, but he continued before she could. "You were thrown, confused, didn't know what to do with yourself, in a sense. You were looking for stability, and Riley was at reach, at the right place, at the right time. I can never be angry with you for that, and I need you to know that. It hurt me," he swallowed, looking down briefly, and she felt a pang in her heart, but then he looked up again. "But it couldn't be helped. Whenever a man merely touches you, it hurts me, but that's my problem. I can't.I can't ask you to stop living your life just because it's not with me. And besides." he inhaled, "I made my share of mistakes too," he confessed quietly, thinking back to what had happened with Darla. "And my reasons were as nothing as compared to yours, it was plain selfishness. While you were driven by despair, my excuse was finding the easy way out. What I did could unleash my inner demon, and it would bring an end to the lives of thousands, but I was too wrapped up in myself to care." He bit his lip, looking away for a minute.

"What did you do?" followed the question he knew he wouldn't escape. But he had to. It wasn't the time to discuss that just yet.

"That's not what matters right now," he avoided it. And before she could go on grilling him, which knowing her nature, he suspected she would, Angel went on. "Don't hate yourself for this," he peered deeply into her eyes, smiling until her heart melted. "I know I don't, and I never will. I'm incapable of it."

Buffy allowed a slight grin to creep up to the corners of her mouth. "Has it always been your job to find excuses for my mistakes?"

Angel laughed shortly. "You wouldn't be human if you didn't make mistakes. That's the only way to learn. And please believe someone who's been hanging around for over two centuries already."

The Slayer beheld him tenderly for a long moment. "I'm so sorry," she abruptly wrapped her arms around him, crying, stunning him almost to the core with that simple gesture. Angel returned her embrace, cradling her gently in his lap, as she curled up against his broad chest.

Buffy put her palm where his heart should have been beating, and for the first time the silence didn't bother her. She rested her head next to her palm, relishing the feel of his arm around her, while his other hand was mildly caressing her long blond locks. "I should talk to Riley," she whispered, and felt Angel stiffen. For the first time, she was also attentive enough to receive the vibes of pain coming from him. She reached with her other hand for his and squeezed it, instantly feeling him ease off. "To say I'm sorry," she went on. "I hurt him too."

He nodded over her head, understanding. But there was certain news he had to break to her regarding that. "You can't do that."

Buffy gazed up, question in her eyes.

"He left," Angel told her. "He left last night, actually, right after I put you to sleep."

The blonde looked down, nodding into his chest. "That's great," she remarked sarcastically, but quietly.

"I'm sorry."

She looked up again. "You're sorry? For what, exactly?"

"I know.you." he had obvious difficulties in getting the words out. "I know you wanted it to work out. I'm sorry he left you before you could do that."

She chuckled. "I wanted it to work out? God, Angel I was desperate, okay? You were right, okay? All along, you were right. I did it out of despair. I don't love Riley. I NEVER loved Riley. No matter how hard I tried, it was just something I couldn't do. And for a second, I even managed to convince myself all I needed was time, and then I.I slept with him, and." she started crying again, letting hot fresh tears to penetrate through the fabric of his shirt and wash over his marble skin. And her tears stung him. "I never felt so low," she sobbed, "so dirty.I never felt like that in my life."

"You're not low," he cradled her closer to him, fastening the circle of his arms around her small body, "and you're everything but dirty, and same goes for everything else you're thinking you are right now. You're my girl," he leveled their eyes, gently brushing her tears away with his thumb, "and my girl is nothing like that," he smiled. "No matter what you do.you're still my girl."

"Always," Buffy completed him softly, a strange faraway expression in her eyes Angel caught right away.

He put his hand on her cheek, smiling. "Always."

"Is it for real this time?" she asked him, and it suddenly felt like he was talking to the real Buffy again. One who knew everything and remembered everything, one who could no longer be fooled by words, one who had heard him promise too many words he had never carried out into actions. It felt strange, different.talking to HER.

He took a deep breath, then nodded. "What do you want it to be like?"

She looked down. "I can't say this yet," she whispered. "I know what you want to hear, and I can't say this to you yet. I need some more time." And a part of her speculated over how come she could say this to him before.while he hadn't been in the room.

Angel nodded, moving away from her as she slipped from his lap onto the bed.

"Will you wait?" she asked. "Will you give me time?"

He beamed, brushing his forefinger over her soft cheek. "Don't you know that by now?"

She beamed too. "Will it be real this time? Will you.will you promise.and keep? Can you do that?" her eyes bore deep into his, craving for only one answer.

"What do you want me to promise?" he asked, cupping her cheek.

"I want forever," she repeated words from long ago. "Does forever work for you?"

"Forever isn't nearly long enough," he whispered, leaning forward to capture her lips in a kiss.

Buffy closed the diary, cradling it to her body, as tears streamed down her face, and she pulled her knees to her chest. And behind the curtain of tears, a smile flickered in her eyes as they lay on the peaceful sleeping Angel next to her. She hid the diary under the cushions and lay down herself, trailing her finger over the outlines of his lips, until hers met them for a brief soft kiss. Her hand found his and she burrowed her face in his chest, nestling closer, as she closed her eyes.

There was a forever for them too. Falling asleep in the arms of her love, she couldn't be surer of that. And when he woke up.she would tell him she loved him.

END.